Extracts from ACA literature that I identify with TODAY
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
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Extracts from ACA literature that I identify with TODAY
I’m currently working through the Yellow Book (step study work book of ACA) with a fellow traveller. I doing step 4 and I’m just starting the Shame inventory.
This really caught my attention today;
‘Shame blinds us to the fact that love is inside each of us waiting to be discovered’
It caught my attention because deep down, quite often, maybe not so intense as once was, but I can and often do (as the books contines) ‘feel unloveable and alone at a deep level’.
It is precisely that feeling which continues to play a part in the malady that is my familial dysfunctional upbringing. I’d like to say it’s going, but if asked last week I’d have said gone.. only to have that old and familiar sense of self return... One step forward, two back and all that jazz!
Not only did I not feel loved, safe and secure when growing up, but by the time I’d gone and grown up (or aged at least) I find I am often completely at a loss to know what love is.
Above I say ‘not so intense’ to qualify that statement, I should say that I had a glimpse and a connection to my true self whilst doing step 3 and answering the question ‘How do I accept Gods unconditional love’…. At that point it dawned on me that I can’t NOT accept it.. it being unconditional.
So as I write, what I write and feel what I feel, I’m going to remind myself of that experience above.
This really caught my attention today;
‘Shame blinds us to the fact that love is inside each of us waiting to be discovered’
It caught my attention because deep down, quite often, maybe not so intense as once was, but I can and often do (as the books contines) ‘feel unloveable and alone at a deep level’.
It is precisely that feeling which continues to play a part in the malady that is my familial dysfunctional upbringing. I’d like to say it’s going, but if asked last week I’d have said gone.. only to have that old and familiar sense of self return... One step forward, two back and all that jazz!
Not only did I not feel loved, safe and secure when growing up, but by the time I’d gone and grown up (or aged at least) I find I am often completely at a loss to know what love is.
Above I say ‘not so intense’ to qualify that statement, I should say that I had a glimpse and a connection to my true self whilst doing step 3 and answering the question ‘How do I accept Gods unconditional love’…. At that point it dawned on me that I can’t NOT accept it.. it being unconditional.
So as I write, what I write and feel what I feel, I’m going to remind myself of that experience above.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
It's normal to see improvement as we work our program then to have a set back due to some trigger or pattern in our life.
Rather than 1 forward and 2 back, could it be 2 steps forward and 1 step back? That's what it has been for me. While the step back is never pleasant. I find moving forward again after it is easier and easier.
Rather than 1 forward and 2 back, could it be 2 steps forward and 1 step back? That's what it has been for me. While the step back is never pleasant. I find moving forward again after it is easier and easier.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 71
"It caught my attention because deep down, quite often, maybe not so intense as once was, but I can and often do (as the books contines) ‘feel unloveable and alone at a deep level’."
I seem to be having major IT issues with the site. Had a long post to you and poof, gone like a fluffy rabbit. Perhaps I can pull it out of the hat later. In the interim, the gist was that I identify with every word you wrote and I will humbly throw back some advice that I very wise footballer once said to me while I was mired in a similar predicament.
"I suppose some wisdom comes with the practice - at least I hope it does."
I seem to be having major IT issues with the site. Had a long post to you and poof, gone like a fluffy rabbit. Perhaps I can pull it out of the hat later. In the interim, the gist was that I identify with every word you wrote and I will humbly throw back some advice that I very wise footballer once said to me while I was mired in a similar predicament.
"I suppose some wisdom comes with the practice - at least I hope it does."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
I have been having a hell of a time letting myself be loved. I am remarkably good at loving others but I absolutely awful at letting myself be loved. Every day I try to be honest with myself about where I stand and ask myself if my "rejection" is my own mind or reality, some days it feels like a tossup. I have found that being around people who know how to love and be loved in open honest relationships with normal boundaries helps a lot!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Mracoa 
It's normal to see improvement as we work our program then to have a set back due to some trigger or pattern in our life.
Rather than 1 forward and 2 back, could it be 2 steps forward and 1 step back? That's what it has been for me. While the step back is never pleasant. I find moving forward again after it is easier and easier.
Rather than 1 forward and 2 back, could it be 2 steps forward and 1 step back? That's what it has been for me. While the step back is never pleasant. I find moving forward again after it is easier and easier.
.... Man alive! Who'd have thought it, there I go being hard on myself.
Thanks Mracoa.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by OGK
"It caught my attention because deep down, quite often, maybe not so intense as once was, but I can and often do (as the books contines) ‘feel unloveable and alone at a deep level’."
I seem to be having major IT issues with the site. Had a long post to you and poof, gone like a fluffy rabbit. Perhaps I can pull it out of the hat later. In the interim, the gist was that I identify with every word you wrote and I will humbly throw back some advice that I very wise footballer once said to me while I was mired in a similar predicament.
"I suppose some wisdom comes with the practice - at least I hope it does."
I seem to be having major IT issues with the site. Had a long post to you and poof, gone like a fluffy rabbit. Perhaps I can pull it out of the hat later. In the interim, the gist was that I identify with every word you wrote and I will humbly throw back some advice that I very wise footballer once said to me while I was mired in a similar predicament.
"I suppose some wisdom comes with the practice - at least I hope it does."
BTW I passed some fluffy wabbits earlier today whilst cycling with my children, I swear one of them looked at me with a look in his eyes that said 'hey I've a message for you'.... or maybe it was a look that said 'slow down you fool you nearly ran me over!!' :-)
M
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
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Originally Posted by Payne
I have been having a hell of a time letting myself be loved. I am remarkably good at loving others but I absolutely awful at letting myself be loved. Every day I try to be honest with myself about where I stand and ask myself if my "rejection" is my own mind or reality, some days it feels like a tossup. I have found that being around people who know how to love and be loved in open honest relationships with normal boundaries helps a lot!
The question you ask yourself, I ask myself too. Normally the reality is it is in my mind and that really is the problem - whilst it is in my mind it is my reality despite my knowing its probably not true. I'm afraid I still have few good examples to be around and as such I'm finding my way as best I can.
I have found some affirmations, which I've been using the last couple of days and I've seen some good suggestions such as 'gentleness breaks' and I've been doing a little of that too.... I'll keep plodding on with it and will keep my faith in the process, the program, the ACA meetings and the fellowship.
Despite what I just wrote about 'few examples' I do feel a genuine love in fellowship (LiF) with those I associate with. A real sense of trust and ... well ... fellowship I guess.
Thx
M
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Aberystwyth
Posts: 5
Thanks for sharing that, it is such a relief to know I am not alone on the aca journey...you mention our thought are our reality, I have has a split reality for some years now through working theprogram. My trouble today is I still listen to the false reality, I am slowly learning to be my own loving parent and in doing so my true self can surface and be expressed.. I am so grateful to have choices today, shame still trips me up, I recognise it today and avoid buying right into it with self abandonment and choose to take care of my needs instead...I need to avoid judging myself harshly through the lack of interest coming from others including family...I can meet my needs today with a loving higher power (((hug)))
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