Hi folks,
I hope this is ok to post in this forum...I'm a member of another 12 step fellowship myself with 5 years recovery. Have never attended ACA myself but identify with the laundry list. My father is an Alcoholic and I had no contact with him for 18 years (15-33). My mother attended AA once when I was 16 but didn't relate. I believe I qualify, mostly because I am never entirely sure in any given situation how I am SUPPOSED to feel
So on that subject...my dad walked away when I was 15, we kept in contact by phone for some years but even that stopped when I turned 18. Best way to describe it is it just fizzled out. I remember almost intentionally putting the ball in his court...I had just moved house and changed telephone number, gave him the details and said to contact me whenever he wanted. He didn't and I guess over the years I began to tell myself this was a good thing.
Staying in touch with him had always been difficult. Hes quite emotionally detached...most conversations were quite 'functional' for want of a better word...if he could give me advice on what I should do with my life, all was well. Or if I could tell him something positive about what was going on I my life, or he had some positive news (or boasts?) for me, we could keep a conversation going. It always felt strained, but I wanted to make the effort.
Staying I touch with my dad was also difficult because of the way I felt it affected my relationship with my mum and brother. They both cut off contact long before I did. They never overtly told me they disapproved of my contact but that was the message I read. The fact that he wasnt around was never a subject for discussion. He was sometimes mentioned but always in an extremely negative way. The family myth was that we were better off without him, and as much as I wanted some contact I guess I bought into that. Getting closer to them and drifting away from him seemed like a healthy move.
To cut a long story short over the years I came to believe that our family of 3 unit was maybe not as healthy as we made it out to be. My mum never moved on and continued to be maybe overly involved with, and overly dependant on both me and my brother. There always seemed to be a dynamic between us where either me or my brother was the good guy, the other was the bad guy. My mum could only be happy when one or both of us were with her and she was always quite vocal about this. My brother moved and stayed overseas pretty quickly, which meant for many years I seemed to pick up the slack. But on the other hand, whenever me and mum argued I was given the killer one-liner..."You're just like your father". Brother seemed to take on the role of the returning hero...he would call regularly and come home a few times a year while I seemed to take on a lot of the burden for making sure mum was 'ok' the rest of the time.
From 18-30 I set out developing a nice little drinking problem of my own. I hit recovery at 30 and shortly after I began to feel the need to make contact with my father again. I reached out to him as part of my step 9 amends...I wasn't sure what I wanted to say but was pretty sure it was something I needed to do. This was incredibly difficult, not least because I would have to face the thing I avoided all those years ago...what felt like having to choose between mum and brother, or dad. Not knowing wether to tell them or approach him behind their backs.
I reached out anyway and was glad I did and I have met him several times since and spomen by phone more often. That relationship is still difficult though. Not in a dramatic way, it just feels almost nonexistent like every time we speak we are starting from scratch. I decided to tell mum and brother we were talking and thats ok but it still feels unpopular with them. We agree to see things differently.
Anyhoo...I have been talking for some time about going to stay with my dad for a few days. I'm not in love with the idea but in some ways I feel I should and in some ways I guess I hope it might help build something stronger between us. We live about 250 miles apart so regular contact isn't feasible. But I still cant shake the feeling I am acting on what I think I *should* do. The idea of spending a few days together, honestly, makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.
Im not sure if there is anything more to say but I wanted to say that much...my ongoing relationship with both my folks feels like it's based in 'shoulds' and when I think about that I feel sad. Like I say if have absolutely no idea what a 'valid' feeling in this area would be, but somehow I get the impression I should feel differently. Stop and think about it too long and I get 'confused'
A pretty surefire sign I think that there is more going on beneath the surface...
Anyway post worked out longer than I expected, thanks for reading if you got this far. Any comments greatly appreciated.
P