Friendships - how are yours?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya BeginAgain,
Welcome to recovery :-) I find that when my stuff bubbles up it's easier to scoop up and get rid off. The more "baggage" I get rid off the better I feel about _me_, the more I trust myself, and the more _real_ friends I make.
Well.... you could try us folk here on SR 
* puts on hotel concierge costume and oils wheels on luggage cart *
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by BeginAgain
... every time I leave there it seems like more and more is bubbling to the surface ...
Originally Posted by BeginAgain
... ...too bad I can't think of one person I'd feel comfortable burdening with my baggage....
* puts on hotel concierge costume and oils wheels on luggage cart *
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
(((beginagain)))
thank god for one day at a time. i can often feel overwhelmed, in doing step 4 i am swamped in just how deep the effects of alcoholism and abuse have on me and my family. if i focus on just this one day...just for today its important to not just do step work all the time. recovery is a tool for life, its not life in itself, its to use and take to my life. its important that i have time away from recovery stuff, just watching some comedy, getting some laughter into my life is so important to me, it gives me a laugh just with me. prayer and meditation, also reading literature are immense (CAL esp) its that feeling of loneliness, sorrow mixed with anxiety, that feeling of oh god in heaven im damaged goods, im a ****-ed up charity case im a......that is the voice of self hatred and negativity. god is the best bellboy, being able to carry millions of bags of emotional crap. i stopped heaving all my luggage up the steps in step 2. i realised it would be one bag at a time and one step at atime. one hour, one second at a time. breathing now, peace.
thank god for one day at a time. i can often feel overwhelmed, in doing step 4 i am swamped in just how deep the effects of alcoholism and abuse have on me and my family. if i focus on just this one day...just for today its important to not just do step work all the time. recovery is a tool for life, its not life in itself, its to use and take to my life. its important that i have time away from recovery stuff, just watching some comedy, getting some laughter into my life is so important to me, it gives me a laugh just with me. prayer and meditation, also reading literature are immense (CAL esp) its that feeling of loneliness, sorrow mixed with anxiety, that feeling of oh god in heaven im damaged goods, im a ****-ed up charity case im a......that is the voice of self hatred and negativity. god is the best bellboy, being able to carry millions of bags of emotional crap. i stopped heaving all my luggage up the steps in step 2. i realised it would be one bag at a time and one step at atime. one hour, one second at a time. breathing now, peace.
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Suger
wow. good topic. lol! well where to begin? the short answer is always good: F*CK 'EM!!!
ok so maybe that was a little short.
i have a non-negotiable policy in my relationships. i want people to treat me the way i would treat them. period. end of story. i mean, its not that complex. example. if i make plans with someone and they do not honour their words to me, theyre out: why? i need people i can trust, who put me first, who honour their promises to me, who are there for me. if people are casual about the words theyuse then they arent good enough for fabulousness. thats it. if they cant honour their words over a casual get together or phonecall, then they sure arent going to be there for me when the chips are down. so who cares about people like that? dump em!!! you deserve better. if you take **** all ya get is ****. if you dont take **** ya get cherished. seems easy enough. i want quality relationships, not quantity.
ok so maybe that was a little short.
i have a non-negotiable policy in my relationships. i want people to treat me the way i would treat them. period. end of story. i mean, its not that complex. example. if i make plans with someone and they do not honour their words to me, theyre out: why? i need people i can trust, who put me first, who honour their promises to me, who are there for me. if people are casual about the words theyuse then they arent good enough for fabulousness. thats it. if they cant honour their words over a casual get together or phonecall, then they sure arent going to be there for me when the chips are down. so who cares about people like that? dump em!!! you deserve better. if you take **** all ya get is ****. if you dont take **** ya get cherished. seems easy enough. i want quality relationships, not quantity.
You must go through a lot of friends with that approach. Like I said, I have three friends, and they most definitely ARE my friends. I don't know anyone else that would travel 20 miles, by taxi cab, when they don't have any money, to help you look for your dog. I don't know anyone else that will drop everything (and I mean literally everything) just to sit with me while I'm having a freak-out session over something in my life. I started this topic to find out how other's friendships are with people, because my mother and sister and I have the same type of friends, and we're all ACoA. Personally, I think your all or nothing approach could be a sign of something else. If I toss away someone's friendship because they didn't come and hang out with me one day, I'd have to question my own sanity. It's not about that at all for me. For me, it's more of "if you can't show up, call". What the above sounds like is "if you can't show up, it's over, phone call or not". jmo.
