womaninprogress

I've posted in F&F forum mostly, but thought this is the place for this post.

If you have read anything of mine you know my mother was just diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. And man is this ever throwing me back.

When I was 9 my parents (both alkies) divorced. Dad moved out. The same year my two siblings moved out as well, which just left me and mom. At 9 years old I was left to fend for myself while parenting my drunk mother. I would get calls at all hours that my mom was passed out at the bar and I had to come get her. (small town, bars in walking distance). I also had to cook, do laundry, pay bills, drive, do my homework, deal with the drunk losers she brought home. At this time she also started an affair with one of my classmates married Grandpa. So all the kids in school all my friends turned their backs on me as well. I didn't see much of my Dad, as he'd moved straight into his girlfriends house with her perfect family and there was no room for me. My siblings moved out of state so I never saw them either.

Right now I am a single Mom with a 16yr old diva. She's spoiled and demanding and I totally take the blame for that. I work two jobs 7 days a week, her Dad does little to support her. My siblings kids are all grown and out of the house, they make good money and SHOULD be a big support to my Mom and me.

Now that Mom is sick I feel like that poor scared little 9 year old abandoned again. My brother is a complete selfish a**. He lives 10 minutes away but he can't be bothered to call Mom, let alone do anything for her. My sister is a drunk who lives across the country. She has so generously offered to quit her job, walk away from her house (which has all my moms retirement wrapped up in it) and come stay with my Mom. Yeah, alot of help that will be, lets add a drunk to the mix. I think the only reason she offered is because she wants to run away from the mess she made of her life out in Vegas. She has legal problems and hasen't made a payment on her house in over a year.

So here I am again, alone, caring for my Mother. I don't have any hard feelings towards my Mom. She did the best she could. She was drunk until I turned 18 and then went to rehab. Been sober 22 years. Dad died 10 years ago.

I guess I'm just having a pity party. I feel honestly like I'm about to lose it and I can't afford any counseling or help. So I turn to you good people here. Sorry. lol.

Plath

Thank you for sharing on here, I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. Unfortunately, I do not have any experience to share with you, although I'm currently considering renting my mom's house that she currently moved out of so that she isn't needing to pay the mortgage with her savings money.

She and my step-dad are also very sick people (she had breast cancer years ago, and had all of her lymph nodes removed in that area, so her arm is swollen all the time and she has to go to therapy for it, my step-dad is on oxygen, has kidney issues, but continues to drink and smoke, etc.)

But at any rate, that is nothing compared to what you are going through and how I imagine you are feeling right now.

Just know that you have a built-in support system here, or any other SR forum that you post on, and we'll at least be here to listen and offer virtual hugs if needed.

I'm sorry that I don't have much to offer by way of advice or experience, but I don't think that you're having a pity party at all...I think that what you're going through with your mom and siblings must be extremely difficult, and if you weren't experiencing the feelings of being that little girl again I would be very surprised indeed.

Lots of warm thoughts going out to you and your mom.

Kialua

I'm so sorry this happening to you. What can one say. Life is full of death, my Mother passed away last year. Do what you can and don't feel bad for being angry with your siblings. See if you can get some county help or hospice when needed. Praying for you.

womaninprogress

We met with Hospice lastnight. I guess I came away from that feeling somewhat better. Although I always thought Hospice provided round the clock care, they do not. I only have 10 paid days off a year and can't afford to miss without pay. So I'm kind of racking my brain to come up with a solution. And Mom said something to the Hospice nurse that really made it hit home that this is all on my shoulders. Not in a mean way or anything, just discussing who will be involved in her care.

My Mom also needs to go to Vegas soon. To see the grandkids out there as they wouldn't be able to afford a trip to OH. Mom doesn't want to go alone, she's scared and I don't blame her. I thought I would send my daughter with her, but my daughter is refusing to go. Can't balme her really, she barely knows the family in Vegas and My Mom has never been very involved in her life so she really doesn't want to go with "strangers". Add to that the fact that my sis in Vegas is a raging Alkie who frequently has violent outbursts. I really didn't like the idea of sending my daughter, but seemed the only solution, since I need to save my Vacation time for when it's needed. Not to mention I have to come up with $$ for 2 tickets to Vegas quick. So....anyone want a free trip to Vegas? lol.

