flutter

Hey gang

I know a lot of us 'qualify' for all sorts of sections of this great community.. I've been around here for a few years, predominantly to talk about/get support for my alcoholism and recovery from it. I've lurked around this board, but it usually triggers things in me I'm not sure I'm equipped to address.

My nutshell story, both of my parents were/are (whatever!) alcoholics. They quit drinking when I was 19. Thank goodness. Obviously far too late in my life not to have caused some serious issues within me. I have a younger brother, he's almost 6 years younger. I protected him and raised him... he has no memory of my parents' drinking.. I'm very happy about that, but also a bit isolated in the feelings I had and that still surface from time to time.

I became an alcoholic.. many many more years ago than I realized or accepted. I'm 37, I've been sober since 12/08.

I waver on whether or not I 'should' look at my acoa stuff on the inside. My parents weren't mean, abusive blah blah.. but they were absent. And I didn't learn a healthy way to live my life (obviously) from them.

So they've been sober for almost 20 years, which rocks.. yes. I'm still angry. I've been to counseling, I've acknowledged the effect it's had on my life. I've forgiven (or just blocked out?) most everything.. I think.

I recently came across a journal that I was keeping from when I was 18 years old.. almost 20 years ago. One of the entries says "All I do is drink and cry, cry and drink". I spent another 16 years living my life that way.

Jason's post about feelings sort of prompted me to open up here and say hello, and share something recent that sort of brought up some of those "wtf am I feeling?" things.

My birthday was last month, and my mom wrote me a 'letter' in my card. I'm sure it should be beautiful and all that, but some of the things she wrote about how she perceives me sort of made me think.. made me think about how maybe I really am affected by how I was raised.. Anyway, here's the letter (and thank you by the way if you've made it this far.. this is pretty therapeutic to put out there):

"I am looking always for your smile and laughter. It doesn't come quickly, but slowly with thoughtful meaning always brightening my world.. Your insight is profound. You forgive with thoughtfulness understanding the great need for forgiveness. you help lift people up leaving them feeling they were strong and did it themselves. you love deeply and fully. You don't love easily and the few of us who have your deep love, honor and cherish it as you do our love for you."

I totally feel like I'm betraying her by putting this out there, but I've read it a hundred times it seems, and the bolded 'stuff' keeps sticking in my head.

Well, that's me. I'm glad to be here (and everywhere that I seem to belong around here )

JustAYak

Glad to see you on this board Flutter . I'm sure you'll learn a lot about yourself here. I know I have.

Living in the way we did DOES affect us...it affects us a lot. I'm glad you're recognizing it because that means you can heal and move on from it! Hope to see you posting some more soon.

DavidG

Hi Flutter...

Hi... I am David, proud ACA and Alanon long-timer...
I lost my job last year... it was going to happen and i kept it going as long as I could to keep the cash rolling in.

I have gotten part time work and heaps to do at home. [I even wrote and published a book!] But its these loose moments I miss my workmates and the daily routine.

I was in your town last year and weent to a meeting there in the basement of a church. I live in the country and i had to find my way across D. There was a Mexican parade in progress. Talk about beating my way to the back door!

Its a trend to see AA's coming in for family stuff. its happening in my community too. I always saw AA as the "A" team". Being a guy, especially,
I would have rather bin there...

... it has challenged me in a positive way tho'. To look at my own recovery and realise I have lots to offer. Stuff to pass on... stuff in common to share...

its a family illness: we are all in it together... take care...

thanks..

DavidG
New Zealand

DesertEyes

Hello flutter, and pleased to "meet" you Welcome to our little corner of SR

No worries. We all get triggered. This forum is a "no stress" zone. We recover at our own pace and in our own time. We take breaks from recovery whenever we want, and come back when we want. Or not. If you feel you are not equipped to deal with something.... then don't. You can get around to it some other time.

Congratulations. That's awesome

It doesn't work that way. _If_ there is something in your life that is causing you pain, that might threaten your sobriety, that makes you miserable... and _if_ that "thing" is caused by ACA stuff then you have the choice to look at just that one thing... Or just maybe examine it a little bit ... or maybe just read what other people are doing and consider their experience....

The point is that ACA issues come from a time when we were in great pain as children, and sometimes in real danger. Working on those issues can "re-live" that deep pain, as if we were children all over again. If the "relived pain" is too great then nothing positive will come of it. It is only when the pain is "manageable" that it can be used as a tool to help overcome the "issue".

Which is why ACA recovery is a "no stress" zone. Work only on issues that are "manageable". As you work on those, one at a time, the next issue will become less painful. Kind of like dominoes that are all lined up and one pushes the next.

Yeah, me too. I did not "let go" of my anger towards my father 'till he died. I was about 20 years sober at the time.

