EveningRose

I hope the story won't be garbled for trying to avoid details, but one of my siblings decided social media was the place to publicly voice their negative opinion to a new member of our family, recently married in; something that was really none of their business anyway.

The new family member answered politely, was given another few verbal slaps in the face, and as a result has cut off the entire family.

I'm not surprised. I tried to contact this person to offer some sympathy and let them know we don't all agree with these ugly words being posted. I'd already been defriended and apparently blocked.

I'm sorry for this very young person who is having to deal with this garbage. I'm mad at the sibling who is old enough to know better. I'm furious at the mother who raised them to think that if they decide they don't like someone, then basic rules of common courtesy no longer apply. I'm sad for my young relative who is going to be forced to choose between his new wife and his family. I'm angry that one of my own children is sort of gloating. I told him it was wrong to post what was posted. I don't know how much impact I'll have against the entire extended family bad-mouthing the new family member and slapping each other on the back for putting her in her place. :-(

Those who pray, please pray for this young lady. Please pray for my screwed up family who can't see how cruel they just were. Please pray for my kids to see it for what it was. I'm just saddened, angry, and appalled tonight.

Plath

Hugs and prayers. At least she was brave enough to disengage from them; that speaks volumes, I think. For those of us who are afraid to stand up for ourselves, the thought of cutting off our spouse's family, or boyfriend/girlfriend's family, is frightening indeed.

Hopefully she is a healthy person emotionally, and can see things for how they are.

EveningRose

Thank you, Plath. I hadn't thought of it in that light. I know my family will portray her as doing it in a sniveling fit of anger and helpless impotent rage against them. They'll sneer at her and find fault with her for reacting. They met her once that I know of, and were all immediately bad-mouthing her and telling everyone what she really thinks, feels, and believes.

But maybe it is a sign of strength to be able to take a clear, strong stand.

I'm just sad I was included in the cutting-off. I don't blame her, as she really doesn't know me, but I'm sad.

And yes, I assume she's heard all about what an awful daughter I am. So maybe she's put two and two together and knows that they're just screwed up.

You know, my mother was forever telling us how our behavior reflects on our family, our church, any group we belong to. My family cannot see that this young lady is a human being with friends and family of her own, and what my sibling did was out of line, WILL be talked about to those friends and family, and will reflect terribly on our entire family. No, I can almost guarantee they're proud of themselves for telling her off, like it makes them bigger and stronger.

I think for all the garbage I've been through with them, this is the first time I want to just hang my head in shame for even being associated with them in any way. I considered, when I divorced, taking a new name not my husband's and not my father's. I want no association with either of them. I thought about it again last night.

Kialua

Yes, I agree that she is smart to cut them off right now.

As crazy as my foo is my inlaws are worse. I have gone for periods of no contact with them but it has never sunk into them that it's THEIR behavior I am avoiding. ha ha! They seem to think I am just all that much worse than their perceived notion.

Just tonight I was told that I was so unreasonable in 1978 because I walked out of Christmas. I don't even remember it and I have a really good memory. My husband told me it was because they lifted their wine glasses and toasted saying "Praise the Lord". I don't remember that. I am sure if it was that, it was just the cherry on top, the last straw for the evening. They do enjoy their drinking to the utmost and usually get out of hand and of course I don't drink so they take it very personally. There is no getting through to them so I leave. They see it as I don't want to party with them and have zero understanding of alcoholism and all the fun extras that go with that.

This is the second "drive by shooting" my inlaws have done recently. Talk about holding grudges, yikes.

Sorry to hijack your thread but it just resonated with me.

EveningRose

Isn't this just how it goes. I suppose the nicest spin is it's their defense mechanism; easier than admitting they're jerks and screwed up. Easier than saying, "I'm sorry."

1978...that is a looooooong time to hold onto a grudge for such a thing!!

Kialua

Thanks EveningRose. It is a long time, but there are other examples that are longer because I grew up next door to them. Sigh. They are not the be nice get along type unless you party with them. I guess I was just sucker punched because I thought we were over this after the last 3 year no contact period. Heads up now, won't take me by surprise again. They are jerks.

EveningRose

People are funny. XH's family often accused me of 'holding grudges' yet it was his aunt who refused to have me in her home forevermore because I got up and left lunch one day...to go to work. Yep. I went to work. Ten years after the fact, she still wouldn't allow me in her house. It was so bizarre that I finally called and confirmed it with her that that's really what it was about, and sure enough, it really was.

Kialua

Wow that is so laughable if it wasn't so weird.

EveningRose

No kidding. XH left our holiday dinners MANY times to go to work. I can't in my wildest imagination think that even my screwed up alcoholic dysfunctional family would forever ban him. And the lunch with the aunt wasn't even on a holiday.

Moreover, x's brother paid us a visit, did everything in his power to break up our marriage, attacked me (verbally), made false accusations, and then simply never spoke to me again. And again, I was the one guilty of holding a grudge in their eyes. I was under so much attack from them, constantly defending myself that it took me about 12 years to finally say, "Hey, wait a second! He has never spoken to me again, either, and I don't even know what I DID to him!"