When i would rather die...
life is unmanageable for me when i would seriously prefer death than my current predicament. all this hard work is before me and im uncertain of my capabilities. all factors and areas of my life seem to be down the toilet, living with my mothers ACOAisms, travelling so far to my university all the time, feeling sick and lonely, i havent a real independent sense of home or respect enought o feed or exercise my body as good as i want. its hard to let go of perfection.
faced with the OVERWHELMING and TRAPPED feeling like im in a box.
dont want a man tocome in and rescue, only i and god can get out but i need therapy, need alanon, need salvation.
when my body would fill with an electric charge of joy and calm, thinking of different ways to die. death will bring the cessation of consciousness, the end of thought, the peace of not existing.
buti n my spiritual belief i believe i will just have to come back to do it again.
trapped. bu the joy at thinking, what i f i threw myself in front of that train, that knife in my heart, that posion in my gut. it actually brings joy into the depths of my darkness.
and then the overwhelming agony that living with my mother is driving me to suicide, the inadequate feelings of not being able to cope, the powerlessness over even my own feelings, that i cant feel inner peace despite whatever, taht ll my spiritual concepts are grounded in my mind but not in my heart and soul which feel all of the anguish and frustration and despair. its so scary to have lost all hope.
i went to bed last night without brushing my teeth or cleaning my face. i thought how i used to binge, my addiction of times but i didnt even have the motivation to do taht, maybe binging isnt s bad if suicide feels like the only other option.
when i would rather die than face what life is right now. i need help and i need a lot of it.
i fell asleep to dreary russian hymns, praying taht god would kill me in my sleep.
but i awoke the next day...unexpectedly feeling a degree better.
i got a message from a guy i thought didnt like me.
i got a referral to see my psychiatrist again.
i told my friends i wanted to die last night and she held me and said i could call her whenever.
my mum told me there were people worse off than me and fretted.
when i would rather die, i need impartial voices, i need alanon, i need my higher power. i need to hold on through the black acid of pain that cuts into the soul so deeply and survival behaviours that i once shed may be needed again if just to get through the night, so that with the coming of the morning, i can call that therapist, go to that hospital, and say...just for today, i would rather die...help
peace.