Need Some Advice

Old 02-05-2012, 12:44 PM
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Unhappy Need Some Advice

OK. So, it's a long story, but basically my real father has been in my life for the past 8 years, mostly over the phone. When I first found him, I found my aunt first and she had to ask his permission if I could have his number. At first, he only called me from blocked numbers. I felt like he was analyzing me and he actually stated at one point that he wanted to make sure because some children are vengeful, etc. I shrugged that comment off.

Our first few meetings were all about how his heart got ripped out by my mother and I was taken from him, yadda yadda. I shrugged it off.

He never really calls me to ask how I am doing. He has another family. He barely visits me even though I'm a 2 hour drive, never takes me out, isn't really present in my life at all. I realized through therapy that the reason I don't express my feelings to him and feel like I'm a little girl in my relationship with him is because even though I was taken away from him in a divorce, the child in me feels abandoned by him and rightfully so. It's difficult for me to tell him how I feel because I'm holding onto what little I have of him for dear life in fear of him abandoning me again if I hurt his feelings. Whether that's rational or not, that's the child in me that can't rectify that because he isn't being the father he is supposed to be. All this time, I have been deifying him instead of demanding that he give me a proper father-daughter relationship.

He doesn't make me feel like I'm a part of the family. None of them ever call me, text me, or email me to see how I'm doing. When I have gone to visit them over the holidays in 2009, they wouldn't take me with them to have a family dinner with his wife's mother. My dad's reasoning was that she took a long time to even warm up to him, that she knows about me, but that he wanted to protect me from any bad thing she might try to say. I shrugged that off too, but in therapy, I realized how hurtful his decision actually was. He should've stood up for me in that situation and taken me anyway.

When I've gone through troubling relationships since he has been in my life, he tries to act all fatherly in that he's "skeptical because of what I went through last time", yet he always remained neutral when I was being abused by men instead of acting like a real father I feel like. All this time, the last 8 years, I feel like he has been making me feel like I have to prove myself worthy of his love. My mother was awful to him in their marriage, so as an adult, I do understand his skepticism, but come on! I'm sure he doesn't intentionally do that, but what the hell? I feel like he doesn't really care about me that much. After all, his actions of not being present in my life are all I have to go off of, right?

Which brings me to the part I need advice about. There was a lot of question because my mother cheated on him all of the time. He did mention briefly in the past that there is question in his mind whether or not I'm his biological child. I've started to uncover that in therapy. I forgot about the conversation for some reason for years. So, here I am. I want to ask him why in the hell he didn't do a paternity test back then. I want to tell him how awful he makes me feel as his daughter. I want to ask him for a paternity test, but how do I do that? Who's responsibility is that to cover the cost?

Instead of calling him about all of this, I've been avoiding him. Not only that, but he only tried to call me once in the last month so what's the point anyway. Ugh, this is really frustrating. I don't want to make myself vulnerable to this guy if he isn't even my father. And if he turns out not to be, what will that look like? Will I want him to still be a part of my life and his family? I am scared to death that I would never get the truth out of the mother whom I've had to go no contact with because she was never a mother to me. This sucks!
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Old 02-05-2012, 01:57 PM
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Suffocating, I am so sorry, what a mess for you, my mom cheated on my dad before I was born and it made a real mess of their marriage, but they stayed together, I assume I am his because I look like him, but maybe that is why he was brutal to me growing up.

Do you feel like therapy is helping you deal with all this effectively? I have been reading "the Big Red Book" from ACOA and I see it as a beneficial addition to my weekly therapy. Also, my therapist does EMDR therapy to help me place these raw childhood issues back where they belong (in the childhood memory file drawer).

I had a friend sued for paternity a few years ago and the test cost him $800, but I just looked on ***** and they have a home test you can do for $79.00, if it came back that he absolutely is your biological father maybe he would be able to fully embrace you, there again who knows. If it was me I would want to know the truth so I could deal with it and go forward.

Either way, I will be here to listen and be there for you!

