First time sharing ANYTHING...EVER (longish)
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
First time sharing ANYTHING...EVER (longish)
Ok. So I know we all have our own stories and not everyone wants to hear endless tales of ACoAs but even if nobody reads this, I need to do this. It's a proverbial "toe in the water" move for me. I'm the "Queen of Avoidance, Disassociation and Denial" so even as I write this it will be the first time admitting many things (mostly to myself.)
I've NEVER spoken of my childhood or my life as an ACoA. The most that I've ever shared was that I spent every weekend (from age 7-10) in NA and AA with my Dad and uncle. The only other part I've ever shared was in recounting details from the night my father got me drunk and high in an attempt to get me to sleep since my mother was away at work. I was 4. And I remember it.
I'm guessing that because of disassociation, I actually can't remember much at all of my childhood. I remember details but no "memories" and very few happy ones (and even those I block whenever they come up.)
I remember being afraid most of the time. I remember being places with my father and his friends while they were using and while not knowing exactly why, I knew what they were doing was not good. I remember watering down my father's liquor and marking the bottles by putting a small scratch on the label to see how much my dad had drank so far that day so I'd know what I was in for that night (a behavior I continued to do with my 2nd husband though he was not an alcoholic.) When my parents separated, my father lived with his dad. Sometimes to hide his drinking, my father would take us "camping" at the local pond. "Camping" meant sleeping on a plastic lawn chair with a single blanket while my father drank all night. The only light was from the car headlights pointed at us and more times than I could count, the car battery would be dead by morning.
I remember my dad's (and mine) "rock bottom." On the way back from a "camping" night, my father was drunk driving, slid off the dirt road and into the ditch where his Taurus became stuck. I remember the men who stopped and pulled us out of the ditch. My father offered them a six-pack for helping us and the man handed him a card. That man would later become my dad's sponsor. That night my father attacked my grandfather when my grandfather refused to give my dad his car keys so he could drive me home. I remember jumping on my father's back (he's 6'3" and 350#+) and biting the hell out of him while he smashed my grandfather's head into the wall. (I relived that moment for years every time I saw the dent in the wall.) And then my dad was gone. He came back...clean. I just remember he looked clean. I helped him drag garbage bag after garbage bag full of empty Budweiser cans out to the dumpster.
And then OUR life in recovery began.
The people of NA and AA were my only family. (My mother suffers from schitzoaffective disorder, has the mental capacity of a 12 year old).
Addicts and all they entail were my family. I suffered many losses as many of my family members relapsed and disappeared. I remember being angry at those that relapsed and other AA/NA members who disparaged those that relapsed. I even remember yelling at people a few times. I also lost my friends as their parents would relapsed. I also always monitored the bottle of Nyquil in the medicine cabinet because somehow I knew it had alcohol in it.
During meetings, I drank coffee (more sugar and cream than coffee), sat in the chairs or at the table, listened to others and even shared from time to time. "Hello my name is____. My dad, ___, is an alcoholic." I stood in the circle after meetings, held hands and prayed despite the fact that even at age 7, I was an atheist. My favorite was "It only works if you work it". I listened to my Dad speak at meetings, sometimes recounting "rock bottom" and remembering it myself. I remember thinking he has yet to make amends toward me but maybe he was...in his own way. Life was good. I enjoyed NA/AA Camp-outs and dances. I knew what I would be doing every Friday and Saturday night. I was proud of my father.
At age 10, my father was still clean when I moved to another state with my mother and step-father. I saw my dad often but it was the Summer at age 14 that I knew my dad relapsed. I saw the beer in the fridge and the bottle of Canadian whiskey and hoped it was my step-mom's but on the first night, the beer was in my dad's hand. He told me he had "grown up" and could handle alcohol now. I laid on the couch, curled up in a ball crying and in terror. My step-mom said to my dad "Look at your daughter." He never responded. Because of NA/AA, I knew all about codies and enablers so of course I blamed her. But then I thought maybe he was right because he seemed to be doing ok since he had his own business and went to work every day. I started marking and watering down bottles again. I'm sure he knew but never said anything. He'd attack my step-mom when he was drunk and I'd come to her defense wielding whatever I could grab- a shoe, a stick...anything. I even pulled my own father's 9mm handgun on him. One night he told me to put the pizza away in the fridge, I told him I did, he argued with me and told me to grow up to which I replied "Why don't you dry up." He kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night,I went to a gas station, called my grandfather and waited 2 hours in the dark for my grandfather to make the drive to pick me up. My grandfather gave my father ultimatums- get sober or I will not allow you to have a branch of the business anymore. My father instead severed business ties with him and I blamed myself for it.
