EveningRose

Was her father in her life?

I saw a discussion on a forum much like what you're describing, in which some people insisted that no one should ever walk away from family members: her brother died and she missed him terribly even though they'd had fights as children and even into their twenties. Shecould go back and spend more time with him. Therefore, everyone should be involved in their family's lives. Because obviously everybody will miss their family members when they die.

I thought about it, and realized I didn't miss my siblings when I lived across the country. I haven't missed them since going no contact. There wasn't much of a relationship there, to begin with, even though we all pretended there was. I miss my parents even less and feel I'm a better mother and better able to love and care for my children since going no contact.

Intrepid

I feel the exact same way about my family. I don't miss them at all. I have thought a lot about whether I will have regrets when my mom dies. No, I don't think that I will. My life is much better without my mom, and most of my family of origin. It's happier, more peaceful, healthier, easier, etc.

As for the friend with the abusive father, yes her father was in her life at the time. She cut contact with him for some time after running away from home as a teenager. They eventually reconnected, but it was a tumultuous relationship with a lot of fighting, threats, and other dysfunction. I think for some people, cutting contact with family is unthinkable. That's how it is in my family. My grandmother treats her children horribly, but none of them would ever stand up to her, much less cut contact with her. Most extended family cut contact with my grandmother years ago, but her adult children remain terribly enmeshed.

Jur123

I have very little contact with my sisters since I moved to a different town and I don't miss them at all. I don't think they miss me either.
It's annoying when people say things like "you should be close just because you are sisters". I have a few extended family members who still guilt trip me if I mention that I'm not close to my sisters. The same way they did when I used to tell the truth about my mom's behaviour. That's the reason I avoid some of them or don't talk about my sisters & my mom. However, they still make me feel guilty.

Kialua

You have to expect that from people that don't understand. It will become easier. I don't have a relationship with my sisters at all but they don't have one with each other either. I often wonder how they handle it when others comment. I think they do the same as me. I just tell people what I want and don't go into it. I refer to my sisters from time to time when subjects are similar, like my sister does that, she is a great golfer. But no specifics. You don't have to be an open book, and you don't have to lie either. Just be wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove.

EveningRose

My siblings are all over each others' facebook--the most I know of whether they socialize. So they have their story: I'm the problem child as I've always been. oh, well.

sailor1960

My mother was the codependent to my alcoholic dad (who is now deceased), but her codependency and general dysfunction grew worse with time- even after he died. I too had to finally distance myself from her and her manipulations. This in a society where we are told to honor our parents no matter what. My mother allowed violence to be committed in her home in front of her children and then told those children to deal with it and suck it up, because daddy brought home the bacon, so to speak. That does not deserve honor nor credit of any kind. I am in my 50's and just now beginning to do the hard work of healing, after masking my grief and fear in years of an antidepressant haze. So don't beat yourself up. You deserve peace and you are under no obligation to participate in someone else's insanity.

PS- to add, if you are on Facebook you may want to block her account or even deactivate your account. My mother was always checking up on me via mutual friends so even after I blocked her, she was aware of my business. No Facebook, no snooping. Problem solved in that regard.

DghtrOfAlc

I've heard that so many times and it is so frustrating. Even if I try and explain the reasons I feel the way I do, it's as if they feel that since she is my mother, I am obligated to forgive and forget anything she does.

Kialua

While we may forgive it doesn't dilute what they did, and we don't put our kids in harm's way by having an active alcoholic in their lives. Don't bother explaining your reasons to anyone who doesn't understand, you don't owe anyone any explanations. Just smile and thank them kindly for their concern, then do what you need to do. We get it, we understand.