Winteriscoming

Firstly hi to everyone this is my first time post and I found this site out of desperation. I really could do with some help, advice and words of wisdom, thank you in advance for any views posted.
Apologies this may be long!
Since I was a child( I'm now 37)my Mum has had a problem with drink, when I was younger it was fairly under control . My Mum worked full time so she drank as soon as she was home from work and weekends. Most Sundays she slowly got drunk while cooking the Sunday lunch and would end up in bed. As a child I found hid empty bottle and bottles topped up with water to look more full.
This all spiralled out of control 9 years ago when she turned 60, retired and my Dad left after 42yrs or marriage! My Mum no longer had anything to fill her days and was completely heart broken. My older brother and I tried everything we could to be there for her and support her through this awful time but of course we couldn't stop the pain!
Fast forward to today my brother now lives abroad, I'm the only close family near my Mum. Things are horrendous , we have done six home detoxes , two hospital based detoxes. She has broken her knee cap in half , cut her head open , crashed her car while drunk and recently broke her wrist. She spends her days drunk laying in bed , often soiling herself and vomiting, she no longer washes or goes out of the house. We have tried everything Doctors, AA, counselling, social services and the longest she has been sober in the last 9 yrs is three months.
This has destroyed me and my brother, we have watched an intelligent , caring, kind ,hard working women turn into a lying, spiteful shell that is slowly killing herself my brother and I are close to breaking ourselves. I have two young children that love and miss their Nanny but I can't take the round to her house because it's awful and she is always drunk.
I'm not sure anyone can help but I just don't know who to turn to I'm in desperation, please help.
Thank you for taking the time to read xx

DoubleDragons

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand it. My mom is in her 60s and in the last 5 years or so, her alcoholism has spiraled out of control, as well. My father caretakes her, but in a sick, enabling way and I am sure if he were to leave, my mother would spiral, as yours has spiraled. Unfortunately, as you know, you can't control it, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. It really is about coming to peace with accepting the situation as it is and deciding what boundaries work for you. It isn't easy, but unfortunately, it is the only choice that we have as ACONs. I currently am on very limited contact with my parents and I feel more peace than I have in a long time. Hugs!! You are smart to reach out for support!

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us.

I am sorry to hear about your mum. It is truly sad. The thing is, she is allowed to drink herself to death if she wants. Sounds horrible. But, it is true. You can't make an alcoholic get better, you can't love her more, care for her more or do anything to change the path she is on. Only she can.

I am a recovered alcoholic myself. I know what I am talking about. Please read some of the stories here so you better understand what's going on. Finding an Al-Anon or ACA group would be a big help for you as well.

Winteriscoming

Thank you Happybeingme and DoubleDragons. The last major breakdown and this time I've stepped right back and won't engage with her at all, she cries that she can't see my children but I explain to her I'm looking after my children first and protecting them, they will not see my Mum like this , I will not allow it.
But I guess I'm just asking, am I being evil or a bad daughter leaving her to her own devices ? I'm feeling very guilty at the moment

FeelingGreat

Hi Winter, you're probably doing the only thing that might be painful enough to make her seek treatment, or want to recover. That's terribly sad, but if you go on cleaning up after her she may never change.

Winteriscoming

Hi Feelingreat I think I am just looking for that reassurance that me staying away is the right thing. Thank you for your post.

Can I just say how amazing it is talking to people all over the world but all touched by this common problem🌏

happybeingme

Yep it's pretty great here.

To answer your question bluntly NO you are not a bad person. Nor a rotten daughter or any other negative word. You are protecting and caring for yourself and your children as you ought to. It is never the job of a child to look after their parent

Winteriscoming

Thanks Happybeingme your words meant a lot, I can't believe the roller coaster of emotions that being a family member ,friend or alcoholic this journey puts you on.
It really is great to get a perspective and view of the problem from a recovered alcoholic as well. Having my granddad die from this and now my mother going the same way it has made me extremely wary of alcohol, and to be honest worried that genetically I may be more likely to suffer from this too. It has made me steer completely away from alcohol just in case I can't keep it under control.
Also well done you for doing an amazing job and continuing to stay healthy and looking after yourself. It must have been and maybe still is sometimes an extremely difficult job. Well Done 👏

jaynie04

I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and I have been sober for two years next month. I say this as someone who has been on both sides of this equation…if I had continued to drink I would pray that my husband would remove my daughter from my influence. It is not fair for a child to have to process that chaos and drama.

And it is not fair for an adult child to have to process that chaos or drama either. Your mother's life is not more valuable than your own. And since you know now that this is generational (I am 3rd generation), making choices that keep you and your daughter feeling safe really need to be the priority.

I have read a lot about epigenetics. It is a blossoming science that has discovered that we can alter our genetic makeup during our lifetime, this can be a positive or a negative. My daughter was very young when I sought treatment. I saw where I was heading and I did not want her to deal with the insanity I grew up with. I hope that providing her with consistency, a feeling of safety and the fact that I take care of her and not the other way around, I can help her break the cycle.

There is a saying "let go or be dragged". It is actually more respectful to let your mother make her own decisions and live with the consequences. It is not fair to let her make the decisions while you try to mitigate the consequences. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) run strong among ACOA's. My mother has been sober for over 3 decades yet she is still manipulative and spiteful. As a young girl I was just so grateful when she got sober that I gladly absorbed her toxicity. I have had to make a hard decision to cut the cord…none of us do that without a lot of difficult soul searching.