Best of luck and big hugs,

Bill
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Old 02-05-2012, 07:32 PM
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I agree do the test for yourself, not for him. He has shown no desire or interest in you, you deserve better than that. I would pray for him but keep my distance. Keep your heart pure and go on with your life. He is immature and not ready for the gift of you yet. Heal yourself before immersing in this drama.
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Old 02-05-2012, 09:42 PM
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Do you think those cheapy tests are accurate?

Well, it's tough because they seem like a really good bunch of people, he and his new family I mean. I love his wife, who has openly told me that she considers me her daughter, but she has only called me once in the last 8 years. I'm always the one to call and talk to her or facebook her, etc.

My half brothers and sister are really cool too, but they never call and talk to me or email me either.

My dad, well, he is really cool and interesting too. They are very intelligent, moral, have great values, etc, but they just don't seem that interested in my life or visiting me, etc.
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Old 02-05-2012, 11:09 PM
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Maybe they are just aloof, some people have to do all the work in a relationship, have you ever said, "hey guys I wish you would call, write and email more, I feel like I am doimg all the work".

I don't know why the cheap tests would not be relaible, check references, angies list, the BBB etc.

Wish I had some insight, but without being there it's really hard to tell.

I know this, if you need me I will be here for you.

Big hugs,

Bill
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Old 02-06-2012, 07:13 AM
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Suffocating, for the longest time I had this hole in me, due to my AF, that I was trying to fill with relationships with other people. What really started to help me heal was building a relationship with myself. I found out that I didn't need other people to fill that hole, that I could do it myself.

One of the things that really helped me was do doing some self esteem affirmations. I would write in my journal things like "I love me" and "I am enough just as I am". I even took the Beatles song ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE and changed it to "All I need is me" and sing that to myself.

It really worked. One morning I was writing in my journal will I realized that they weren't just affirmations any more. I did love me and I am enough. I'm not there 100 percent of the time but to be there at all is much better than where I was.

Your friend,
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:08 AM
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((((suffocating))))

I guess you could let them know you wish they'd call or write. But it sounds to me like they simply don't see this situation the same way you do, as if they've found a long-lost sister/daughter. My feeling is that actions speak louder than words. Your father's wife says she regards you as a daughter. But she's called once in 8 years. I'm guessing she calls her daughters/sons quite a bit more often. Maybe they are guilty only of being busy and simply not thinking how this feels to you, but to me, their actions speak loudly. I personally would be looking elsewhere for love, joining groups that do things I love (reading clubs, swing dance lessons, a cycling club, a community choir, whatever) and finding friends who appreciate me and want me in their lives.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:25 AM
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I think Evening Rose is probably correct, I was just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and the ability for you to say, hey I made an effort, I reached out, so they cannot come back and say "why didn't you say something, we never knew". On the upside at least they are not hostile, after my upbringing I will take indifferent to hostile any day.

But as Mike says, if you love yourself, the rest of it just falls into place, I know the affirmations seem like something from the Stuart Smalley skts on SNL but they reall do work, I posted a whole set of them in late December if you need some.

Bill
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Old 02-06-2012, 10:30 AM
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I agree with what others have said, Suffocating.

You may want to have a paternity test if only for your own knowledge, but I don't know if a positive test would make them reach out to you more or not.

As others have said, their actions do seem to be speaking for themselves.

You can do what Bill suggested and simply tell them how you feel...that you really want to have contact with them, and interact with them more, but that you feel as though you are putting forth all of the effort...

However, this situation just sounds ripe for a lot of hurt.

I know how you feel, in many ways. My dad was my hero growing up, and he was the one parent I could always count on to be kind, funny, and loving...unlike my mom. But when he remarried, the typical jealous step-mother scenario played out, and I really got cut out of their lives.