From then on and even to this day, the active addict version of my father that he continues to be is not "my" father. If he upset me with addict behavior, I'd break off contact for years until for some reason (maybe hoping to find him sober), I'd contact him again but it never gets very far. We are Facebook friends and that's about it. He now lives in Alaska and runs a bar/hotel and I believe he will die an active addict.
I've always known I was a classic ACoA but never wanted therapy. I didn't want to talk about it. I knew I was messed up but with all the messed up factors of my childhood, I didn't know or care what exactly to "blame". I've made some therapy appointments but never kept them. I'm bipolar2 (another gift from my father) and medicated what I could. I'm scared to death of addiction to the point of refusing narcotic pain meds to treat my Fibromyalgia.
I've always believed that I had avoided what I considered the "big" pitfall of being an ACoA of seeking out codependant relationships in an effort to "fix" my father. I AM a nurse who seeks out patients to "fix" but I thought that might be enough. ( You have no idea how many nurses are ACoAs)
But that's exactly where I am now. The love of my life is an addict. It took me 2.5years to admit to it. I KNOW addicts. I KNOW what they are, what they look like and what they do. I KNOW what addiction means and yet I still denied to myself that my A was an addict even when he admitted to it after cheating on me while binge drinking. I took him to a AA meeting and felt like I was at home. I was actually comforted by the familiarity of it. He never went again. I know what I cannot do and what I am not responsible for but it doesn't mean I always accept it. I accepted it when he stated he would only drink socially even though I knew what it would lead to. Now he's in full-blown addict behavior even though he doesn't drink much. I don't trust him, he knows it and it hurts us. He begged me to trust him so I asked him to take 1 tiny step-Don't drink if I'm not around. He promised me yet the first time I was not there, he drank at a bar, left with a woman and tried lying to me about it. I became enraged and reacted like a ACoA.
This time I told him that his recovery is in his own hands. I showed him many options including harm reduction therapy, which he is now in.*** (I respectively ask that no one judge that treatment decision. I'm a nurse. I live by scientific data and time and time again harm reduction has been proven more effective than 12-step recovery and frankly, total 12-step abstinence has done nothing but fail me and it certainly won't fit him.)***
I know I'm still here in an attempt to "fix" him. I don't know what else to do. I've lost many people that I loved. I don't want to lose anymore loves, addicts or not. I guess I'm at the point where I'm ready to "fix" ME.
I just don't know where to start except by being honest. Especially to myself. This egregiously long post is my attempt at sharing, even in the smallest way.
If you've read this far then you deserve some sort of a reward
And Thank you.
I've NEVER spoken of my childhood or my life as an ACoA. The most that I've ever shared was that I spent every weekend (from age 7-10) in NA and AA with my Dad and uncle. The only other part I've ever shared was in recounting details from the night my father got me drunk and high in an attempt to get me to sleep since my mother was away at work. I was 4. And I remember it.
I'm guessing that because of disassociation, I actually can't remember much at all of my childhood. I remember details but no "memories" and very few happy ones (and even those I block whenever they come up.)
I remember being afraid most of the time. I remember being places with my father and his friends while they were using and while not knowing exactly why, I knew what they were doing was not good. I remember watering down my father's liquor and marking the bottles by putting a small scratch on the label to see how much my dad had drank so far that day so I'd know what I was in for that night (a behavior I continued to do with my 2nd husband though he was not an alcoholic.) When my parents separated, my father lived with his dad. Sometimes to hide his drinking, my father would take us "camping" at the local pond. "Camping" meant sleeping on a plastic lawn chair with a single blanket while my father drank all night. The only light was from the car headlights pointed at us and more times than I could count, the car battery would be dead by morning.
I remember my dad's (and mine) "rock bottom." On the way back from a "camping" night, my father was drunk driving, slid off the dirt road and into the ditch where his Taurus became stuck. I remember the men who stopped and pulled us out of the ditch. My father offered them a six-pack for helping us and the man handed him a card. That man would later become my dad's sponsor. That night my father attacked my grandfather when my grandfather refused to give my dad his car keys so he could drive me home. I remember jumping on my father's back (he's 6'3" and 350#+) and biting the hell out of him while he smashed my grandfather's head into the wall. (I relived that moment for years every time I saw the dent in the wall.) And then my dad was gone. He came back...clean. I just remember he looked clean. I helped him drag garbage bag after garbage bag full of empty Budweiser cans out to the dumpster.
