worrygirl

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm an ACOA. My father is almost 89 and is, I believe, an alcoholic. He has been drinking my whole life (I'm 51). My mom passed away in 2014 and my dad drinks daily but only out in a bar. Then he drives home, which is what is worrying me. Most times he never makes it out of the bar. He falls there and then he gets picked up by the paramedics and taken to the hospital where I have to pick him up. This is a big issue for me as I still have kids at home that can't be alone. I have 3 12 year olds, one with autism. So for me to sit in the ER for 4 hours, then drive him home and figure out how to get his car back at the bar is not really convenient. I live 1/2 hour from my dad, but go there everyday and take him for lunch, help around the house etc. I thought by going there everyday and having lunch with him, that somehow he wouldn't have to go sit at a bar but as soon as I leave he is out the door. I now realize that my actions are codependency. This last trip to the hospital I took his car keys but gave them back after a week because I cannot be there all the time and he does not eat anything out of the fridge or cook - he goes out for every meal. I did tell him the next time I have to pick him up at the ER, that I will sell the house. My mom left my brother and me the house, we just haven't sold it. I don't really want to sell it out from under him but I will. (My brother is an alcoholic also and is of no help to me). My question is... how do you stop worrying? I'm constantly worried that he's going to kill someone while driving drunk. He had a DUI about 3 or 4 years ago. I'm almost hoping that he gets another one as that would make him lose his license. But it's costly. He refuses to go to assisted living. I feel I am losing my whole life while I'm worrying my time away. It's making me physically ill also. How do you not worry? How do you get through this? If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading and listening!

Kialua

After several more trips to the ER where you don't go to his rescue the medical community may get involved and things might happen. Something you must deal with and be prepared for is the eventuality that he will die one of these times, he is old and this won't go on forever. And when he does die it will not be your fault for not going that one time. This is a hard truth but one that is still true. He has chosen this life style and:
You did not create this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Look up "emotional detachment". This is what we do when we can no longer emotionally handle the chaos. It doesn't mean we hate them but that we need to let go for our own health. Another example is to take care of yourself first, put on your own oxygen mask as the plane is falling and only then can you put on someone else's mask.

AdelineRose

I'm sorry for what brought you here, but happy that you found SoberRecovery- this is a great place to vent, get information, talk to others who have been there or are still there, and just an overall great place to interact with others.

In my experience, you can never just completely shut off worrying until you completely let go and detach. I see that above there is a link for reading about emotional detachment, reading it will really be a lot of help. Detachment isn't easy or a cure-all..but if you follow through you will be able to get your life back.

Not going to pick him up from the hospital would be one step, forcing him to have to figure out how to get his car back from the bar instead of you taking care of it for it for him would be another. It is hard not to go running when our loved ones need us, but our help isn't doing anything but enabling them to continue with their unhealthy and self destructive behavior.

YOUR needs matter. Your children matter. He has made the decision to live his life this way and not seek help for his addiction, you have every right to make the decision to not enable him or participate in the chaos, drama, problems, etc. that comes with his drinking. When you consistently make the decision to not engage and put your needs and the needs of your children first you will start to be able to get into the normal swing of things and the worry will slowly lessen.

worrygirl

Thank you for your replies. I know I have to do something, probably emotional detachment. Is there a way to detach but still have contact?? My dad is actually a good guy - never abusive, just drank, took care of me my whole life. So I feel like I just cannot have no contact at all. But not sure if it's possible to detach but still have a relationship. Last night I could not get ahold of him on the phone ( I call every night which is probably another problem). So I worried to the point of having an anxiety attack. Worried that the phone would ring and do I go get him or no? So much worry. Anyway, phone didn't ring so i called this morning and he answered. This is another problem, he doesn't like to answer the phone. Aside from my call in the morning and at night he refuses to answer the phone because of telemarketers. In his defense, when I'm at the house, the phone does ring a few times and it's always someone trying to sell something.
Thank you both again - I'm still reading up on detachment. Just wish I didn't have to even go through this. I'm afraid it'll be an event that changes things, just hope it's not a devastating one.

least

If it were me, I would report his drunk driving to the local police and alert them to where he drinks so they can be ready to pull him over when he drives off.