As far as your other question, about why would I be "nasty", if you had read any of my other postings in other forums, you'd know that at about age 14, I attempted to kill my father. So now, I have a healthy fear of my temper, because it didn't take much to make me try to strangle him. When I get angry, I shut it down, because I don't want to see what it could lead to. People that know me think I'm one of the nicest people they know. Maybe I am. But what I know is that I'm capable of being less than nice, very easily. That's what I meant by "nasty".
Also, if being kind to others when you feel the urge is trying to buy people, colour me guilty. I'm fairly sure in that statement, the one you quoted, I said
"I don't know about the rest of you but I was just like this growing up also. Always giving, always helping, probably just because I wanted someone to like me."
That was in reference to childhood, which I have already stated that I would buy candy and such so people would be my friend. I'm 36 now. People don't get candy from me that easily anymore, and I don't need to do it.
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Hi BeginAgain - LOVED your last posting.
I guess I should probably consider myself lucky, because as you so eloquently put it, friendships change as the years pass, and sometimes they can't last. My two male friends I've been friends with for 10+ years, and my close female friend, since childhood. She's one of the people I have my earliest memories of. Somehow, throughout the changes in our lives, we've managed to stay close. Perhaps I need to look at that aspect, and realize that I've got something good going with these people. Our lives must ebb and tide together because nothing has ever pushed us apart, the way life sometimes does.
Since realizing that some of the problems in my life may stem from being an ACoA, I, like you, have been pulling back a little. I too am the one that friends turn to when they need advice or a favour, and like you said, I must be getting something from it or it wouldn't be happening at all. For the first time in my life, since reading the ACoA books I've gotten thus far, I feel really good about turning my focus inward, and working on me. Give me a warm fuzzy feeling
You're lucky too - you married your best friend! I've never even been engaged - issues with trusting men, I suppose. At least now the reason for me working on these things is solely to improve my life for myself, instead of patching the broken spots for someone else. It's like.. breaking a lamp. You put the pieces back together before anyone notices, but you look at it and you see every imperfection. This time, since discovering that I'm not alone and there's a world full of ACoAs out there and I'm not so unusual, I've saved myself a lot of glue and said "....lamp's broken." It's freeing not to have to cover it up.
Very sorry about the loss of your friend. I've never been in that situation before so I can't imagine how that felt, and probably still feels. You ever think that the loss was so bad that you've kept yourself from letting another friend get that close? I could see me doing that very easily, because I have with relationships. I had a horrible one 11 years ago, and I've never bothered to be that open to romance since then. In fact, it feels strange to me. I had a date a few weeks ago, and he kept touching me.. wanting to hold my hand, put a hand on my leg, stuff like that. I felt like I was made of stone. Even when I tried to just let myself go, I couldn't. If a bad relationship could do that much damage, I bet the loss of a best friend could, too.
Congrats with starting therapy. Do you go for an hour at a time? I like having that time all for me, where I can just think about me and my needs and someone sits there and listens, and offers advice. Everyone should do it!
I guess I should probably consider myself lucky, because as you so eloquently put it, friendships change as the years pass, and sometimes they can't last. My two male friends I've been friends with for 10+ years, and my close female friend, since childhood. She's one of the people I have my earliest memories of. Somehow, throughout the changes in our lives, we've managed to stay close. Perhaps I need to look at that aspect, and realize that I've got something good going with these people. Our lives must ebb and tide together because nothing has ever pushed us apart, the way life sometimes does.
Since realizing that some of the problems in my life may stem from being an ACoA, I, like you, have been pulling back a little. I too am the one that friends turn to when they need advice or a favour, and like you said, I must be getting something from it or it wouldn't be happening at all. For the first time in my life, since reading the ACoA books I've gotten thus far, I feel really good about turning my focus inward, and working on me. Give me a warm fuzzy feeling
You're lucky too - you married your best friend! I've never even been engaged - issues with trusting men, I suppose. At least now the reason for me working on these things is solely to improve my life for myself, instead of patching the broken spots for someone else. It's like.. breaking a lamp. You put the pieces back together before anyone notices, but you look at it and you see every imperfection. This time, since discovering that I'm not alone and there's a world full of ACoAs out there and I'm not so unusual, I've saved myself a lot of glue and said "....lamp's broken." It's freeing not to have to cover it up.
Very sorry about the loss of your friend. I've never been in that situation before so I can't imagine how that felt, and probably still feels. You ever think that the loss was so bad that you've kept yourself from letting another friend get that close? I could see me doing that very easily, because I have with relationships. I had a horrible one 11 years ago, and I've never bothered to be that open to romance since then. In fact, it feels strange to me. I had a date a few weeks ago, and he kept touching me.. wanting to hold my hand, put a hand on my leg, stuff like that. I felt like I was made of stone. Even when I tried to just let myself go, I couldn't. If a bad relationship could do that much damage, I bet the loss of a best friend could, too.