And then OUR life in recovery began.
The people of NA and AA were my only family. (My mother suffers from schitzoaffective disorder, has the mental capacity of a 12 year old).
Addicts and all they entail were my family. I suffered many losses as many of my family members relapsed and disappeared. I remember being angry at those that relapsed and other AA/NA members who disparaged those that relapsed. I even remember yelling at people a few times. I also lost my friends as their parents would relapsed. I also always monitored the bottle of Nyquil in the medicine cabinet because somehow I knew it had alcohol in it.
During meetings, I drank coffee (more sugar and cream than coffee), sat in the chairs or at the table, listened to others and even shared from time to time. "Hello my name is____. My dad, ___, is an alcoholic." I stood in the circle after meetings, held hands and prayed despite the fact that even at age 7, I was an atheist. My favorite was "It only works if you work it". I listened to my Dad speak at meetings, sometimes recounting "rock bottom" and remembering it myself. I remember thinking he has yet to make amends toward me but maybe he was...in his own way. Life was good. I enjoyed NA/AA Camp-outs and dances. I knew what I would be doing every Friday and Saturday night. I was proud of my father.
At age 10, my father was still clean when I moved to another state with my mother and step-father. I saw my dad often but it was the Summer at age 14 that I knew my dad relapsed. I saw the beer in the fridge and the bottle of Canadian whiskey and hoped it was my step-mom's but on the first night, the beer was in my dad's hand. He told me he had "grown up" and could handle alcohol now. I laid on the couch, curled up in a ball crying and in terror. My step-mom said to my dad "Look at your daughter." He never responded. Because of NA/AA, I knew all about codies and enablers so of course I blamed her. But then I thought maybe he was right because he seemed to be doing ok since he had his own business and went to work every day. I started marking and watering down bottles again. I'm sure he knew but never said anything. He'd attack my step-mom when he was drunk and I'd come to her defense wielding whatever I could grab- a shoe, a stick...anything. I even pulled my own father's 9mm handgun on him. One night he told me to put the pizza away in the fridge, I told him I did, he argued with me and told me to grow up to which I replied "Why don't you dry up." He kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night,I went to a gas station, called my grandfather and waited 2 hours in the dark for my grandfather to make the drive to pick me up. My grandfather gave my father ultimatums- get sober or I will not allow you to have a branch of the business anymore. My father instead severed business ties with him and I blamed myself for it.
From then on and even to this day, the active addict version of my father that he continues to be is not "my" father. If he upset me with addict behavior, I'd break off contact for years until for some reason (maybe hoping to find him sober), I'd contact him again but it never gets very far. We are Facebook friends and that's about it. He now lives in Alaska and runs a bar/hotel and I believe he will die an active addict.
I've always known I was a classic ACoA but never wanted therapy. I didn't want to talk about it. I knew I was messed up but with all the messed up factors of my childhood, I didn't know or care what exactly to "blame". I've made some therapy appointments but never kept them. I'm bipolar2 (another gift from my father) and medicated what I could. I'm scared to death of addiction to the point of refusing narcotic pain meds to treat my Fibromyalgia.
I've always believed that I had avoided what I considered the "big" pitfall of being an ACoA of seeking out codependant relationships in an effort to "fix" my father. I AM a nurse who seeks out patients to "fix" but I thought that might be enough. ( You have no idea how many nurses are ACoAs)
But that's exactly where I am now. The love of my life is an addict. It took me 2.5years to admit to it. I KNOW addicts. I KNOW what they are, what they look like and what they do. I KNOW what addiction means and yet I still denied to myself that my A was an addict even when he admitted to it after cheating on me while binge drinking. I took him to a AA meeting and felt like I was at home. I was actually comforted by the familiarity of it. He never went again. I know what I cannot do and what I am not responsible for but it doesn't mean I always accept it. I accepted it when he stated he would only drink socially even though I knew what it would lead to. Now he's in full-blown addict behavior even though he doesn't drink much. I don't trust him, he knows it and it hurts us. He begged me to trust him so I asked him to take 1 tiny step-Don't drink if I'm not around. He promised me yet the first time I was not there, he drank at a bar, left with a woman and tried lying to me about it. I became enraged and reacted like a ACoA.