I hate feeling this way. I have always been a take charge, stand on my own, getrdone kind of woman. I just feel weak and pathetic right now.

I just need to change my perspective. And pray a little more.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and wisdom. Hard to imagine strangers on the net are more supportive then ones own family.

Willybluedog

Glad you are here, please know that if you need someone to talk to I will be glad to listen, anytime you need a hug just ask.

Just wanted to suggest that you get everything taken care of legal wise? Will, skip the living will and get a durable power of attorney for medical care, also final arrangements, DNR etc. you can get all this done on Legal Zoom for cheap and it will save major headaches down the road when you family decises to get involved in moms care. We have just come out of a multi-year family legal drama that I would wish on no one so I tell everybody that will listen to get this done asap.

I wish I could swing it, I would love to get out of the cold weather for a few days in vegas, and I am used to crazies.

Best of luck and big hugs,

Bill

womaninprogress

Thank you Bill, she all ready has taken care of all the legal stuff, and we have an appointment next week to plan the funeral.

I feel alot better today. I was just overwhelmed yesterday. It sucks, and it's going to be hard, but this too shall pass. And I won't have any regrets about what I didn't do for my Mom.


Thank all of you so much.

Kialua

I'm so glad today is a better day. You are right, take care of what you can and you will have no regrets. I did my best with my Mom and her death (she was an abusive enabler and denied any wrongdoing to her death). I am surprised at what regret I do feel, I lost her hand written cook books, my brothers thought that box was to go out and it was a box meant just for me. Just an accident but I feel so bad about it that it brings me to tears occasionally. So don't be surprised at unreasonable emotions popping up. Let us know how it's going, we are here for you. Blessings.

Bill I had to laugh out loud as I, too, could use a trip and am used to Crazies! Mabye we should have a ACA convention!

womaninprogress

Update....a lot for me to process.

Went to Vegas with Mom. My sister whom we went to visit is an active alcoholic. Mom has been buying into my sisters BS that she only drinks on weekends now and never gets drunk. Well, she had Vodka hidden all over the house, reeked of alcohol when she picked us up at the airport, thank God my nephew had insisted on driving. Mom didn't notice sis sneaking off every 20 min to drink. She did pretty good the first two days, maintaining a buzz, but not drunk. The last night there she was slurring and stumbling in front of Mom. All the while she thought she was getting away with it. Me and mom didn't say anything to her. I'm so pissed that she couldn't abstain for the last 3 days she'll ever see her mom alive. I am so pissed my Mom now will worry and can't pass on in peace. (even if it was based on an act).

And the first night there, after mom went to bed sis really upped her drinking and we stayed up late, she thinks it's ok to drink in front of me cause I used to be a "party girl". We had a very deep conversation which is very very rare in a family that came from alcoholics where nothing is ever talked about.

A little background, when my Dad died I had unsetteling dreams that had a tone of sexual abuse. I had often questioned it due to some inappropriate things he said to me when I was an adult, and I just never wanted to leave my daughter and him alone. I have no memory of abuse other then I do remember his "weird wet beer kisses". Well after I had the dreams I went to a shrink and she concluded I was molested by my father due to the dreams and some other things I actually have memories of.

My sister is the only person I ever told any of this to. That was 10 years ago. She seemed utterly surprised, but supportive. She said once she seen something that made her wonder if something was going on....she didn't elaborate.

Well, she confessed that dad had abused her too, it started when she was 5 and she has very vivid memories. And she is racked with guilt for leaving me there and letting him do it to me too.

It's been 3 weeks and I'm just starting to feel the reality of it all. The confirmation that yes it did in fact happen. I've carried this guilt for 10 years thinking the shrink and I may be wrong, and I hated the fact that perhaps I was judging my dad based on little information. And I think not having any memories of the actual acts themselves made it pretty easy for me to forgive and move on. I still don't feel differently about my dad. He was an alcoholic, and apparently a child molester, a sick man, but he was also my hero, my confidant, my personal cheering squad. I was a daddys girl.