Congrats with starting therapy. Do you go for an hour at a time? I like having that time all for me, where I can just think about me and my needs and someone sits there and listens, and offers advice. Everyone should do it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by daddysdaughter
I am really working on making more friends now and not worrying about whether I "qualify" to have friends. I am feeling much better about myself and I am finding that as I value myself more, I am much more outgoing and much more able to engage with others socially. I have also found that I can be pretty standoffish and a bit judgemental at times which isnt too helpful either. I think that over the years i was probably accidentally pushing away people that would have wanted to be my friend probably out of an unconscious fear of not being "good enough" because I would assume that others' homelives were much more "normal" than mine. Now, im at the point of "who cares, we're all people" I will try and make friends and if it doesnt work out....move on. I havent got a lot of really close friendships right now, but over time it will come. I am at the point of working on me right now. In order to make genuine friends I need to be ready to be a genuine friend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by blueglass
You must go through a lot of friends with that approach. Like I said, I have three friends, and they most definitely ARE my friends. I don't know anyone else that would travel 20 miles, by taxi cab, when they don't have any money, to help you look for your dog. I don't know anyone else that will drop everything (and I mean literally everything) just to sit with me while I'm having a freak-out session over something in my life. I started this topic to find out how other's friendships are with people, because my mother and sister and I have the same type of friends, and we're all ACoA. Personally, I think your all or nothing approach could be a sign of something else. If I toss away someone's friendship because they didn't come and hang out with me one day, I'd have to question my own sanity. It's not about that at all for me. For me, it's more of "if you can't show up, call". What the above sounds like is "if you can't show up, it's over, phone call or not". jmo.
As far as your other question, about why would I be "nasty", if you had read any of my other postings in other forums, you'd know that at about age 14, I attempted to kill my father. So now, I have a healthy fear of my temper, because it didn't take much to make me try to strangle him. When I get angry, I shut it down, because I don't want to see what it could lead to. People that know me think I'm one of the nicest people they know. Maybe I am. But what I know is that I'm capable of being less than nice, very easily. That's what I meant by "nasty".
Also, if being kind to others when you feel the urge is trying to buy people, colour me guilty. I'm fairly sure in that statement, the one you quoted, I said
"I don't know about the rest of you but I was just like this growing up also. Always giving, always helping, probably just because I wanted someone to like me."
That was in reference to childhood, which I have already stated that I would buy candy and such so people would be my friend. I'm 36 now. People don't get candy from me that easily anymore, and I don't need to do it.
As far as your other question, about why would I be "nasty", if you had read any of my other postings in other forums, you'd know that at about age 14, I attempted to kill my father. So now, I have a healthy fear of my temper, because it didn't take much to make me try to strangle him. When I get angry, I shut it down, because I don't want to see what it could lead to. People that know me think I'm one of the nicest people they know. Maybe I am. But what I know is that I'm capable of being less than nice, very easily. That's what I meant by "nasty".
Also, if being kind to others when you feel the urge is trying to buy people, colour me guilty. I'm fairly sure in that statement, the one you quoted, I said
"I don't know about the rest of you but I was just like this growing up also. Always giving, always helping, probably just because I wanted someone to like me."
That was in reference to childhood, which I have already stated that I would buy candy and such so people would be my friend. I'm 36 now. People don't get candy from me that easily anymore, and I don't need to do it.
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Indeed, utopia!
Someone was just asking me about my mom's reason for doing some of the things she does, and while I do still take the time to look at her behaviour, see if it's healthy, and if not try to keep myself from doing the same thing, I don't attempt anymore to understand. My need for understanding only goes as far as a person's actions towards me, and even then I just throw my hands up and walk in the opposite direction
And hey, while I'm here.. Happy New Year everyone!
Someone was just asking me about my mom's reason for doing some of the things she does, and while I do still take the time to look at her behaviour, see if it's healthy, and if not try to keep myself from doing the same thing, I don't attempt anymore to understand. My need for understanding only goes as far as a person's actions towards me, and even then I just throw my hands up and walk in the opposite direction
And hey, while I'm here.. Happy New Year everyone!
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Just wanted to update, because I've had a "Eureka!" moment in regards to my closest relationships.
Sometimes, when you feel a certain way regarding a situation, it may seem crazy, and people may make you try to think that you are crazy, when in fact, it's not YOUR problem at all.
Let me make this easier to read, first. My best friend we'll call CJ, and his boyfriend we'll call AC.
