utopia

life is unmanageable for me when i would seriously prefer death than my current predicament. all this hard work is before me and im uncertain of my capabilities. all factors and areas of my life seem to be down the toilet, living with my mothers ACOAisms, travelling so far to my university all the time, feeling sick and lonely, i havent a real independent sense of home or respect enought o feed or exercise my body as good as i want. its hard to let go of perfection.

faced with the OVERWHELMING and TRAPPED feeling like im in a box.
dont want a man tocome in and rescue, only i and god can get out but i need therapy, need alanon, need salvation.

when my body would fill with an electric charge of joy and calm, thinking of different ways to die. death will bring the cessation of consciousness, the end of thought, the peace of not existing.
buti n my spiritual belief i believe i will just have to come back to do it again.

trapped. bu the joy at thinking, what i f i threw myself in front of that train, that knife in my heart, that posion in my gut. it actually brings joy into the depths of my darkness.

and then the overwhelming agony that living with my mother is driving me to suicide, the inadequate feelings of not being able to cope, the powerlessness over even my own feelings, that i cant feel inner peace despite whatever, taht ll my spiritual concepts are grounded in my mind but not in my heart and soul which feel all of the anguish and frustration and despair. its so scary to have lost all hope.

i went to bed last night without brushing my teeth or cleaning my face. i thought how i used to binge, my addiction of times but i didnt even have the motivation to do taht, maybe binging isnt s bad if suicide feels like the only other option.

when i would rather die than face what life is right now. i need help and i need a lot of it.

i fell asleep to dreary russian hymns, praying taht god would kill me in my sleep.

but i awoke the next day...unexpectedly feeling a degree better.
i got a message from a guy i thought didnt like me.
i got a referral to see my psychiatrist again.
i told my friends i wanted to die last night and she held me and said i could call her whenever.
my mum told me there were people worse off than me and fretted.

when i would rather die, i need impartial voices, i need alanon, i need my higher power. i need to hold on through the black acid of pain that cuts into the soul so deeply and survival behaviours that i once shed may be needed again if just to get through the night, so that with the coming of the morning, i can call that therapist, go to that hospital, and say...just for today, i would rather die...help

peace.

escape artist

i feel the depth of your despair. you are in my prayers ((utopia))

robina

I read your post and I could hear the despair.

Are you being treated for depression? If you are suicidal, you should be on medication. When I was suicidal, medication saved my life.

Just remember that even though you are in a very dark place right now, those feelings can change and improve. Most importantly, reach out for help.

Love and blessings

Robin

skissors6

I know where you are at and i have total empathy for you.

It saddens me to hear you are so sad. i have gone through the whole wanting to die thing too and i still think about it and want to alot of the time, but i have realized that killing ourselves is the easy way out. the chicken way out. And i don't think you are an afraid chicken. You can't be! look at how far you have come already! Look at all you have gone through and accomplished!

I think you are a fantastic, and strong person and you shouldn't let anyone cause you to feel any less than that!
I love you and need you around! Call someone in those times. I'm glad you called your friend. That's a big step. None of my friends even know i have any issues with depression. i hide all of that. I only talk to program people. See, so you are already less in fear than i am, for you to reach out like that. I am too embarrassed to reach out to certain people in my time of distress. Look how strong and brave you are. Don't let this disease win! By killing yourself, you will be letting it defeat you!

anyway, thanks for posting, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will be sending you positive thoughts.

Love,
Skiss

utopia

thaks for your post. i was on various medication for 4 years and havent been on it for a year now. i just feel that medication is drowning out the issues and the feelings i need to feel and not numb with pills. if not junk food or drugs its medication.

i just dont see meds as an option. but thanks for your post all the same.

its just i miss being motivated. im seeing my psychiatrist again in a week and till then ive been getting by calling late night counselling phone services. small mercies. this too shall pass. but i wishit would pass quicker. this too shall pass, but i dont like to be wishing my life would speed past me.

nocellphone

Medications can be of tremendous help if they're used to correct a chemical imbalance. There are often benefits to be gained through a combination of medication therapy, psychotherapy and 12-Step involvement. It's all about balance...

utopia

yes, i strongly believe in balance equating a healthy mind and body.

but i dont believe in the chemical imbalance crap, not fo rme anyway despite the scientific stuff.

my depression is a repurcussion of high stress, childhood trauma, social dysfunction, coping behaviour and living with my adult child mama. my diet, sleep and exercise are irregular and im unhappy with my dead love life but glad with my small but good group of intimate friends and alanon. i dont believe that poppin a pill is gonna solve all those issues for me. i dont feel in touch with my body or mind when im on meds, they are just not for me.

i just wonder how many psychiatrist/chologists actually ask their clients what their diet, sleep and exercise patterns are, mine never have.

Evanna

Hello Utopia.
Wanting to die....i know that one. The opening of eyes...another day...cant deal...just wish i was dead.

I understand where you are coming from with the anti-depressents. I personally believe that anti-depressents can serve a place insofar as providing you with some let up from the overwhelming depression that makes it so hard to work on other areas of our lives. I believe they can provide people with a breather whereby they can start to function again. Start to take care of the little things, you know. I think that if anti-depressents provide some relief to a person who has struggled real hard with depression then that is perfectly acceptable. WE all deserve a break sometimes. If that is what a person needs to function longterm then that is okay too.

Yet i am like you. I would never give myself that break. Very hardline with myself...the only way out is through and all that stuff. As for the diet, sleep and exercise it is true that taking care of those basic things is keeping me feeling 100% better. Yet you know something...it took me moving through the depression before i could do it. When i was right 'in there' with the depression i simply couldnt deal.

I think what did help me though was easing up on myself and being a little gentle. The simple acknowledgement that i did feel bad, that i found life hard and that yes, i did feel like dying helped a lot. Once i started allowing myself to feel depressed without having to kick myself in the head about it then i started to move on. It was a simple as being kind to myself. As soon as i started being kind to myself i was able to act in ways that were good for me spite of how i felt. Then one day i realised that i just didnt feel that way anymore. Took me a long time though.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense. Just be kind to yourself, ok.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

utopia

bless u evanna, yes. acceptance is one of the keys.

nocellphone

I absolutely feel that medications are overprescribed, and that many doctors simply throw pills at symptoms without looking at underlying factors. If I'd been taken to a professional when I was a kid, I'd surely have been given a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD (and God knows what else...) and put on meds. My problem's not ADD, it's ACoA.

My antidepressant is Al-Anon...

utopia

i feel the same way no cellphone, in my studies i found that about 90% of ADD is overprescirbed. al-anon is the best "drug" i found, it comes through to me like a spiritual ether