happybeingme

I don't think the self doubt comes from your inner child I think it is a left over from our rotten parenting. We grew up with abuse and neglect. Being told one thing while the treatment we received said something different. When we tried to share our feelings or fears they were dismissed, played down or we were flat out told we were wrong. How could we not doubt ourselves. We grew up with gas lighting and secretiveness, and all manner of crazy.

Spacegoat

Would you say you are recovered happybeingme? Or anyone else.

It's a bit surprising that nobody has ever said any of this to me before.

Kialua

Being recovered is an ongoing experience and a choice to make daily. I have shared that at the early age of 3 I realized my parents were nuts and I was never going to be like them and lived a very different life while detaching emotionally from them. But there are still moments of sadness that pop up when least expected. I chose to live free from their control and find my stability without them or their approval. I chose to not believe their definition of me and define myself.

happybeingme

No I am no where near recovered from childhood Stratman but I am much healthier and happier than I ever believed possible.

In my own belief I am recovered from my alcoholism. I don't drink and don't care to. I see myself as simply a nondrinker.

What in particular are you surprised about? The childhood stuff? I don't know how things are in Ireland but I seem to recall I think it was in the 80's when examine your childhood was really popular. That changed into a personal responsibility thing but there were still a whole lot of us really hurt by our pasts. Not only that but we are doomed to repeat our maladaptive behaviors unless we are healed from our hurtful pasts.

It is also helpful that there has been so many great advances in neuroscientific research that we have a better understanding of personality disorders now.

FireSprite

Having lived it, I completely agree. This is EXACTLY the kind of insidious dysfunction kids are being constantly subjected to while dealing/living with an Active A. The kind of damage that can take the rest of their lives to undo, but that is SO hard to explain to others.

All that you described above are ways that we constantly told our screaming gut instincts to shut up because nothing was wrong. Those instincts got tired of raising the internal alarm, sending signals to the brain & being ignored....so when those bad situations happen again the gut says, No Big, Carry On & Ignore...... then years later we wonder why we can't trust our basic instincts any longer. Correcting it is a long, hard process that leaves you feeling vulnerable & you are almost guaranteed to make mistakes in the process. (which allows me to work on another of my favorite ACoA traits; accepting that I'm human and forgiving myself for making honest mistakes instead of beating myself over the head expecting nothing short of perfection at every turn.)

Now as the parent of a child of an alcoholic, I can easily see that every time we secret-keep, put a spin on what our kids are seeing/hearing, every time we cover up, deflect, or give them roundabout answers we are forcing them to go against their own instincts. When this comes from a trusted source (like mom/dad) they accept this as something in their best interests, reflexively... why wouldn't they? For these reasons, honesty & transparency have become the glue in my relationship with DD. Great thread!

MikeH

I agree 100% with both of you.

Spacegoat

I dunno happy. I guess I'm surprised that in years and years of going to doctors with ever increasing symptoms like

anxiety, insomnia, depression, my whole body covered in a rash which is caused by psychological stress, suicidal ideation, drinking alone every night

I sought help numerous times for each of those. Plus the fact I come from an abusive background which I never really knew was the case, just that it was unbearable.

That my upbringing was never really discussed at any point?! And neither was I offered any forms of treatment. 'Diet and exercise' every time. Kinda frustrating in the least.

I did eventually then end up inpatient in my early 20's, I had a breakdown. Bleurgh. I don't remember much, on a pink cloud no doubt. Got assaulted in there. Well anyway here I am : /

happybeingme

If I had to guess none of your doctor's for which you sought relief were a psychologist? Doctors only treat symptoms. Rash needs creams, stress and such need diet and exercise. If you did see a therapist I am guessing their focus was on CBT. You need a therapist with experience in family dysfunction and uses both psychoanalysis and CBT. Not a lot of those out there. But, self help groups such as ourselves can help fill in the gaps.

FireSprite

Yep, agree again. I had to bring up my ACoA background & issues to my Doc & show him the overlap of psychological & physical issues. (for me a lot of my dysfunction manifests in eating disorders)

I went through 2 other doctors before settling with the guy I see now because the others were less willing to slow down & listen to my "big picture". Recovery & resources like SR really helped me to identify how all these things related for me personally.

Actually, I read a book called "Perfect Daughters" & parts of it hit so close to home for me that I wept openly with relief from finally having some real understanding of myself. (It specifically deals with daughters to alcoholic parents & how their damage manifests differently depending on whether the alcoholic was their mom or dad, whether it developed during their lifetime or existed before their birth.)

Spacegoat

You're right happy. I was seeing a psychiatrist during inpatient, a nice man actually.

He used to be an alcoholic himself. Mainly the focus was on drink and drugs though.

I was just about to open to him up a bit when he went off on holidays and was replaced.

The other guy was a lot less friendly so that kinda was a big setback. He freaked me out.


I left that place thinking it was me against the world still, and really not a lot changed since.

It's the other way around now. That was nearly a decade ago and I'm nowhere near recovered.

Every doctor I have encountered had the same attitude 'you're young, go and conquer the world'.

I don't think I ever sought help to conquer the world, lol. I've started comfort eating now FireSprite.

happybeingme

Well Stratman, you aren't alone now. Whether you want to conquer the world or just have some peace in your life we got your back.

I am glad you are here

Spacegoat

That's probably the kindest thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Some peace in my life is what I've been searching for.

Thanks a lot Happy