Doing my step one.....
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Doing my step one.....
Hiya everyone, well first and formost just wanna say love this site- things like this particular archive of threads are so helpful for me in my recovery. Secondly i would like to ask for some advice/suggestions. I am curretly doing my step 1. I know i am powerless over alcohol and my lifes unmanagable. I have written down reasons for this- and many other things too (such as how i risked my life/ others through drinking). I can accept i am an alcoholic. But one little thing is sorta holding me back from completing this step. It's the fact that i have trouble with accepting i have a disease of the mind too- that when i want to drink, or my thoughts go a wondering down that path....it's my disease trying talking to me.
I believe its true for others and can see how it must be for me too - as i often swore off drink- but would always find a reason to again and conveniantly forget all the mess it caused. Sometimes i cannot even say say why i did- i just did.
I think it must be my pride- like the whole ego thing, me thinking "oh im not thaaat bad". It's silly when i think about it but its where im at. I just need to get past it- i've been asking my H.P for guidance with this and my sponser said i need to keep looking for identification at mtngs so i can see that i do have the mental obsessiona -and it's an illness in me. I can accept it's an illness- i can accept i am an alcoholic but i am having trouble accepting those things together for me!? It's confusing....! Anyone else struggled with this? Or have any suggestions? All will be aprreciated. Thanks.
I believe its true for others and can see how it must be for me too - as i often swore off drink- but would always find a reason to again and conveniantly forget all the mess it caused. Sometimes i cannot even say say why i did- i just did.
I think it must be my pride- like the whole ego thing, me thinking "oh im not thaaat bad". It's silly when i think about it but its where im at. I just need to get past it- i've been asking my H.P for guidance with this and my sponser said i need to keep looking for identification at mtngs so i can see that i do have the mental obsessiona -and it's an illness in me. I can accept it's an illness- i can accept i am an alcoholic but i am having trouble accepting those things together for me!? It's confusing....! Anyone else struggled with this? Or have any suggestions? All will be aprreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Hey Uni
The mental obsession, in my experience - was that even though I had times that I really did not want to drink (had sworn off) and I had been separated from alcohol long enough to not have the 'it' (allergy or whatnot) on my back - I 'changed my mind' or lost my resolve.
I was not able to stay stopped even though I really wanted to.
Has that been your experience? The book suggests that if this is the case to try and leave liqour alone for a year based on self knowledge and will power.
But, if you have ever said Monday that you were done drinking and really meant it - and had changed your mind a couple days later, that is kind of what they are talking about.
It's a feeling more than knowledge. Also, it is not something that goes away (it may hide out for a very very long time), but based on my experience, as much as I don't want to drink - statistically speaking, I will drink again unless I have a power greater than myself looking out for me.
I hope this has been helpful.
Welcome to the 12-step forum and this wonderful journey.
~Adam
The mental obsession, in my experience - was that even though I had times that I really did not want to drink (had sworn off) and I had been separated from alcohol long enough to not have the 'it' (allergy or whatnot) on my back - I 'changed my mind' or lost my resolve.
I was not able to stay stopped even though I really wanted to.
Has that been your experience? The book suggests that if this is the case to try and leave liqour alone for a year based on self knowledge and will power.
But, if you have ever said Monday that you were done drinking and really meant it - and had changed your mind a couple days later, that is kind of what they are talking about.
It's a feeling more than knowledge. Also, it is not something that goes away (it may hide out for a very very long time), but based on my experience, as much as I don't want to drink - statistically speaking, I will drink again unless I have a power greater than myself looking out for me.
I hope this has been helpful.
Welcome to the 12-step forum and this wonderful journey.
~Adam
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,904
unigirl,I was relieved to find out my alcoholism was a illness.I just thought I was a bad guy.I had tryed to quit drinking and get "good" and I always ended up drunk.
When I got to AA, I try ed to get well,then I was able to stay sober.
It wasn`t about getting good,it was about getting well.I had it all wrong.
As I looked back over my life,I can see my best thinking got me to AA,jails,separated from my family 3 times,4 dui`s,numerous broken relationships, & dead broke most of the time.
After all the trouble I had drinking and because of drinking,I had to be crazy to ever start again,but I did.My life was crazy and I was so tired of it.
One day I sat down and thought about all those bad times I had drinking.You know,those embarrassing times when we humiliated ourselves when drunk.The worst times I had drinking.Then I knew I was bad enough-for me..
When I got to AA, I try ed to get well,then I was able to stay sober.
