gravity

I have been sober for over 11 months but went through a period of self-doubt the past couple of weeks.

Every meeting, I hear about how powerless I am, how I only have today, insanity, mental blind spots, etc. I was almost at the point where I was scared to go out and live my life, thinking that a moment of insanity combined with a trigger (people, place or thing) would immediately take me back to that living hell. Worried about a self-fulfilling prophesy. Not a good way to live, in fear. I did talk to my sponsor and he told me not to worry, that I am working a strong program.

I am also in a 12 step commitment group (this is my second time through the steps). I hear comments how if we don’t do this right, we will drink, we will die. It strikes me as fear based recovery. I also hear that people with long term sobriety are still making lengthy inventories - not getting over some things for several years, new resentments, new fears. Is this how the program works? I don’t want to relive this stuff over and over.

I guess what I am feeling is that I don’t want to become dependent on meetings and my sponsor. I don’t want to live in fear that I am always one moment of insanity away from losing everything. I want to be confident that I have moved on, that I am strong, that I will not drink.

My life is really good, not perfect but I am more at peace, happy. I accept that I can’t drink and I have experienced major mental & spiritual growth. I just want to keep on working the steps and share a positive message in meetings. Truthfully, the doom and gloom is starting to get to me.

I know that this post focuses on my own negative thoughts (bit of a rant). The program as a whole is great and it does keep me sober. The positives by far outweigh any negatives.

I am wondering if others have experienced this concern and how you dealt with it. Right now, I am trying to step back and simplify my approach (not think too much about it and just keep doing what I’ve been doing for the past 11 months). I do have a better perspective but it still bothers me a bit. Any comments appreciated.

Music

Sounds to me like you're doing entirely too much thinking. Go back to step one, realize the power just one drink has over you, strike up a relationship with a higher power you can accept, and go on with your life with the confidence that as long as you do your part, your higher power will do the rest.

Clutch B

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

That doesn't sound fear-based to me. A certain amount of respect for the power of alcohol is healthy, but downright fear of living life isn't part of recovery.

navysteve

Then don't. It seems like you are on the fence ( if you don't mind me saying) between a strong program and the fellowship. Remember they are two different things. Many in the rooms make their sponsor their higher power, rely on meetings to get them through the day. It sounds like you have had some awakenings through the steps. Trust in the infinite God you have tapped into and all will be well.

If recovery was based on fear, I would have been gone long ago.

findingout

Hey gravity,

My experience is that there are a lot of people at any given meeting in different stages of recovery. The message that comes from them and speaks to them may or may not be where I am at. When I was just six weeks sober things were different than they are now at 6 years sober. If they were not, I'd have to say that the program didn't work.

For every person with long term sobriety who still feels that they are just a day away from the insanity, there is another who has found true recovery. The longer I remained sober, the more I trusted that my recovery was real and that the higher power in my life was real.

If your life is improving and the spiritual growth is happening, the program is working for you. The message underneath all is:

Tommyh

I like to look towards freedom to live happy today instead of fear of negative things.Freedom from...booze and the old way I lived...freedom too....live freely and happily today.Years of my negative thinking cannot be turned around overnight.
A lot depends of my perspective of life,people,myself,meetings and so on.

I know if I make too many meetings I can get real sick and stay that way.Sometimes they can suck the life right out of me and place doubts,and negativity in my head.When I sit in prayer,contemplation,or meditation,I get recharged spiritually.I need that quite time alone with my HP every day first and foremost.

Ago

Some good points here, I agree with about everything I have read in response to your initial questions to the best of my recollection and find all are important.

(edit: yes every response "hits" a very important something to take note of for me in this issue, vast wisdom exists in the preceding posts)

I would also like to add that once I "hit" an issue in the steps, it gets "lifted" I don't have to "revisit" that issue over and over, unless I have something that I missed and it becomes recurring, in which case I go back and look at it in a new light and a new angle to "learn what the lesson is"

How do I know it's "all better" and I "don't have that issue or character defect" any more?

because it's gone.

It's been lifted...and I didn't "do it" I didn't spend one minute doing it, it's not "self help" if I could "help myself" I wouldn't need meetings, the program or a sponsor.

uncover
discover
discard

that's the essence of the steps for me.

But the steps are about "moving towards health" to me, not "stewing in the past", the thing about having "long term sobriety" is "more will be revealed" so when you revisit the steps you have new revelations and new insights so it's a constant "growth process" not a "stuck in the past" process although from the outside sometimes it's hard to see the difference, and the truth is some alcoholics do get "stuck in the past" and are more comfortable "being sick" then "getting healthy" it's "worked" for them their entire lives, and their parents so they find ways "to stay sick" because it's "what's comfortable".

The bottom line for me is I work the steps because they make me feel better and move through the world in a more graceful manner, so I change from being a "move away from pain" oriented being to a "move towards the light" based "being"

subtle distinctions but important ones I find for me.

So for me I find someone who "has what I want" ask them to sponsor me, then grab on with both hands and "enjoy the ride", these folks have appeared different ways at different times, some loved me better, some screamed profanity at me when I was exceptionally stupid, all had a message for me that at the end of the day was healing and one of unconditional love.