Oh yes, we read everything each other writes. And yes, it is wonderfuly healing to write it out and toss it onto the internet.

You can feel anything you want to feel, and it is always valid. My thoughts are that the words your mom put in your card sound like she has a great deal of respect and love for you. Those are quite powerful words she wrote there. My guess is that she would be supportive of you seeking recovery in this forum.

What do you think?

yeah, that's pretty intense. I know if anybody said those words about _me_ I would be a little shocked.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us. It's a very small group here, compared to the 80 thousand members elsewhere in SR, but I think you are going to find that folks here have seriously deep recovery and bucketloads of wisdom.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

tromboneliness

That is exactly the... um, issue at the two ACA meetings in my city. We've had an influx of AA's with shaky recovery, lots of anger, and not much in the way of boundaries showing up at the ACA meetings -- they tend to think that as long as they're staying sober, it's OK to be the same angry, controlling you-know-whats they were when they drank. This makes the meeting a much less safe/comfortable place for the ACA's who came in via the Al-Anon door (which, after all, is where ACA started).

Some of the AA's tell me that in AA, paying too much attention to parent/family issues is frowned upon, because it's seen as avoiding responsibility for their drinking behavior. I understand that, but it's important to leave the other program at the door, when entering an ACA meeting. When the new members start talking about things that led them to drink/use/whatever, and how they behaved as drunks/users, the ACA's feel threatened and triggered, because it's like we're back with our parents again.

Why can't AA's have their own adult-children meetings?

T

DesertEyes

I've started a number of "closed" meetings for exactly that reason. Al-anon will send a fat binder of material that includes everything needed to start a meeting. We do them as a once-a-month potluck, followed by a meeting, at my place. By invitation only ( it's _my_ apartment )

"By invitation only" meetings are common in some areas I've been. In hollywood there are a lot of those for movie stars. I used to sponsor a cop and they have plenty of those kinds of meets too. One of my physicians tells me the medical community has them. When I was involved with the shelters in Vegas my g/f used to have closed meets for battered wives, and they tell me they have them for show-girls as well.

Sometimes the meetings we started grow, and we can move them to a church or police building. Sometimes they don't grow.

Those particular individuals you mention don't need ACA meets. They need to deal with the "dry drunk" issues first. They have no business going anywhere else other than AA or a good shrink.

Mike
p.s. I think we have hijacked flutter's original thread. Shall I move this particular subject to a new thread so flutter can have her own?

Willybluedog

Flutter,

Welcome to you,

I just turned 50 this year and have finally started working on my ACA issues. I won't kid you, it is hard emotional work, but I am starting to come to grips with how the ACA issues affect everything about me.

Take it at your own pace, some weeks I really do well, other weeks I backtrack, but this time I will not quit or hide, I will not shut the closet door on the monsters, I am determined to shine the light on them and make them either battle me head-on or run for the hills.

Hang in there, come back often, we will be here for you!

Kialua

Welcome!

It takes a lot of work and constant vigilance to forgive our alcoholic parents and live it. You missed having a childhood and instead parented your sibling. You didn't deserve that.

For me, it was very hard to get cards with nice sentiments on it from my folks. It was just hard to believe them. My parents never 'fessed up to what they did. My dad wrote me a letter in treatment which blasted me, the 5th child, as the reason for all his problems. This when he was 80. You have a real chance at a relationship with your parents I never had. I'm happy for you. *and jealous*

I would recommend the stickies above, if you haven't already read them. Very useful.

DavidG

Hi Kailua,


I wrote one response to another post you wrote. Have come back here and "listened".

I sense now, once again, that I am not alone...

My dad said two things in the few minutes before he died. One was a horse racing story- that only I could understand. The last, an oath, that i understood as well.

That was worth rubies and gold to me- the family erupted when he died- I just wanted to go and pee on his grave for five years. But I have gotten over it.

Now I want to get over the whole of my life... I am making it one day at a time- with help....

thanks,

DavidG

Kialua

DavidG, well it does get better but I wonder if we ever get over it. It's what we are. But with enough insight and prayer we can overcome and live with it. Hang in there, it's worth it.

DesertEyes

In my experience we do _much_ better than getting over it. I've known many folks who have gone beyond overcoming and living with it. There's some sayings that go 'round the rooms over here, that we become _stronger_ in the broken places. That pain is weakness leaving the body.

That's what I have seen in ACA's that have gone thru recovery. They face life with a depth of courage and dignity that is awesome, far more than in "normies" who knew very little hardship. Just look at the people right here in this forum. Look at the strength with which they deal with the issues and hardships they have today.

We do much better than getting over it. We become the light of hope for others to follow. Doesn't get any better than that.

Mike

tromboneliness

Ha -- and here I go talking about the AA's hijacking my ACA meetings, and I have no boundaries myself!

T