Lastnight I took mom to plant flowers on her parents grave, and everything just hit me. I maintained in front of Mom, but when I got home I lost it. I don't even know how to process any of this. And really I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm kind of in shock I think.

DesertEyes

Hello there womaninprogress, and welcome back

Goodness gracious ! You have a ton of stressful things happening in your life.

Shock is the correct word. I went thru that shock as well when I first started dealing with the childhood sexual abuse. It is a _huge_ realization, so my suggestion is to be very kind to yourself.

Those "memory gaps" are very common when people live thru extended periods of stress. I had them too. A couple of good therapists helped me put it all together again.

No worries. You are entitled to your feelings and nobody has a right to tell you different.

You can process it the same way all the rest of us do it. Slowly. Little by little. The general suggestion is to do _nothing_. Really. Spend a little time researching the issue, call some therapists, read around here on SoberRecovery. Then take a few days off, just for yourself, then consider making a _small_ decision, such as which therapist to go see, or which book to read.

Speaking of books, my fav is

The Courage to Heal 4e: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

You do know Right here on this forum. There are a lot of us who have lived thru something similar, and they will all come by and share their own experience.

Hang in there. I remember how confusing and overwhelming it was to even think that I was abused as a child. I remember feeling lost beyond description. I found help, some good therapists, a good recovery program, and little by little I made sense of it all and got back to the business of living.

I'm terribly sorry this was done to you, but I am glad you found SoberRecovery. I know that, like everybody else here, you will heal and overcome from it all.

Mike

womaninprogress

Thank you for your reply.

I do go pretty easy on myself. So no worries there. I'm actually sort of relieved this truth came out. Like I said, with no actual memories, I felt guilty for thinking about my dad like that if it was untrue.

Kialua

Wow you do have a lot to process. Go slow like Mike said. Seems like you do have a good handle on it, a bit of breakdown is only to be expected. My AD groped me and kissed me when he wasn't beating me. I remember it all buy my sister who saw it all and was never beat or hurt doesn't "remember" any of it. Aren't families strange. Hang in there we are here for you.

womaninprogress

Like I said, right after Dad died 11 years ago, I started having the dreams and pretty much had a breakdown. I was a mess for a couple months. I've been fine since then, just kind of said, "oh well, it happened, move on".

I think what is really troubling me most right now is my sister. Her comments made me realize she's so bitter and angry and guilt filled. Of course she was drunk when she told me all this. And I'm kind of upset that I first told her about it 10 years ago and that whole time she let me believe I was alone in the situation.

And for awhile I've felt that I was part of the reason she's a drunk....her guilt of leaving me. (she's 8 years older). And I also suspect that my mom knew what was going on. For years I felt like my mom hated, or resented me. My grandma told me when I was 6 how my mom cried and told her she didn't want me when she was prego. And when I started to realize what really went on in our home, I felt like Mom viewed me as the "other woman".

Here's what's so confusing for me. I honestly don't feel like I have anything other than forgiveness for my family. All of them, no matter what happened. My primary feeling is thank God it happened to me. Just think if it would have been another child that took all the **** from my life and used it as an excuse to prepetuate the abuse. I made sure it stopped here. No more victims. And now as an adult when I face adversity, I get an attitude of "is that the best you got?" Because I know the worst things that will ever happen to me, happend when I was a kid and that didn't keep me down. But then sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself. I THINK I have loads of self love and understanding, yet I find myself on the merry go round ride of being in love with an alcoholic.....?????

Geez....some days I think I'm all kinds of f*cked up. Because in spite of my childhood, in spite of my alcoholic on again off again relationship, I love me. I love EVERY member of my family to bits. I forgive them, I forgive myself for my self destructive years, we all did the best we could. I wish my sister, my boyfriend, my brother, my mother and all the tortured souls could find the freedom and love I've found in forgiveness.

