Apologies?
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Apologies?
I had a difficult issue this past week. And I prayed and prayed to my higher power to put whomever and whatever I need into my life to find the answer to my issue.
As a ACOA. my behaivor has been hurtful to a person in my life I care very much about. A month ago, she told me should could not help me, and she felt it best we should not write or talk and wished me best on my path. I was crushed. I had just started Alanon and CoDa, and was just starting to get better.
Now a month later, thru the programs, I have found that I am so deeply sorry for hurting her in anyway, and I feel terrible about it. I realized that as a ACOA, I treated her as someone who could help me, put undue expectations on our friendhsip, and pushed her away. I made so many mistakes and now I don't don't if she'll ever see me again or even be open to me no matter how well i become. I deeply regret my behavior, but know if I write her now, I would only prove how little I have changed.
So my issue and question to all who have experienced this: How do you know WHEN it is the right time to apologize?
Thank you to anyone who would like to write.
Ken
As a ACOA. my behaivor has been hurtful to a person in my life I care very much about. A month ago, she told me should could not help me, and she felt it best we should not write or talk and wished me best on my path. I was crushed. I had just started Alanon and CoDa, and was just starting to get better.
Now a month later, thru the programs, I have found that I am so deeply sorry for hurting her in anyway, and I feel terrible about it. I realized that as a ACOA, I treated her as someone who could help me, put undue expectations on our friendhsip, and pushed her away. I made so many mistakes and now I don't don't if she'll ever see me again or even be open to me no matter how well i become. I deeply regret my behavior, but know if I write her now, I would only prove how little I have changed.
So my issue and question to all who have experienced this: How do you know WHEN it is the right time to apologize?
Thank you to anyone who would like to write.
Ken
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Ken,
The way I do apologies in my life is the "12 step way". Specificaly Steps 4 thru 9. 'course, they work a whole lot better if I do steps 1 to 3 _before_ I start on step 4. Having a good sponsor makes it _worlds_ easier.
You've mentioned before that you were going to Al-Anon meets. How are you doing with those? Have you got a good sponsor? Have you worked thru the steps with somebody else?
Mike :-)
The way I do apologies in my life is the "12 step way". Specificaly Steps 4 thru 9. 'course, they work a whole lot better if I do steps 1 to 3 _before_ I start on step 4. Having a good sponsor makes it _worlds_ easier.
You've mentioned before that you were going to Al-Anon meets. How are you doing with those? Have you got a good sponsor? Have you worked thru the steps with somebody else?
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Thanks Mike!
Yes, I do have a sponser. Called him yesterday and talked. Then went to my meeting that night. And my prayers were answered. My higher power put those people in my life who gave me enough to answer my own question. And my answer is that the time is not right. For now!
Steps 1-3 are all about letting go. And until I truly let go, I will never find any peace. When I do, then I can apologize, with the same sincerety, but the time will be right.
It is awful hard to let go of control. It is so insideous, so subtle, so habitual. Before Alanon and Coda, I wasn't even aware of it. I am now aware.
I couldn't understand a "higher power" except the word God. Now as a Buddhist I understand my higher power.
Before I couldn't turn myself over, because that meant losing control. Now I pray to lose control.
So all in all, it is still a bitch to stop trying to control, but at least I understand and am fully motivated to do so. Even if it means pain and confusion. I'll get there
Ken
Yes, I do have a sponser. Called him yesterday and talked. Then went to my meeting that night. And my prayers were answered. My higher power put those people in my life who gave me enough to answer my own question. And my answer is that the time is not right. For now!
Steps 1-3 are all about letting go. And until I truly let go, I will never find any peace. When I do, then I can apologize, with the same sincerety, but the time will be right.
It is awful hard to let go of control. It is so insideous, so subtle, so habitual. Before Alanon and Coda, I wasn't even aware of it. I am now aware.
I couldn't understand a "higher power" except the word God. Now as a Buddhist I understand my higher power.
Before I couldn't turn myself over, because that meant losing control. Now I pray to lose control.
So all in all, it is still a bitch to stop trying to control, but at least I understand and am fully motivated to do so. Even if it means pain and confusion. I'll get there
Ken
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by kennethhoff
... It is awful hard to let go of control. It is so insideous, so subtle, so habitual....
Who is in control of the wind? The man who stands against it? or the man who buids a sail-boat and casts off to seek adventure?
The reason I cling to control is because I lack faith. Faith that my life will _always_ turn out for the best as a result of my _attitude_, and not as a result of my efforts. That was _never_ true when I was a child in a "toxic family". That is _always_ true now that I am an adult.
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
awareness it great, yeap... keep up the posistive attitude.
it's not going to go away by itself, but since we are aware,
we catch ourselve faster. Sometimes we might even
react in our old manners, but as long as we strive forward
we get better at it.
Re-enforce with posistive habits or charecter developement.
In the mean time. i just tell myself, I love myself
everyday as much as I can. It's almost a habit for
me now. It was just as hard as to do this as it is to
let go...You know, at first it sounds corny as heck
and the very act of stairing at myself in the mirror
and pionting to myself and telling myself
"dude....I love you"...felt stupid.
But i also notice... those wierd old feelings
of nothing being good enough would come up.
As if every part of my being was rejecting the it.
The hair on my the back of my neck would stand up
or the sinking feelings comes. And I part of me wanted to
cry. I had tears in my eyes.
God the infinent wisdom and love
Loves me unconditionally, and forgive me.
The question is do I love myself and pratice it or do it ?
With enough self love. I'm able to forgive myself and others.
It's a process. Though this process I'm able to practice, pateint
love, torelance and have empaty for myself. With some experince
from within. I'm able to transfer that to the outside.
The more I understand myself, the more I can understand others.
