Relationships with Parents
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Relationships with Parents
Hi folks,
I hope this is ok to post in this forum...I'm a member of another 12 step fellowship myself with 5 years recovery. Have never attended ACA myself but identify with the laundry list. My father is an Alcoholic and I had no contact with him for 18 years (15-33). My mother attended AA once when I was 16 but didn't relate. I believe I qualify, mostly because I am never entirely sure in any given situation how I am SUPPOSED to feel
So on that subject...my dad walked away when I was 15, we kept in contact by phone for some years but even that stopped when I turned 18. Best way to describe it is it just fizzled out. I remember almost intentionally putting the ball in his court...I had just moved house and changed telephone number, gave him the details and said to contact me whenever he wanted. He didn't and I guess over the years I began to tell myself this was a good thing.
Staying in touch with him had always been difficult. Hes quite emotionally detached...most conversations were quite 'functional' for want of a better word...if he could give me advice on what I should do with my life, all was well. Or if I could tell him something positive about what was going on I my life, or he had some positive news (or boasts?) for me, we could keep a conversation going. It always felt strained, but I wanted to make the effort.
Staying I touch with my dad was also difficult because of the way I felt it affected my relationship with my mum and brother. They both cut off contact long before I did. They never overtly told me they disapproved of my contact but that was the message I read. The fact that he wasnt around was never a subject for discussion. He was sometimes mentioned but always in an extremely negative way. The family myth was that we were better off without him, and as much as I wanted some contact I guess I bought into that. Getting closer to them and drifting away from him seemed like a healthy move.
To cut a long story short over the years I came to believe that our family of 3 unit was maybe not as healthy as we made it out to be. My mum never moved on and continued to be maybe overly involved with, and overly dependant on both me and my brother. There always seemed to be a dynamic between us where either me or my brother was the good guy, the other was the bad guy. My mum could only be happy when one or both of us were with her and she was always quite vocal about this. My brother moved and stayed overseas pretty quickly, which meant for many years I seemed to pick up the slack. But on the other hand, whenever me and mum argued I was given the killer one-liner..."You're just like your father". Brother seemed to take on the role of the returning hero...he would call regularly and come home a few times a year while I seemed to take on a lot of the burden for making sure mum was 'ok' the rest of the time.
From 18-30 I set out developing a nice little drinking problem of my own. I hit recovery at 30 and shortly after I began to feel the need to make contact with my father again. I reached out to him as part of my step 9 amends...I wasn't sure what I wanted to say but was pretty sure it was something I needed to do. This was incredibly difficult, not least because I would have to face the thing I avoided all those years ago...what felt like having to choose between mum and brother, or dad. Not knowing wether to tell them or approach him behind their backs.
I reached out anyway and was glad I did and I have met him several times since and spomen by phone more often. That relationship is still difficult though. Not in a dramatic way, it just feels almost nonexistent like every time we speak we are starting from scratch. I decided to tell mum and brother we were talking and thats ok but it still feels unpopular with them. We agree to see things differently.
Anyhoo...I have been talking for some time about going to stay with my dad for a few days. I'm not in love with the idea but in some ways I feel I should and in some ways I guess I hope it might help build something stronger between us. We live about 250 miles apart so regular contact isn't feasible. But I still cant shake the feeling I am acting on what I think I *should* do. The idea of spending a few days together, honestly, makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.
Im not sure if there is anything more to say but I wanted to say that much...my ongoing relationship with both my folks feels like it's based in 'shoulds' and when I think about that I feel sad. Like I say if have absolutely no idea what a 'valid' feeling in this area would be, but somehow I get the impression I should feel differently. Stop and think about it too long and I get 'confused' A pretty surefire sign I think that there is more going on beneath the surface...
Anyway post worked out longer than I expected, thanks for reading if you got this far. Any comments greatly appreciated.
P
I hope this is ok to post in this forum...I'm a member of another 12 step fellowship myself with 5 years recovery. Have never attended ACA myself but identify with the laundry list. My father is an Alcoholic and I had no contact with him for 18 years (15-33). My mother attended AA once when I was 16 but didn't relate. I believe I qualify, mostly because I am never entirely sure in any given situation how I am SUPPOSED to feel
So on that subject...my dad walked away when I was 15, we kept in contact by phone for some years but even that stopped when I turned 18. Best way to describe it is it just fizzled out. I remember almost intentionally putting the ball in his court...I had just moved house and changed telephone number, gave him the details and said to contact me whenever he wanted. He didn't and I guess over the years I began to tell myself this was a good thing.
Staying in touch with him had always been difficult. Hes quite emotionally detached...most conversations were quite 'functional' for want of a better word...if he could give me advice on what I should do with my life, all was well. Or if I could tell him something positive about what was going on I my life, or he had some positive news (or boasts?) for me, we could keep a conversation going. It always felt strained, but I wanted to make the effort.
