notthesame

I am 20 years old and my mother was an alcoholic. She doesn't drink anymore (a glass of wine here and there on special occasions, but no more than that), but I feel like the damage to our relationship can't be fixed.

When I was 13, my mother was lost her job. She had a really bad flu that just wouldn't get away, so she ended up taking too many sick days for her employers liking. This was the start of her depression & alcoholism. For about the next 6 months, she slept in our partially finished basement, coming upstairs only to use the bathroom. She ate VERY little, and mostly just smoked and drank all day. My father decided to get her help, so we checked her into the local hospital psych ward. She seemed to be getting better, so in a month or two, we brought her back home.

She was fine for a little while. She was no longer sleeping in the basement, but she kept smoking/boozing the days away. It was not unlikely for me (now in Grade 9), the first person home from school/work, to come home to my mother passed out somewhere in the house. It terrified me. Some days she would respond to me trying to wake her up. Some days, I picked up the phone, ready to dial 911 as I struggled to wake her. I was THAT frightened. Luckily, she always eventually woke up, telling me that she was fine and to leave her alone. Nobody else in my family had the experience I had, and I am very thankful that they didn't.

Pretty soon, my mother's alcoholism got so bad that not only was she always drunk, but she was getting violent. My mother and I would fight CONSTANTLY. Every day she wasn't passed out on the floor, she would argue with me over the stupidest things, so I'd run to my room and sit against the door so she couldn't get inside. She would argue with my dad when he'd get home about what a terrible person I was, trying to start a fight. My dad, luckily he's very passive, would tell my mother to calm down and then he'd walk away. My brother was lucky. She didn't seem to hate him nearly as much as my father or me. We once again sent her to the hospital, and prayed she'd get better.

For the most part, she did. She stopped 90% of her drinking, and was no longer violent. She still smoked like a chimney, but I guess she still needed something to cope. However, she had done so much damage to herself that, to this day, more and more health problems emerge. She can barely eat without throwing up because she barely ate for those two years that her stomach can't handle food (she is 5'8" and weighed under 90lbs at one point). She has a large amount of pancreatic/digestive/liver problems. She takes so many prescription medication that at times she seems a little loopy.

I still currently live with my parents, and my mom is almost back to normal (personality-wise), but I feel nothing towards her. We're both home all day, and we rarely talk - when we do, it's small talk about the weather, or what to eat for dinner tonight. I really want the mother-daughter relationship we had when I was a little girl, but I feel like that can never happen now. I feel so awkward around her. I feel like she's forgotten how her alcoholism affected me, and I don't think I can ever get past that. I was a young teenager... such a critical part in my life and for my mother not to be there for me during that time changed me. I'm very insecure, and I was depressed and suicidal myself. I know it's not entirely her fault, but it's hard not to blame her.

I really wanted to get that off my chest. It's hard for me to tell anyone because it seems like most of my friends like to talk more about their own problems than listen to mine.

EDIT: I find myself very lucky, because my boyfriend's father was an alcoholic (not as developed as my mother, his father was more of a "after work drink 12 beers then go to bed" drinker). However, it's hard for me to talk about my mother's alcoholic past in too much depth with him because he lives with me, with my parents, so he sees her all the time and I don't want him to hold a grudge against her for who she is now, you know?

Kialua

Welcome to our group, we are like-minded and have had many similar experiences. It is great that you recognize you need to find a group of people that understand. It is very hard to live with that feeling of being the only one that has had these experiences. We do understand. Some of us have had worse experiences and some of us have had not as bad as you, but it has affected all of us negatively.

Your mother's alcoholism and your father's passiveness has shaped who you are thus far. Who you become now is going to be shaped by you. You are at a great age to dive into your healing and maturing through the Adult Children of Alcoholics literature. There are books, and many online posts that are permanently "stickied" above here. Have you looked into attending any Alanon or such groups? I think it's important to get as much foundation as you can now.

My Dad was an alcoholic who beat us and my Mom was the enabler that let him. He didn't quit drinking till he was incarcerated at 80. I don't think I ever had a relationship with my Mom that I wanted. She never took any responsibility no matter how much I tried to connect with her. That said I did still see her and do my best as a daughter who forgave. But I didn't allow her to treat to me badly anymore. (you can read more of my story if you like in my blog found here under my name to the left)

Is there any way you can move out? It's never good to live with the alcoholic. I left when I was 18 and had a succession of roommates till I got married. But that was me, willing to put up with anything to get out of there.