Living with an alcoholic father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: bradford
Posts: 6
Living with an alcoholic father.
Hello, thanks for reading my post, am looking for advice, support and help.
My father is a functioning alcoholic and has been since he was 16, he went to work, looked after me, took me and my mum out did all the normal family stuff but just always had alcohol in him. so I have grown up used to my dad always drinking, in a way its normal to me... am 22 now and my dad is 59 I am still living at home with him and my mum. everything was all fine and "normal" until 5 years ago when he got a hernia, which went wrong and left him with consistence, horrible pain in his side because of this pain he could not work. He then got a blood clot twice in his leg which caused damaged and pain to his leg. Then last year he found out he has early stages of prostate cancer and that he has a fatty liver. With all these things going on with my dads health he began to drunk more and more and would be drunk all day, because of this he started to ramble on and on about rubbish, he became depressed and down and would often wallow in self pity. All of this was hard to see and watch, no matter how much talking, shouting me and my mum would do he did not listen or seem to care. he told us we don't understand the pain and that he was only drinking more to stop the pain. This was causing my mum great stress and causing lots of arguments between my mum and dad, which i would often be caught in the middle of. I always took my dads side because i love him and am very close to him.
After finding out he had cancer and a fatty liver, he decided to quit drinking and with help and support he became sober for 3 months, then after me and my mum went out drinking we came home to find him drunk
that was in march this year and he carried on and never got back on the wagon, another hard time... then in July this year he found out his cancer has grown and that his hernia was back, so he went on a 3 week bender of been drunk and crying at every thing. After his 3 weeks of drinking him self to death, he decided to stop drinking and started weening himself of the alcohol, at this point i was very proud and happy for him, he became really happy and better in him self.
until last night when he and my mum had an argument and he just got drunk and has stayed drunk... so that's where were at now!
Its been a really hard 5 years, am just so fed up, emotional and mental i just don't know what to do. I've talked to my close friends and boyfriend but none of them understand. My mum leans on me a lot as well, I support and try to cheer her up all the time, hate seeing her sad and upset about my dad.
I love my dad soo much, I will always support him and stand by him.
I just want some one who understands to talk to.
Thanks again for reading.
My father is a functioning alcoholic and has been since he was 16, he went to work, looked after me, took me and my mum out did all the normal family stuff but just always had alcohol in him. so I have grown up used to my dad always drinking, in a way its normal to me... am 22 now and my dad is 59 I am still living at home with him and my mum. everything was all fine and "normal" until 5 years ago when he got a hernia, which went wrong and left him with consistence, horrible pain in his side because of this pain he could not work. He then got a blood clot twice in his leg which caused damaged and pain to his leg. Then last year he found out he has early stages of prostate cancer and that he has a fatty liver. With all these things going on with my dads health he began to drunk more and more and would be drunk all day, because of this he started to ramble on and on about rubbish, he became depressed and down and would often wallow in self pity. All of this was hard to see and watch, no matter how much talking, shouting me and my mum would do he did not listen or seem to care. he told us we don't understand the pain and that he was only drinking more to stop the pain. This was causing my mum great stress and causing lots of arguments between my mum and dad, which i would often be caught in the middle of. I always took my dads side because i love him and am very close to him.
After finding out he had cancer and a fatty liver, he decided to quit drinking and with help and support he became sober for 3 months, then after me and my mum went out drinking we came home to find him drunk
that was in march this year and he carried on and never got back on the wagon, another hard time... then in July this year he found out his cancer has grown and that his hernia was back, so he went on a 3 week bender of been drunk and crying at every thing. After his 3 weeks of drinking him self to death, he decided to stop drinking and started weening himself of the alcohol, at this point i was very proud and happy for him, he became really happy and better in him self. until last night when he and my mum had an argument and he just got drunk and has stayed drunk... so that's where were at now!
Its been a really hard 5 years, am just so fed up, emotional and mental i just don't know what to do. I've talked to my close friends and boyfriend but none of them understand. My mum leans on me a lot as well, I support and try to cheer her up all the time, hate seeing her sad and upset about my dad.
I love my dad soo much, I will always support him and stand by him.
I just want some one who understands to talk to.
Thanks again for reading.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Beth - many, many others with the same story, but this one is yours. You are not alone, and welcome. You'll find a lot of great people here - they will however, tell you the truth which can hurt.
You can't save him - that's a fact, sorry to say. Yes, you can support him but caution is advised if you enable him.
The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself! Find a group(s) that are for families of alcoholics. There is one on SR(here).
Consider a live program like Al- Anon. The tools learned there can help everyone - you might see things in a different light.
Glad your here - keep posting!
You can't save him - that's a fact, sorry to say. Yes, you can support him but caution is advised if you enable him.
The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself! Find a group(s) that are for families of alcoholics. There is one on SR(here).
Consider a live program like Al- Anon. The tools learned there can help everyone - you might see things in a different light.
Glad your here - keep posting!
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
(((Beth))), I hope you find comfort and support at Al-anon. Your post hit home with me today. I hope neither of my daughters are placed in a position to write such a post (in the future). Your Dad sounds like my hubby. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this, it is so hard. Have you read through the "stickies" posted above? This one might help you a bit:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html
but explore the rest of them as well.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html
but explore the rest of them as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Beth, welcome to the Forum!! 
