berryfines

Hi,

I have posted here before under Jen928 but for some reason can't access that profile anymore, so I created a new one.

I am getting married in June of this year and my AM has relapsed again and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I did go to the library and picked up a copy of the only book they had on ACOA's called, After the Tears.

I am in need of some support and help getting to my actual wedding. My panic and anxiety (which a majority of us deal with) has come back but along with it, a deep dark sadness. I am having a really hard time dealing with my mother not being sober and there for me during this time.

Unfortunately (at least I see it as unfortunate) my mom was a high functioning alcoholic for so many years, few people realize just how bad off she was, just how bad off my childhood and early adulthood was because of her alcoholism. In the past 9 years she has sobered up and relapsed a handful of times, with a stint in rehab last year. I say unfortunately because my mother sobered up and showed me just how awesome she really is. She sobered up and showed my son, just how awesome his grammy can be. Now she is drinking herself to death. This is going to sound cynical but I almost wish I had never seen that sober mother because now I miss it. I wouldn't miss it, if I had never experienced it.

I have completely detached from her before and wish it was that easy this time around but unfortunately, she no longer has a companion so her friends have taken to calling me every few weeks to tell me how horrible she must be doing since no one has seen or heard from her. She has taken to locking herself in her house and drinking around the clock.

I know her time is running out. I understand and except this. I do not reach out to her unless it is to call the police after a few weeks of none of her friends being able to reach her. I send the police out on a welfare check.
At this point, I'd rather she just go ahead and do it. Drink herself to death so I can finally mourn her properly. It just doesn't make any sense to have mourn someone and their slow demise for 20 years.

I hate all of this. I hate that people constantly ask me how she is. I'm planning my wedding and how many times do I have to hear mother of the bride. every time I bite my tongue and don't scream "I have no mother of the bride. my mom sucks and is killing herself".

I am assuming that the rite of passage of marriage is just causing major internal turmoil with me because of the way I was raised and what is currently my mother's state.

I suppose this rambling message is really just a way for me to scream out I F*CKING HATE ALCOHOLISM.
I hate it.
I hate how it has affected my ability to mother my son.
I hate how it has created a 35 year old, who still cries full of sadness for her mother's lost life.
I hate how I live my life completely and totally panic ridden and anxious.
I hate how I am scared to trust anyone, even my partner of 10 years.
I hate how sometimes, I react to my son, as my mom or her boyfriends reacted to me as a child.
I hate it all and I am so full of rage and anger right now I literally just want to run away from everything and scream.

I have a wedding in June and I need to get my sh*t together. Help teach me how to detach from her and accept the fact that she will not be there for me, she never has (unless she's sober).

Has anyone read the book I mentioned? After the Tears by Middleton-Moz & Lorie Dwinell

Jenny

ajarlson

Wow, Jenny. My heart broke reading this, for you and myself as well. I, too, have seen my AM in situations that make my heart break for that beautiful, intelligent woman that is lost to addiction. I also have gotten the phone calls, and honestly for me, I had to block her and the friends who called. I had to completely remove myself from that situation and realize that her bad choices have resulted in this consequence. I am sure her friends think I am the worst person on the planet but I do not care. I have friends and family that love me and support me. As time goes on with no contact I get less and less anxious. I know it isn't the answer for everyone, and I'm not a professional so I can't really give advice but no contact might be the answer, and that means no contact from the friends, not calling the police, truly detaching. I am so sorry you have to go through this. My daughter is getting married in May and my AM does not even know about it. I will be getting married at some point in the next year or two and she will not be invited. I am not looking forward to the "mother of the bride" questions but will field them and then put it out of my mind and enjoy my friends and family. I hope you have a support system, it was important for me to know that whatever decision I made was supported by my fiance, kids and friends - if there's a bright point you know for certain who really loves you... hang in there. Wish I had more to offer.

ajarlson

Oh - also - therapy therapy therapy. Find a good therapist, go therapist shopping if you have to. I cannot say enough good things about finding a competent therapist to help you through this difficult time.

seasaw

Dear Berry,

I was just reading that book last night! I read most of it a few months ago, and picked it up again yesterday. Has it been helping you?

