Workin

I have lost myself in yet another relationship. And I was doing so well before we met, and while we dated. The transformation began slowly after we married. I reverted to my childhood pattern of only doing anything/making decisions about anything after first seeking concurrence/approval. That was the beginning... and I lost all sense of myself, separate from him.

It doesn't help that he, too, is an ACoA but so deep in denial - as I once was - that he cannot and does not want to see it. His behaviors fed mine. And around we went in a slow, negative spiral. We both lost respect for each other (and I for myself as well), had unrealistic expectations of the other, and were caught in the pattern.

I am now working on resurrecting the person I once was, the person I respected (and he did, too). The person who didn't worry about what anyone else thought. The person who was capable of making and executing decisions, as well as handling another's anger, frustration, disappointment, etc effectively and without getting sucked into it. No small task, I'm sure you all know.

So my question is this... How do I honor, advocate for, and address my needs while still honoring, advocating and addressing the needs of 'us'?

DesertEyes

Hello there Workin

wow, it sounds to me like you have a really solid understanding of how this "dysfunction" operates in your life. Good for you, figuring that out is most of the battle.

Basically, the same way that you lost the ability to address your needs. In very small increments, and in a "one day at a time" schedule. For example; make a list of your needs, then pick the one that is the _least_ important to you. Then write down the specific actions you need to do in order to meet that simple need for just _one_ day.

Then do those actions for just one day.

On the next day make a list of the needs of the relationship, pick the least important one, etc. etc. The purpose of starting with the least important needs is to get some practice and the opportunity to experiment with areas that are not critical or important. That way if the plan, or the actions, don't work out there is no harm done.

That sounds too simple when you first look at it. The challenge comes when you start working your way up from the least important needs to the more important one, and when you involve the other person in the relationship. Getting _two_ people to work their up the list of needs is _very_ hard to do, even when communication is working well.

If you don't have your husband participating in this process you are not really addressing the needs of the relationship, you're only working on your own side of the relationship.

Am I making sense with all that?

Mike
Moderator, SR

Workin

Thanks, DesertEyes!

For the first time since I began this journey, years ago now, I feel supported... and I'm overwhelmed emotionally by it (tears of relief). Nothing like caring and support to totally throw me out emotionally. I knew that's what I was looking for here, I guess I just didn't expect to find it (Hmmm... old behavior patterns, do you suppose (she asks rhetorically)?).

You make all kinds of sense: the best way to learn a new skill is to start small and work your way up. Spouse is military and deployed in Afghanistan now so not much working we can do together at the moment. I am working on me alone... knowing that whatever his response when he returns, I will be stronger and healthier.

We have struggled in our marriage because of this since very shortly - weeks - after we married. Maybe we can recover... I'd like that. I am surprised (because of all this) each time I realize that I still find him attractive and do want to be with him. That's what's different this time (marriage #3). Maybe that's a sign... time (and my healing) will tell.

DavidG

My SO is an adult child, but a more mild version than
me, thank goodness. I had hoped she would get a
programme too, but not so. Focussing on my own
wants and needs has helped a lot... serenity prayer
kicks in here... life itself is not alway an easy ride!

I always say: 'birds of a feather flock together'.
I think I was attracted to someone like myself,
at about the same emotional level.

We had a domestic this week... it was a'comin'...
I always say- do not provoke or avoid a conflict.

Being with ACA has taught me slowly to be pro-active...
the balance is now close to what I would like...:ghug3

...so far, one day at a time...
thanks for the chance to share...

DavidG.

Workin

Thanks, David!

That whole birds-of-a-feather thing, yeah. With each marriage the color and arrangement of the feathers changed but the fundamental bird did not. Really thought I had this one figured out.

Thanks for sharing. It does help knowing others out there have similar struggles to mine.

Workin

Thanks for this and congratulations!! I hope I can get there one day.