AndreTT

Is this common among ACOAs?

Lately I've been spending a lot time own my own. It's been very good, very healing. I'm also realizing that I possibly have hidden my true self all my life. I feel like I've never been honest. I feel like no person truly knows me.
When I'm alone I act VERY different than when I'm with "friends", or my parents or whatever people that know me for long.
I cant wait to get out of my house and go live somewhere far away.
Does anyone relate?

frances2011

Yes, I relate. When we live in intolerable, dysfunctional environments, we do what we need to do to survive, including wearing a mask.

When I was able to choose my own living space, I was able to start building a life that is happy and content and true to myself. I am still on the Recovery journey and moving in a positive direction.

Welcome! If you haven't already, check out the stickies at the top of the ACOA section.

JustAYak

I feel the exact same way. Haven't gotten too far yet in the ACoA journey though...

Willybluedog

Yes, you are exactly right, this is very common for us.

If you are interested I have just posted some handouts I received from my therapist.

There is a link on my post under SR photobucket documents.

I am also reading an excellent book, it is a small paperback and is much easier to read than the ACA's "The Big Red Book" it is Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics
by Herbert L Gravitz and Julie D Bowden, I got it on Amazon for $11.00.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

AndreTT

thank you I'm already reading it

m1k3

I have found Buddhism to be a big help as well. It has some very useful tools such as breathe awareness and mindfulness which I have found to be very helpful.

Your friend,

Mo S

I grew up and, was reinforced repeatedly not to BE my true self. I too find spending time alone as very healing. When I left home.......everything changed. Then 5 yrs ago I moved 1000 miles away....I feel true freedom today. Many people would bawk and say "well - thats a geographical cure". Yes; it was. And it worked. I wish you well.

PoetryandHums

I identify with this a ton! Sometimes I even feel like I'm not sure who that true self is, she's so buried under layers of opinions and behaviors adopted trying to please others.

LaFemmeNikita

I feel the same way. I act one way in public and am exhausted by the time I get home.

AndreTT

Well, in my case I feel like I need to be financial independent and leave home as soon as possible. I think that's the only way to recover. Even though my father stopped drinking over 12 years ago, when I was still a kid, my home is still in chaos. Lots of crazy making around here.

Looking back, I've always felt like I had to leave home. But I never really took the necessary steps for that to happen, due to my codependent personality. I always focused on other people and never really took care of myself. I've always waited on people to be with me and now I'm almost 22 and I'm really terrified cause all the "friends" I thought would be together with me, they all left, I'm alone.




Yeah me too. My life used to be centered around people. Now that I'm alone I barely know what to do, what I like, how to take care of myself, what's the meaning of my life. And worse, I'm here stuck in my neurotic parents house.

siblingofaddict

Andre,

I haven't posted in awhile but after reading this, I felt I should share. I grew up with an ACA mother who acted like a "dry drunk" and an older brother who is an addict. I'm 23 and after a year of making excuses, I finally had a push that woke me out of the denial that I had. I had options. Staying at home wasn't easier but it was more comfortable - I was more comfortable with the chaos than anything else more positive that could have taken it's place. But I was choosing to stay there and until I removed myself, my recovery was held back. Moving out was and is one of the hardest things I have ever done. All of a sudden, I was out of excuses to focus on other people instead of taking care of myself. I'm finding out the answers to what I like. I'm figuring out how to live, as me and not another's enabler or caretaker.

I won't lie to you, it's tough and moving out isn't a miracle cure. The only answer for me has been a lot of self-work. It's one step forward and two back. I just had a set back tonight in fact - my roommates got into a shouting match, and I just went back to my old patterns - shutting down emotions. I am now certain I have PTSD from the chaos I grew up with, because faced with similar situations, even away from my dysfunctional family, I felt the same helplessness and pain. The difference is, now I know better (so I can do better.) Couldn't sleep after, but here I am at 1 a.m., on good ole sober recovery. and it's helping.

Recovery is hard. and scary. but no matter what there are always options (power) and now, with SR, tools (means). All that is missing is the will. (decision). Best of luck to you, I hope you find a way to your recovery soon. Progress, not perfection...

Whitefox

I can't speak for everyone, but it definitively feels like this for me. I believe I appreciate solitude more than regular people.

Kialua

I have always wanted to move away far from my family of origin but it never happened. That way their craziness and not connecting with them could have been reasoned as they are too far away.

But instead I cocooned away in my home. I have worked from my home with a business partner online for decades. We would go to see clients but aside from that I worked alone at home. The last few years my biz partner has stopped working so I have been home alone even more.

Yesterday I saw a friend that I used to work with and she was stunned that I was home "doing nothing". She asked me what do you do with your days? and I was stunned that people think being home alone is odd. ha ha. I love it. I do my crafts, cook supper for my husband, visit friends, go shopping. It's endless. And of course I love just being alone, reading. One of my most relaxing things to do is have the tv on to an old movie with no sound, have music on, and read books while snacking. Don't get to pull that off too often but love it. And when the weather is nice, if I have time, reading by the lake shore can be an all day affair.

Being alone is a safe place for ACA who grew up in chaos and never knowing when the other shoe was going to drop. You will discover who you are, give it time. Good luck.

blackandblue

I can relate to this completely and it started years ago when a friend pointed out to me that she felt like I was putting on an act around her. In other words, a mask, a facade, a guard, etc. At that time I was in my mid twenties and not entirely ready to hear or understand what she was saying. She mentioned that she felt the man I was with at the time was not "the one." I thought that was bold and maybe out of line for her to say these things and I ignored that message for a long time. Eventually it dawned on me that she was right and I made a move. A voice woke up inside of me and I had many messages coming from within and outside. I listened and left the relationship and the buried version of myself began to emerge. I spent a lot of time on my own and also with friends. I eventually entered into a new relationship almost 2 years later thinking I was ready and not knowing that codependency was still a major underlying theme in my life. This led to over 2 years of an addictive relationship that only time and distance keeps under control. I have lived away from home (family of origin) for the majority of my adult life in other states and even other countries. That was necessary but the same wounds are with you anywhere you go. I am getting ready to leave again to somewhere pretty far away. It is true that it is easier for me to just be me somewhere else. Whenever I come back, I realize not many have changed except me.