I could have written a lot of your post myself. I can remember my AM being such a 'great mom' so many times, only to have those times followed by a collapse of some sort. Deflated hopes. Deflated dreams. It's not that I envy people who had a terrible time growing up - no hint of a solid caregiver - but there is a particular cruelty of never knowing who you're going to get - the wonderful mom or the cruel capricious one - and how long either will stay. Also, my (wonderful) dad died when I was 15 (32 now) so I've watched people enjoying relationships with their fathers for a long time... having now gone No Contact (NC) with my AM, there is a difference between 'well obviously I can't call my dad on father's day' and 'no i won't be calling my mom on mother's day even though she's still alive, and no it's none of your business'

And many of us feel that we won't be able to properly mourn until they die - you are not alone in this! It's almost like one of their final selfish acts, to make us jump through these emotional hoops even after we've done as much detachment work as we can - to know they're still out there, haunting the world with their suffering. My mom 'got it together' once too, lost weight, was smiling all the time, taking long walks and picking up her old favorite activities, showed actual zest for life, was so NICE to me... lasted a couple years.

If I was guessing, I would say this anger you're feeling is part of the necessary grief you must feel in order to get through the trauma, acknowledge how much she has hurt you, and move through it. A therapist would be good for giving you exercises that would help you during this time, and maybe advice about keeping mom stress out of your wedding day.

Your wedding is a special time that is about you, your SO, and your family!! You deserve to be happy and to have a beautiful wedding. Who are the people in your support network who are familiar with the situation with your mom and can be involved in the wedding maybe, so that the wedding can be a happy, peaceful event free from that stress? Would it make sense to send out an announcement to some people, asking them not to ask about or tell you about your mom?

AnybodyNobody

I'm at a loss for helpful words right now but wanted to second what others have said - what you are feeling is so relatable to me and I think it is healthy to be feeling that anger as part of your grieving. It sounds to me like you are actually doing really well at detaching and setting boundaries for yourself in relation to her.

I'm about to have my first child and my AM is on a downward spiral herself. I am doing a lot of work on detaching but it's still awkward and painful fielding questions about how she's doing or responding to the exclamations of "your mom must be so excited about your pregnancy and having a new grandson!" I have had many of the same thoughts, of how infuriating it is to watch someone slowly killing themselves, at such a special time in your life when you wish they could be a joyful participant. And how painful it is to feel the void where their (emotional) presence is missing. Grieving for their potential.

I've found it helpful to read whatever I can get my hands on, including downloading a couple books from Amazon Kindle, a lot of re-reading the stickies and following the threads here and in the Friends & Family forum, and just feeling the support of the community of people here on SR.

makomago

.. Tough times! What a lot on your plate and burden to shoulder! I identify, not with the marriage bit, I'm not married. I avoided it for many reason not least because I couldn't have my Mum and Dad in the same city let alone room through their bitterness, hatred and rage not to mention the alcoholism!!

... Oh, and at the time when I thought of marriage I was too sick myself to realise that I didn't have to invite them both. I couldn't not was my flawed thinking. It may have been a blessing in disguise in my case, but that's a whole different story :-)

I've detached from my AM by accepting that she is simply not capable, nor has she ever been so of providing the nurturing, loving care that I needed. She simply has no idea what love really is, nor did she have the inclination to find out.

Basically, I simply have no expectations of her, I don't expect to receive parenting from her, I know I can't change the past - I can't fix it or put it right by going back in time.

I've come to the realisation that she is not capable and that by having no expectations, by having no 'needs' from her anymore, I'm able to accept her as she is.

My belief is she never received the love and care she needed as a child and because she wasn't shown love, she is unable to give it. She found a way to cope with her own pain with prescription drugs and alcohol. Because she knew no other way, she was incapable of showing me another way. Because she didn't know how to be a parent, she couldn't be one. She didn't know love and couldn't give it. She was and has always been an adult child in denial and without hope of recovery.

I'm sure there are lots of still suffering adult children out there who through ignorance and denial are doing what I did and simply passed on what was done to them. I can't feel any ill toward them for their sickness, nor that of the alcoholic for their sickness.

My acceptance of these brutal, cold facts does not undo the damage done to me, but it does mean I can detach and accept the past I cannot change. With recovery I expect to change a future I can and I can assure you I have started today... as I do every day!!

Someone in the ACA fellowshop said to me recently; "acceptance is key". SImple, but not easy and unfortunately my experience is that to get to acceptance there are other grief stages to go through AND acceptance for me hasn't equally 'happy'.

But in that context, I've surrendered from trying fix that which I've admitted I'm powerless over being the effects of alcoholism and other family dysfunction. And I've accepted that my Mothers health and happiness is not my responsibility. I'm powerless of other People too.

Good luck with the wedding, congratulations, I hope it goes well and I hope you can find peace from the family disease of alcoholism and can find the detachment you seek. Be well.