gplmdyw

When I got sober in 1999 my father wouldn't talk to me for about 2 years. I wanted his love and validation so badly. I was doing the best I could but he was either angry with me or afraid that things would change, maybe both. He has never seen what he did to me when I was young, transferring blame to me and scapegoating me so he wouldn't have to deal with my sick mother.

As I get healthier now my mother is getting more and more hurtful, trying to sabotage my life, control me, hurt me, go back and forth with abusive behavior and then pretend everything's ok and see if I'll continue to accept it and stay in the abuse cycle and insanity.

My father not only validates her abuse, but has begun to reject me more than ever. Never calls me, doesn't give a damn about me, and pays for my rent as an excuse to continue not being a father. He's got a "reputation" to uphold after all, public powerful guy.

I understand they're sick. I don't sleep since I removed the alcohol, am always exhausted. probably expectations and rage. So I no longer expect anything else from them, I've gotten to that point in recovery.

I am getting my own place this summer, a little single room is all i can afford. I believe once I get out of their clutches I might sleep, and maybe get a job, maybe have some relationships.

Anyone else ever deal with this? Them getting sicker and more abusive as you're getting well and about to change the status quo in the family? They're probably scared? Would you get as far away as you could and cut off all contact until you healed>?

Kialua

Hi. If you don't mind, I am just a little mixed up here. I'm always glad when someone is moving out on their own away from dependance on parents.
You are sober since '99
Haven't slept since '99
Living with your parents?
Parents Alcoholic?

BadCompany

Sometimes all you can do is run for your life. That's what I had to do. 21 years later they are still crazy and my life goes on pretty well.

Mo S

I can relate my past to your present experience. My parents are toxic to me plain and simple and while I continue to change - they only get worse. I got sober in 1983 and at 5 years sober started separating from them emotionally and physically. It took YEARS of therapy to get where I am now. I have zero contact- thats just what works for me. There was no "staying away until I healed". I have healed therefore i stay away from abusive people that are no good for me. My mother is passive agressive and still angry at me 28 yrs later.
I think, just MY opinion, that once you move and they dont pay your rent; you will have cut some of the bonds that keep you "attached" now. Its great you have goals once you separate- hang on to them.
It was HUGE to let them go- they are intertwined with my core issues. However, I love myself too dang much to let them rain on my parade. I know what to expect if I have contact with them. They have proven it time and again. I would be a fool if i went back for more. Thats just my situation- everyone is different.
I wish you well.

dbh

Hello:

Welcome to our little corner of SoberRecovery :-)

I grew up with an alcoholic father. Even though my parents divorced when I was 15-years-old the dysfunction continued in my family for decades.

My mom continues to blame all of our problems on my now deceased alcoholic father. The truth is that she brought her own issues into their relationship and contributed to our family's dysfunction as well. In a dysfunctional family, everyone plays a part in the dysfunction. It took me a really long time to realize this was the case.

When I started therapy, many years ago, I thought that I could save my family of origin. I tried to point out how our relationships were toxic. Of course, they thought I was the crazy one and blamed my therapist for putting weird ideas into my head. We were a "close and loving family".

I had to distance myself from them and create my own life apart from them.

After some time, therapy, and my own recovery work I got strong enough to let them into my life without being pulled into the dysfunction. It took time and strong boundaries.

I remember how sad I was when I realized that my parents were NEVER going to be able to love and care for me the way that I wanted/needed. It required giving up on a dream that I held onto for my entire life.

I'm working on being on my own loving parent and trying very hard not to let myself down in the process.

Congratulations on your sobriety!

Keep coming back.

db

LDT

dbh....your story is almost my story.....except I was the one who ended up alcoholic. I often say my family put the dys in dysfunction. My parents' addicition was hate and anger.....still to this day. They, too, think my therapist has also put "crazy" ideas into my head (yeah, right). I remember how shocked I was when I overheard my mother once telling someone " we're a very close family (on what planet???). Controlling people despise boundaries, so when I set up my own a few years ago they fought it tooth and
nail. They are still fighting it. I will never blame them for my alcoholism, but they most definitely are a threat to my sobriety. So exit stage left for me. I am re-parenting myself.

gplmdyw

Living seperate from them but they paying my rent. They are not drinkers but it doesn't matter, they have all the symptoms and have never tried Alanon, will not look at themselves as it's too painful I understand that. But I have to get away. My mother is getting sicker as she ages and feels I'm detaching too. her control issues are absolutely insane now. Getting into anything she can in my life so I have to get separate.

gplmdyw

Yes - I have gone through all that hurt and expectations and also have released the guilt of not saving them anymore. Did you know the scapegoat is always the truthteller? I have learned I have to not tell them what's wrong with them, that's God's place. I have done it though! Thank God for my HP who is my Father. he helps me love myself, I know His will for me better now. And yes, it is to RUN!!!!!!!!!! (LOL) But i like how you say you didn't divorce them. That is the way to do it unless they're beating me up or something.

Once I detach I will be careful about what I share with my mother. She will do anything to get into my business and sabotage. it's very sad but that's life. She was affected by her mother.

gplmdyw

I also ended up the alcoholic. It is very common that the scapegoat is sent off to therapy as a teenager to "fix the problem". They always think we are the crazy ones. And that opens us up to other adults in our own adult lives manipulating us, we react and ruin our reputations, and everyone thinks we're the bad ones and they are our victims. Human nature is tricky and I have had to see how I recreated my family stuff over and over in my own life.

I used to think my family was perfect, my mother is in huge denail about her family of origin too. Interesting you say that controlling people despise boundaries and they fought you tooth and nail. How very sick. I'm angry just reading and writing this. And God, i will be free.

Thanks folks.

EveningRose

Yes, I, too, was taken to some sort of family counseling movies and sessions being held at a church in the wake of my father spending a night in jail for hitting my mother. I was later told I'd get a trip to someplace big with them IF I weren't such a problem child, but since I was, I'd be staying home with my grandparents.

I don't know if my parents and siblings are getting sicker as I get healthier or if it's just more obvious to me now. But I think that when we pull away, they are left with a choice of admit they DID something from which we might want to withdraw, or blame us. It's far too difficult to face the mistakes they have made, so they blame us instead.

With my parents, the ripples spread. I divorced my husband over his lies, other women, secret credit cards, and more, and my mother is telling people I imagined it all. None of it happened. Because if she admitted that I, as a human being, made a decent decision with him, she might have to ask herself if I also had valid reasons for backing away from her. She CAN. NOT. FACE. that, so she discounts me as a person; discounts every decision I make. Then she doesn't have to face her own ugly behavior. It would crush her to see herself as she has really been all these years.