not in a good place today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
not in a good place today
soooooo not in a good place today. I am feeling like a right martyr.
I don't know if it is because I started thinking about childhood stuff more yesterday, or just not in a good place.
NOthing has changed from last week, nothing has changed from two days ago.
Yesterday, I got home from work and had the huuuuuuuugest urge to check up on my husband to see if he had been smoking pot (this is something I am working on in Al Anon). I am wondering if its because my anxieties/fears were provoked from thinking so much yesterday????
Anyway, I knew my motives were wrong so I didn't check up on my husband. I deliberately stayed out of the room where his pot is. I did deep breathing and 'handing it over' visualisation. I pretty much knew he woudl have smoked yesterday morning before work, its his new pattern. When he got home, his eyes had the look of 'come down', I know what I mean by that. The red rim on the bottom of his eyes. Its different to just tired. Anyway, usually I would ask him, and lately he has been telling me the truth. I didn't ask him. It was like a bad itch that I couldn't get to. I knew the answer why ask the question. But it was itching at me. I put my Al Anon into play
Why yesterday after being really good for athe past few weeks about handing it over, why was it an issue for me yesterday?
He annoyed me when he said he fell asleep at lunch time at work. He has been doing that alot lately and I think it is the long term effect of smoking a few times a week every week for the past year. He disagrees., so I have said well go see someone about it then if you are doing that, you may be anaemic? I have said several times what I think it is. He still disagrees. Yesterday I said to him again to go to a doctor as this isn't right. Usually I would have said.. well.. did you ahve a smoke? Could that explain it? I didn't yesterday. I said to him, "If you honestly believe it has nothing to do with your smoking.... then go to a doc cos it's not right" He again argued the point, didn't say if he smoked or didn't smoke and I didn't ask. I just said "Look go or don't go, its up to you, but you are not right for some reason". I stopped the conversation there.
I was already in a 'strange' mood. I am feeling like a right martyr at the moment. I was feeling lost and I have no idea what the other feelings were. I was low and flat and sad and angry and bored and wanted to comfort eat (I didn't), I wanted to have an all out screaming match about HIS smoking. I was so pent up. I knew it was not the time to talk about anything so I just stayed quiet all night.
He asked me what was wrong and I said that I honestly didn't know. And I didn't/don't.
Me being me, when the lights are out and we are going to sleep, I want to talk. I said to him that I feel/think that everythign is revolving around him in our lives. I feel like I am living his life. He said I have to find something.. he is right.. and I said so .. but its also more than that. He fell asleep and the conversation stopped.
He has two jobs and one of them is a 'lifestyle' job. I dont' want to write it here but it dictates when and how much he can eat and exercise and it is very strictly conditioned with rules etc. It is a lifestyle choice of a job. It effects my life too, so I have to live that if I want to stay married to him. It is NOT a bad thing please don't think I don't like it, I am very proud of his athletic accomplishments but that fact remains, it is part of my/our life and it takes effort.
He wants to own a business (buy his current boss out) and I said I didn't want to own a business. Long story short, it is his dream and he is looking into it. Another life change. I spoke to several people and I have told him I will not be involved in the business, it is his work, and I will maintain my own career. It will not be a family business. But again, it is a significant part of our lives on his dream.
Fishing and hunting and camping. He loves it, I don't. So what do we have now, a boat and a 4WD to go bush. and he goes often on the one day off we have together.
don't get me wrong.. its great he has a life adn does what he wants.. but where is Linda in all of this???????? I don't have any interests. I can't even think of something I would like to do to put the focus on me. I study, I am doing a Graduate Certificate and I organise and plan everything in our lives. Holidays an the budget etc.
We travel overseas and interstate, we both love our animals.
I think it is stemming from my fear and anxiety adn for some reason... talking about stuff yesterday put me on a downer so now I have to find something wrong to put me back into depression so I feel 'normal' again... does that make any sense at all????? This mornig I was still agitated. I paced the room and I gave in and checked his pot drawer. Of course it told me nothing because Ihaven't looked for so long..... it told me he smoked pot.. theres a shocker for ya hey... I ended up very frustrated adn I screamed blue murder into my pilow and punched the pillow and the bed and yelled at him in my pillow (he was at work, his first job), I screamed at him to just stop.. just stop... this isn't fair.. basically I was having a 5 year old tanty. I felt a little better afterward. My morning has not gotten any better though.. I spilled coffee all over my car and then had a bad hour or so at work.
