Struggling with powerlessness as sexual abuse survivor
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Struggling with powerlessness as sexual abuse survivor
I recently started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings, because of my dysfunctional/abusive family of origin. (They say this includes sexual abuse, which is where I fall.) Some parts of their 12-step program seem helpful, others, not so much so. I'd really like to hear the perspective of others....
I'm going to quote a bit from their texts. Quotes are in blue.
Step one, for ACA, is: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Okay, initially, I don't have a problem with this. I was powerless over the abuse. I was powerless to stop it. I didn't cause it, I didn't ask for it, it had to do with them and not me, and so on.
But then the text goes a bit further...
Step One requires that we admit that our family is dysfunctional and the dysfunction affects our thinking and behavior as adults. We must admit that we are powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Our lives are unmanageable regardless of appearances of self-sufficiency...We must realize that will power or self-determination is no match for the effects of growing up in a sick family.
So I don't have a problem with the first part. My father molested me while my mother stood and watched and then said it never happened. Though I'm still somewhat in denial about it/its effects, it's not hard for me to believe that this could have affected my thinking and behavior as an adult! The underlined part, though, is harder for me to stomach. Being told, "You could not have turned out differently," bothers me. I could have turned out differently. Despite the abuse, I did make some good, healthy choices to break the silence, and also to surround myself with people who cared, including surrogate parents of sorts. Psychologist Lillian B. Rubin, in her book The Transcendent Child (which I read when I was about nine and could really relate to), writes, "All too often children who find themselves in this situation spend theri lives knocking on a door that's closed to them. But those who transcend their pasts soon become adept at finding and engaging alternative sources of support. Almost always a surrogate, a mentor, a model, a friend plays an important role in the life of the child- assuaging the loneliness, presenting the possibility of another life, of a different way of being." This I had, and for it I'm forever thankful. It is something I DID, to make my childhood different. Had I chose to not seek surrogate parents, I think the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home would have hit me differently.
Step two, then, is that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I don't like this. I don't believe that I'm powerless over this stuff, nor do I believe that I need anything outside myself to get better.
Powerlessness vs. Learned Helplessness: Many adult children struggle with the notion of powerlessness in Step One since powerlessness is all that many of us have known as children; however, the powerlessness that we describe in ACA is different than the learned helplessness we experienced as children. As children we were overrun by parents who unknowingly taught us to feel helpless or to feel less competent. Some parents accidentally undercut our learning abiliy and suggested we could do nothing right.....Powerlessness in ACA can mean that we were not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults.
Sorry, but it was no ACCIDENT. My father was manipulative and deliberate in all he did. I agree with that last sentence, though.
Before coming to ACA and finding the solution to family dysfunction, adult children do not have a choice. While we had the illusion of choice as adults, what we really practiced before ACA was control.
Tough to swallow, and not sure if I agree int he least. Not that I can't be controlling and that this is a product of my upbringing, but... I don't know, something about this feels "off" to me.
Based on our experiences before ACA, we thought we had made bad choices when in reality we were condemned to repeat the same mistakes of our parents through compulsions or mad dreams of denial.
I don't know that I always buy this, either.
One thing that these sorts of groups do seem to say is something along the lines of take what you need/what works and leave the rest. I have no problem cherry-picking through this stuff, but I want to be able to do SOMETHING meaningful with the first step!
I'm going to quote a bit from their texts. Quotes are in blue.
Step one, for ACA, is: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Okay, initially, I don't have a problem with this. I was powerless over the abuse. I was powerless to stop it. I didn't cause it, I didn't ask for it, it had to do with them and not me, and so on.
But then the text goes a bit further...
Step One requires that we admit that our family is dysfunctional and the dysfunction affects our thinking and behavior as adults. We must admit that we are powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Our lives are unmanageable regardless of appearances of self-sufficiency...We must realize that will power or self-determination is no match for the effects of growing up in a sick family.
So I don't have a problem with the first part. My father molested me while my mother stood and watched and then said it never happened. Though I'm still somewhat in denial about it/its effects, it's not hard for me to believe that this could have affected my thinking and behavior as an adult! The underlined part, though, is harder for me to stomach. Being told, "You could not have turned out differently," bothers me. I could have turned out differently. Despite the abuse, I did make some good, healthy choices to break the silence, and also to surround myself with people who cared, including surrogate parents of sorts. Psychologist Lillian B. Rubin, in her book The Transcendent Child (which I read when I was about nine and could really relate to), writes, "All too often children who find themselves in this situation spend theri lives knocking on a door that's closed to them. But those who transcend their pasts soon become adept at finding and engaging alternative sources of support. Almost always a surrogate, a mentor, a model, a friend plays an important role in the life of the child- assuaging the loneliness, presenting the possibility of another life, of a different way of being." This I had, and for it I'm forever thankful. It is something I DID, to make my childhood different. Had I chose to not seek surrogate parents, I think the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home would have hit me differently.
Step two, then, is that we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I don't like this. I don't believe that I'm powerless over this stuff, nor do I believe that I need anything outside myself to get better.
Powerlessness vs. Learned Helplessness: Many adult children struggle with the notion of powerlessness in Step One since powerlessness is all that many of us have known as children; however, the powerlessness that we describe in ACA is different than the learned helplessness we experienced as children. As children we were overrun by parents who unknowingly taught us to feel helpless or to feel less competent. Some parents accidentally undercut our learning abiliy and suggested we could do nothing right.....Powerlessness in ACA can mean that we were not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults.
Sorry, but it was no ACCIDENT. My father was manipulative and deliberate in all he did. I agree with that last sentence, though.
Before coming to ACA and finding the solution to family dysfunction, adult children do not have a choice. While we had the illusion of choice as adults, what we really practiced before ACA was control.
