DghtrOfAlc

My mom has been an active alcoholic since I was about 10/11 (I'm almost 30 now). I have learned from my Dad that towards the end of their marriage, she was drinking heavily but at that time she stopped once they went their separate ways. Here is a summary of some of the things that have occurred over the years:

*Inviting random guys over that she met on the internet and having sex with them with my younger sister and I in the house

*Lied to family and her friends about my actions or calling me names to them. "Bitch" being her favorite one. Keep in mind I was 13-15 when this was going on. I'm sure it continued, but I wasn't around to know about it.

*When my step-father molested me, they fought but she forced me to give him a hug the same day I told her and would later leave me alone with him while she went out to party with her internet friends. They did not divorce until several years later and it sure as hell wasn't b/c of what he did to me.

*Would drink from morning until night until she was beliggerant (sp?) and falling over. This is when all of these other actions would normally occur.

*Dragged me with her to a "friend's" house when I had finals at school and refused to take me to school. Thankfully, my bf's mom came and picked me up, let me stay with them for the week and took me to school every day.

*Woud lie to me about what other people said so that I would feel like no one wanted me around.

*As I got older, she would call and get mad at me for seemingly no reason and just yell and yell until I had to hang up on her.

*Drove 18 hours to see her first grandchild and was hammered the entire time she was there, including when she first got out of the car and fell on the hood.

You get the picture....things like this and just the stupid, angry and ridiculous behavior that goes along with alcoholics. Since I've been an adult there have been periodic time periods where her and I have been able to get along and I even catch glimpses of the mom I had when I was little. This never lasts long though.

Recently, she was going through a divorce and her and I began to talk every single day. We talked about her drinking, how it made me feel and things were the best they had ever been. I drove to see her in late November (only 2 hr drive) and had a great time with her, my sister, grandparents and my husband and kids. I have not heard a word from her since then. She will not answer or return my phone calls or text messages. She didn't even call me back on Christmas! My sister says that she's getting really bad again but yet she can make the effort to call my grandparents, her sisters, etc. Just not her own daughter.

I am so tired of the ups and downs and don't think I can handle it anymore. I get my hopes up every time even knowing what's always happened just to be hurt and disappointed once again. This time, I'm seriously thinking about cutting her out of my life completely unless she starts to get help and is willing to go to counseling with me. Even if she were to miraculously stop drinking I could never look at her the same without resolving everything that has happened between us since she began drinking.

I know that my almost everyone in my family would understand except for my grandparents. I hate to disappoint them but I just can't emotionally handle it anymore (they believe that your parents are your parents and you should always forgive them). I know that no one can tell me if my decision is wrong or right but I suppose I'm looking for some affirmation that I'm not a complete monster and that there is at least some justified reasoning in my decision.

I don't know anyone else in my life who has been through a similar situation so I have no one to talk to who can truly understand, except my sister and I try to keep our mom from being the focal point of every conversation we have.

dollydo

My mother is the main alcoholic in my life, she is 87, has been drinking for over 66 years, everyday, hard stuff, starts in the am, drinks until she conks out. She is a miserable, abusive person. I am no contact with her for the 4th time in my adult life, once for 10 years, the happiest most peaceful time of my life, I am now heading in the same direction.
It was her or me, I chose me.

I cannot tell you what to do, all I can say is.... put your husband and your children first, live your life, there is nothing that you can do for her.

Reading the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums have been of help to me. Plus Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and other books written about children of alcoholics.

You are not alone, we are here for you. Keep posting, it will help.

Kialua

The constant stress that pops up all the time, wondering is they are really alright or not. I know the feeling. My Dad drank till he was 80 and incarcerated. The biggest sigh of my life when that happened. No more wondering. I'm sorry you haven't arrived at that sigh yet, but it's not our timeline, it's theirs. I agree with reading the stickies. Reading around the forum here you will quickly see you are not alone. Yes take care of your family first.