It wasn`t about getting good,it was about getting well.I had it all wrong.
As I looked back over my life,I can see my best thinking got me to AA,jails,separated from my family 3 times,4 dui`s,numerous broken relationships, & dead broke most of the time.
After all the trouble I had drinking and because of drinking,I had to be crazy to ever start again,but I did.My life was crazy and I was so tired of it.
One day I sat down and thought about all those bad times I had drinking.You know,those embarrassing times when we humiliated ourselves when drunk.The worst times I had drinking.Then I knew I was bad enough-for me..
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Thanks suger and bballad. Yes i can safely say there have been times i have really really wanted to stop for ever - and within a few days im drunk. My life was crazy- little subtle things keep coming back to me - such as shoplifting things i needed so i could afford to go out and get wasted. I would do anything to get drunk when i needed to - it was a necessity. I mean writing this now clearly shows me i have that mental obsession! I guess im just being overly wary of succumbing to the fact i really do have a disease that wants me to go and out and booze again. But on the other hand- i have a solution, many dont. I am a very lucky person.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Uni, first let me say a bit belatedly, WELCOME TO SR!!!! You have found a great place, with lots of support.
Now, when I have a sponsee in your situation I ask them to write a TIME LINE of their 'drinking career', yes a time line, from when they started, how it affected them at the beginning, how much they drank at first, how the amount they ingested changed, what happened as they continued to drink and right up to their last drink, etc
This puts in 'black and white' the obsession, and shows how it takes over your life.
It's not for me that I ask them to do this, but for themselves. And to save it, so when that ugly King Alcohol raises his head in their minds, they can once again take out the time line as a GREAT reminder of EXACTLY why they have chosen sobriety.
Step One is really the most important step in my personal opinion. That is the Step that My Foundation of recovery is built on, and I was told that I better be damn sure that it was made of concrete and not sand. So Step 1 took me quite a while.
I had to understand to the very core of my being that I was POWERLESS over alcohol and that when I ingested that toxin my WHOLE LIFE became UNMANAGEABLE.
It won't hurt to write the timeline Uni, how about giving it a try????
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Now, when I have a sponsee in your situation I ask them to write a TIME LINE of their 'drinking career', yes a time line, from when they started, how it affected them at the beginning, how much they drank at first, how the amount they ingested changed, what happened as they continued to drink and right up to their last drink, etc
This puts in 'black and white' the obsession, and shows how it takes over your life.
It's not for me that I ask them to do this, but for themselves. And to save it, so when that ugly King Alcohol raises his head in their minds, they can once again take out the time line as a GREAT reminder of EXACTLY why they have chosen sobriety.
Step One is really the most important step in my personal opinion. That is the Step that My Foundation of recovery is built on, and I was told that I better be damn sure that it was made of concrete and not sand. So Step 1 took me quite a while.
I had to understand to the very core of my being that I was POWERLESS over alcohol and that when I ingested that toxin my WHOLE LIFE became UNMANAGEABLE.
It won't hurt to write the timeline Uni, how about giving it a try????
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Welcome to SR Unigirl!
Here is the link to the First Step study if you have not been there already;
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-1/
Here is the link to the First Step study if you have not been there already;
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-1/
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Thanks Laurie, i think that sounds a good idea for me- i will do it! I think i do need to work on this more- so like you say i can 100% sure of what alcoholism has done to me and what it will do if i drink again. Thanks Rufus- i'm going to check that out now- i havnt looked at yet- so looking forward to doing so, may give me some more insight too. Thanks again.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
was going to be a smart @ss but I won't . I'll say this time and again, normal drinkers aren't posting on this site with alcohol threads.
When, I first got into AA, admitting , I was an alcoholic wasn't a problem, admitting my my life was unmanageable was hard to admit. It just dawned on me a while back it still is to a certain extent. As long as other people are in my life, there will always be some chaos, that's a given.
Tell us about all the problems you've had while drinking. Some people have a lot lower bottom. People can look at us an tell us a problem they see a lot quicker then we can. Every one knew I was an alcoholic but me for a long time
I was thinking today about how a policeman had woke me up cause, I'd passed out along a high way in my early 20's. I could have been killed thank gosh the Good Lord was looking out for me.
Like to point out, we have a saying yet in AA. Some say, that they never got arrested, lost a job, got divorced etc. due to their drinking. You drink long enough and most of the things that you've never done, you'll find happening to you. Time goes on, we lower our bottoms.
