Figuring out my dad
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 8
Figuring out my dad
My dad (age 63) is an adult child of an alcoholic. It hasn't been until the last few years that me and my mom and siblings have noticed a change in behavior/personality. He has always loved kids, but lately has been spending a lot of time with kids from church - taking them on group outings, helping them with homework - always appropriate stuff and never alone with them, but it's like he's becoming obsessed with spending time with them. Our theory is that it's filling some desire to be needed... any ideas out there?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Is he retired? Maybe he is finding some fulfillment in helping with the kids. I know it's hard when my child left home and I considered doing such things, but I have done them for the last 20 years and have no more interest in that. Good for him though as long as he is not alone with them it sounds fine to me. Can you go with him sometime and help out to see what it's like? He might enjoy that as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I can tell you as an ACOA I felt as I had a hole that needed filling.
Before I had children I volunteered with kids in a very bad part of St. Louis, most of their parents were in gangs, had drug and alcohol problems, many were in jail.
For me it was a chance to maybe save some of these kids, show them that someone cared, also there was some pennace for me, my parents are old south redneck racists.
I needed to show people that I was not like my parents, and working with at risk black children was my way of doing that.
I think you are probably right, maybe he does feel needed, are you uncomfortable asking him about it, sometimes people don't realize how things how taken over their lives until someone points it out to them.
Bottom line, he is doing a great service, if he is not shorting time with his family or ignoring other obligations, does it really matter why?
Before I had children I volunteered with kids in a very bad part of St. Louis, most of their parents were in gangs, had drug and alcohol problems, many were in jail.
For me it was a chance to maybe save some of these kids, show them that someone cared, also there was some pennace for me, my parents are old south redneck racists.
I needed to show people that I was not like my parents, and working with at risk black children was my way of doing that.
I think you are probably right, maybe he does feel needed, are you uncomfortable asking him about it, sometimes people don't realize how things how taken over their lives until someone points it out to them.
Bottom line, he is doing a great service, if he is not shorting time with his family or ignoring other obligations, does it really matter why?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 8
thanks for your comments. I do agree that he is doing a great thing... but it is affecting my parent's marriage and now starting to affect us kids as well. Last week he chose to go help an 11 year old girl with homework at 9:30 at night instead of spending the evening with my mom - and it was my dad's birthday. He has asked her permission to go and after she said she'd rather him stay home, he still went - left my mom feeling like he chose this little girl over her. He has done this multiple times after my mom has shared with him that it makes her feel uncomfortable - so yes, in a way he is choosing these kids over family. And the crazy thing, we all have always had a great relationship. I know my dad feels loved and supported by us kids at least. He and my mom have been together for 35 years, and though their marriage hasn't been perfect (whose has?) they definitely are committed to one another.
And as far as spending time alone... the only reason he doesn't spend time alone with the kids is because we all have put our foot down. He doesn't see it as a problem. So, now he just takes a few kids out at a time or goes over to the house of a particular family that has low SES and ESL.
I have joined him to spend time with these kids when I can, but I live 2 hours away. My mom has as well, but my dad just seems obsessed with helping them.
And as far as spending time alone... the only reason he doesn't spend time alone with the kids is because we all have put our foot down. He doesn't see it as a problem. So, now he just takes a few kids out at a time or goes over to the house of a particular family that has low SES and ESL.
I have joined him to spend time with these kids when I can, but I live 2 hours away. My mom has as well, but my dad just seems obsessed with helping them.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Wow, I don't blame you a bit for being concerned, meeting an 11 year old at 9:30 at night, sorry but that's a red flag for me, I thought he was meeting them at church or at school, my 11 year old is in bed by 9PM on school nights and 10PM on weekends.
Is he over there with the girl and her mother? Even if nothing inappropriate is going on someone sure might think otherwise.
Would your parents consider marriage counseling, him blowing your mom off like that is bad for a relationship.
I feel bad for you, wish I had some good advice for you, I have no doubt that if the tables were turned and your mom was heading out like that, it probbably would not go over well.
I hope someone can talk some sense into him before CPS or the Police decide to investigate.
Best of luck to you, if you need to talk, I will be here.
Bill
Is he over there with the girl and her mother? Even if nothing inappropriate is going on someone sure might think otherwise.
Would your parents consider marriage counseling, him blowing your mom off like that is bad for a relationship.
I feel bad for you, wish I had some good advice for you, I have no doubt that if the tables were turned and your mom was heading out like that, it probbably would not go over well.
I hope someone can talk some sense into him before CPS or the Police decide to investigate.
