Intrepid

My only wish for my mother is for her to leave me and my family (my husband and children) alone. I want nothing to do with her, because she is a completely toxic, dangerous person.

When I first cut contact with her, she continued to send gifts in the mail to my children. I allowed this, out of guilt. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I owed her nothing, and I stopped accepting the gifts, because I don't want to encourage any kind of relationship between her and my children. Then she started ordering magazine subscriptions for the kids. Again, I allowed it for awhile, and then made the same decision as with the gifts, and cancelled the subscriptions. Today she re-subscribed to the magazines.

First, am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am, but I am open to feedback. Second, what is the best way to handle this? Cancel the subscription? Throw the magazines in the recycling bin when they come in the mail? Send an email to my mom telling her not to do this again?

The reason this irks me so much is because I've made my feelings and desires clear, but my mom feels that she is entitled to have a connection with my kids. She also has these crazy delusions about having a relationship with them telepathically (she actually believes this). I don't want to feed her - at all. I also don't want the constant reminder of her in my mailbox. I just want to be left alone.

I feel silly for my feelings of anger and resentment about this situation. My entire life, my mom never showed me any respect or consideration, and this echoes that recurring theme in our "relationship." It seems insignificant, but I am sick and tired of her pushing the boundary, even if it's just the shadow of her toe over the line in the sand. I feel like I should grow up about this situation, but not sure where to begin.

dollydo

I am no contact with my mother, will be one year next month. Third time in my adult life, once for 10 years.

IMO, my mother doesn't really care about me or any other member of the family, it is all a show, for her...life is a stage...and she is the star.

I can't tell you what to do, however, I do understand, all I want my mother to do...is leave me alone.

Kialua

This is pretty scary. I guess I understand your concern. Monitor what you can. She will always be your mother and always pulling something. It will probably never stop. Hoping for it to go away probably isn't the best way to deal with it. I don't know what is the best way but being more realistic to start might help. Develop a plan on how you will handle the inevitable intrusions, telling yourself that this will not throw you. Working on your reaction is far more valuable. I hope you don't think I am coming down on you but I really understand.

Intrepid

This makes a lot of sense. I never viewed my mom's shenanigans from this perspective. She doesn't genuinely care for anyone, including my kids. It's all about appearances, and relationships are about her seeking gratification (without reciprocating).

I think my mom is creating a situation that will give her the attention she craves. She tries to give my kids gifts, and she can use it to fulfill her need for attention. She's either the heroic grandma who will never give up, or she's the poor victim whose awful daughter won't let her give gifts to her grandchildren. Two of my mom's favorite activities are bragging about how wonderful she is, and garnering sympathy for being a helpless, innocent victim.

Thanks for your insight. You are right, and have given me something to really think about.... Yes, I do need to face reality instead of simply wishing for her to leave me alone. It's a waste of energy to get upset when my mother behaves predictably.

EveningRose

This especially, but everything you said about your mother, makes me think they're twins, perhaps even the same person. My heart goes out to you. I think you responded on my thread, with much the same issue. I also don't know the answer. How old are your kids?

Intrepid

Thanks EveningRose. It always helps to know that there are others who can understand, even though I wouldn't wish that particular understanding on anyone, ever. My kids are 5 and 3. I have struggled a lot on what to do with my mom in relation to them. I know that my mom is not capable of anything other than a divisive, manipulative relationship with them (or anyone for that matter). On one hand, I have thought "what is the big deal if she sends them gifts." Seems like it could be a win / win all around. However, I think the message to my kids as they grow would be confusing. I have no intentions of speaking negatively about my mother to my children, because nothing good would come of it. As another poster said in a previous thread, it's not their burden to carry. However, I can't bring myself to encourage any kind of connection between my mom and my kids. I don't trust my mom further than I could throw her. She has a violent, criminal history, and has no concern for the feelings or rights of others - especially anyone who she perceives to be less powerful than her.

Kialua

This too is very scary. Be very careful with this. Distance is probably the best answer. I'm so sorry for this. But you need to think of your kids safety. I guess expect the worst from her and act accordingly.