Tough to swallow, and not sure if I agree int he least. Not that I can't be controlling and that this is a product of my upbringing, but... I don't know, something about this feels "off" to me.
Based on our experiences before ACA, we thought we had made bad choices when in reality we were condemned to repeat the same mistakes of our parents through compulsions or mad dreams of denial.
I don't know that I always buy this, either.
One thing that these sorts of groups do seem to say is something along the lines of take what you need/what works and leave the rest. I have no problem cherry-picking through this stuff, but I want to be able to do SOMETHING meaningful with the first step!
Last edited by DesertEyes; 03-23-2013 at 03:08 PM. Reason: Fixed broken colors
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Ok, maybe my story will help. It was my powerlessness over the laundry list characteristics that I needed to admit in step one.
Meaning, I had both had these characteristics if not every single one to the same terminal extent--AND not been able to keep them from repeatedly wrecking my life despite great efforts to address and resolve them in other ways.
Honestly, it was an easy admission for me. I read that list and felt such relief not to be alone with that stuff any more even if it was kind of creepy to be so revealed.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Meaning, I had both had these characteristics if not every single one to the same terminal extent--AND not been able to keep them from repeatedly wrecking my life despite great efforts to address and resolve them in other ways.
Honestly, it was an easy admission for me. I read that list and felt such relief not to be alone with that stuff any more even if it was kind of creepy to be so revealed.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Control applies at it relates to others. We can only control ourselves.
For example; We can ask a person to do something us, they can choose to, or not. Just as we can do things for them, or not, it is our choice. If we do someting for them, then expect them to 'return the favor' and get angry when they don't, we are using that emotional reaction to try and shame or guilt them into doing something for us. That would be controlling.
The ACA group I've been attending for about six months now has around 20 people that come regularly. I'm getting to know thier stories. Each background is different. A few are similar, but the variety is amazing. There are those who were sexually abused, some physically, others emotionally. Yet with all that variety, we all share the traits. Not everyone identifies with every trait and not each to the same degree. But the fact we all identify with most of the traits, and can describe self defeating behaviors that we each do is more than interesting. It points to the fact that no matter exactly how the dysfunction manifested itself as we were growing up, we share some common after effects.
One of the ladies in the group was sexually abused. Multiple times by multiple family members. No protection at all from her mother, who was in complete denial about it and physically abused her when she tried to expose her abusers. Her story is extremely powerful. She escaped that situation in her mid teens, but then bounced around from bad relationship to bad relationship for a while. Eventually she started to realize that she needed to change. It was only as she started to wrestle with the past, she discovered the impact on her present.
A word of advice, find a good therapist to work with while starting out. She knew these things about her past, but was not prepared for the emotions that came flooding in as she reflected on it and started to verbalize her story. She went through very severe post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She was on anti-depressents for a few years, but eventually was able to ween off of them.
It was not easy for her. But she says that she wouldn't want to go back to before. She seemed okay on the outside, but had a lot of inner turmoil below the surface. She would reject anything that threatened to bring that turmoil toward the surface. She is not 'fully' healed, she thinks she may never be. Given her story I can see how that might be. It's a pretty painful thing for anyone to go through. But she does claim to have calmed that turmoil. She now owns that pain, and understands it. She controls it, it doesn't control her.
Only you can really decide what's right for you. You know your own story better than anyone ever will. If the traits resonate with you, then ACA might be helpful. The steps are the tool we use to change things in our life that we don't like, and identify things we do. So, look at the problem and the solution. If that part seems helpful to you, then you can adapt the steps anyway you see fit. They are not ridgid, just a tool.
For example; We can ask a person to do something us, they can choose to, or not. Just as we can do things for them, or not, it is our choice. If we do someting for them, then expect them to 'return the favor' and get angry when they don't, we are using that emotional reaction to try and shame or guilt them into doing something for us. That would be controlling.
The ACA group I've been attending for about six months now has around 20 people that come regularly. I'm getting to know thier stories. Each background is different. A few are similar, but the variety is amazing. There are those who were sexually abused, some physically, others emotionally. Yet with all that variety, we all share the traits. Not everyone identifies with every trait and not each to the same degree. But the fact we all identify with most of the traits, and can describe self defeating behaviors that we each do is more than interesting. It points to the fact that no matter exactly how the dysfunction manifested itself as we were growing up, we share some common after effects.
One of the ladies in the group was sexually abused. Multiple times by multiple family members. No protection at all from her mother, who was in complete denial about it and physically abused her when she tried to expose her abusers. Her story is extremely powerful. She escaped that situation in her mid teens, but then bounced around from bad relationship to bad relationship for a while. Eventually she started to realize that she needed to change. It was only as she started to wrestle with the past, she discovered the impact on her present.
A word of advice, find a good therapist to work with while starting out. She knew these things about her past, but was not prepared for the emotions that came flooding in as she reflected on it and started to verbalize her story. She went through very severe post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She was on anti-depressents for a few years, but eventually was able to ween off of them.
It was not easy for her. But she says that she wouldn't want to go back to before. She seemed okay on the outside, but had a lot of inner turmoil below the surface. She would reject anything that threatened to bring that turmoil toward the surface. She is not 'fully' healed, she thinks she may never be. Given her story I can see how that might be. It's a pretty painful thing for anyone to go through. But she does claim to have calmed that turmoil. She now owns that pain, and understands it. She controls it, it doesn't control her.
Only you can really decide what's right for you. You know your own story better than anyone ever will. If the traits resonate with you, then ACA might be helpful. The steps are the tool we use to change things in our life that we don't like, and identify things we do. So, look at the problem and the solution. If that part seems helpful to you, then you can adapt the steps anyway you see fit. They are not ridgid, just a tool.
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