Kialua

I think I learned that in church. It's based in part of "not fearing man" but rather seeking God's approval instead of man. And it turned out to be a much easier yoke to bear than man's and trying to outguess and please people.

Stung

I am so grateful for this thread. My mom was very abusive emotionally and mentally and my therapist kept trying to talk to me about my "inner child" last year and I cringed every single time. Like oh great, psycho babble. I just wanted to get on with the getting better stuff. The meat and potatoes of therapy, not my "inner child".

I'm working the 4th step now and my inner child is completely freaking out on me. I have all of these memories of abuse from my childhood and I'm wondering what my part in all of it was. My mom used to call me trash and has always told me that I keep her from being happy, as a mother myself I know there is NOTHING that a child can do to make any parent say those things. Being born was my only role in the dysfunction as a child.

When I was working through the earlier steps and developing a higher power, my sponsor helped me with the suggestion that her higher power views her the same way that she views her children. So I think I'm actually working through my inner child stuff via my higher power. I think my inner child needs a higher power more than my current adult self does, or maybe that's the whole point. I freak out and my higher power gives me comfort. My higher power loves me without condition and always has. These things happened to me and they weren't my fault and they no longer need to define who I am today.

makomago

I get what you’re say.. I identify.

The solution ‘The Solution’ according to the 12 step fellowship ACA or ACoA is
“To become your own loving parent”

What the text book of the fellowship (chapter 8) cautions on inner child work is something like this… ‘many people rush into inner child work without first taking time to meet their inner caring parent….. in some cases the sabotaging aspect of our inner child will emerge if we rush this stage of our development’.

In my mind I make up that this makes logical and practical sense, it feels and sounds healthy to me.

As a child my parents were ‘absent’ (emotionally, mentally, spiritually and in some cases physically). In that regard I had to parent myself, whilst not equipped to do so, so I’m equipping myself now – I too am learning that with help from fellowship, friends, here, therapy, good role models etc

I’ve found enormous benefit in recent times in journalling. I have two parts of my journal – front to back and back to front. In the ordingary sequence of opening pages I write positive affirmations that are applicable for the day and some that remain constant to get the messages firmly embedded in my heart and mind. These include such things as ‘I am safe’, ‘I can nurture and love myself’, ‘I can become my own loving, nurturing parent’, ‘I am good enough’, ‘I can recover’.

… And I believe it (now), but not so long ago, before the journalling the self doubt, the critical inner parent was running rampant – actually, so was the ‘free child’ which manifested itself as sabotaging!

Another technique I been introduced (this time in therapy) is that of ‘safe place imagery’. It’s like a guided meditation to a place where I am safe and in my mind are images, sensations and of course feelings. It’s self soothing.
“I have always had major self-doubt, second-guessing myself. It's like I can't trust myself.”

Without contradicting what you’ve written, because I identify with what you have written, from my perspective I don’t see my self doubt and not trusting myself as my inner child, I believe it to be my critical inner parent with a message summarised as “You’re not good enough” – hence my mantra in my journal ‘I am good enough’!.

Once I’m able to connect with my inner loving parent, I can make contact with my inner child as I would like to be approached in that ego state, namely with gentleness! I certainly don’t force it and if my inner child does not wish to come out, I talk, I don’t force, I’ve let him know I am there when he is ready - when he trusts me, I empower him by allowing him to find his own power. I'll tell him that he is safe now and he is loved now.

By not forcing my inner child to do something he is scared to do, I make steps to becoming my own loving parent – by respecting his wishes and keeping him safe.

happybeingme

Stung- it's my understanding that step4 is a moral inventory. I think rather than simply writing down everything you ever did wrong it would be more helpful to write out your shortcomings and how they developed, why they may have worked when you were young but are now maladaptive. Seriously. No child is ever at fault. We were ignored, neglected and abused. None of that was ever our fault.

Mako- great share

makomago

Maybe I've missed something in your posts, but in respect of 4th Step “freaking me out” and “wondering what my part in all of it was” my experience is this - firstly I've done two step 4’s, one in the fellowship of AA and another in the fellowship of ACA. The two differ in certain aspects.