He has since made amends, and my dad has expressed his regret for not being more mindful of having me in his life...but, that doesn't change the fact that my three half-brothers, who I feel a deep love for, have never been close to me.
They don't know me. They kind of remember me from their childhood, as I was usually around once a year or so, and I've met up with my youngest brother a few times, but he's busy and lives in a different city about four hours away.

They have all turned out to be awesome people, good people, funny, etc., and I have gone through a roller coaster of feelings when I realize that we will probably never be that close.

My oldest brother (six years younger than me) only lives about a half hour away, and we have yet to get together. I don't put out as much effort as I did before, and I even deleted my middle brother from my Facebook account because he never bothers to respond to anything I send him, messages, etc.

I wish with all of my heart that I could have been a part of their lives and family growing up, but I wasn't. It has been a cold realization for me that, for the most part, they don't think of inviting me to weddings, etc., and only my youngest brother has expressed interest in coming to visit his nephew.

My son is almost nine months old, and my dad is only just now getting around to schedule time to come and see him for the first time...we live in the same state, and he's retired.

They have a great family. We all look very much like my dad, same sense of humor, similar ideologies, etc. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that if we're ever going to be a regular part of each others' lives, it is going to take a really long time for us to get there.

Not exactly the same scenario, but I know how left out I have felt, how wronged I have felt, ripped off, that aching feeling that "this is my family, and I love them...why don't they show more interest in my life???"

It hurts so deeply, and I'm sorry that you're experiencing that. I gave up on my family, and for the most part they actually came around.

As I said in a previous post, that isn't the case for everyone, and I've had to accept that although my dad and brothers mean well and would probably love to see me, they rarely follow through with their good intentions.

My mom's side of the family, however, were very close to me while I was growing up, and they *never* contact me when they're coming into town. Ever. They never make an effort to come and see me, I have to make the effort to drive over the mountain pass to see them.
And even then, I get the feeling that although it's nice to see each other, they're so wrapped up with their own lives that it's almost a chore when we come over. So I do it about once a year, and call every once in a while.
They never call me.

Anyway, that's my experience to share, and it does hurt so much...but I've given up on thinking that they'll ever be much different than they are now.

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Old 02-06-2012, 06:55 PM
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And on that note...

I just got off the phone with my own dad, who is allegedly coming to visit us (and his grandson, for the first time) this weekend. Of course my step-mom "may not make it", but she will certainly be visiting my oldest half-brother, as he only lives about a half hour from us. In other words, it's worth it for her to make the trip up to see her own son, but it's too much effort to come along an extra half-hour to visit my family.

Nice, considering how she treated me when I was young (literally like a red headed step-child, as if I were somehow repulsive).

So the plan is (supposedly) that at least my dad and brother will be coming up to visit on Saturday to see my son for the first time.

I have my own doubts that my brother will show, and not be hijacked somehow by my step-mother. I have doubts that it will even happen at all, which is sad.

We'll see how that all pans out in real life.

It's sad and depressing how we can all become so excited by these prospects, but so suspicious of them at the same time, and so wary of the good intentions that are never followed through on.

Again, I just wanted to share my experience, as I can deeply empathize with how you feel on many levels.

:horse
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Old 02-07-2012, 08:58 AM
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Plath, I agree don't expect much from the rest of them. It's nice that your Dad even called and wants to see you. Forget your Step Mom and don't let it get to you, I know that is tall order. Let us know how it goes. Praying for you.
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Old 02-07-2012, 02:42 PM
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I'm not sure what all to say because this is a sensitive area for me, too.

Your father may never be the father that you want him to be. That is the attitude I've gone to in my life. When it comes to my father, I'd more like to accept that he is who he is. It is not my fault that he does the things he does. It's not that I'm not worthy, or I'm not good enough, or I said the wrong thing when I was 5, etc. Who knows what it is. Maybe it is easier for me because I have no relationship with him at all (mostly by choice). That's when I find the inner child work to be helpful. I can be my own parent and take care of myself. Yes, I was hurt as a kid because I didn't have a father. As an adult, I can fulfill my own needs. I hope that makes sense.
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