NWGRITS

My mother is also the A in my life. She's 66, I'm 29, and she's been an A for 35 years. You do the math. It's hard to be on that merry-go-round, but I can tell you that choosing to get off it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I've been No Contact with my mom since July. I tried patching things up in late October when my youngest was born, but it didn't last long at all. Talking to her again only reaffirmed that I made the right decision by establishing boundaries for myself and my kids.

You say you want her to go to counseling with you. Are you currently in counseling for yourself? Is she in counseling for herself? Your recovery and her recovery are two separate things, and should remain as such. What you're in right now is the same as what almost all of us have been in at some time or another, which is enmeshment. Try to extricate yourself and do things to get on the road to your recovery, completely independent of what she does or doesn't do. I know it's hard. I've been fighting this battle my entire life, and I'm finally getting to a point where I feel like an individual and not like an extension of my mother and our family dysfunction.

Keep posting because we're here for you!

DghtrOfAlc

My husband and I go to counseling together and she has come up from time to time. Last time I mentioned that I had decided to cut off contact the counselor did say that she thought it would be good for me. I want to try and go in separately to see our counselor and talk to her about it. In a way it is less stressful to not be in contact but now I'm waiting for the day that she and my grandparents realize that I've cut her off. I'm not exactly walking around advertising that but when she DOES try to eventually contact me, I don't plan on answering or returning her call.

NWGRITS

It's hard at first, but then the peace and quiet sets in you realize that you aren't bound to anyone. You aren't required to answer the phone because anyone else wants you to. You don't owe explanations or reasoning or anything to anyone but yourself. It sounds selfish because it is, and it's high time we all started taking care of ourselves instead of giving endlessly to our A's (for little in return). Once you've had some distance you can further analyze your situation. You'll tweak some things and adjust your thinking a bit, but the goal is to do what is healthiest for you and your family.

VickiACA

DghtrOfAlc,

Have you tried al-anon? IME opinion there is a lot of baggage that comes from being the children of alcoholics. No contact might be appropriate for you. I think it's just one piece of the pie.

Best wishes.
Vicki

DghtrOfAlc

So after approximately 4 months of not hearing a single word from my mom, including the return of my calls and texts to her (this included her birthday and christmas), I suddenly get a call from her yesterday. She wasn't drunk but I could tell she had been drinking. My sister finally moved out on Friday and on Sunday my mom leaves me a voicemail asking what I'm doing for Easter. A little too convenient for me to even remotely think its genuinely because she missed me and wanted to see me. I already had plans to cut off contact but there was no need to announce it to her or anyone else in the family since she wasn't communicating with me anyways. Now, I need to address it because I don't want to just ignore her calls like she did mine. I'm not going to call her back because she will just talk over me the whole time, yelling, etc. I'm going to send her a letter...whether she reads it and actually comprehends it is up to her. Please let me know what you think.

"Mom,

I know you will probably disagree with me and get upset - even angry but this is something I have to do for me. You have a drinking problem even if you're not ready to admit it. It's been a huge part of the reason you and I don't have the type of mother/daughter relationship we both probably wish we did. It's been a constant factor for almost as long as I can remember (11/12 yrs old). I know you have felt like I chose others over you at times. It's never been about that, it's had to do with me choosing a more stable and alcohol-free environment to be in.

I feel like there is a cycle with us where we're talking and getting along and then something happens and it stops. This last time in Oct/Nov was the best we've gotten along and the closest we've been as long as I can remember. I don't know what happened but after my last visit out there, I didn't hear from you again until yesterday. I tried calling and texting you but never got a response. Even on your birthday or christmas!

I have no communicaiton with you for all that time and then you decided to finally call 2 days after XXX (sister) leaves? Why now? Why not any of the times I called you? You didn't want to talk to me or your grandkids on Christmas? I tried reaching out several times and never got a response. Yet you had the desire to call me less than 48 hours after you're alone.

