tromboneliness

Wow. So much of this is familiar -- the "everyone thought [s]he was great, but being their kid was awful" aspect, the rage/control/alcoholism, expectation that we'd rush home to take care of them... and just wishing it would all be over. When my parents died, I felt only relief. And before my Dad went, I remember musing about what it might take to generate some kind of wireless signal to make his pacemaker go haywire... not that I would do any such thing, but the thought did occur.

And of course, not having any support or understanding from the extended family -- that sucks eggs, too. They all see the outside, and when you try to tell them about the inside, they say, "Oh, you can't take that personally -- that's just how they were." Good luck.

T

ajarlson

Wow that's exactly right tromboneliness. I drove home in a rage last night thinking of a very long letter I was going to send my brother just to let him know he had it a lot better than I did his whole life and that she treated him WORLDS better than she treated me. My family (kids, fiance, close friends) reminded me that he cannot see it, no matter what I say or do and it's better to just let go. It is, but it's also frustrating. I have my next counseling session subject matter all ready to go LOL

tromboneliness

It might be that writing the letter would help you -- as long as you don't send it. Bring it to your therapist or sponsor for discussion fodder. Actually sending it to the bro, however, merely "wastes time and annoys the pig," as we say around here (that's the second half of a joke that says, "Never try to teach a pig to sing..."). He won't get it, and will just turn around and show it to relatives as "evidence" that you're the crazy one, or whatever. No good will come of it. But as a writing exercise for yourself, that's different -- it might be worth a try.

T

ajarlson

Thanks, I might. I also might have to up the counseling to once a week for a while LOL

Done_With_It

Wow, I've read all of your posts several times, and what I have seen in all of them is someone who knows herself and is much stronger than I think she realizes, your a survivor, and once you get through this stuff and go through all of this pain you are going to come out on top and be so strong for all of this.

I can't even imagine how hard this time must be for you, I hope you keep talking and sharing here, your in a great group. You will get through this and you'll be okay...........

ajarlson

I think it's something we all share in this group. We have to look out for ourselves, and sometimes others, because no one is going to do it for us. I creates a strong person, but one who doesn't know how strong they are I guess. Counseling is really helping getting through this and out the other side and I am starting to navigate the emotions a little better. My counselor is helping me realize that I am a valuable person, that I deserve good things, and shouldn't feel guilty about accepting the good that comes to me. The first thought that comes into my head when I hear that is "how selfish" but I know that is the ACoA tape in my head that I am trying to write over. Every time I hear it now, I consciously tell myself that it is not selfish to be happy. Thanks so much to everyone in this group.

CodeJob

Hope you are doing ok just being you, Ajarlson!