Jur123

It's very easy to make me feel guilty especially when I know I've done something wrong. I'm not talking about the normal guilt. I'm talking when you ruminate about that for hours and it puts you in a very dark place in your mind. A few years ago my cousin told me that once I spit on my sister when I was a teenager (my sis is 5 years younger then me). She has Aspergers sindrome which was diagnosed only a couple of years ago when she was 27. Beside that she was agoraphobic for 2 years and wouldn't leave the house. I started to feel extreamaly guilty about that that I contributed to her agoraphobia somehow. I knew in my mind that it's my mother to blame that she was always telling my sister how worthless she is, calling her different names and putting loads of other psichological & emotional stuff on her, however in my heart I was blaming myslef that I wasn't a good sister. I don't feel guilty about that anymore as my sister leads a happy life now and I think that's what helpped me to overcome the guilt.
However there is one other occasion then I unintentionally deeply hurt other person when I was in a dark place in my life and I can't shake off the guilt. I know other people who did the same thing that I did and they say they don't feel so much guilt. I appologized to that person like a thousand times, but still very often ruminate about that.
Even in small things I usually feel guilty. My aunt is now in a nusing home and I call her once a week. She is usually sad and after our conversations I usually feel guilty that I didn't manage to cheer her up.

Windancer

You remind me of me. I call this kind of thing "people pleasing". I try and not make other peoples problems my own. All you can do is try your best but at the end of the day you have your own issues to deal with, just as everyone else has their own. Really try NOT to take ownership of others issues....take ownership of your own.

kudzujean

I don't know, but it's real easy to make me feel guilty, and I feel guilty over things that I have no logical reason to feel guilty about.

I was hoping somebody would have posted something here about how to get out of that.

Kialua

Well I don't know about you but when you're raised with everything being your fault it is only normal to subconsciously own any failure and pile on the guilt:

• When my alcoholic dad was in another room working on something and dropped the hammer or bumped himself he would angrily find me and go in a rage beating me for it. huh?
• When my mother was sick, (proven hypochondriac) it was because I wasn't being nice enough to her, and that she was probably going to be dead next year. huh?
• When anyone needed a babysitter I was TOLD I had to sit the nephews and nieces, never asked. It was my fault if they couldn't go out and do what THEY wanted to do. What I wanted to do didn't figure into any equation. huh?
• When you're told you are lying and not where you really were, Brownies meeting, etc., even when the enabler Mom KNOWS you were there and you are still blamed for ruining the once in a lifetime family outing by not being there. huh?

I could go on all night. Get the picture?

By the time I was a young adult I was so burdened by everything being MY fault that I started to imagine that if I ran after my bus and got him to stop for me then it would probably start a chain reaction of ruining other peoples needs, miss the other lady waiting, or not get someone to the hospital on time and they die, etc. I ended up with full blown panic attacks and agoraphobia while in my favorite frequented retail store. Like how dare I be standing here on the escalator in someones way who would probably need to get by me to meet a loved one, who then would miss them, who then would not stop at red light who then would get hit, who then would get killed. All Because of Me.

After trying Valium and doctors what worked for me was to turn to the church and my higher power, Jesus. Thinking that it all hinged on me was making me a god in a way and it pretty presumptuous that this would all actually be my fault or of my making. I just wasn't that important and that God was in charge and control, not me. I really had to change my way of thinking and tell myself, "NO it's not my fault and even if it is I am forgiven and God can be in charge of what happens to that person, not me." I can still remember the blessed relief of realizing that and the freedom it gave me. I hope you can find that too.

Kialua

BTW have you seen this post in the stickies above? How to handle guilt
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html

Jur123

Thank you very much guys for your support. It's such a relieve to hear from people who understand me

Chris1000101

There was plenty of shame and guilt in my younger years, even if I wasn’t around it was still my fault or occasionally I would make it my fault to protect my sister. I remember doing some people pleasing it was my life goal to take on the world’s problems as my own.

With friends in the fellowship, counseling, a sponsor and working the steps, I have been able to see what is honestly mine and dump the rest. Of the items that were mine, and I have taken responsibility for, I do not have the awful feelings that I once did. It will take time and it does get better.

VickiACA

The rumination sounds like "cognitive fusion" to me. Using some of the principles of ACT Therapy I'm trying to learn to not take my thoughts so seriously.

"Defusion means learning to step back or detach from unhelpful thoughts and worries and memories: instead of getting caught up in your thoughts, or pushed around by them, or struggling to get rid of them, you learn how to let them come and go - as if they were just cars driving past outside your house. You learn how to step back and watch your thinking, so you can respond effectively - instead of getting tangled up or lost inside your thinking. "

from
@.actmindfully.com.au/acceptance_&_commitment_therapy
Here's another description of ACT.
@/contextualpsychology.org/the_six_core_processes_of_act

On good days I think of my mind as a 2 year old. Sometimes lots of redirection is required to keep it out of the mud.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
Vicki

Jody675

my exH use to feel guilty for putting on his indicator to change lanes when we were in a traffic jam. he use to feel bad for the people behind him. guilt is a taught reaction. if it can be taught then it can be untaught. whats the key, only you will know what you need to do to give back those unnecessary emotions. but maybe start by asking yourself did i have control over that situation? is this mine to own? why am i owning someone else's problems now that i am an adult and can make choices? realising i was in control of only my own emotions and the life i led helped me a great deal for not taking on other peoples emotions and issues. i can now help a friend without feeling emotionally connected to the problem or outcome. but it was tough. as for my exH...i have no idea how he operates. but i know he did give his mum a bit of a serving once for dumping all her issues on him.

EveningRose

My first thought, too. I grew up hearing how everything was my fault. Including my parents' marriage problems, because apparently my father hitting her and ripping phones out of the wall only strengthened their marriage???

Bit by bit, as you come here, talk to others who have been there, perhaps al-anon, counseling, turning to a Higher Power....these feelings will gradually go away.

Windancer

Yupp. Now that I think about it, many things in my childhood were blamed on me and my situation and trauma at school. That likely doesnt help my guilt or people pleasing now...