Best of luck to you, if you need to talk, I will be here.
Bill
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 8
Thanks for your empathy, Bill. My parents are in counseling (separately because going together was not working) and the counselor is concerned but my dad is being stubborn. And yes, the whole family - mom and dad and brother were all home when my dad was there helping with homework, but still a red flag, I agree.
We have told my dad what it looks like and how he could be falsely accused, but because he is so convinced that what he is doing is so good, he says he will just deal with it if something comes up.
We have told my dad what it looks like and how he could be falsely accused, but because he is so convinced that what he is doing is so good, he says he will just deal with it if something comes up.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Please don't take offense but choosing to help a little 11 year old girl at night with her 'homework' is weird.
And on his birthday?
What amazes me is how seemingly 'innocent' interests in kids become so common and the family gets used to it that it slowly escalates.
He might be 'grooming' these kids.
I would call the police or CPS immediately.
Stop it now before there is a possiblity that it will esacalate.
This happened in my family. Oh there goes so and so helping out with youngsters. Helping with schoolwork is the first step. Many nights with homework help. What a great guy.
Then some fun, you gotta have some fun, after all the studying. Trips to local amusement parks. Still no one wondering.
Then: a nice big camping trip. A few questions.
Then another one. (The Simples - or my family - just did the ole enabler, ignore, hopefully it will stop type of thing).
Then others getting suspicious.
Still nothing.
More overnight trips.
Then showing movies - bound to be family movies, right?
At this point I was yelling at Simple family what was going on.
They still sat there and one member stated "I told him not to do this anymore".
When someone did do something this turned out to be a truly hideous case.
Not saying this is op's situation but pointing out how clever the grooming process is.
Stop it now.
Better an investigation and he is just truly way interested in helping kids then risking what might be building up.
You have absolutey no idea how this ruins lives and not just the kids' or the perpetrator's.
And on his birthday?
What amazes me is how seemingly 'innocent' interests in kids become so common and the family gets used to it that it slowly escalates.
He might be 'grooming' these kids.
I would call the police or CPS immediately.
Stop it now before there is a possiblity that it will esacalate.
This happened in my family. Oh there goes so and so helping out with youngsters. Helping with schoolwork is the first step. Many nights with homework help. What a great guy.
Then some fun, you gotta have some fun, after all the studying. Trips to local amusement parks. Still no one wondering.
Then: a nice big camping trip. A few questions.
Then another one. (The Simples - or my family - just did the ole enabler, ignore, hopefully it will stop type of thing).
Then others getting suspicious.
Still nothing.
More overnight trips.
Then showing movies - bound to be family movies, right?
At this point I was yelling at Simple family what was going on.
They still sat there and one member stated "I told him not to do this anymore".
When someone did do something this turned out to be a truly hideous case.
Not saying this is op's situation but pointing out how clever the grooming process is.
Stop it now.
Better an investigation and he is just truly way interested in helping kids then risking what might be building up.
You have absolutey no idea how this ruins lives and not just the kids' or the perpetrator's.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
I dunno.....going to help a kid with her homework at 9:30 at night,let alone on his birthday sounds, um, pretty odd. I'm a nanny. The kids do their homework after school and the 11 year old is in bed by 8:30. I absolutely adore those kids but no way would I be helping one of them with their homework late at night on my birthday!! Nor can I imagine a scenario where either the kids or their parents would think it was OK to ask me to.
Seriously......are you sure that is where he went??
Sounds like your parents have a lot of problems in their marriage that I suspect originated long before this and that you shouldn't be in the middle of.
If you want to understand it better maybe you could ask if you could go along sometimes. I suspect that would help you to better see what it is that he is actually doing, getting out of it etc. than asking him.
Plenty of guys love working with kids. I'm not sure where you are coming from that you think this is an ACOA thing?
Seriously......are you sure that is where he went??
Sounds like your parents have a lot of problems in their marriage that I suspect originated long before this and that you shouldn't be in the middle of.
If you want to understand it better maybe you could ask if you could go along sometimes. I suspect that would help you to better see what it is that he is actually doing, getting out of it etc. than asking him.
Plenty of guys love working with kids. I'm not sure where you are coming from that you think this is an ACOA thing?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Originally Posted by MJDustin 
So, now he just takes a few kids out at a time or goes over to the house of a particular family that has low SES and ESL.
But whatever is going on, it's not good. I don't particularly see the connection to AOCA behavior either.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
MJDustin, IMO, your dad's behaviour can be 'ACOA' driven because my ACOA husband also displayed the same kind of obessive behaviour to the point that our marriage almost break down. Perhaps, what your mum should do is pack her case and leave him for a few months and stay with you until he comes back to his senses. If that does not work, send him to therapy.
