Leaving Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
Leaving Me
My grandparents on my mother's side were alcoholics
My mother married my dad, an alcoholic
They had me and my sister
I married an alcoholic husband
My sister seems to have escaped.
My husband recently admitted that he's an alcoholic and has been sober for 17 days. For the first time, he's going to AA and seeing a counselor. My dad is currently not drinking, but he's never admitted that he's an alcoholic despite a lifetime of continuous drinking. When I was younger, he used to drink gin after coming home from work. I would pour it into the pretty glass, put ice in it, and bring it to him.
Here's the thing that has me all hung up and I don't know why.
My parents moved to where I live about three years ago. My sister lives across the country. Their coming here was a little miracle. I felt chosen and knew that my boys would be the better for it. For a while, we got together every Friday for drinks and dinner. They would come to games and events for my boys who were three when they came and are six now.
At some point, something went wrong. They weren't happy and said they weren't happy. They said that it was because they couldn't make friends here and that it was too expensive to live in the area. When my husband lost his job and his alcoholism escalated, they said that it was depressing to be around my family. Honestly, I agreed with them. It's still depressing even though my husband is in recovery.
However, they didn't say that they were moving until my sister's husband got a job in the state where we're all from. It is a good job. A fantastic job. My sister is moving her family from the West to the East coast. They're putting the kids in private schools. They're buying a very expensive home. And, of course, my parents are moving away from me to be closer to my sister.
They aren't saying that they're moving to get away from my family and to be closer to her family, but it's true. They adore the man she married (a doctor) and get along fairly well with my sister's family. The rule with my parents is never to talk about anything substantial, never to cross them and always to agree. My sister and her husband are excellent to do this.
So, my parents are leaving. They are leaving me. And they are leaving just when I need them the most. I need them. I need a safe haven. I need them to accept me and to love me and to support me and to be there for my boys. I need them to choose me. And they are not. It is like they are rats abandoning a sinking ship and I am that ship. My kids are that ship.
My parents cannot WAIT to leave. They are going to sell their home at a 200K loss just to leave. They are happy about leaving. And I know how things will go. It will be up to me to drive the 8 hours to visit them. They will not come down here. And when I come up, it will be like I'm coming into a family that is not my own. My parents are tight with my sister's family. I love the community that they create. I am allowed in, but it is not something that they have with my husband and myself.
I don't know what to do or how to get rid of this terrible grief. When I say grief, I mean continuous broken sobbing at any given time of the day. While getting gas. While weeding. Certainly, while listening to music. I have no control over it. It just comes and then passes like a storm.
The grief is greater than my concern over my husband's new recovery. It is all consuming. I can't hide it and I can't hide from it.
My parents are out visiting my sister and her family now. They will get home on Sunday. We will play-act together as we will do until they leave the state and relocate. They don't want to hear about my sadness or even my husband's recovery. They just want for everything to be happy.
I have no idea what to do. I have no idea. I have no idea what to be. I've been to al-anon, but always from the perspective of being the wife of an alcoholic. Never as a daughter of one. So this is unexpected. And it is crushing me.
My mother married my dad, an alcoholic
They had me and my sister
I married an alcoholic husband
My sister seems to have escaped.
My husband recently admitted that he's an alcoholic and has been sober for 17 days. For the first time, he's going to AA and seeing a counselor. My dad is currently not drinking, but he's never admitted that he's an alcoholic despite a lifetime of continuous drinking. When I was younger, he used to drink gin after coming home from work. I would pour it into the pretty glass, put ice in it, and bring it to him.
Here's the thing that has me all hung up and I don't know why.
My parents moved to where I live about three years ago. My sister lives across the country. Their coming here was a little miracle. I felt chosen and knew that my boys would be the better for it. For a while, we got together every Friday for drinks and dinner. They would come to games and events for my boys who were three when they came and are six now.
At some point, something went wrong. They weren't happy and said they weren't happy. They said that it was because they couldn't make friends here and that it was too expensive to live in the area. When my husband lost his job and his alcoholism escalated, they said that it was depressing to be around my family. Honestly, I agreed with them. It's still depressing even though my husband is in recovery.
However, they didn't say that they were moving until my sister's husband got a job in the state where we're all from. It is a good job. A fantastic job. My sister is moving her family from the West to the East coast. They're putting the kids in private schools. They're buying a very expensive home. And, of course, my parents are moving away from me to be closer to my sister.