This time I told him that his recovery is in his own hands. I showed him many options including harm reduction therapy, which he is now in.*** (I respectively ask that no one judge that treatment decision. I'm a nurse. I live by scientific data and time and time again harm reduction has been proven more effective than 12-step recovery and frankly, total 12-step abstinence has done nothing but fail me and it certainly won't fit him.)***
I know I'm still here in an attempt to "fix" him. I don't know what else to do. I've lost many people that I loved. I don't want to lose anymore loves, addicts or not. I guess I'm at the point where I'm ready to "fix" ME.
I just don't know where to start except by being honest. Especially to myself. This egregiously long post is my attempt at sharing, even in the smallest way.
If you've read this far then you deserve some sort of a reward
And Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980 
Ok. So I know we all have our own stories and not everyone wants to hear endless tales of ACoAs but even if nobody reads this, I need to do this. It's a proverbial "toe in the water" move for me.
.................................................. . .............................................
I just don't know where to start except by being honest. Especially to myself. This egregiously long post is my attempt at sharing, even in the smallest way.
If you've read this far then you deserve some sort of a reward
And Thank you.
.................................................. . .............................................
I just don't know where to start except by being honest. Especially to myself. This egregiously long post is my attempt at sharing, even in the smallest way.
If you've read this far then you deserve some sort of a reward
And Thank you.
I love these long first time shares. Your share resonated back
to me, and my situation.
On my home group I offer 'brownie points' to those who read
to the end... many do- and its nice to know.
Thanks Beau...
DavidG.
NZ.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Beauteous, and welcome to our corner of recovery
Over here we do want to hear endless tales. It's how we "meet" new people on our "road" of recovery
In that case, congratulations on your first toe in the water, hope you find it warm and relaxing 
That's quite common. If you browse around the posts here you will see that most of us have that in some form.
Yup, I did that too. Poured it down the drain too.
hmmm... we don't do it that way around here. Children get to have their own recovery, not some kind of "shared" thing.
My father did not have a gun. I know, I looked. I made do with a butcher knife outta the kitchen.
Took me awhile too. Once I did it made a huge difference in my life
Makes perfect sense to me. If you ever feel like discussing pain and recovery we have a forum specifically for dealing with chronic pain _without_ addictive meds.
uh-huh. I understand that quite well. Twice already I have fallen in love and had it end because she ended up an addict of some kind.
My first ex became addicted to pain pills. I denied it too, far longer than was healthy. The second addict is anorexic, and I denied that it was an addiction. Surprise, it's really not the chemical that makes the addiction, it's the behavior. I knew that, and still the denial set in.
No worries, we respect whatever choices people make.
There various options available to you. The easiest is to go browse around our other forums "next door" and see if anything there is useful to you.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good for you. That's what we are all doing around here, working on fixing ourselves.
That is, of course, the _only_ way to start. You may wish to read thru the "sticky" posts at the very top of this forum, as well as the other two forums I recommended. There is a lot of wonderful information there.
A wonderfuly honest post, if you don't mind my saying so. And it's really not _that_ long. We have some seriously long winded members around here..... ahem.... such as..... me
Why thank you, that's very kind of you. I will consider my reward to be the honor of "meeting" another ACoA on this "path to recovery". I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
....I know we all have our own stories and not everyone wants to hear endless tales of ACoAs ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I need to do this. It's a proverbial "toe in the water" move for me. ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I'm guessing that because of disassociation, I actually can't remember much at all of my childhood....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
....I remember watering down my father's liquor ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... And then OUR life in recovery began. ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I even pulled my own father's 9mm handgun on him....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I've always known I was a classic ACoA but never wanted therapy. I didn't want to talk about it....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I'm scared to death of addiction to the point of refusing narcotic pain meds to treat my Fibromyalgia. ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
....I've always believed that I had avoided what I considered the "big" pitfall of being an ACoA of seeking out codependant relationships ...But that's exactly where I am now. The love of my life is an addict. ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
....I still denied to myself that my A was an addict ...
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I respectively ask that no one judge that treatment decision....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I know I'm still here in an attempt to "fix" him. I don't know what else to do....
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I guess I'm at the point where I'm ready to "fix" ME....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... I just don't know where to start except by being honest. Especially to myself....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... This egregiously long post is my attempt at sharing, even in the smallest way....
Originally Posted by Beauteous1980
.... If you've read this far then you deserve some sort of a reward...
Mike
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Thanks for posting -- a lot of that sounds familiar.
