MrPoppet

I have had a habit in recent times on commenting to people who I felt have acted without regard for common courtesy. Times such as people walking in front of your car while you're driving and not even acknowledging that you're there and that you didn't do them a favour by not running them over. Or just blindly cutting you off or almost bumping into you in the supermarket. I feel like if I don't make way for some people that they will just bump into me and then find a way to blame me with their reactions.



Sometimes when this happens I will say something like "You're welcome" when I give way to a person. It happened again this evening and I am analysing whether this behaviour should be worked on a minor issue. I don't feel upset or angered by these moments. I just feel there should be common courtesy and that everyone is entitled to it in society.



Has anyone else had moments like this in their everyday lives?

CodeJob

Hello Mr. poppet,

Being in the US, I don't respond much any longer to these sorts of incidents.

Instead of flipping drivers off, I typically blow them a kiss or wave. This actually is amusing as times they seem enraged even worse with the blown kiss. It could be ironic that I get shot for acknowledging a road altercation without flipping out. Even being nice and letting a car in could theoretically cause a raging driver behind me to go nuts.

And that's the thing. Here in the US, I've started to assume wackos have guns. My own family has bought into the fear and all are packing with conceal and carry. My family is a dysfunctional and therefore wacko.

Last year I ran Into my neighbors buying backpacks on clearance. They informed me if we were invaded, they planned to hike about 20 miles and meet up 'in the country.' Now there is no way the wife is in shape to walk that far - especially with a loaded backpack! They wanted to know my plan and I just shrugged. 'I Hope it happens on a weekend as I'm sure 'they' will blow the bridges. I have no idea how me and my H would get back across the river.' And these people don't drink!

Imagine people with this mind set who drink too - dangerous and unpredictable.

As for the grocery store, I am afraid I am a slow and ponderous shopper. I go into a daze and hate going there. Too many decisions. But I try to be alert enough to let people with just a few items go before me in check out. I try to keep my dithering and label reading to the far side of an aisle. I also have learned I do better in smaller stores. Less choices on the shelves!

But not everyone has guns in Australia, so maybe social kindness is not putting your life in danger?

AnvilheadII

control the things we can.....

i try, tho not always super successful, to remember that the other person might be having a really bad day, like cat got ran over bad, and maybe their head is more on their problem then here in the real world.

and i try to remember that some people are just jerks. and probably armed as CodeJob said. so i try to avoid taking a bullet, i make sure there is a safe distance between me and the other cars, i obey all (ok, MOST) traffic rules, i keep an eye out for motorcycles and pedestrians (bicyclists not so much because they are @ssholes where i live and think they own the road and its damn Tour de France every day).

i DID almost STAND on my horn this morning when the taxi in front of me came to a stop in a 45mph lane and put on his blinker to merge into the bumper to bumper lane.

so i don't walk thru life all Gandhi like....i just try to show the respect i'd like to see.

biminiblue

hm. I figure I'm going to be the annoying one to someone - even if I don't realize it. It's part of living in close proximity to other people.

I am far happier if I don't try to keep score in life and let go of insignificant perceived "slights."

MrPoppet

Thanks for the input everyone. What I have found especially tough over the years is seeing people around me show what looks like natural frustration and reactions to things happening. Yet I tend not to give myself permission to do the same. After experiencing so much unhealthy anger from alcoholic family members I have had to find my own meaning of what is acceptable to feel and what isn't good for me.

What I do know for sure though is that if I am doing positive things in my life and maintaining that standard, that it is giving me the chance to enjoy life the way I deserve to. And in turn these 'slights' and inconveniences are not a problem. My relationships also flourish.

For all of us those positive practices and routines will be different. I just hope that all of us have some creature comforts that we can fall back on to give ourselves the best chance of the happy life we deserve.

Stung

This made me laugh! Thanks!

I am a perfectionist. To a disgusting degree and I've been working on being more accepting of people who aren't perfect (i.e.: everyone). Furthermore, I've noticed in the last year that I cut people off sometimes, occasionally I'm the person that is in someone else's way. For me, it's about being graceful and trying to treat others with the grace that I have received from strangers. Sure, I don't willy nilly jay walk across the street but I'm sure I do stuff that annoys/inconveniences others and they don't flip me off (most of the time) or tell me that I should be grateful for not being run over (yet).

walkersky

I agree with Stung, I used to be a very violent/angry person, taking serious offense to even the slightest thing. Today you wouldn't be able to make me angry unless you put hands on me or mine, I don't know what changed, or why, but things like getting cut off in traffic, or someone going too slow, i just don't care. I know I have definitely made my share of mistakes on the road and people didn't honk or scream at me, although some people are just ignorant, crossing traffic on green lights etc but meh, people that do **** like that obviously have some underlying stuff going on.