Is this part of the recovery path??????? I posted this on another board also and hoping to get lots of insight from the people here and on the other board.
I don't know if it is because I started thinking about childhood stuff more yesterday, or just not in a good place.
NOthing has changed from last week, nothing has changed from two days ago.
Yesterday, I got home from work and had the huuuuuuuugest urge to check up on my husband to see if he had been smoking pot (this is something I am working on in Al Anon). I am wondering if its because my anxieties/fears were provoked from thinking so much yesterday????
Anyway, I knew my motives were wrong so I didn't check up on my husband. I deliberately stayed out of the room where his pot is. I did deep breathing and 'handing it over' visualisation. I pretty much knew he woudl have smoked yesterday morning before work, its his new pattern. When he got home, his eyes had the look of 'come down', I know what I mean by that. The red rim on the bottom of his eyes. Its different to just tired. Anyway, usually I would ask him, and lately he has been telling me the truth. I didn't ask him. It was like a bad itch that I couldn't get to. I knew the answer why ask the question. But it was itching at me. I put my Al Anon into play
Why yesterday after being really good for athe past few weeks about handing it over, why was it an issue for me yesterday?
He annoyed me when he said he fell asleep at lunch time at work. He has been doing that alot lately and I think it is the long term effect of smoking a few times a week every week for the past year. He disagrees., so I have said well go see someone about it then if you are doing that, you may be anaemic? I have said several times what I think it is. He still disagrees. Yesterday I said to him again to go to a doctor as this isn't right. Usually I would have said.. well.. did you ahve a smoke? Could that explain it? I didn't yesterday. I said to him, "If you honestly believe it has nothing to do with your smoking.... then go to a doc cos it's not right" He again argued the point, didn't say if he smoked or didn't smoke and I didn't ask. I just said "Look go or don't go, its up to you, but you are not right for some reason". I stopped the conversation there.
I was already in a 'strange' mood. I am feeling like a right martyr at the moment. I was feeling lost and I have no idea what the other feelings were. I was low and flat and sad and angry and bored and wanted to comfort eat (I didn't), I wanted to have an all out screaming match about HIS smoking. I was so pent up. I knew it was not the time to talk about anything so I just stayed quiet all night.
He asked me what was wrong and I said that I honestly didn't know. And I didn't/don't.
Me being me, when the lights are out and we are going to sleep, I want to talk. I said to him that I feel/think that everythign is revolving around him in our lives. I feel like I am living his life. He said I have to find something.. he is right.. and I said so .. but its also more than that. He fell asleep and the conversation stopped.
He has two jobs and one of them is a 'lifestyle' job. I dont' want to write it here but it dictates when and how much he can eat and exercise and it is very strictly conditioned with rules etc. It is a lifestyle choice of a job. It effects my life too, so I have to live that if I want to stay married to him. It is NOT a bad thing please don't think I don't like it, I am very proud of his athletic accomplishments but that fact remains, it is part of my/our life and it takes effort.
He wants to own a business (buy his current boss out) and I said I didn't want to own a business. Long story short, it is his dream and he is looking into it. Another life change. I spoke to several people and I have told him I will not be involved in the business, it is his work, and I will maintain my own career. It will not be a family business. But again, it is a significant part of our lives on his dream.
Fishing and hunting and camping. He loves it, I don't. So what do we have now, a boat and a 4WD to go bush. and he goes often on the one day off we have together.
don't get me wrong.. its great he has a life adn does what he wants.. but where is Linda in all of this???????? I don't have any interests. I can't even think of something I would like to do to put the focus on me. I study, I am doing a Graduate Certificate and I organise and plan everything in our lives. Holidays an the budget etc.
We travel overseas and interstate, we both love our animals.