Around here, we don't judge (occasionally, we'll go, "I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin'," but that is only used once we know each other pretty well!)... for my part, I'm not a big believer that there is one correct way to do anything... including recover, from whatever we need to recover from. The 12-step programs help a lot of people, but that is by no means the only way to get somewhere. I very good friend of mine was hospitalized for alcoholism many years ago, found a path to recovery, and ever since I've known him (which is >25 years), has been able to drink in moderation. I've seen him with a glass of wine on many occasions, but it usually lasts a long time, and I have never seen him remotely "intoxicated." That may mean that he "wasn't really an alcoholic," in some clinical sense or other -- but who are we to know?
This stuff is hard... you're doing pretty well, from how you describe things. Thanks for sharing!
T
Around here, we don't judge (occasionally, we'll go, "I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin'," but that is only used once we know each other pretty well!)... for my part, I'm not a big believer that there is one correct way to do anything... including recover, from whatever we need to recover from. The 12-step programs help a lot of people, but that is by no means the only way to get somewhere. I very good friend of mine was hospitalized for alcoholism many years ago, found a path to recovery, and ever since I've known him (which is >25 years), has been able to drink in moderation. I've seen him with a glass of wine on many occasions, but it usually lasts a long time, and I have never seen him remotely "intoxicated." That may mean that he "wasn't really an alcoholic," in some clinical sense or other -- but who are we to know?
This stuff is hard... you're doing pretty well, from how you describe things. Thanks for sharing!
T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Dear Beauteous, I am all for harm reduction, in any form! My sister (bipolar I, classic manic-depressive, stabilized for more than 15 years) is also a nurse and a believer--an eye-witness--to the effectiveness of harm-reduction methods/therapy.
I am the adult child of a paranoid schizophrenic with manic depressive tendencies (also full-blown alcoholic), so resonate with much of your story. I still feel afraid much of the time--just the way my brain/central nervous system is wired after growing up that way. My oldest son is a heroin addict in recovery, my 14-year-old has started cutting himself, my 11-year-old says he is lonely most of the time. I wish I could make the world easier for all of them, and myself, but I can't.
What I can do is reach out to others. I always have and I always will. Community is the only way I can see my way through the pain.
Thank you for posting your story. There are so many of "us" out there who suffer quietly as though we were the only ones who have gone through so much suffering. We are not alone, and we are not powerless.
We may be carved out in a way the "normies" can not understand, but we are courageous--warriors and proud members of the "scar clan." I can't help but think that there is a purpose for our pain.
Again, thanks for posting.
I am the adult child of a paranoid schizophrenic with manic depressive tendencies (also full-blown alcoholic), so resonate with much of your story. I still feel afraid much of the time--just the way my brain/central nervous system is wired after growing up that way. My oldest son is a heroin addict in recovery, my 14-year-old has started cutting himself, my 11-year-old says he is lonely most of the time. I wish I could make the world easier for all of them, and myself, but I can't.
What I can do is reach out to others. I always have and I always will. Community is the only way I can see my way through the pain.
Thank you for posting your story. There are so many of "us" out there who suffer quietly as though we were the only ones who have gone through so much suffering. We are not alone, and we are not powerless.
We may be carved out in a way the "normies" can not understand, but we are courageous--warriors and proud members of the "scar clan." I can't help but think that there is a purpose for our pain.
Again, thanks for posting.
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Hello Beauteous, and welcome to our corner of recovery
hmmm... we don't do it that way around here. Children get to have their own recovery, not some kind of "shared" thing.
hmmm... we don't do it that way around here. Children get to have their own recovery, not some kind of "shared" thing.
Thank you for reminding me recovery is an individual path. From reading my post (probably 2 dozen times!!!), I realized how much I intertwine my life and recovery with my father's. My recovery did not halt or fail because his did. I can see I lost sight of that. And I don't suppose I'd be any less of a ACoA if he didn't relapse but maybe a little less bitter or or disappointed. Thank you for the helpful insight and links. There is such a bounty of good information here.
Thank you (AND EVERYONE) for making me feel welcome!
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by tromboneliness
Thanks for posting -- a lot of that sounds familiar.
Around here, we don't judge (occasionally, we'll go, "I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin'," but that is only used once we know each other pretty well!)... for my part, I'm not a big believer that there is one correct way to do anything... including recover, from whatever we need to recover from. The 12-step programs help a lot of people, but that is by no means the only way to get somewhere. I very good friend of mine was hospitalized for alcoholism many years ago, found a path to recovery, and ever since I've known him (which is >25 years), has been able to drink in moderation. I've seen him with a glass of wine on many occasions, but it usually lasts a long time, and I have never seen him remotely "intoxicated." That may mean that he "wasn't really an alcoholic," in some clinical sense or other -- but who are we to know?