When CJ and AC began dating (somewhere around '98, I think), it was brought to my attention that AC was jealous of my relationship with CJ. CJ and I had been closer than friends once upon a time, but that was over and neither of us harbored feelings of the romantic nature towards each other. AC did whatever he could (and thought he was being sly about it) to keep CJ and I from having any sort of solo interaction by inviting himself to everything we did. I conceeded, just to save all of us trouble, and thought that by building a better friendship with AC, I would ease his mind. I thought I did so, until the problem came up again in 2001, right around the time I was due to have major surgery. Again, I extended the olive branch, and I thought things were ok.
Well, for the past 6-7 months, AC has been jealous again of my friendship with CJ, and has been intentionally making sure I'm not invited to things because he didn't want to have to deal with his own emotions. How do I know this? I was very direct with him yesterday and told him that I knew. I said "I know that you've been keeping me at a distance, and excluding me from things because you are worried about CJ and I being involved again, and I want you to know that while I'm not angry about that, I am very upset with you for doing all these things to keep me at a distance instead of talking to me and clearing the air." He admitted that I was right.
We weren't able to discuss it in length like we need to, because people kept coming to the house, but I told him we'll talk about it at some point, because this can not keep happening. Then I talked to CJ later, and told him what AC admitted to me, and he chalked it up to projection - AC can't really be trusted on the fidelity front, and he may just be blanketing me with it.
I can completely understand anyone that CJ dates being threatened by our friendship, because the bond between he and I is completely beyond description, and would intimidate anyone not understanding how close we are. Our very souls connect, and I've never had a friend like this before. I'm closer to CJ than anyone else I know, and people who haven't experienced friendship like this would probably view it as something more. The thing is that all day long I have been crying off and on because I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever feel guilty for loving my best friend. And I do.
I don't know how I'm going to handle the rest of this situation, considering that AC is, and has been, a less-than-honest person about all of this, and took it to the point of doing whatever he could to keep me away from CJ as much as possible. I'm going to continue to approach this from a place of honesty, that much I know. I just hope that I can work through the emotions I have regarding all of this. AC's actions lead to me feeling very badly about things for months, and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him this time.
So there ya go... it wasn't all in my mind (for a change).
Sometimes, when you feel a certain way regarding a situation, it may seem crazy, and people may make you try to think that you are crazy, when in fact, it's not YOUR problem at all.
Let me make this easier to read, first. My best friend we'll call CJ, and his boyfriend we'll call AC.
When CJ and AC began dating (somewhere around '98, I think), it was brought to my attention that AC was jealous of my relationship with CJ. CJ and I had been closer than friends once upon a time, but that was over and neither of us harbored feelings of the romantic nature towards each other. AC did whatever he could (and thought he was being sly about it) to keep CJ and I from having any sort of solo interaction by inviting himself to everything we did. I conceeded, just to save all of us trouble, and thought that by building a better friendship with AC, I would ease his mind. I thought I did so, until the problem came up again in 2001, right around the time I was due to have major surgery. Again, I extended the olive branch, and I thought things were ok.
Well, for the past 6-7 months, AC has been jealous again of my friendship with CJ, and has been intentionally making sure I'm not invited to things because he didn't want to have to deal with his own emotions. How do I know this? I was very direct with him yesterday and told him that I knew. I said "I know that you've been keeping me at a distance, and excluding me from things because you are worried about CJ and I being involved again, and I want you to know that while I'm not angry about that, I am very upset with you for doing all these things to keep me at a distance instead of talking to me and clearing the air." He admitted that I was right.
We weren't able to discuss it in length like we need to, because people kept coming to the house, but I told him we'll talk about it at some point, because this can not keep happening. Then I talked to CJ later, and told him what AC admitted to me, and he chalked it up to projection - AC can't really be trusted on the fidelity front, and he may just be blanketing me with it.
I can completely understand anyone that CJ dates being threatened by our friendship, because the bond between he and I is completely beyond description, and would intimidate anyone not understanding how close we are. Our very souls connect, and I've never had a friend like this before. I'm closer to CJ than anyone else I know, and people who haven't experienced friendship like this would probably view it as something more. The thing is that all day long I have been crying off and on because I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever feel guilty for loving my best friend. And I do.
I don't know how I'm going to handle the rest of this situation, considering that AC is, and has been, a less-than-honest person about all of this, and took it to the point of doing whatever he could to keep me away from CJ as much as possible. I'm going to continue to approach this from a place of honesty, that much I know. I just hope that I can work through the emotions I have regarding all of this. AC's actions lead to me feeling very badly about things for months, and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him this time.
So there ya go... it wasn't all in my mind (for a change).
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