I think it is stemming from my fear and anxiety adn for some reason... talking about stuff yesterday put me on a downer so now I have to find something wrong to put me back into depression so I feel 'normal' again... does that make any sense at all????? This mornig I was still agitated. I paced the room and I gave in and checked his pot drawer. Of course it told me nothing because Ihaven't looked for so long..... it told me he smoked pot.. theres a shocker for ya hey... I ended up very frustrated adn I screamed blue murder into my pilow and punched the pillow and the bed and yelled at him in my pillow (he was at work, his first job), I screamed at him to just stop.. just stop... this isn't fair.. basically I was having a 5 year old tanty. I felt a little better afterward. My morning has not gotten any better though.. I spilled coffee all over my car and then had a bad hour or so at work.
Is this part of the recovery path??????? I posted this on another board also and hoping to get lots of insight from the people here and on the other board.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Are you wanting to change him or are you wanting to change you? Looking at it from the outside you all have very different hobbies, goals, desires etc. Is compromise even a consideration? You don't seem to want the same things which in my opinion is unsustainanble long term.
Think long and hard about what you want, if he buys this business are you taking on the debt too?
Can you agree that he hunts/camps two days a month and spends two with you?
None of this is about working programs, it is about compatability, love and compromise.
You have to be crystal clear about what you want if you are going to figure this out.
Bill
Think long and hard about what you want, if he buys this business are you taking on the debt too?
Can you agree that he hunts/camps two days a month and spends two with you?
None of this is about working programs, it is about compatability, love and compromise.
You have to be crystal clear about what you want if you are going to figure this out.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
Bill I want to change me.
I think much of this is about my controlling and just feeling down right sorry for myself and having a life that I have always been so enmeshed in my partners, I have no idea where I start or stop.
Yeah I have tried the compromise. Yes the business means debt for me also as it will be our house that is on the line. I am not so much worried about the money side of it, that can be worked out, I am more concerned that from what I see, people who own businesses are never home!!! Their family life is **** while they are at work. Yes I have written my lists of requests about how much time is to be devoted to home life and so on. Remember I am dealing with a person who is also a drug addict and is often selfish so promises are of little meaning to me. They are always broken anway so I am not holding my breath. If it happens that he buys it, and if it happens I never see him, I will bring out the list and show him. If it doesn't change then yes that will be another nail in our coffin.
He doesn't go camping or fishing too much. He goes about once or twice a month. As I say, this is more about my problems with it. He smokes pot all day when he is out and that concerns me. But again, that is his life hey.
I need to get a life don't I
I think much of this is about my controlling and just feeling down right sorry for myself and having a life that I have always been so enmeshed in my partners, I have no idea where I start or stop.
Yeah I have tried the compromise. Yes the business means debt for me also as it will be our house that is on the line. I am not so much worried about the money side of it, that can be worked out, I am more concerned that from what I see, people who own businesses are never home!!! Their family life is **** while they are at work. Yes I have written my lists of requests about how much time is to be devoted to home life and so on. Remember I am dealing with a person who is also a drug addict and is often selfish so promises are of little meaning to me. They are always broken anway so I am not holding my breath. If it happens that he buys it, and if it happens I never see him, I will bring out the list and show him. If it doesn't change then yes that will be another nail in our coffin.
He doesn't go camping or fishing too much. He goes about once or twice a month. As I say, this is more about my problems with it. He smokes pot all day when he is out and that concerns me. But again, that is his life hey.
I need to get a life don't I
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Linda,
If you are like me when you married you thought you were getting a life wife someone you loved and who wanted to be with you whenever possible. The longer my first wife and I were married the more hours she worked, then it was the bars with work friends.
I liked being at home, working on our house and garden, having people over to BBQ and swim.
In the end we just could not hold it together, thank god we did not have any kids.
I wish I had some breathtaking revelations or amazing insights, do you have any time to do any volunteer work? I found that when I was confused and hurting, working with at risk kids got me far enough outside myself that it gave me clarity about my own situation, where to much quiet time and meditation caused me to overthink everything.
If you are like me when you married you thought you were getting a life wife someone you loved and who wanted to be with you whenever possible. The longer my first wife and I were married the more hours she worked, then it was the bars with work friends.
I liked being at home, working on our house and garden, having people over to BBQ and swim.
In the end we just could not hold it together, thank god we did not have any kids.
I wish I had some breathtaking revelations or amazing insights, do you have any time to do any volunteer work? I found that when I was confused and hurting, working with at risk kids got me far enough outside myself that it gave me clarity about my own situation, where to much quiet time and meditation caused me to overthink everything.
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