Staying I touch with my dad was also difficult because of the way I felt it affected my relationship with my mum and brother. They both cut off contact long before I did. They never overtly told me they disapproved of my contact but that was the message I read. The fact that he wasnt around was never a subject for discussion. He was sometimes mentioned but always in an extremely negative way. The family myth was that we were better off without him, and as much as I wanted some contact I guess I bought into that. Getting closer to them and drifting away from him seemed like a healthy move.
To cut a long story short over the years I came to believe that our family of 3 unit was maybe not as healthy as we made it out to be. My mum never moved on and continued to be maybe overly involved with, and overly dependant on both me and my brother. There always seemed to be a dynamic between us where either me or my brother was the good guy, the other was the bad guy. My mum could only be happy when one or both of us were with her and she was always quite vocal about this. My brother moved and stayed overseas pretty quickly, which meant for many years I seemed to pick up the slack. But on the other hand, whenever me and mum argued I was given the killer one-liner..."You're just like your father". Brother seemed to take on the role of the returning hero...he would call regularly and come home a few times a year while I seemed to take on a lot of the burden for making sure mum was 'ok' the rest of the time.
From 18-30 I set out developing a nice little drinking problem of my own. I hit recovery at 30 and shortly after I began to feel the need to make contact with my father again. I reached out to him as part of my step 9 amends...I wasn't sure what I wanted to say but was pretty sure it was something I needed to do. This was incredibly difficult, not least because I would have to face the thing I avoided all those years ago...what felt like having to choose between mum and brother, or dad. Not knowing wether to tell them or approach him behind their backs.
I reached out anyway and was glad I did and I have met him several times since and spomen by phone more often. That relationship is still difficult though. Not in a dramatic way, it just feels almost nonexistent like every time we speak we are starting from scratch. I decided to tell mum and brother we were talking and thats ok but it still feels unpopular with them. We agree to see things differently.
Anyhoo...I have been talking for some time about going to stay with my dad for a few days. I'm not in love with the idea but in some ways I feel I should and in some ways I guess I hope it might help build something stronger between us. We live about 250 miles apart so regular contact isn't feasible. But I still cant shake the feeling I am acting on what I think I *should* do. The idea of spending a few days together, honestly, makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.
Im not sure if there is anything more to say but I wanted to say that much...my ongoing relationship with both my folks feels like it's based in 'shoulds' and when I think about that I feel sad. Like I say if have absolutely no idea what a 'valid' feeling in this area would be, but somehow I get the impression I should feel differently. Stop and think about it too long and I get 'confused'
A pretty surefire sign I think that there is more going on beneath the surface...Anyway post worked out longer than I expected, thanks for reading if you got this far. Any comments greatly appreciated.
P
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Hi Paul
I identify with your post very much, thank you for sharing. It gives me enormous courage and strength to know of others struggling as I have!
A man I call a friend with 40 years AA and 30 years AcoA experience once told me "I never apologise for my feelings, ever". In that context I've come to realise that what I'm supposed to feel is what I feel. It can't be wrong, it is my feeling.
It appears that I share with you a similar childhood experience. My relationship with my Absent Father was always difficult. It got better, but when I started my recovery from alcoholism I experienced old childhood feelings of fear and incertainty.... of not being good enough. Put more accurately, what I now recognise as a feeling of helplessness, I now accept as powerlessness.
His drinking was curtailed by age and ill health over the last 5 years and he died December 2013, so by natural causes I don't struggle with a living relationship with him.
By my own experience of alcoholism I've come to realise that whilst I was drinking alcoholically I was incapable of having a 'real' relationship with another human being. I see that my parents were in the same situation although their denial of the problem prevented them from experiencing the truth.
During my recovery from alcoholism, I became aware of the effect my parents and my childhood had on me, in particular the 'Laundry list' and 'The Problem'. Put simply they were sick too (and didn't know it) and they passed on those traits to me e.g. fear, intolerance etc etc.
We lived the family moto of "don't tell, don't trust and don't feel" As a consequence I stuffed my feelings and at a certain age attempted to mask the discomfort of those feelings with alcohol... until I became addicted and alcoholic.
My Mother who recently suffered pancreatitis through alcohol abuse also crossed the line too far and now suffers from alcoholic dementia and korsakoffs syndrome. But as I was growing up, like you, she would often use the 'killer line' "Your just like your father". Unbeknown to me she used the line of all my siblings. She was and still is (allowing for her condition) manipulative and devisive.
The roles you identify 'good guy' I recognise from my past too. As I do the role of being responsible for my mothers happiness. I played the role of Father in my house from a very early age. I brought my youngest sister up, taught her to read and write, fed her etc. I continued to play the role of 'man of the house' and felt continually responsible for trying to fix my Mother, my Father and the broken relationship. I was a mediator in that regard. Like you I was torn between the various relationships - in my case those relationships my Mum had with my Dad and my siblings (3 sisters).