EveningRose

I can see where it would be. She portrays herself as the loving gift-giving grandmother, but you won't let her near them...yes, confusing. Especially if you're also holding your tongue about the negative aspects.

I find that both wise and kind. I so wish someone had told MY mother that. (She spent our childhoods trying to make sure we hated our grandmother as much as she did.)


Given a violent and criminal history, you have every reason in the world to keep them away from her. It's a little harder for me to explain keeping my children away from the lovely old lady who cleans the church linens!

How far away do you live?

Intrepid

I can see how it's difficult to explain when your mom puts up such a facade. My mom does the same thing. Most people who know her don't have any clue about her true nature. She reserves her worst behavior for family. She has a million masks, and is good at wearing every one of them, including that of "church lady." She has a big rosary dangling from her rear view mirror and she puts on a good pious act. Her husband is even an ordained minister (from an unaccredited online course, but they tend to leave that part out).

Right now, we live very close to my mother unfortunately. We will be moving 2000 miles away in the near future. This actually led to a disturbing, yet unsurprising thought earlier this evening. It was eating away at me a little bit as to "why now?" Why would my mother subscribe to a magazine for my children now? I've cancelled the subscriptions in the past, and usually she does this kind of thing around birthdays or Christmas. Now, however, seemed to be an odd time. Then I realized.... If we have a magazine coming in the mail every month, and then we move, we would be likely to update our mailing address with the magazine publisher. She could then likely access our new address with a phone call to the magazine, or possibly online, since she's the one who paid for the subscription. My mom is very sneaky, thinks she is very clever, and believes that everyone else is an idiot, so it wouldn't surprise me if this was her thinking or intention. Pure speculation of course, but knowing her as well as I do, it makes sense.

What did you end up deciding to do with the situation with your mom trying to bypass you to access your kids? Hope everything is going okay for you.

Intrepid

Thank you Kialua. I agree that distance is best. Our move date can't come fast enough. Trying to keep a level head. This forum helps a lot.

EveningRose

Oh, yes, my mother says her Rosary every day, as far as I know. I had a very embarrassing incident at the bank last summer where the teller recognized my last name (it's quite unusual) and started telling me about this other customer with the same name. I started to say, "That's my mother," when she said, "She's so bubbly and cheerful!" I said, "Oh...I must be wrong. No, that's not my mother." Then all of a sudden, the teller remembered her first name and said it, and I said, "Oh...it is." We were BOTH a little embarrassed.

Except....I was really more embarrassed for having put the teller into this awkward position of not knowing what to say. I had not spoken maliciously AT ALL, and I figured if my mother was the same person everywhere--if she had treated me as well as she treated strangers at the bank--it wouldn't have happened. It's her own darn fault if my automatic response to 'She's so bubbly and cheerful' was that, amazingly there must be someone else with the same last name.

I read that comment years ago about how we tend to treat strangers better than our own family, and started making a great effort to treat my family at least as well as I would treat a stranger.

Whether she thought of this or not, you're probably right about it and smart to avoid the issue.

Thanks. After sleeping on it and talking to a friend, I addressed it with all the minor children and told them that as long as they're minors, they don't disappear with other people without my knowledge and permission, ever. They don't invite people into my home without my knowledge or permission. I stressed that I have told them their grandparents may come over to bring gifts, but that didn't mean behind my back, and I believe I told them that their grandparents' behavior is teaching them that it's acceptable to lie to their mother and go behind my back, and that's totally unacceptable. I told them if they come to me, problem solved; if things continue to happen behind my back, I'll take further action.

I continue to work on getting the house into better shape, in part so I stand a better chance of selling if I want to put it on the market and move. Like you, I live very close to my parents right now. How I wish I could pack up and move 2,000 miles away! When do you leave?

Intrepid

Glad to hear that you found an effective way to handle the situation with your mom and kids. I could easily see my mom trying a similar approach. I always found it fascinating that she thinks she can treat me like dirt, and then expects that I will have no problem with her being in my kids' lives. She has this attitude of "fine, we don't need to have a relationship, but I deserve a relationship with the grandchildren." Not that she and I need to have a perfect relationship, but after years of abuse and toxic behavior, she needs to demonstrate to me that she is capable of having a healthy relationship with another person before I would allow her into my kids' lives. She needs to stop being sneaky, manipulative, divisive, and she needs to stop telling lies! I'm not holding my breath.