They aren't saying that they're moving to get away from my family and to be closer to her family, but it's true. They adore the man she married (a doctor) and get along fairly well with my sister's family. The rule with my parents is never to talk about anything substantial, never to cross them and always to agree. My sister and her husband are excellent to do this.
So, my parents are leaving. They are leaving me. And they are leaving just when I need them the most. I need them. I need a safe haven. I need them to accept me and to love me and to support me and to be there for my boys. I need them to choose me. And they are not. It is like they are rats abandoning a sinking ship and I am that ship. My kids are that ship.
My parents cannot WAIT to leave. They are going to sell their home at a 200K loss just to leave. They are happy about leaving. And I know how things will go. It will be up to me to drive the 8 hours to visit them. They will not come down here. And when I come up, it will be like I'm coming into a family that is not my own. My parents are tight with my sister's family. I love the community that they create. I am allowed in, but it is not something that they have with my husband and myself.
I don't know what to do or how to get rid of this terrible grief. When I say grief, I mean continuous broken sobbing at any given time of the day. While getting gas. While weeding. Certainly, while listening to music. I have no control over it. It just comes and then passes like a storm.
The grief is greater than my concern over my husband's new recovery. It is all consuming. I can't hide it and I can't hide from it.
My parents are out visiting my sister and her family now. They will get home on Sunday. We will play-act together as we will do until they leave the state and relocate. They don't want to hear about my sadness or even my husband's recovery. They just want for everything to be happy.
I have no idea what to do. I have no idea. I have no idea what to be. I've been to al-anon, but always from the perspective of being the wife of an alcoholic. Never as a daughter of one. So this is unexpected. And it is crushing me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
Graceland,
I am sorry for you loss.
Are you working a recovery program you say have been to alanon. Do you attend meetings? Have a sponsor? Have you considered counseling for yourself?
Have you read the ACA Laundry List? Do you identify?
Some alanon meetings focus on Hope for Today or From Survival to Recovery - these might be helpful in addition to regular alanon meetings. You might also consider ACA.
I've been in ACA for about 4 months. I am slowly integrating the tools into my daily life. The grief and sadness still exist - but it does not feel quite so overwhelming or crushing - I've found a little bit of room to breath.
Do you pray?
Vicki
edited for grammar
I am sorry for you loss.
Are you working a recovery program you say have been to alanon. Do you attend meetings? Have a sponsor? Have you considered counseling for yourself?
Have you read the ACA Laundry List? Do you identify?
Some alanon meetings focus on Hope for Today or From Survival to Recovery - these might be helpful in addition to regular alanon meetings. You might also consider ACA.
I've been in ACA for about 4 months. I am slowly integrating the tools into my daily life. The grief and sadness still exist - but it does not feel quite so overwhelming or crushing - I've found a little bit of room to breath.
Do you pray?
Vicki
edited for grammar
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Definetly read the ACA laundry list. It's in the stickies.
What you are feeling is normal for an adult child of an alcholic.
If i had to guess, it's fear of abandonment that is triggering the emotions. And you are correct, your parents are not going to want to hear it. They are likely in denial that any actions on thier part should have any effect on you. They are wrong, but they don't want to hear that. So, if you try to talk about it they are going to try and change the topic, or gaslight you, making you think you are crazy and it's all your fault.
Start searching for a good therapist. Encourage your husband's recovorey, without getting emeshed in it. If you pin too much hope on it, you will be crushed if he relapses, and that won't be good for either of you. A good therapist can help you sort through your feelings and figure out healthy ways to cope.
What you are feeling is normal for an adult child of an alcholic.
If i had to guess, it's fear of abandonment that is triggering the emotions. And you are correct, your parents are not going to want to hear it. They are likely in denial that any actions on thier part should have any effect on you. They are wrong, but they don't want to hear that. So, if you try to talk about it they are going to try and change the topic, or gaslight you, making you think you are crazy and it's all your fault.
Start searching for a good therapist. Encourage your husband's recovorey, without getting emeshed in it. If you pin too much hope on it, you will be crushed if he relapses, and that won't be good for either of you. A good therapist can help you sort through your feelings and figure out healthy ways to cope.
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