When, I first got into AA, admitting , I was an alcoholic wasn't a problem, admitting my my life was unmanageable was hard to admit. It just dawned on me a while back it still is to a certain extent. As long as other people are in my life, there will always be some chaos, that's a given.
Tell us about all the problems you've had while drinking. Some people have a lot lower bottom. People can look at us an tell us a problem they see a lot quicker then we can. Every one knew I was an alcoholic but me for a long time
I was thinking today about how a policeman had woke me up cause, I'd passed out along a high way in my early 20's. I could have been killed thank gosh the Good Lord was looking out for me.
Like to point out, we have a saying yet in AA. Some say, that they never got arrested, lost a job, got divorced etc. due to their drinking. You drink long enough and most of the things that you've never done, you'll find happening to you. Time goes on, we lower our bottoms.
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Thanks captain - yeh i know i'm an alchy, i have no problem admitting that, i know i could have had a seat in .A.A at 17 - maybe younger. It's just getting my head round it being an illness in me and accpeting that . I don't know why. I didn't lose everythiing materially- but mentally and spiritually i was really low- and had been for a long time. I guess, like you, the unmanageability is a problem at times- but i have written my reasons already- so if i start to doubt that i can look over them. I know i have to keep on doing whats been suggested by ppl on here, in A..A and my sponser and keep praying and i'll accept step 1 in its entirity. Thanks again.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Don't sell yourself short. many people a lot smarter then you and I have tried to think themselves to be a normal drinker.
Like you said, at an early age, I drank to excess. Once the taste of alcohol passed my lips, I was pretty much powerless to how much I would drink. I do believe, alcohol does trigger something in us that the average person isn't bothered by.
We have a person in our home group that has triggers to gambling. He can and does spend a lot if, he goes to a casino. I blow $20.00 and I can stop too hard on my wallet.
There's no shame in being an alcoholic. The shame stems from knowing you are and not doing something about it. If, you were told, you had cancer, would you take chemo. or, deny you had cancer? If, you were told, you had diabetes would you not take insulin?
Alcohol will destroy a person long before it kills them
Like you said, at an early age, I drank to excess. Once the taste of alcohol passed my lips, I was pretty much powerless to how much I would drink. I do believe, alcohol does trigger something in us that the average person isn't bothered by.
We have a person in our home group that has triggers to gambling. He can and does spend a lot if, he goes to a casino. I blow $20.00 and I can stop too hard on my wallet.
There's no shame in being an alcoholic. The shame stems from knowing you are and not doing something about it. If, you were told, you had cancer, would you take chemo. or, deny you had cancer? If, you were told, you had diabetes would you not take insulin?
Alcohol will destroy a person long before it kills them
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 170
Funny thing about my mind it plays tricks on me, have you ever heard that?
In the past I would put a period of sobriety together and suddenly get the thought to have a few cocktails. In light of past experiences I knew I wasn’t being very smart but after a few hours of drinking there I was sitting in a jail cell wondering how I got there.
I remember ended up with this good job (well several) but figured each time I’d do a little celebrating. How long do you think I kept the jobs?
Drinking or rather how good drinking made me feel always won out over anything else worth while my life. I would do anything to feel that warm fuzzy feeling that told me I mattered. That in itself is pretty insane, that in itself describes the mental twist associated with my drinking. There are several good examples in chapter 3 of the Big Book and I bet you have a few of your own you already gave a description or two.
In the past I would put a period of sobriety together and suddenly get the thought to have a few cocktails. In light of past experiences I knew I wasn’t being very smart but after a few hours of drinking there I was sitting in a jail cell wondering how I got there.
I remember ended up with this good job (well several) but figured each time I’d do a little celebrating. How long do you think I kept the jobs?
Drinking or rather how good drinking made me feel always won out over anything else worth while my life. I would do anything to feel that warm fuzzy feeling that told me I mattered. That in itself is pretty insane, that in itself describes the mental twist associated with my drinking. There are several good examples in chapter 3 of the Big Book and I bet you have a few of your own you already gave a description or two.
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Yes i do have many examples i could come with 1cor - even when i went to A..A and got on the steps i relapsed- and i believe it is because my step 1 was not done fully- i couldnt accept it. Im going to spend as much time thats needed on my step 1 this time- i know how important it is. I am an alcoholic- my last drinking spree shows that- and i dohave a mental obsession for it. thanks guys.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Step 6 in the 12 & 12 talks about practicing the steps and perfection. I don't have the exact quote handy right now but it states there's only one step that requires perfection, and that is the First Step. Read carefully the Doctors Opinion, Bill's Story, There Is a Solution (with the appendix on Spiritual Experience), and More About Alcoholism (preferably with your sponsor) These chapters are the 1st step in the BB. Also, the chapter of Step One is also goodc in the 12&12.