My dad was an alcoholic and he eventually died of his alcoholism a few years ago!!
For me I had to really accept in the end, that there was nothing I or anyone could do, my dad drank all his life, he never admitted he even had a problem, never sought help at anytime and never saw the consequences to our family as a result of his drinking, my parents got divorced as I was growing up.
I had to make peace with the fact that he made his decisions as an adult and only he could have made the decision to change.
Support for yourself is very important, looking in on addiction can be frustrating more than anything I found, I attended Al-anon and Alateen when I was younger, both were great, SR is also a great place for support!!
My dad was an alcoholic and he eventually died of his alcoholism a few years ago!!
For me I had to really accept in the end, that there was nothing I or anyone could do, my dad drank all his life, he never admitted he even had a problem, never sought help at anytime and never saw the consequences to our family as a result of his drinking, my parents got divorced as I was growing up.
I had to make peace with the fact that he made his decisions as an adult and only he could have made the decision to change.
Support for yourself is very important, looking in on addiction can be frustrating more than anything I found, I attended Al-anon and Alateen when I was younger, both were great, SR is also a great place for support!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, Beth. I'm sorry you've had need to find us, but I'm glad you're here. This is so tough on families. Especially knowing the illness and the drama is so unnecessary. But nobody said life was fair, and addiction is a perfect example of that.
Guilt. Yes, the gift that keeps on giving. I've said in this forum before that we adult children would all be excellent catholics. We've got that guilt thing down pat. The good news is, we can break free of our chains and find recovery. If it weren't for Al-Anon and the amazing people here at SR, I would likely be so guilt ridden over my AM's current circumstances. She's losing her house at auction next week because she drank her money instead of paying her mortgage. Not my circus, not my monkey. And not a single twinge of guilt for not answering her phone calls yesterday. This is HER problem. She made her bed. And your dad made his. It sucks, and it's sad. But it's not your problem to fix. (((Hugs)))
Guilt. Yes, the gift that keeps on giving. I've said in this forum before that we adult children would all be excellent catholics. We've got that guilt thing down pat. The good news is, we can break free of our chains and find recovery. If it weren't for Al-Anon and the amazing people here at SR, I would likely be so guilt ridden over my AM's current circumstances. She's losing her house at auction next week because she drank her money instead of paying her mortgage. Not my circus, not my monkey. And not a single twinge of guilt for not answering her phone calls yesterday. This is HER problem. She made her bed. And your dad made his. It sucks, and it's sad. But it's not your problem to fix. (((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: bradford
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Purpleknight 
Hey Beth, welcome to the Forum!!
My dad was an alcoholic and he eventually died of his alcoholism a few years ago!!
For me I had to really accept in the end, that there was nothing I or anyone could do, my dad drank all his life, he never admitted he even had a problem, never sought help at anytime and never saw the consequences to our family as a result of his drinking, my parents got divorced as I was growing up.
I had to make peace with the fact that he made his decisions as an adult and only he could have made the decision to change.
Support for yourself is very important, looking in on addiction can be frustrating more than anything I found, I attended Al-anon and Alateen when I was younger, both were great, SR is also a great place for support!!
My dad was an alcoholic and he eventually died of his alcoholism a few years ago!!
For me I had to really accept in the end, that there was nothing I or anyone could do, my dad drank all his life, he never admitted he even had a problem, never sought help at anytime and never saw the consequences to our family as a result of his drinking, my parents got divorced as I was growing up.
I had to make peace with the fact that he made his decisions as an adult and only he could have made the decision to change.
Support for yourself is very important, looking in on addiction can be frustrating more than anything I found, I attended Al-anon and Alateen when I was younger, both were great, SR is also a great place for support!!
I think that's what I need to do, I need to accept it. It's hard too when am living with him, but I know I need to do it. I've tried to change him and and him to change but it's not worked, I know I can't change him anymore.
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
Originally Posted by Beth1510
Thank you.
How do you deal/cope with your hubby?
How do you deal/cope with your hubby?
Sorry I took so long to reply ... I have been on the road (and I have been thinking about a reply to this seemingly inconpsicuous question)... I was my hubby's drinking partner for 20 years ... I stopped .. he hasn't ... coping with his drinking is not easy at times , like your Dad he does things with our kids ... holiday , coaching sporting teams, family day trips, and where possible a drink is in hand or nearby (in the car), he works etc .
In the now i hold resentment towards his drinking (I am trying to let that go) ..I worry my kids will think daily drinking is normal ... there is angst in the family on weekend when he drinks the most ... his forgetting total conversations he has with me and the kids is ...shall i say IRRITATING ... on 2 occasions he has said nasty things our kids ... I hope that does not happen again.
As for the future I really worry about his health .. he already has some illnesses that could be linked to his drinking ... we don't communicate ... there is no intimacy .. i am with him purely because he is a "good Dad" 90% of the time ... i try to stay out of the ring with him.. I worry about how our relationship is affecting the kids
I am reading "Codependency No More " which I am finding interesting. I still have a lot to learn and many things to sought out .. take care of YOU and i hope you check out Ala-Anon.
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