In the context of the latter (ACA) my 4th step, which I did by using the Fellowship Step Workbook (yellow book) is so much more detailed, deeper and well... forgiving. I guess that is because there are elements of 'blameless' inventory, inventorying the family system, and lists on how the various components of my life have developed e.g. Laundry list inventory which details specific events, how I felt (at the time, inner child reaction) and the type of trait developed.

I find the manner in which the yellow book enables the self examination, the piecing together of ‘my story’ to NOT blame myself very comforting (mostly-but not always). The gentleness breaks and positive affirmations are good too IMHO.

Of course, toward the end of the workbook on step 4, the two denial lists (my parents behaviour) followed by denial list (my behaviour) is a different kettle of fish, in that it is the reflection of the laundry list e.g. if I am afraid of angry people and authority figures, how I have become one (yikes)…. But its true in my experience. I have some painful feelings e.g. guilt in that regard, but its healthy guilt and that’s OK.

happybeingme

That's what I thought Mako. Several times I have seen people comment on step 4 in ACA and it sounded exactly like the AA one. I wonder why there appears to be confusion between the two. I would never think to blame myself for anything in my childhood.

OGK

"I have always had major self-doubt, second-guessing myself. It's like I can't trust myself. Perhaps this is really a manifestation of my inner child, my inner child does not trust me. This is all very confusing and I am just beginning to explore it. I hope it brings me some healing and peace."

Hey there Yak. I can relate, with everything you say. This topic and or feeling without a doubt has been the most bizarre and rewarding part of my Recovery. I was conditioned to "get over it" from day one as a child so the thought of even considering MY inner child was so off my radar that I innitially considered it laughable. I am grateful that I found AA (not an endorsement) because that led me to ACA (also not a paid spokesman) and mustered up the courage to explore him, my inner child. I too felt paralyzed by the prospects of counceling my IC. I had no reference point for a good baseline so how could I do that? For me, I started to take note of the people, the adults, in my newish sober life and started a small dialogue with him. I think for me too, I gave myself enough latitude and patience as I clearly was "Parenting" myself with no skill set and no positive examples. And for me, that fact, and some of what you describe here is so so positive. A clean slate and a zero baseline to be a better parent to yourself/myself. The parent that I wanted to prepare me for life, the parent I wanted to tell me that my fear is normal, the parent that told me with confidence how to work "IT" out......how cool is that? I think what you are sharing and feeling is not only great, it's confirmation that I too am on the right track. I'll read on but I wanted to jump in here.
Thank you
OGK

Stung

Hi guys, I'm doing my 4th step in al-anon. I'm not an addict. I'm not exactly an ACOA either, my mother is an ACOA but in such a severe manner that I greatly identify with other ACOAs. Anytime I've attended ACOA al-anon meetings it's as if I've found my people but I never experienced my mom going to bars or always having a drink in hand. Maybe I still have some denial about her drinking, IDK.

I resent the heck out of my mom, for a multitude of reasons. The al-anon 4th step asks us to write down our resentments and asks us to figure out our part in our resentments. As an adult with my RAH, yeah, I definitely have had a part in the chaos and it's been a pretty equal share. As a child, (where the bulk of my resentments and hidden beliefs come from) no, I cannot find my part in contributing to the chaos. My childhood is where my shame and guilt and fear come from. I've read that its helpful to look at traumatic childhood events from another angle. I was a victim to my mother (I still feel like one sometimes but as an adult with her, I have been contributing to the chaos) and while what she did was wrong, she was the same victim as some point in her life.

Hope that makes more sense. Thinking about the abuse that my mom doled out to me as a child and looking for my "role" in that brings me back to a place of believing that it was my fault that bad things happened to me. I was a scape goat in a magnificent way for my mom. Everything bad that happened to her was my fault and I deserved everything unpleasant thing that happened to me.

makomago

I've not noticed it, or to be more precise I can't remember it happening - obviously I'm not saying it hasn't happened :-)

The steps in ACA, as you'll know because you have the big red book (I think?) are included in chapter 7. Have a look from page 160 to page 190 and count the number of lists in Step 4 - compared to 4 in AA. Blameless doesn't come into it in AA Big Book and although the step 4 in the AA BB says 'we went back through our lives' I know plenty of people who don't look as far back as I do (that's fine, no criticism, no judgement on my part), but I often hear the very same people talk about the very same things e.g. traits and dysfunction, history of addiction/alcoholism and in the very same breath 'nothing to see back then' etc. Again, that's fine, no criticism, no judgement on my part, but that approach wouldn't have worked for me. It'd be incomplete (not whole).

