My af, My Son
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My af, My Son
Those who have been here awhile know some of the background of my oldest living for two years with my parents. DS likely has asperger's, but AF let the world and me know that all his problems in life are my fault, what a lousy parent I am and how I'm destroying DS's life.
When AF couldn't 'fix' him, he called DS a failure and kicked him out. DS recently had an accident in his car, on which AF holds the loan. AF decided he didn't like DS's bank, with whom DS and DS's father had co-signed a loan, so AF announced he was paying it off and DS could now pay the loan to him, with interest of course.
So now DS is off to make his monthly payment and told me he'll tell AF about the accident and AF will tell him he's a failure again, but it's okay, he's planned his bus schedule such that he can say he needs to leave quickly. I pointed out to him that this is a business deal, yes, DS made a mistake, but frankly, it's a mistake that is not impacting AF in any way at all. He still gets his money. The car is not in his garage. He's not helping get DS to work. And it does no good to constantly tell someone they're a failure. Rather...let's work out some solutions to move forward.
DS defended his grandfather, explaining maybe he's a little bit harsh, but that's just his thing, he really cares about his family, look at the way he's always helping everyone out financially. I said yes, and teaching everyone they can't manage on their own without him...and his help comes at a cost of sitting and taking his abuse and dancing to his tune. I told DS AF has his hands in lots of people's finances, and wants his adult children to set up joint bank accounts with him--with THEIR money, that he now has access to, never them having access to HIS money.
I told him when people are subjected to the 'You're a failure' message over and over, they often come to believe it.
So...he continued to defend his grandfather. I let it rest. He's unhappy. I'm frustrated. I've said what I have to say and realize I have no more control over it. But I hate knowing that AF is now passing on the 'You're a screw-up, you're a loser, you're a failure' message to my son. He played this game with me, holding the 'quit being a screw-up' and 'I don't like you' over my head all my life. I walked away from it repeatedly. Literally moving across the country to get away from him. Till this last time, I was through, entirely. I see ways in which it has hurt my family--for instance a child currently being evaluated for autism, and I believe I would have seen the NEED for that evaluation much sooner had I not been battered with my parents' message that I'm just a lousy parent.
I HATE HATE HATE to think that my son is going to allow the same thing to be done to him, and the damage it will do. I hate knowing there's not much more I can do about it. I hate the fact that this man is in his 70s and going to go to his grave treating people like this, still thinking he is better and smarter than anyone around him and has never yet been wrong, all while leaving a trail of destruction.
No plea for help here. Just venting to those who can understand.
When AF couldn't 'fix' him, he called DS a failure and kicked him out. DS recently had an accident in his car, on which AF holds the loan. AF decided he didn't like DS's bank, with whom DS and DS's father had co-signed a loan, so AF announced he was paying it off and DS could now pay the loan to him, with interest of course.
So now DS is off to make his monthly payment and told me he'll tell AF about the accident and AF will tell him he's a failure again, but it's okay, he's planned his bus schedule such that he can say he needs to leave quickly. I pointed out to him that this is a business deal, yes, DS made a mistake, but frankly, it's a mistake that is not impacting AF in any way at all. He still gets his money. The car is not in his garage. He's not helping get DS to work. And it does no good to constantly tell someone they're a failure. Rather...let's work out some solutions to move forward.
DS defended his grandfather, explaining maybe he's a little bit harsh, but that's just his thing, he really cares about his family, look at the way he's always helping everyone out financially. I said yes, and teaching everyone they can't manage on their own without him...and his help comes at a cost of sitting and taking his abuse and dancing to his tune. I told DS AF has his hands in lots of people's finances, and wants his adult children to set up joint bank accounts with him--with THEIR money, that he now has access to, never them having access to HIS money.
I told him when people are subjected to the 'You're a failure' message over and over, they often come to believe it.
So...he continued to defend his grandfather. I let it rest. He's unhappy. I'm frustrated. I've said what I have to say and realize I have no more control over it. But I hate knowing that AF is now passing on the 'You're a screw-up, you're a loser, you're a failure' message to my son. He played this game with me, holding the 'quit being a screw-up' and 'I don't like you' over my head all my life. I walked away from it repeatedly. Literally moving across the country to get away from him. Till this last time, I was through, entirely. I see ways in which it has hurt my family--for instance a child currently being evaluated for autism, and I believe I would have seen the NEED for that evaluation much sooner had I not been battered with my parents' message that I'm just a lousy parent.
I HATE HATE HATE to think that my son is going to allow the same thing to be done to him, and the damage it will do. I hate knowing there's not much more I can do about it. I hate the fact that this man is in his 70s and going to go to his grave treating people like this, still thinking he is better and smarter than anyone around him and has never yet been wrong, all while leaving a trail of destruction.
No plea for help here. Just venting to those who can understand.
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