Jil

Hi everyone. I live at home with my alcoholic mother who has been drinking ever since I can remember. I've talked to her about seeking help many times, and she always responded with anger, denial, and 'no'. I myself am an alcoholic, who has been sober for a little over 11 months.

Two days ago I confronted my mom, and like always she got mad and said she 'liked drinking' and didn't want to stop. I finally said that if she didn't seek help, I would no longer have a relationship with her. My reason is that I am so worried about her dying soon, and feel that if she doesn't quit, it's inevitable. Therefore, I feel that separation from her is what I would need to heal. Upon telling her I could no longer be in her life, she started crying and said that she would get help. She even wrote it on paper as a form of reassurance.

We talked last night for four hours, and I really thought we were making some progress. I asked her what she needed from me, and she named a few things (such as attending meetings with her.) Tonight, however, she is extremely intoxicated. I asked her if she was actually trying, and she responded with 'I have to do it for myself.' This is very true, because I also began recovery only when I felt it was necessary. I thought, however, that she might try to show that she was following through on her word.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to do now. I have told her how I feel, she says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but she still got wasted tonight. I know this doesn't happen over night, but I doubt that she'll even make an attempt to get help- especially if she needs to 'do it alone'. From that, I understand it to mean that she will pretend to get help just so I don't leave her.

I feel so helpless, and don't know what to do in this situation. If anyone can offer support or advice, I would appreciate it.

suki44883

Hon, you are helpless against her alcoholism. She is right that it has to be something she wants, and she has to want it more than anything. It doesn't sound like she is there yet.

As for what you should do...you should do whatever is best for you and your well-being. If that means moving out to your own place, then so be it. You've told her your feelings on the matter and she has obviously made her decision. Nothing you can do about that. It's sad, I know, but not all that unusual.

I strongly suggest you attend al-anon meetings. You will get some great face-to-face support from others who are dealing with these same issues. You'll learn how to detach from her actions in order to have peace in your own life.

I know this is hard, but knowing what we can and cannot control can be very helpful at times like this. Her life is her responsibility and your life is yours. Take care of yourself, first.

Willybluedog

Hello Jil, welcome to you, so glad you have joined our family here at SR.

Just as you have to do your recovery on your terms, so does your mom.

Please read the stickies at the top of the page, also you may need counseling and al-anon in addition to AA.

Al-anon will help you set your boundaries, I struggle with this with my mother, I attend therapy weekly to deal with my anger and frustration.

Big hugs to you, if you need to talk or vent, need a shoulder to cry on or some some propping up I will be here.

Big hugs and best of luck.

Bill

tromboneliness

When you set a boundary -- especially by giving an ultimatum -- you have to make it stick. Otherwise, it's business as usual.

She was particularly clever in saying, "I need you to go to meetings with me." This gives her an easy out if you maintain the boundary by sticking to the no-contact ultimatum. She gets to have it both ways -- if you go to meetings with her, she still has you in her life, and can "slip" whenever she feels like it and everything's okay, as long as she goes back to a meeting (with you in tow). On the other hand, if you go no-contact, well, she's got you there, too -- she can keep right on drinking, then say, "I told you I could only stop drinking if you stayed in my life and went to meetings with me."
She's got you right where she wants you. It's amazing how clever and manipulative alcoholics can be. A

I don't have much advice here, other than to go to meetings and just try and figure it out. ACA (ACoA, if you prefer) would also be helpful, if there's a meeting in your area.

Good luck!

T

dothi

Honestly, it sounds like your gut is telling you exactly what you need. There's nothing wrong in deciding to distance with love.

I agree with tromboneliness in that your mom is very clever in enlisting you to have an active role step-by-step (attend the meetings with her) in her recovery. It feeds the perpetual guilt cycle. It passes on the buck. Push come to shove, it still puts the weight of that responsibility onto your shoulders and feeds the myth that she'll finally be a good mom if only you [insert idea of the moment here].

It's hard to resist believing alcoholics mean it when they try to tell you what they need (e.g. come to the meetings with me). The problem is they don't know what they need (hence, they drink). But that doesn't change the fact that it's their responsibility to do the work of figuring out what's missing in their lives and giving it to themselves (rather than trying to get it from their own children). The fact that you're working on identifying what YOU need (stay sober, distance from shame and guilt-inducing relationships) speaks volumes to the work you're doing to break the cycle.

Jil

It's just so hard to leave, because honestly I feel like I'll never be back. I don't know if I have enough faith in her to get sober, especially without me there to ment tion it to her all the time.

Should I keep asking her if she plans on getting help? And should I tell her that if she doesn't seek help in a few weeks I will be leaving her? Or do I just leave it, and when I'm ready to go, do so without a word because she already knows how I feel? I'm so overwhelmed.

tromboneliness

Jil, I hope I didn't come across as too cynical and/or uncaring -- I tend to get a little hyperbolic at times, because of my frustration with alkies and their incessant denial. I have a file of paperwork my Dad saved -- for some reason -- regarding a DUI he had in 1989. You would not believe the rationalizations, justifications, and outright denials he puts down on paper -- he hadn't had much to drink, he was driving erratically because he was looking for a gas station, those field sobriety tests are things he can't normall do anyway (e.g. stand on one leg with his arms by his sides), he's had a brilliant scientific career, which no one could possibly achieve if they were an alcoholic, etc.: "This is not the profile of a drinking man," he writes.

With your mother, the important concept is that she is the only one who can make her sober and healthy. She can try to put the responsibility on you, by saying that you have to go to meetings with her, or that she can't get sober if you get out of her life -- but at the end of the day, that's not true. She can and will get sober, if she decides to do it. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

That said, I can't give you advice on what to do. With my wife, I was very careful never to actually give her an ultimatum, e.g., "stop drinking or I'm out of here," because I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to make it stick. I certainly implied that if she didn't get sober, I was out of there, but I'm pretty sure I never stated it explicitly. The thing is, it's all about focusing on the things that are under your control -- whether or not you have contact with your mother. Whether or not she get sober is out of your hands, no matter what she says. Your choices may be between (a) having a drunk mother in your life, and (b) having no mother in your life. The only way (c) having a sober mother in your life is going to happen, is if she makes it happen.

T