Obviously ACA is a little more specific for obvious reasons and doesn't really 'allow' (bad choice of word) to stop when the drinking started say just as the drinking started.

I'm not criticising AA btw, I'm grateful to it and attend meetings myself.

Also, in the yellow book there are a number of questions and exercises that are not in the BRB. But I've read others here who didn't get on with the yellow book... and they still have something I want!!

These questions (in the yellow book) not only helped my understanding in very general terms but also helped me build up the picture of my story, by analogy what was once a jigsaw (of some modern art) scattered about all over the place (a less than whole, complete person), is now a coherent picture of myself painted in a fine, dazzling, serenity coloured oil paint sparkling and glistening around my general aura.... just like in real life :-)

... OK, I made that up about the jigsaw and the serenity and the just like in real life bit, but give me some poetic licence will ya, I'm having a good day!!!

What I'm saying is, I am more able to piece together what happened, where some of my flawed thinking orginates etc etc.

Simple, but not easy. Actually, I din't find it (step 4) that simple either truth be told. But definetly worth it for me :-)

happybeingme

Thanks for your share Mako.

Stung- the problem I have with my mom, and she isn't an alcoholic, is while I know much of her childhood history she never did the " my children will have a better life than me". And even with her chaotic life she was baby number 6 she had a lot of siblings who were always protecting her and taking care of her. In many ways she never grew up. She groomed me to always worry about her, be her confidante,etc. She did nothing to care for me. I have the photos. A little girl never in dresses, hair brushed, or face cleaned. I figured that stuff out for myself.

As an adult though yeah I developed a lot of her dysfunction and that's my fault but little me nope she was just a victim.

makomago

I attend Al Anon on occasions too and within those meetings it is sometimes a bit 'Hope for Adult Children of'.

By a curious twist of oversight AL Anon fellowship text is one I don't have, so I have no experience of step 4 in Al Anon therefore I can't compare and contrast.

At my local ACA meeting we read from the fellowship text (the Big Red Book [BRB]) and share on and around that or whatever else we wish e.g. steps, or what's affecting today - you know the drill :-)

What I will say is there is a chapter in that book entitled 'My Parents didn't drink but I relate'. According to the UK ACA Service office there is a slight emphasis change increasing the dysfunctional family side of things... because there are apparently a lot of people who identify and don't have addicted parents.

There is also a small 'tri-fold' leaflet (exract from the BRB) showing the family types that are common e.g. militaristic, overly religious etc etc etc

In respect of step 4, it sounds very similar to AA. My parents hit my resentment list in that program too (actually so did most people :-)). As I reflect on that list and resentment of my parents now I see it as woefully inadequate. Not deep enough. But I did it before discovering ACA!

What was my part?

If I use the general heading 'lack of care' I came to the conclusion that THe part of myself affected was my emotional security, my self esteem and my pride. My part was I was inconsderate and self seeking. I was that way because I never considered that my parents (Mum to be precise) was very sick herself - she was sick (emotionally & spiritually).

That's was my part in the existing resentment when I did my list back then.

I'm wasn't looking for my part in any event, I was looking for my part in MY resentment. Carrying that feeling of bitterness or ill will, whilst perhaps understandable, is ultimately damaging to me. It certainly does not fill me with serenity.

I was not responsible for most of the bad events or being emotional abused etc. I am responsible for MY resentments.

Apologies if I've just done one whopper of a thread drift.... :-(

happybeingme

Mako- why do you feel you didn't go deep enough in your resentments? Do you still feel those resentments?

JustAYak

Wow. Somebody dug up my old thread...I'm glad you guys are finding some use out of it. Perfect timing really, I needed to reread it today. Thanks

makomago

What I mean is that when I did step 4 in AA I wasn't armed with what I know now. I suppose I was in denial AND ignorant of the effects. Also as the focus was different, I was still a suffering alcoholic and my primary objective was to be free of the mental obsession. I'm happy with what I did then with what I had then and where I was then. It worked, I'm free of the obsession, I don't want to drink today AND I was able to open my mind sufficiently to find and investigate ACoA effects. Progress, not perfection; journey not a destination.... and all that jazz.