This stuff is hard... you're doing pretty well, from how you describe things. Thanks for sharing!
T
Around here, we don't judge (occasionally, we'll go, "I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin'," but that is only used once we know each other pretty well!)... for my part, I'm not a big believer that there is one correct way to do anything... including recover, from whatever we need to recover from. The 12-step programs help a lot of people, but that is by no means the only way to get somewhere. I very good friend of mine was hospitalized for alcoholism many years ago, found a path to recovery, and ever since I've known him (which is >25 years), has been able to drink in moderation. I've seen him with a glass of wine on many occasions, but it usually lasts a long time, and I have never seen him remotely "intoxicated." That may mean that he "wasn't really an alcoholic," in some clinical sense or other -- but who are we to know?
This stuff is hard... you're doing pretty well, from how you describe things. Thanks for sharing!
T
I've known a few addicts who were like the person you described. I had hoped my father was one of them when he relapsed but it became very apparent, very quickly that he wasn't. The "sticklers" seem to believe that people who are actually able to control their substance use ("impossible" in many doctrines) weren't actually ever addicts. That is insulting and negates their experience and struggles. It's my firm belief that by treating the underlying reason people turn to substances, you ARE treating the addiction. It's not just genetics or biology that creates an addict. It's a "perfect storm" that can't be dissipated by just removing the substance.
But what DO I know?! I thought I knew enough and that is what is so frustrating sometimes. How do I KNOW that I know anything?!
Thanks for your response
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by PrayingMama
Dear Beauteous, I am all for harm reduction, in any form! My sister (bipolar I, classic manic-depressive, stabilized for more than 15 years) is also a nurse and a believer--an eye-witness--to the effectiveness of harm-reduction methods/therapy.
I am the adult child of a paranoid schizophrenic with manic depressive tendencies (also full-blown alcoholic), so resonate with much of your story. I still feel afraid much of the time--just the way my brain/central nervous system is wired after growing up that way. My oldest son is a heroin addict in recovery, my 14-year-old has started cutting himself, my 11-year-old says he is lonely most of the time. I wish I could make the world easier for all of them, and myself, but I can't.
What I can do is reach out to others. I always have and I always will. Community is the only way I can see my way through the pain.
Thank you for posting your story. There are so many of "us" out there who suffer quietly as though we were the only ones who have gone through so much suffering. We are not alone, and we are not powerless.
We may be carved out in a way the "normies" can not understand, but we are courageous--warriors and proud members of the "scar clan." I can't help but think that there is a purpose for our pain.
Again, thanks for posting.
I am the adult child of a paranoid schizophrenic with manic depressive tendencies (also full-blown alcoholic), so resonate with much of your story. I still feel afraid much of the time--just the way my brain/central nervous system is wired after growing up that way. My oldest son is a heroin addict in recovery, my 14-year-old has started cutting himself, my 11-year-old says he is lonely most of the time. I wish I could make the world easier for all of them, and myself, but I can't.
What I can do is reach out to others. I always have and I always will. Community is the only way I can see my way through the pain.
Thank you for posting your story. There are so many of "us" out there who suffer quietly as though we were the only ones who have gone through so much suffering. We are not alone, and we are not powerless.
We may be carved out in a way the "normies" can not understand, but we are courageous--warriors and proud members of the "scar clan." I can't help but think that there is a purpose for our pain.
Again, thanks for posting.
Patients and professionals (I've been a psych nurse for 10 years) in the mental health field like to call "normies" "neuro-typicals"....as though those without illness are just typical while we are special
Even though I can't stand compliments to save my a$$, I am proud of how tough I am and I don't exactly dismiss it when people tell me I am. I appreciate the compassionate worldview I seem to have developed as a result of my childhood but would I NOT change it? Hell no. I'm jealous as heck of "normies" at times. I try not to dismiss them or discount their lives out of resent but I know I sometimes do.
My 4 sons all have their own struggles and I blame myself for all of it. Not only did I doom them genetically with a 50%+ chance of having a mental illness but the fact they suffered for my baggage as a parent. I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is my fault, my responsibility or under my control.
I feel like I'm saying "I" and "me" a lot without contributing much to others. Probably a ACoA reaction...but maybe I AM actually being self-centered. How am I supposed to know? Am I supposed to be/do something else?
Knowing is just too much sometimes...
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