It's difficult living close to toxic parents. We wanted to move a long time ago - pretty much when my mom started to not leave us alone after my first child was born. It's taken us years to get into a position where we are able to move. It's still not the most ideal time, but my husband was offered a great job in him home town. We are very close with his family, so we couldn't pass up the opportunity.

EveningRose

YES!!! Exactly! This is just what my parents and siblings have all done! I keep wondering: at the age of 70+, has my mother not yet figured out that when you badmouth people often enough, it gets back to them??? And with 70+ years of living under her belt, she has not yet figured out that when that kind of stuff gets back to them often enough, along with all the rest, it WILL damage your relationship?

But she has her story in her mind. I'm 'stubborn.' That's the problem. That's been the problem since I was two years old. So she doesn't have to look any further, certainly not at her own behavior, for any explanation as to why she and I have no relationship. Therefore, she's still entitled to a relationship with my kids, even though I'm 'just being stubborn.'



I'm so glad that you've got the opportunity! Here's to a more peaceful future! How are his parents?

NWGRITS

I had to check and see if I've been sleep-posting and created a new account on here. You have my mother, too!!! I'd like to pick your brain a bit, as I've been dealing with this problem as well.

AtATotalLoss

Intrepid - you can be a momma bear here. I don't have kids yet, but I know for me that no one gets to mess with the kids if I have doubts about their motives. No one. I don't care if it is a grandparent. I've followed your posts for a while and your mom sounds like a person I would not want anywhere near small kids. I don't think you are being silly at all to cancel the subscriptions and keep her away from your kids. Also great that you will make the effort not to bad mouth her or speak negatively of her. You're doing the right thing separating your kidlets from it.

Kialua

Either cancel the subscription or send the magazine a change of address to the local library or childrens home.

Intrepid

EveningRose - it's amazing how our mothers have never been able to gain insight. It's sad, actually. Your mom blames you by saying that you're stubborn. My mom does the same kind of blaming with me. No matter what though, the problem is not with her. My husband's parents are great. They are normal. Such a blessing.

Haha, well, maybe we are long lost siblings! It's amazing how many similar experiences there are on this forum. Validating to say the least! Let's pick each other's brains, compare notes, etc. It's always great to find someone who can understand this insanity.

Thank you for your supportive and kind words, AtATotalLoss. It's crazy that my mom has brought out my momma bear instincts more than anyone else in my kids' lives. Sad, but I'm glad to be listening to those instincts instead of ignoring them like I did for the first 30 years of my life.

Thanks Kialua. I did cancel the subscription, but I love your idea of forwarding the magazine. If she tries subscribing again, that is exactly what I will do.

NWGRITS

People who don't know anything about living with an alcoholic pretty much take the "She's your mother!" route, like "Oh, just sweep it under the rug. It'll be better for everyone that way." I love having people here who really get it, and understand why I can't let my kids be exposed to it.

noanxtime

If it wasn't true, it would be almost funny. My mom has been gone a long time and while she did a few strange things when she was alive, certainly none of them had the sinister undertones your mother's 'antics' have.
FYI - I worked a long time ago at a place that processed thousands of magazine transactions, bill paying, address changes etc. I would imagine much of this has long been outsourced but here is my suggestion, I would not cancel the magazine but rather have the address changed to a children's hospital or other type of place that could use the magazines and would have no real idea or care where they came from.
You kids are young enough not to quite get what is going on, but that won't last much longer and getting far away will be for the best.

Intrepid

I think it's impossible for people from more normal families to understand what it's like to grow up in an environment of addiction. A woman I used to know ended our friendship when she found out that my mom was not in my life. Her mom died in a car crash when she was three, and she told me that she would rather have a bad mom than no mom at all. She was very angry with me, and even though her father had abused her, she could not understand why I would cut my mother out of my life.

I know what you mean about protecting your kids. I feel fiercely protective of my little ones. I don't want them around any of that nonsense.