We are all God's children.
it's not going to go away by itself, but since we are aware,
we catch ourselve faster. Sometimes we might even
react in our old manners, but as long as we strive forward
we get better at it.
Re-enforce with posistive habits or charecter developement.
In the mean time. i just tell myself, I love myself
everyday as much as I can. It's almost a habit for
me now. It was just as hard as to do this as it is to
let go...You know, at first it sounds corny as heck
and the very act of stairing at myself in the mirror
and pionting to myself and telling myself
"dude....I love you"...felt stupid.
But i also notice... those wierd old feelings
of nothing being good enough would come up.
As if every part of my being was rejecting the it.
The hair on my the back of my neck would stand up
or the sinking feelings comes. And I part of me wanted to
cry. I had tears in my eyes.
God the infinent wisdom and love
Loves me unconditionally, and forgive me.
The question is do I love myself and pratice it or do it ?
With enough self love. I'm able to forgive myself and others.
It's a process. Though this process I'm able to practice, pateint
love, torelance and have empaty for myself. With some experince
from within. I'm able to transfer that to the outside.
The more I understand myself, the more I can understand others.
We are all God's children.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
The reason I cling to control is because I lack faith. Faith that my life will _always_ turn out for the best as a result of my _attitude_, and not as a result of my efforts. That was _never_ true when I was a child in a "toxic family".
Makes alot of sense.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
i THINK now whenit comes to apologies, i used to say sorry all the time, more often than thinking , i always stuff things up becuase i am stufed up and out of the fear i learnt in my childhood spit out sorrys as some sort of peace offering before heading for the hills.
today i try to not say sorry at all unless it is calm and gentle and sincere. if its rushed or panicky, then theres a chance im trying to control the situation due to my fear or some sort of attack or punishment.
today i try to not say sorry at all unless it is calm and gentle and sincere. if its rushed or panicky, then theres a chance im trying to control the situation due to my fear or some sort of attack or punishment.
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Originally Posted by kennethhoff
So my issue and question to all who have experienced this: How do you know WHEN it is the right time to apologize?
I dunno ken.Perhaps when your emotions have quieted down a little you will know when the time is right to apologize.
Just dont make the same mistake of apologizing with expectations.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I think Peter is right. The other thing I have noticed about myself is apologizing for the purpose of being the peacekeeper, or bc people expect me too, or to try and end conflict.
As ACOA's we are taught that we can control the mood of the family by being with ours. I apologize for things that are not mine to apologize for.
I have come along way and dont do it so much anymore, but there are still times when I feel something isnt the way it should be and I start accepting blame and apologizing to smooth things over and make everyone happy..or so I think.
Its a control issue I think.
As ACOA's we are taught that we can control the mood of the family by being with ours. I apologize for things that are not mine to apologize for.
I have come along way and dont do it so much anymore, but there are still times when I feel something isnt the way it should be and I start accepting blame and apologizing to smooth things over and make everyone happy..or so I think.
Its a control issue I think.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Well all I can do is say thank you all very much for ALL your thoughts and opinions.
I will tell you the outcome now.
When I first thought about apologizing, I felt sooo guilty inside for past actions. I learned to pray and ask my higher power for guidance. I was led to others who said maybe this is not the right time. And so I didn't.
Then a couple of nights ago I couldn't sleep and at 3am sat at my PC for two hours, just spinning in my own mind, do I or don't I? It was a horrible feeling, one I knew from the past. But this time I knew I must make a decision one way or another or I'd agonize forever. So I prayed and asked that I do the right thing, and I just let go.
I wrote an email, just a few paragraphs, no long letter.
I said I hoped she was doing great, and that I sincerely thank her for what she did by saying good-bye. That this was such a difficult thing to do, write that is, and that one day I am going to be really well. To recover and be at peace as I always have wanted. And that when that day comes, she and I would both be proud. But today was not the day, and all i can do is ask her forgiveness for a lifetime of sickness and disease, and could she ever forgive me?
The next day she wrote back and she said 'Yes ken, I can forgive you. I wish you all the best in your recovery, and I know you'll be just fine!".
I read it and cried. She did forgive me. And now I can move on, learn to let go, find peace in letting go and asking my higher power for help and guidance, and maybe one day we shall be friends again. And if so, it will be a true friendship, with real love and compassion.
I am grateful for her, for all of you, and for my higher power for all the love, support and guidance I receive.
Thank you all,
Ken
I will tell you the outcome now.
When I first thought about apologizing, I felt sooo guilty inside for past actions. I learned to pray and ask my higher power for guidance. I was led to others who said maybe this is not the right time. And so I didn't.
Then a couple of nights ago I couldn't sleep and at 3am sat at my PC for two hours, just spinning in my own mind, do I or don't I? It was a horrible feeling, one I knew from the past. But this time I knew I must make a decision one way or another or I'd agonize forever. So I prayed and asked that I do the right thing, and I just let go.
I wrote an email, just a few paragraphs, no long letter.
I said I hoped she was doing great, and that I sincerely thank her for what she did by saying good-bye. That this was such a difficult thing to do, write that is, and that one day I am going to be really well. To recover and be at peace as I always have wanted. And that when that day comes, she and I would both be proud. But today was not the day, and all i can do is ask her forgiveness for a lifetime of sickness and disease, and could she ever forgive me?
The next day she wrote back and she said 'Yes ken, I can forgive you. I wish you all the best in your recovery, and I know you'll be just fine!".
I read it and cried. She did forgive me. And now I can move on, learn to let go, find peace in letting go and asking my higher power for help and guidance, and maybe one day we shall be friends again. And if so, it will be a true friendship, with real love and compassion.
I am grateful for her, for all of you, and for my higher power for all the love, support and guidance I receive.
Thank you all,
Ken
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