Payne

Saw a new doctor for my knee just trying to get my life back. Without even getting to know me, without finding out that hydrocodone being the only thing that takes away my pain terrifies me. That for the past 4 years I have been on it, I don't make plans, draw the curtains and put myself through the pain I feel without their help, for 4 days a month, just to assure that I am still the person choosing to take them, to assure that I don't take them cause my body is telling me to.
Without knowing that my friends had to sit me down and beg me crying to try them to relieve my pain. Without knowing how many times I sat on the stairs for hours staring at this little pill knowing it could just as easily remove my pain as turn me into the monster I fought my whole life to never be.
He looks at me three days ago and tells me he thinks I'm an addict. Not out of fact, but because he doesn't like them. He doesn't know this wasn't a lightly made choice. He doesn't know how many alternative doctors I sought out, how many ridiculous non helpful natural pain management things I tried. But he also doesn't know that I can be comforted by and simultaneously panicked by the smell of marlboro's and stale beer. He doesn't know that I spent my early twenties researching every addictive substance until I couldn't sleep, but I never wanted to be caught unaware and an addict.
He doesn't know that I was once addicted to cutting, I quit it cold turkey through days and nights of withdrawals. He doesn't know the same friends who held my hair back as I cried and threw up during those withdrawals are the ones who cried and asked me to help myself. He doesn't know that I only allow my friend to give me 10 of my pills at a time. He doesn't know the terror of being an ACOA who needs to take a narcotic.

I'm 72 hours out of taking them, I'm in blinding pain but I know I won't take them again for the next month, because he said he thinks I'm addicted, and with that one little word "addicted" I became too paralyzed to argue. The withdrawal symptoms of vicodin are non existant. The urge to take it for any other reason than to not be in pain is non existent. But the fear, the crippling fear at hearing those words. If I have been addicted to anything besides cutting in my life it has been to not being addicted.

It's amazing how one simple thing can send me into such a spiral.

irisgardens

Payne...I totally got what you said...I have had clinical depression for almost 20 years and work so hard to be and do positive. My doctors have said it is probably biological...my mother says I didn't get it from her or her side of the family (that was before I finally had to go no-contact as 3 of my 5 children have serially started drugs and now (thank you God) two are leading their own functional lives...the third in addiction)--and I have the same doctor I have had for 19 years...stayed on the same 'non-addictive' prescription...feel guilty for the depression...and it is really hard...because my mother and some in my family have turned their own issues on me...and I have caved in since 19 years ago when I first started...fighting the good fight though. In a very hard spot...and finally asked the doctor for more help as I knew I was spiraling down...and I finally couldn't ignore my symptoms (everyone else does...). I first learned I was an ACOA when my own kids starting using...I have done a lot of work...in trying to help them without going down myself...I have finally realized that I really need to help me...because I have awakened to all the real addicts in my life...but I started out just knowing the symptoms and knowing it fit me...I have read your posts...and you are truly a very wonderful person...I thought I had licked the ACOA thing but when this 3rd child started using and the two who used before were all bonded with their two brothers...between denial and calling me the crazy one...I realized that I can be triggered again and again and again...if I allow myself to go down (which is almost subconscious for me). Hang on today...you are dealing with things...you post here...and also, you are not alone...

Payne

I have a beautiful support group which has truly been on of my greatest blessings, but I had to post here because I know that my fear is unfounded, rationally I feel confident saying I am not addicted. The shame is if someone pokes the relatively irrational ACOA in my head, rational goes out the window. As much as I know this I'm an idiot and I will force myself to suffer for the next month just to prove that's untrue to myself and the doctor... Why yes I'm saying this and shaking my head at myself too!

happybeingme

Payne,

I am so sorry to hear your new doctor is an idiot. You should never have to live with chronic pain.