In the same way I once thought (in ignorance of the malady) that an alcoholic was a low bottom drunk on a park bench - as I wasn't I denied my alcoholism. I didn't look at myself.

Similarly, I also thought that childhood abuse was the very extremes of abuse e.g. sexual or very violent. So in ignorance I was able to deny the effects of my own upbringing.

Until finding ACA I had no idea that abuse could be covert AND overt. I had no idea that parents could pass on shame, fear and self doubt. Because I guessed at what normal was I just assumed mine was. Ignorance and denial. I had no idea that constant criticism, or perfectionism could have an impact. Many of the things I once considered normal or acceptable or even the way to be I know see as abusive.

For example: With my oldest daughter (now 9 y/o) when she was first doing her homework, I'd constantly try and push her to do a little more than she was able and than was age appropriate. I'd make her sit longer than I would with my own studies as an adult. If it wasn't a fine example in terms of content and quality, we'd do it again. She hated it. I pushed her. This was abusive on my part. She hates her homework with a passion now and the fear of making a mistake is palpable with her - I can see the avoidance tactics she uses, which she uses to avoid being shamed. I don't have to go back very many years when I thought what I was doing was actually great, caring, parenting. I was very wrong and continue to make amends with her on that front - there is progress, her fear of making a mistake is diminishing (slowly). That sort of subtle, slow erosion of a childs confidence and self was absolutely totally lost on me.

Do I still feel those resentments? I was having the exact conversation this morning f2f with someone. No I don't resent her and usually, I don't feel the resentments. However, sometimes buried memories and feelings return so I get something new to resent :-) BUT I now have the tools to grieve and get to the acceptance part more quickly today thereby avoiding a lingering resentment. I'm more aware of my inner workings.

I was 'told' this morning "I need to forgive my Mum" my reply was I don't need to do anything. The truth is, I accept her and my past. Forgiveness doesn't come into it today for me, because I know she was a very sick woman, had zero coping skills and due to her inability and/or reluctance to self examine for reasons I doubt I'll ever fathom (except to say, I get the general impression that most don't [personal opinion alert]) she was unaware she had choices and unaware there was another way to live. She simply reacted unconciously. In that regard, she just guessed at what normal was too and was ignorant of the effects because she couldn't cope with her own pain.

Of course her myriad of behaviours I'm sure she rationalised to remain ignorant of what was going on. I don't know her reasons, to be honest, I feel sad that her life has been a cluster f**k of her own making, one of which she was powerless over. She never found a power greater than her to help.

SO no, I don't hang onto resent her today. But often when I refect upon what is was like, or some of her behaviours I'm disgusted and revolted. The thought of going to see her sometimes/often even fills me with dread because I know she looks pitiful today and I know I am reminded that it was often that way.

Her condition is much worse today than it was then, but I'm better able to deal with it and her today. Back then, whilst her condition was better, I was less able, or unable (being a child and all). It's the same sadness I feel then and now although having to stuff my feelings back then (for my own survival) I'm more aware of how I would have 'actually' felt then i.e. My inner child feels the old stuff and my adult self can see the truth of the NOW.

happybeingme

Thank you for such an elegant and clear response

Stung

There are others like me and they have their own chapter?! I need to get my hands on one of these books!!!

My mom may very well be an alcoholic, but if she is it's not in an obvious way. I have memories of her drinking to oblivion but it didn't happen frequently. One time when I was maybe 10, my mom drove my brother and I home from my soccer coach's house and she was too drunk to get the key into the front door lock. I took the key from her and unlocked the door and she raged at me afterwards. Memories like that make me believe that she is some kind of alcoholic. But those events didn't happen often. I don't know what to label her as except that I know unequivocally that she is abusive and manipulative and very narcissistic.

Verte

Thanks for your old thread, Yak. And thanks to those above and before who contributed and dug it up. I am inspired to write.

happybeingme

Stung- while I qualify to be here because my dad is an alcoholic it is my mom and her NPD that has been most damaging. The full title is something like Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Family Dysfunctions. The founders just thought that was a bit to wordy but yep any one who identifies with the Laundry List belongs here.

Welcome!

chicory

Kailua... love this statement.

Spacegoat

Same here Yak. I'm reading this thread with great interest. I am actually amazed.

I hope that you and others who were mistreated find the peace you are looking for.