In Star Wars they didn't have Yoda say "bad words" but that wasn't my experience, my "Yoda" made noises like a tea kettle and said some bad words on occasion, but the message was the same.

Be present and get my head outta my butt.

Sugah

I've witnessed that fear-based recovery that you're talking about. I don't get it, or why some want to teach it to others. It's contrary to what we learn through the steps.

Rather than fear, I have gained an awareness--a spiritual awakening--regarding those things that could, if I neglect them, lead me back to a drink. There's no fear in it. It's a gift to be able to see those things. On occasion, a brother or sister in recovery will point something out to me that I'm not immediately aware of, and that, too, is a gift. But fear? Fear kept me drunk. Fear kept me from sustained willingness to live differently.

One of the best things presented to me in early recovery was an "AA De-Programming" site. It detailed some of the ways the message of recovery could be twisted, and at that point, being willing to go to any length, it helped me recognize a true message from a false one.

I'd ask, gravity, if you're hearing the voices of recovery as they are in your group, or if you're filtering them through some fear you've yet to let go of. Please don't take that as a criticism--rather an opportunity for growth. I've had a lot of those growing moments in sobriety. If, in fact, you are hearing a fear-based message, perhaps you'd do well to find another group that knows the meaning of freedom through the steps. Then, you can return to this group with a new message. That's how change occurs. E, S & H.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Emimily

I'm with Music - I'm powerless over alcohol and other nouns. I am not powerless over my actions and my reactions. Because I've worked the steps, I've had a spiritual experience, I have a relationship with the Big Guy and I have FAITH. Fear doesn't co-exist with faith.

So, despite my lack of control and my character defects and my resentments and this that and the other, I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I suit up, show up, and really do the deal then I'm golden. The Big Guy has never failed to meet me halfway, and more often than not it's closer.

CAPTAINZING2000

We're powerless over a lot of things in life. What can you really control? Can you change the weather, people, places or things?

We're not powerless over our attitudes though

That's why we turn it over to God. I gave it all up to him in my 3rd step. With that, I have to do what I believe God's will for me is. I know, God doesn't want me to spend the rest of my life drinking.

How are you on your service work? I learned the best way to help my self was to help others. If, what you say is true, fear doesn't have to overwhelm you. I keep a healthy respect of fear over drinking. Use fear in a positive way.

stone

I think if you feel spiritually fit you are doing it right, some people can obsess over the details of the program and the program can become their new addiction in an unhealthy way. They aren't drinking, which is great but if you listen to them too much they can bog you down.

Great thread with some great reponses, thanks Gravity.

AW2486

Sounds to me like your ready to take the next step and start Sponsoring people.

Rowan

In the last several months, I'd experienced a real shift in my thinking and attitude. I, too, used to identify with the fear, and the 'what ifs'. I used to obsess over my powerlessness and went to way too many meetings.

I fully accept that I am powerless over alcohol, but I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it anymore. I go to 3 meetings a week usually, and just completed another 5th step. I sponsor other women, and I work often with newcomers.

And a miracle has recently happened: my eldest daughter, who is 16, lives with her father. I have been estranged from her for 4 years. She simply would not see me or talk to me. She emailed me two nights ago. She's not yet ready to see me, but she wanted to contact me, to reassure me that I'll always be her Mom and that she loves me. This would not have happened without Alcoholics Anonymous. If I hadn't stayed sober, made amends, helped others, prayed, etc, this young lady, I feel sure, would be lost to me forever. So, yes, I am making progress.

I have no fear. I have faith that miracles happen, and that the 12 Promises do come true.

gravity

Wow! Talk about incredible responses! I really should have more confidence that other alcoholics would know where I am coming from.

I do know that I am filtering what I am hearing through my own current circumstances – work stress, poor sleep. I took this week off work to recharge (spiritually, mentally, and physically).

What I have to remember is that the fellowship is not the program. And what I often hear at meetings is not the Big Book. As far as that goes, my own experience is not exactly the Big Book. Some may call it half-measures but this is the best I can do, where I am right now:

- Occasionally (once or twice a month maybe), I get upset that I can’t drink but I have not seriously considered having a drink.
-I do not always have absolute faith (I'm trying) that a higher power will keep me sober but I do believe that if I keep on doing what I am doing, I will not drink.
-I am having a hard time making amends but it really doesn’t bother me that much. Most of the people on my list love me, are happy for me, and I am always there for them. I’ll get to it.
-I no longer expect all of my character defects to be removed – some are gone, others are very manageable, some are just who I am.
-I am working with a couple of newcomers in the study group, I occasionally chair a meeting, and I give people rides to meetings. Sometimes, I let calls from other alcoholics go to voicemail (especially when I’m at work). I just don’t want to deal with it. That’s the extent of my service work.

I look at the 9th step promises and I have experienced some progress on every one (to me, that's huge). But I don’t expect to get to a state where I am totally serene, spiritually fit, fearless, and free of character defects 100% of the time. That’s unattainable (I’ve never met anyone like that). I’m okay with being an imperfect human being. It doesn’t mean that I will drink and die. Everyone I know has an issue of some kind and it doesn’t really mean anything except that we are human.