I was so happy to have my old mom back. I was telling everyone how glad I was about us talking all the time and getting along great. Then it just stopped with no warning or explanation.

I've hit my breaking point. I can't keep getting my hopes up just to be sad and upset once again when the drinking picks up or communication stops. I love you so much and want my mom back that I remember from before the heavy drinking started. When/if you're willing to get help for your drinking and go to counseling with me, let me know. Until then, I have to completely separate myself from you. Once you realize that there is a problem and are ready to get help, I'll be right there beside you. I'll drive there every other weekend to go to counseling together and do whatever I can to support you. Please don't assume that I don't care because I do, very much. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hurt by all this. I idolized you as a little girl and I want at least part of that person back in my life.

If you ever decide you're willing to get help and go with me to work on our relationship, PLEASE call me.

I Love You!!

I pray every night for you and for us to have a healthy relationship."

Kialua

Wow, long time to not hear from her. Nice letter. Who knows if she will read it or not. Let us know how it goes.

Reedling

Don't send it until you have a plan for handling her various possible responses from silence to belligerence and scapegoating. You will need to take good care of yourself I think.

DghtrOfAlc

Unfortunately, I'll just have to ignore all of her calls. There is no reasoning with her so picking up the phone just isn't going to accomplish a darn thing. Thankfully she lives far enough away that I don't have to worry about her showing up at my doorstep either.

Belligerence has always been her reaction to everything and several people in my family that I've talked to support me so I'm not too worried about what she says to other people...they know the truth.

mia82

I think that letters can be a good form of communication, because for me, I tend to react on impulse e.g. call her up and scream her ears off because I'm so mad, then saying things that I might regret later on or even having regrets for not saying what I really should have. So, I think your letter is a good way to talk to her.
I bet you anything it will hit her hard, that is..the truth will hurt her, and she might have a drink or so to get over it and there goes the importance of your letter. [I'm thinking back to my father and what' i'd expect him to do]....
What do you tell your kids about grandma not seeing them for holidays?

DghtrOfAlc

Exactly! It turns into a yelling match and nothing of value is said. I can guarantee you she will drink if she isn't drunk to begin with but that's her choice, not mine.
Sadly, my kids won't even notice. I always have to use my sister or my own gparents as a reference when I try to explain who we're seeing, who the gifts are from, etc.

DghtrOfAlc

Well, she says she never got a letter so I have a feeling that it's sitting unopened in a big stack of mail that's never going to get looked at (she would definitely let me know if she had read it). So I had to give her the short version of what it said today. At first she acted all confused like she had no idea what I was talking about. She kept asking "what?" Then it was "I don't have a drinking problem"

Then, I'm guessing she thought about it, had a beer or two and then texted me "U know what where do you get off trashing me u have no idea what i'm dealing with right now and u had everything u ever wanted" So I guess that's it. I got my message across to her, she can do with it what she wants. She'll realize I'm serious when she calms down, tries to call me and I don't pick up....ever.

Sadly, she thinks because we were comfortable financially, that's all I ever needed. I needed a mom and could have cared less about the house, toys, etc. I needed someone who would stand up for their 13 yr old when her own husband tried to mess with her daughter instead of just having a fight and then sweeping it under the rug (that's obviously the major incident that I haven't been able to forgive her for). I could go on for days about everything that she ever said or did and she would tell me it was all a lie. Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other (well, everything except the part where I say she has a drinking problem...that one gets a response.).

I do feel better though. Now I know I've told her how I feel. Even if she's mad at me, it's out there and I can ignore her phone calls without feeling guilty that she has no idea why. I have absolutely no obligation to her anymore unless she suddenly realizes she does have a drinking problem and wants to get help - but I won't hold my breath on that one.

Kialua

Yeah, "I don't have a drinking problem" typical. It can be a slow journey for some of our parents. Mine took till 80 years old. But you are on your journey to emotional health too so hang in there and keep working on letting go.