Kialua

Have you ever gone to alanon? I'm no expert but it sounds like a lot of codie talk. Not that I am judging you at all, you have stood the test of time and handled it the best you did and did a pretty good job. Forgiving everyone is essential and kudos to you for working that out. But ending up with an alcoholic boyfriend might just be the devil you know versus the devil you don't know. It's sort of a built in comfort factor that is a bit controlling. I don't know a lot about alanon so I might not be explaining it right.

womaninprogress

Kialua, I have not gone to alanon. It's not that I don't think I'd benefit from it, I just don't have time. And I'm a work in progress. I've analyzed my relationship forward and back. I TRY to recognize my codie tendancies, and tackle them as they come. I appreciate the suggestion. I hope soon I will have free time and recourses to see someone to guide me through all this. But really, I think I'm good, emotionally, spiratually, psychologically. Of course some days that's a lot easier to say than others.

Kialua

LOL no I'm not suggesting anything perilously wrong. Just thought they might have some extra insight for you.

tromboneliness

The phrasing you're looking for is, "I'm not judging, I'm just saying you need to go to Al-Anon!"



T

dbh

Thank you for sharing your story.

I have also felt like you have. When I first started my recovery I had visions of sharing all my knowledge with my loved one and we would all get healthy together and be one big happy family!

Of course, that didn't happen.

I do believe that we all are doing the best that we can. However, my extended family members are content with their current coping strategies. I had to get to a place where I let them lead their own lives (and accept the consequences). I also had to learn to put boundaries up so that their poor choices did not negatively affect me (as much :-).

I love them, but I love me too.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

womaninprogress

dbh, I too learned long ago to let them make their choices. I haven't said anything to my sis because I did that for years, and finally learned the gift of letting go. But still on occasion I find myself angry, pissed off, just want to grab them and shake the hell out of them and say wake up!

But just as they don't understand why I don't drink, I can't wrap my head around why they continue to drink.

My XABF said something that aggervated me. He told me my sister "didn't mean to get drunk".........My thought is she "didn't mean NOT to get drunk either". I guess that's what I don't understand, she was sober when she decided to take the first drink. She knows that when she drinks, 98% of the time it leads to drunk. So in my mind it should be just as easy to choose NOT to take the first drink as it is to choose to take it....???? I guess if it really were that easy, none of us would be here.

Thank you all for your support and advise. Mostly just for listening.

OhBoy

WIP,
So sorry you are going through this. I lost my father to liver cancer about 2 years ago. He was sober for over 25 years. I also felt like I was a boy again taking care of the family, keeping it together. I think a lot of those feelings for me came back due to my AW's drinking. It makes it VERY difficult to come to terms with my childhood feelings with an active A, much like dealing with your sister. When my father was in the hospital her way of helping me was to get drunk. Hard to go through it alone much less having someone pile on top of it. Looking back, it would have been easier for me to deal with if I knew I had no control over my AW's drinking. At the time I felt as if the world was spinning around me at a million miles an hour. The only time I could find peace was talking with him in the hospital. I tried to be there as often as I could & get every ounce out off the time I had with him. In the end we had a closeness & a bond like we had never had before. I am so thankful for the time we had. I miss him dearly & dealing with an active A, even now, brings me back to my childhood & his drinking. It will be tough, but you will get through it. Alanon has helped me more than I could ever express. I have also had a lot of support here as well.
OhBoy

womaninprogress

Gee OhBoy, sounds like our stories are from the same book.

I lost my Dad 11 years ago, heart disease and cancer of the esophagis (sp?) from his years of alcoholism. I took care of him as well, and wouldn't change it for the world.

I do have feelings of guilt, I was always too busy with my own life to really give Mom much attention, plus she has a way....like alot of mothers, kind of kicks me when I'm down, or makes me feel like I'll never live up to her standards.

It's strange how life works. I now cherish the talks I'm having with my Mom, and find myself missing her all ready. And she's been here for me while I struggle with the man I love and his alcoholism. She's been on both sides and has helped me see things from all angles.

I appreciate the time you've all spent reading, replying. Hope we all have a blessed day.