Perfection sounds hard to obtain in the 1st step, but if you read the above suggestions (more than once), it becomes very understandable. Thinking back on my drinking days, I knew I was powerless and had a unmanageable life. Thinking where I was, puts no doubts in my mind. I did my drinkin' to numb my thinkin' problem.
Tom
Perfection sounds hard to obtain in the 1st step, but if you read the above suggestions (more than once), it becomes very understandable. Thinking back on my drinking days, I knew I was powerless and had a unmanageable life. Thinking where I was, puts no doubts in my mind. I did my drinkin' to numb my thinkin' problem.
Tom
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
uni the first half of the first step was an easy one for me, it was that unmanageable part I fought with for about my first 2 months sober. I have a feeling it took that long for the fog to clear enough for me to see my life clearly enough when I was drinking to realize that my life was unmanagable while I was drinking. Once at 2 months sober I realized that at 52 years old I really could not manage to pay my own bills or anything else that mattered in life that I was able to see the unmanagabilty. The only thing I did manage to do was go to work and drink!
The longer I am sober the more aware I have become of just how powerless I am over alcohol, I would drink again even after my family would beg me and threaten me, these were the same people that I would have given my life for without hesitation yet I could not stop drinking for them. I recall now clearly what I was thinking when I had my first drink at 11 or 12, before I was finished I wanted another drink and every time I drank after that I was always thinking about the next drink before finishing the one in my hand.
You have recieved some darn good advice and it sounds as though you are moving towards where you need to be.
The longer I am sober the more aware I have become of just how powerless I am over alcohol, I would drink again even after my family would beg me and threaten me, these were the same people that I would have given my life for without hesitation yet I could not stop drinking for them. I recall now clearly what I was thinking when I had my first drink at 11 or 12, before I was finished I wanted another drink and every time I drank after that I was always thinking about the next drink before finishing the one in my hand.
You have recieved some darn good advice and it sounds as though you are moving towards where you need to be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Here is one of the few sites that has the 12&12 online to read. The following link is page 21 on Step One. Good stuff.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step One, Page 23 - Nashville Recovery
Tom
Alcoholics Anonymous: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step One, Page 23 - Nashville Recovery
Tom
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I will share this about my first step Uni.
It was more of a feeling than anything I actually wrote down or intellectualized. It was both relieving and VERY uncomfortable. I mean, to come to the realization that I am pretty much f***** without a miracle is not easy to accept. My ego always wanted to find a cunning way that "I" could do it - just fooling myself, rarely fooling a sponsor or those around me. It is pretty much saying "I know I am gonna drink again and there is nothing I can do about it."
Make sense?
It was more of a feeling than anything I actually wrote down or intellectualized. It was both relieving and VERY uncomfortable. I mean, to come to the realization that I am pretty much f***** without a miracle is not easy to accept. My ego always wanted to find a cunning way that "I" could do it - just fooling myself, rarely fooling a sponsor or those around me. It is pretty much saying "I know I am gonna drink again and there is nothing I can do about it."
Make sense?
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Yes that does make sense suger, althoughi really have no desire to drink again- atleast that i am conscious of. I am filled with gratitude for what i have- and i really want to accept step 1 in its entirity. I believe i will in time- thanks signal for the link- im gonna look over it now. Thanks Taz- i am like you in that the longe ri get at being sober the more i realisehow messed up things were when i did drank. I believe it takes time and work and i'm going to put the effort in needed- i want to know for sure that this step is done right before i move forward- i dont care how long it takes- maybe a day or maybe a very long time. Thanks agan to all.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
uni do not drag your feet on this step, yes it is the most important one, basically you need to be able to say to ask your self honestly at this point in time, "Do I have any power over what will happen to me if I have a drink at this moment?" If your answer is "No" then ask your self "Am I able to manage all of the affairs in my life while I am drinking?", if the answer is "No" then talk to your sponsor, if the 2 of you concur then it is time to move on to step 2.
If you are like me your step one will get stronger as you work through the other steps and get more time under your belt.
If you are like me your step one will get stronger as you work through the other steps and get more time under your belt.
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