Additionally, I played the part of 'clown' to try and make my Mother happy to prevent her frequent suicide attempts, drinking and prescription drug abuse.
I discovered my family dysfunction quite late - I didn't know my childhood wasn't normal, in the same way I didn't know my alcoholic drinking wasn't normal. When I first share about some of the happenings from my childhood I was initially shocked to hear people call it traumatic. But I now have no doubt that I suffered from neglect and abuse. It was not necessarily willful or malicious neglect and abuse in that my parents (in their ignorance and denial) simply passed on what they had but is was neglect and abuse and in that regard my past has influenced my present
As for ongoing relationships with my folks; despite one having passed away his sisters, my aunties have tried to recruit me in my extended family sickness too and of course whilst my mothers health has changed dramatically in light of the consequences of her drinking; I have similar feelings. Its more "I should" than I want, or believe is healthy.
What I try to do as I seek to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family is remember step one from ACoA;
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable
i.e. I surrender
I try to remember that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it and that I'm not responsible for the happiness of my parents.
There the only tools I have right now, I hope for more!
I'll close (what was meant to be a quick response) with an extract from Adult children website (there's a UK one too)
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
"We discover how childhood affected us in the past and influences us in the present (see The Laundry List, and The Problem). We take positive action. By practicing the Twelve Steps, focusing on The Solution, "
All the best
I identify with your post very much, thank you for sharing. It gives me enormous courage and strength to know of others struggling as I have!
A man I call a friend with 40 years AA and 30 years AcoA experience once told me "I never apologise for my feelings, ever". In that context I've come to realise that what I'm supposed to feel is what I feel. It can't be wrong, it is my feeling.
It appears that I share with you a similar childhood experience. My relationship with my Absent Father was always difficult. It got better, but when I started my recovery from alcoholism I experienced old childhood feelings of fear and incertainty.... of not being good enough. Put more accurately, what I now recognise as a feeling of helplessness, I now accept as powerlessness.
His drinking was curtailed by age and ill health over the last 5 years and he died December 2013, so by natural causes I don't struggle with a living relationship with him.
By my own experience of alcoholism I've come to realise that whilst I was drinking alcoholically I was incapable of having a 'real' relationship with another human being. I see that my parents were in the same situation although their denial of the problem prevented them from experiencing the truth.
During my recovery from alcoholism, I became aware of the effect my parents and my childhood had on me, in particular the 'Laundry list' and 'The Problem'. Put simply they were sick too (and didn't know it) and they passed on those traits to me e.g. fear, intolerance etc etc.
We lived the family moto of "don't tell, don't trust and don't feel" As a consequence I stuffed my feelings and at a certain age attempted to mask the discomfort of those feelings with alcohol... until I became addicted and alcoholic.
My Mother who recently suffered pancreatitis through alcohol abuse also crossed the line too far and now suffers from alcoholic dementia and korsakoffs syndrome. But as I was growing up, like you, she would often use the 'killer line' "Your just like your father". Unbeknown to me she used the line of all my siblings. She was and still is (allowing for her condition) manipulative and devisive.
The roles you identify 'good guy' I recognise from my past too. As I do the role of being responsible for my mothers happiness. I played the role of Father in my house from a very early age. I brought my youngest sister up, taught her to read and write, fed her etc. I continued to play the role of 'man of the house' and felt continually responsible for trying to fix my Mother, my Father and the broken relationship. I was a mediator in that regard. Like you I was torn between the various relationships - in my case those relationships my Mum had with my Dad and my siblings (3 sisters).
Additionally, I played the part of 'clown' to try and make my Mother happy to prevent her frequent suicide attempts, drinking and prescription drug abuse.
I discovered my family dysfunction quite late - I didn't know my childhood wasn't normal, in the same way I didn't know my alcoholic drinking wasn't normal. When I first share about some of the happenings from my childhood I was initially shocked to hear people call it traumatic. But I now have no doubt that I suffered from neglect and abuse. It was not necessarily willful or malicious neglect and abuse in that my parents (in their ignorance and denial) simply passed on what they had but is was neglect and abuse and in that regard my past has influenced my present
As for ongoing relationships with my folks; despite one having passed away his sisters, my aunties have tried to recruit me in my extended family sickness too and of course whilst my mothers health has changed dramatically in light of the consequences of her drinking; I have similar feelings. Its more "I should" than I want, or believe is healthy.
What I try to do as I seek to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family is remember step one from ACoA;
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable
i.e. I surrender
I try to remember that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it and that I'm not responsible for the happiness of my parents.
There the only tools I have right now, I hope for more!
I'll close (what was meant to be a quick response) with an extract from Adult children website (there's a UK one too)
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
"We discover how childhood affected us in the past and influences us in the present (see The Laundry List, and The Problem). We take positive action. By practicing the Twelve Steps, focusing on The Solution, "
All the best
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