My mom had dementia (not a drinker) and wasn't safe to drive so I called the DMV and they interviewed her and told her to get her doctor to sign a paper for them as to whether or not she could drive. (the doctor recommended she not drive) Before she lost her license, I had to disconnect the car's battery so she couldn't drive anywhere. Can you do that for your dad's car? Have someone disconnect the battery or do something so it won't start.

I would not want him driving after he's been drinking, no good will come of that.

advbike

Yes, you are codependent and your behavior is enabling him to continue his drinking and driving. Have you talked to him about his driving, and suggested a cab? I would be very worried that he will kill or injure someone.

You absolutely need to get him off the road. I suggest contacting the police or having a breathalyzer interlock installed on his car. If he's drunk it won't start.

cairn

I might have a heart to heart with the bartender and find out how all the other good ole boys are getting home. Maybe them fellers families could discretely hook him into their rideshares somehow without hurting his pride or him ever learning it was you talked to the bartender. If it worked out then he'd still have his car, no horrid police hassles, and relief for you! Dunno i would definitely find out what the other locals are doing.

Gone are the days when your 12 year olds would have been the dispatched drivers lol! But there is still community somewhere, isn't there?

Watering hole is a deeply important place for many, especially the oldtimers.

PS What a lovely and heartwarming person you must be, and what a treat to read this tonight! Cheers!

Ariesagain

Ask at the ER next time to talk with a caseworker in social services about other living arrangements for him. Assisted living where he could have some social interaction without the alcohol might help things...or just mean he would be closer to the bar.

At this point, detaching completely the way you would with a fully competent adult to have them realize the consequences of their drinking may not be possible. He is going to lose his license one way or the other soon, hopefully without harming others or himself first.

I'm dealing with my elderly parents right now and it's a difficult time, with or without booze. Sending you a hug.

tromboneliness

There are even assisted living places where you can drink -- we took my Dad to tour one such place. He just found other excuses why he hated the idea.



This situation is very similar to what happened with my Dad (as you guys probably remember -- he died in 2010 and I'm still dealing with the wreckage, with the help of a great ACA sponsor). It's hard. And the "obvious" answer is ya, don't clean up after him, don't pick him up at the hospital, and make him figure out how to retrieve his car, etc. But that's hard to do, in practice -- and I have to admit that when my Dad's situation got to where he was almost, at 90, going to be left rattling around by himself in the big old house I grew up in, in an isolated suburb miles from anything, I don't know what I would have done. (I had a cousin who was basically trading chauffeur duty for room and board -- but my cousin had gotten tired of my Dad's raging control-freak personality and had made plans to move out -- as it happened, before he moved out, my Dad had a fall, which led to a hospitalization followed by round-the-clock nursing care at home for about 6 months, and then he died. If that hadn't happened and he had actually been left at home by himself -- and with no driver's license -- I still shudder at the thought of what I might have... ended up doing?)

Good luck!

T

D122y

Welcome,

I am on board w taking charge of the situation. Take them keys. He is too old to be driving anyway really.

That is what grown children are supposed to do. They raise us, then we help them when they get old and crazy.

My Dad took care of his alcoholic mother in law until she died. She moved in w them, they sold her car, and took care of her. They gave her drinks after 5 pm.

It turned out funny in the end. She went senial, and forgot she drank and smoked. She died clean as a whistle.

But...it was time consuming for him. No kids in the picture.

Anyway....

I know you love him, most of us have Dads we love. But....

When you are the one cleaning up the mess, e.g. picking him up at the ER, you are in charge.

Tough love is my vote. He is acting like a criminal when he drinks and drives.

He is a drug addict. He is your dad, not a dependent.....He should be ashamed of himself and act like a man. Tell him that.

If he crys..fine. if he throws a fit...fine. He needs a wake up call.

He is messing up your life.

Let him sit alone in the ER or whatever for a while.

If you let him drink and drive, how are you going to feel if he kills someone? What if he runs over someones kid. Someone's everything....

That is my vote. Take the bull by the horns.

Thanks.

tromboneliness

Easy to say, tough to do -- especially after a lifetime of being on the receiving end of rage, control, ridicule, and manipulation. Even when my Dad was 90 and couldn't be trusted to walk across the room without falling, he imposed his iron will on the rest of us. Maybe you had to be there -- and be his kid -- to understand, but "taking charge of the situation" was Simply. Not. Happening. No Way. No How.

T