Payne

Happybeingme, I just received an e-mail from my original surgeon who referred me to this surgeon. After the awful visit I e-mailed their office. They requested my MRI be sent to their office immediately. My doctor who does know more about me called to let me know that I currently have Hoffa's syndrome which is an enlarged fat pad on my knee that can pinch and in general hurt. Cortisone shots which did help are considered on of the most successful routes along with rest. She did highlight and scan in an article that explained "As the fat pad is one of the most sensitive structures in the knee this condition is known to be extremely painful." then wrote in a smiley face after it. She told me if I would like to take a week off to calm my "addiction fear" nerves that's fine, but she sees nothing about me in the 2 years she has worked with me for me to be concerned.

happybeingme

That is good news. I hope she lets your new doc know. I think chronic pain can really hinder any possible healing and ruins quality of life. I hope this email is a relief for you.

Be gentle with yourself and thank you for sharing and letting us here be a part of your journey

irisgardens

Payne...I get it...I force myself to suffer when people treat me as my mother did...and often I am at my worst because I can't break the compulsion. I need gentle, caring people...and I am literally afraid all the time...so I am sending you hugs and love. I am in the midst of a really bad episode and I am working my best program...but the irrational fear inside of me of 'being the failure' and 'believing that I became it' have really attacked this...I know that my mother has no compassion or empathy and is a long term alcoholic...but it was she who poisoned me with all the unhappy and negative stories about Dad and many other members of the family...and although I know that she is narcissistic...I am lost in the well of my compulsions right now as I work to face them. Hugs and love and glad that your doctor came through...I have had a few glimmers of that this past week and am working towards sanity...but the triggers have been many and overwhelming...so it is a real journey. I never even believed that you were in danger...but my heart goes out to you for you making yourself suffer as I do that too...and I wish that I could take another step towards wellness where the pain would stop...

Kialua

So sorry you still have knee pain. Are you looking at surgery? I am, but don't know when. Everyone is different but I hear there is good recovery for Hoffa's syndrome however leaving it without surgery can wear down the bones possibly making a total knee replacement necessary.

Payne

Kialua, no the "Good" doctor I talked to the other day gave me some good advice I will be trying that first. I am generally all for skipping surgery if I can. And after everything I would rather the next knee surgery I get to is a total knee replacement, I'm just sick of the pain all the darn time! But currently i'm focusing on resting while building good muscle, and today I will be talking to my brace place to see if they have inserts to increase the inability for me to hyper-extend my leg since that's suppose to be the most aggravating problem of this.
And emotionally I finally broke down to my best friend about how terrified I was and we had a long talk that ended with us agreeing no one knows me as well as I do and that I will take something if I need it as long as I feel comfortable, but fear is not an ok reason to allow myself to be in pain. That is the same mentality that had this same friend crying asking me to take them years ago.

Kialua

Payne that is what I hear from many knee injured people. I am having a TKR but it took 5 doctors to get that assessment and only from the Mayo Clinic. He said it was a no brainer. The other doctors wanted to do all sorts of different treatments including ignoring it until I was 75!! This is a knee forum I researched and found a lot of information helpful:

Knee Replacement Pre-Op Area | Knee & Hip Replacement Patient Forum
Good Luck!

Payne

Here I am, two weeks from the appointment, I'm in excruciating pain but can't quite get myself to take something for it. Rationally I know I'm being stupid, but I can't help but feel like I'm back on that step staring at that little pink pill willing myself to forget my mother to help myself. Everytime I pick one up knowing it will help I put it back down when my head so wonderfully reminds me of the abuse physical and mental and all the tears her addiction caused. Through two weeks I had absolutely no adverse effects but increasing pain, I have read the literature talked to more people than I can count and I know logically I'm being an idiot...ahhh to be a normie....

DesertEyes

Sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I have my own painful conditions and I have exactly the same fear of becoming addicted. I also struggle with taking the meds, just like you describe.

As to being a normie? I dunno, I haven't met a whole lot of normies that are normal

Mike