Debbie329

Oh oh oh.....I saw a lady jump out of her car and cuss someone out cause they beeped at her.......I was like wowwwww. She was not a small woman and looked like she could do some damage.

NWGRITS

I'm known for nitpicking for the smallest stuff, and I'm not proud of it. That's my AM coming through and something I'm working on. Mr Grits, however, is seemingly incapable of driving without becoming irrationally angry at everyone and everything around him. We just wrapped up a two week trip for both business and pleasure, followed by me having surgery on Wednesday, and I wanted nothing to do with him by the time we got back. I was the one getting yelled at for not being all-knowing or fast enough because I had the GPS in my hands. It was awful, and I put up my boundaries and stuck it out until they put me under for my hysterectomy. The people who have these types of rage honestly don't seem to find anything wrong with their behavior. I did make the mistake of mentioning that he drives the same way these people do, so he shouldn't be getting angry at them. That opened a whole can of worms in the middle of Montana. He needs help with the road rage, but I can't force it on him. Just like I need help to stop pecking away like a chicken for the littlest things, but no one can make me. It can be hard to know when to draw the line between constructive criticism and outright belittling someone.

I apologize if I don't make much sense. I'm only 3 full days post-op and staying pretty medicated most of the time.

jacrazz

Yes!! I have to remember how I can be and that gives me patience with the other kooks I share the earth with! Lol...

carolineno

I have a variant of this - being stubborn about minor incidents. I have been working on boundaries recently, so sometimes I have felt like I am over-enforcing with family and friends. Although in the end, am I not over-enforcing, but more that they are just freaking out about not being in control? Just maintaining my autonomy and doing things "my way." Literally the dumbest things though - I was checking to see how hot oil in a pan was, and my AH literally began shouting at me to not drop the chicken in. WTH?! I didn't back down, and dipped my little chicken corner in, just to see. I felt very childish, but yet it was important. Maybe this is part of boundary work when you are an ACOA.

EveningRose

I'm with this. Sometimes people have their minds on a dozen other things, maybe a sick child or impending divorce and don't realize they just walked in front of someone.

paulokes

Ha, yes!

And even catching people out for telling lies/being dishonest (even with themselves!) I used to have a name for it in my head - the 'Honesty Police'...always made me cringe because it was said in someone else's voice as in "Who do you think you are, the Honesty Police?"

I guess right or wrong it doesn't tend to make me happy. They react wrongly or that little voice comes back...or it stays with me and ruins my day!

I'm trying really really hard to focus on healthy boundaries instead...like "hey, could you not do that?" WHEN it affects me, with a smile on my face

Live and Let Live

P

LiveInPeace

I hope it's okay for me to post here--I'm both an ACOA and an Alcoholic. Can someone let me know if this is okay or not? If not I'll ask the admin to remove my post.

What I've learned in my program is to let this stuff go. Let people live the way they're going to live, and just focus on myself. This kind of stuff used to bug me, too, and get me all up in resentment and anger and I'd complain about it.

Lately, I am trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they have poor social skills, maybe they're thinking about a zillion different things and so they're not present, maybe they are on the Autistic spectrum and can't help it, maybe they're just having a bad day and are stuck in their heads. Maybe they're just self-absorbed. If I want to live a life of peace, I know I have to work at letting this stuff go. It's not easy, but it is essential.

I've done that, too, like if I hold the door for someone and they don't say thank you. I'm trying to just let it go and smile, and know that I did the right thing holding the door. What they do or say is not my business. I was taught in my program that I have to stop taking everyone else's inventory and just focus on my own.

Also I was told early on in program to "Stop shoulding on yourself."

Hope that helps. Let me know if I shouldn't be sharing on this board. I just saw it in the "new posts". I'm assuming there's only on ACOA board and not an A-ACOA?

DesertEyes

No worries, as an ACoA you are welcome to post here.

Mike
Moderator, SR

LiveInPeace

Thanks for letting me know, Mike! :-)

CelticZebra

It bothers me that others whinge on about these minor incidents that happen to us all in this overcrowded world.
I think I spend too much time with those that moan and harp on about others faults and not enough time with those that have learnt to live and let live.
I'm also an ACOA, Former addict/alcoholic and trying to continue my healing without these incidents affecting me too much.
It's a very British thing to automatically say sorry regardless of who was at fault when out in public but the road rage thing gets me in the sense of... Why?? Is there not enough anxiety floating about without getting more angry about others' perceived faults... Got ta learn to let it go.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

paulokes

Feeling ashamed and Shaming others seem like linked concepts to me...I am recovering and hope to continue recovering from both

I was reminded at my ACoA meeting tonight of the three rules we learn in dysfunctional families:
Family Rules: Don?t Talk, Don?t Feel, Don?t Trust
- Don't Talk
- Don't Trust
- Don't Feel

I was also reminded these rules don't apply in a meeting of ACoA

P