It helped me to understand that I didn't cause it, nor could I cure it or control it. As a loving mother I would pray that my daughter would cut the cord with me if I was hurting her. I don't believe my daughter was put on earth to clean up my messes, and I would never want her to make decisions based on guilt.

It helped me to look at how I treated my own child and then filter that to how I was being treated. Finding support made me feel less "selfish" and helped me understand that refusing to be dragged down wasn't selfish at all. I have finally learned to take care of myself the way I should have been when I was vulnerable.

I kept going back to a well that was dry for many years. I was very enmeshed and it took a lot of therapy to find my own footing. It is not an easy process but you are worth it!

honeypig

Hi, Winter--I replied to your post over in F&F of Alcoholics. I'm glad to see you here in the Adult Children section also--good for you for looking in as many places as you can for help!

I hope you keep coming back to read and post. Sending strength and clarity to you.

berryfines

Hi Winter,

Unfortunately I understand too well what you are going through and what your mother is going through. My own alcoholic mother just passed away last week at the age of 64 due to alcoholic liver disease.
I am sorry you are going through this. I tried for so many years to get my mom the help she needed. It's so hard and difficult to understand and accept their alcoholism. I pray that your mom can become sober and have it stick.
My grandson is heart broken over his grammy's death so I understand too the pain of having your kids miss and love their Nanny.
Good luck to you. Keep coming back here. Such a great support system. In the years leading up to my mom's death, this place really helped me sort through a myriad of feelings.

ajarlson

Hello, welcome. Sorry you're going through this, you will find many of us in the same situation here. I (as always) recommend therapy to get over the guilt society places on us as children for not taking care of parents. You have nothing to feel guilty for, she has chosen this path and she would have to choose to get off of it. There is a lot of strength, understanding, and wisdom here, take some time to read the previous posts. This is a great and supportive community. <hugs>

makomago

I’m not ‘all over the world’, in fact I’m just a county or two North of you :-) but I’m still ‘touched by this common problem’ and there are a good number of us in our immediate vicinity who are.

About 4 or 5 years ago my Mothers condition due to drinking escalated. After a few years of frequent trips to the hospital with what she informed us were undiagnosed stomach problems, along with undiagnosed mental problems it transpired that it was in fact pancreatitis (caused by drinking) that was her stomach problem & on her last trip to the hospital with pancreatitis, after her withdrawal period and after the medical team had stablised her medical condiction, she was sectioned. Subseqently diagnosed with Korsakoff syndrome and dementia caused by alcoholism.

In the words of the ‘shrink’ … “It’s clear. It’s korsakoffs.” I thought… Case closed!!!

Of course such ailments tend not to occur through the odd glass of shandy at Christmas. My mothers drinking was heavy and prolonged and often in secret. There were periods of abstinence but the causes and conditions underlying the alcoholism were always present, or ‘blipping’ just beneath the surface.

Her behaviour was always curious (to say the least) even when it had the appearance of kind and caring.

“As a child I found hid empty bottle and bottles topped up with water to look more full.”

Yes… me too! Its one of the reasons I know my mothers drinking was prolonged and heavy. People who drink with sense don't do that.

Being an alcoholic and having recovered from the desire to drink myself, I know that such behaviour is not ‘control’. In fact, anything that has to be controlled is by default out of control.

Anyway, as there are a lot of AcoAs from all over the globe, I’m glad you’ve found somewhere i.e. here for some support. Others exist e.g. ACA, Al-Anon, therapy and you’re blessed, being where you are, as there are a number of both in your locale.

There is a lot of experience, strength and hope on this forum too including some of the older threads and I’ve found much benefit them as well as the current ones (needless to say).

Take it easy…

Winteriscoming

Firstly I'm touched by all the replies and support I've found on here. Jaynie thank you for posting your personal experiences on both sides of the fence. I too agree that becoming a mother opens your eyes and helps you to reassess behaviours and whether or not they are acceptable , helpful and positive.
Berryfines I'm so so sorry for your loss and believe this is the path my Mum is heading down. Thank you for taking the time during this tough period to post a reply. Big hugs xx
Makomago again I'm touched that you've taken the time to reply and it really does help to realise that there are many more out there in the same situation as you. And that we a not alone.
So on to today this morning I received a message to say that my Mum had been rushed to hospital vomiting blood and couldn't stop. She is currently having various tests to find out what's going wrong. I feel both numb but also guilty because I hate her for putting us through all this again. So she will be patched up and let out until next time

tromboneliness

This is an indication of end-stage cirrhosis -- the liver is so backed up that it can't keep up with what it has to process, and blood can't get through fast enough, so it flows through the path of least resistance, which means bursting through blood vessels in the esophagus and/or stomach. Kind of gross to think about, but that's what happens -- I know this first-hand. The frustrating thing is that there is really nothing much you can do to make someone stop drinking, if they don't want to. However, if they stop, the liver has a phenomenal ability to heal and recover -- that's why, almost 19 years after finally getting sober (via 5 months of inpatient treatment), my wife is still doing great! Good luck....

T