In my husband's case, he was obsessed with another woman (a few years younger than me) who claimed to be his daughter that he never knew existed. She also told him she was 'abandoned as a child'.
The irony is after seeing her, he himself did not believe she was his daughter (her mother was also involved with other men at the same time, this happened 30+ years ago btw, she did not get my husband's name from her mother but another immediate relative who has not even met him).
He told me he 'wanted to be her father even if he is not her father' because he felt so sorry for her and did not want her to feel rejected.
He told me that my feelings did not count at all because I was not the one who was abandoned as a child.
When I refused to go along with his 'crazy idea' he tried to make me feel guilty by accusing me of being inhumane and not open minded enough.
What upsets me most is the extent he will go to 'help' ie rescue her:- lying to me, contacing her behind my back, roping my daughter into all this without my knowledge. I was so distraught and crying a lot because like your mum, I felt that my husband has chosen another woman (whom i dont believe to be his daughter, who has not been proven to be his daughter because there is no DNA) over me, his wife and our own daughter.
This woman turned out to so manipulative , she knew which buttons to push (the guilt, shame and fear buttons) to get him to do what she wanted. She told him she got proof when she has none. That got him worried and he went along with it due to FEAR that if he said something to the contrary, she will get angry and will sue him in court or start legal proceedings against him.
She even convinced him that DNA is not reliable and he believed her!
During one of our rows, he even threatened to kill himself, which made me more upset. The way I see it:- he is willing to kill himself and leave our young daughter fatherless then face up to tell this woman what he told me that he is not her father.
How crazy is that?
This madness of his came to an abrupt end when I become depressed. I told him I had enough and I am leaving him for good after 23 years of marriage. As soon as he realised that he has to face his own abandonment, then and only then did he came to his senses!
I think this issue is more about him than her. He himself felt 'alone, rejected and abandoned as a child', so he felt the need to rescue her at all costs.My husband has this habit of rescuing stray cats and feeding wild foxes, I now know the reason why.
The problem is sometimes, I felt that my marriage is broken beyond repair due to this issue, I do love my husband but he has hurt me deeply and broken my heart. It will take me sometime to get over this.
I sometimes think my husband is really, really *screw up* in his head.
In my husband's case, he was obsessed with another woman (a few years younger than me) who claimed to be his daughter that he never knew existed. She also told him she was 'abandoned as a child'.
The irony is after seeing her, he himself did not believe she was his daughter (her mother was also involved with other men at the same time, this happened 30+ years ago btw, she did not get my husband's name from her mother but another immediate relative who has not even met him).
He told me he 'wanted to be her father even if he is not her father' because he felt so sorry for her and did not want her to feel rejected.
He told me that my feelings did not count at all because I was not the one who was abandoned as a child.
When I refused to go along with his 'crazy idea' he tried to make me feel guilty by accusing me of being inhumane and not open minded enough.
What upsets me most is the extent he will go to 'help' ie rescue her:- lying to me, contacing her behind my back, roping my daughter into all this without my knowledge. I was so distraught and crying a lot because like your mum, I felt that my husband has chosen another woman (whom i dont believe to be his daughter, who has not been proven to be his daughter because there is no DNA) over me, his wife and our own daughter.
This woman turned out to so manipulative , she knew which buttons to push (the guilt, shame and fear buttons) to get him to do what she wanted. She told him she got proof when she has none. That got him worried and he went along with it due to FEAR that if he said something to the contrary, she will get angry and will sue him in court or start legal proceedings against him.
She even convinced him that DNA is not reliable and he believed her!
During one of our rows, he even threatened to kill himself, which made me more upset. The way I see it:- he is willing to kill himself and leave our young daughter fatherless then face up to tell this woman what he told me that he is not her father.
How crazy is that?
This madness of his came to an abrupt end when I become depressed. I told him I had enough and I am leaving him for good after 23 years of marriage. As soon as he realised that he has to face his own abandonment, then and only then did he came to his senses!
I think this issue is more about him than her. He himself felt 'alone, rejected and abandoned as a child', so he felt the need to rescue her at all costs.My husband has this habit of rescuing stray cats and feeding wild foxes, I now know the reason why.
The problem is sometimes, I felt that my marriage is broken beyond repair due to this issue, I do love my husband but he has hurt me deeply and broken my heart. It will take me sometime to get over this.
I sometimes think my husband is really, really *screw up* in his head.
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