One dangerous message I hear is that some people seem to believe that this is a lifelong struggle to achieve a near perfect state sobriety and living. My own take is that if you do your best, you will stay sober and life will improve dramatically. My own experience is the proof. I almost feel like telling people (even those with years of sobriety) to quit living in the problem and compare yourself to where you were when you first walked through the door. The program works! And it doesn’t have to take years of self-criticism, meetings, and anxiety to get there.

From the Doctor’s opinion (Big Book quote/1st Edition):

I have almost one year of sobriety. I have worked hard and you know, I feel like this guy. If I could live the rest of my life like this, I would be very happy and of course very grateful. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Thanks for your help. My sincere best wishes, Don.

ps. Rowan: That is truly something about your girl. The good life. Who would have thought these things possible when we first started out?

Dean62

In my first week of sobriety my sponsor told me that everyone he has ever seen "go out" without fail has done so because they did not maintain their spiritual fitness. It wasn't until recently I realized he didn't say anything about meetings, sponsors, steps, service work etc. Those I believe, in the progression of recovery, have been the path to my HP. Steps 10, 11 and 12 are a good guideline to doing God's will and I don't think you can go wrong with them but they are only guidelines.

To use your own words. The only thing I admitted I was powerless over is alcohol in step one. I love step three I'm not powerless over people places and things Don, I simply don't try to control them anymore. You know the part about the actor who try's to control everything. We stop playing God in step 3. Obsession is replaced with peace and for me Peace IS God's voice telling me his will for me. Listen for it and when you feel it rest in it. No need for worry or fear. A strong program is gratitude for God's will in my life. In God's will I am safe from that first drink.



Quote from BB first edition.

Missybuns

I say you have the courage to change the things you can.

Do it.

No need to second guess yourself. If no one else has expressed a concern about you lately...then enjoy being human. No second guessing that! You are going to make mistakes...only today you don't have to drink or drug over it....make that decision.

I go through times of second guessing myself...and it's always after I've already done what I question and can't take it back. 9 times out of 10 it's ok what I did...I just lose confindence after the fact...generally from fear of what someone elses reaction has been or will be. (all stuff I have no control over) If I need guidance..I ask for it.

Asking for guidance cuts the second guessing way down!

I'm three years into my recovery and for me second guessing has gotten fewer and further between as my self-esteem grows.

Peace,

Missybuns, 12 stepper

Ago

Personally I'm "powerless" over anything and anybody I give my power to, happens sometimes, sometimes I see it painlessly, sometimes I need a "lesson" in humility

"Control" takes many forms, and personally I'm still learning various aspects of that lesson and hope to remain "teachable", I haven't quite acquired a full knowledge of every variation of that issue, although lemme tell you I have evidently been on the front line of the "research and development" team for "control issues" for the last few years.

stone

I think that is enough, I have trouble with the HP keeping me sober bit, what is going to keep me sober is my actions, following the program. To me step 3 is a commitment to do the program, I have a HP but at this stage I don't believe 'it' goes around removing things.

Maybe you are just letting others opinions get to you too much? I know I do, especially in AA for some reason. You sound like you have every reason to have faith in yourself to me.

walt55054life

I love what has been said and learned a lot myself....

Just want to add that maybe if you have already read it to re-read step 7 in the 12 of 12 it talks about character building.

But I have found that I work these 12 steps in my everyday life

1 In the morning I admit I can't drink and i'm powerless helps me stay sober

2 and 3 I get in touch w/ God and ask him to help me through the day and to do his will and not mine bc mine gets me drunk.(third step prayer) and ask for my HP to keep me sober

4 and 5 Is me not dwellling in the past nor wishing to close the door on it and talking w/ my sponsor even if not needed to stay sober

6and7 for me are practice the most because many times through out the day I need God to help (6 step prayer and serenity prayer) me through situations and help control my anger and keep me sober

8, 9and 10 are me living like a normal person admitting when I'm wrong and doing what ever it is to pay back those harms I have done or continue to do (to make amends means to pay back not say I'm sorry--my sponsor) so that I don't let **** eat my lunch and I stay sober

11 Me not being ashamed of admitting God for help anymore and doing it more regurlay and by habit (If we are what we repeatidly do, then excellence is not an act but a habit) helps to keep me sober

12 Anytime I chair or go to an H&I meeting, anytime I help set up chairs or coffee, anytime I talk to my sponsor, anytime I help talk to a recovering alcoholic, and everytime I add another day gives me a bettter oppurtunity (bc today I don't have problem I have oppurtunities) to help another person know what is keeping me sober today

And all was goign to add was to read the 7th step in the 12 of 12

Rob B

Exactly. I do regular inventory and daily prayer and meditation to make sure there are no blocks between myself and this power called God. There can be a lot of spiritual pride and arrogance about "the way", I've been guilty of this. Ultimately though, as many have wisely pointed out, it is between you and God, see to it that your relationship with him is right and great things will come to pass. Is this not already true in your life?