A littel obssesed with a work problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
A littel obssesed with a work problem
hi all,
I'm an acoa with alcoholic grandparents. I like my job and want
to keep it. The problem I'm having is that I just made a formal
complaint against an abusive person at my job, and am feeling
a little nervous about how this will resolve itself.
My job is on-call, so I'm going to have to wait a while until
I next have contact with them - probably next Friday when
I get my paycheck will start to give me a clue about how it's
going down.
I'm basically trying to remind myself that obssessing about it
is really not being kind to myself. I need to think about good things
in the moment. No matter what happens, my serenity is more
important than anything else. Easy to tell myself, hard to do.
How do you do it?
I'm an acoa with alcoholic grandparents. I like my job and want
to keep it. The problem I'm having is that I just made a formal
complaint against an abusive person at my job, and am feeling
a little nervous about how this will resolve itself.
My job is on-call, so I'm going to have to wait a while until
I next have contact with them - probably next Friday when
I get my paycheck will start to give me a clue about how it's
going down.
I'm basically trying to remind myself that obssessing about it
is really not being kind to myself. I need to think about good things
in the moment. No matter what happens, my serenity is more
important than anything else. Easy to tell myself, hard to do.
How do you do it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
You have seen a situation that is unacceptable to you.
You have had the courage to change the things you can in the way that you know how to do that.
You have put the wheels in motion and those wheels will turn wether you stress about it, or you do not stress about it.
Instead of just worrying, how about putting a plan in place for yourself?
I do not know your work so don't know exactly what nature that plan would take, but perhaps a 'safety' plan for your serenity.
When yo usee the person next, or think you will, do some deep breathing and chose not to engage.
Just a thought
You have had the courage to change the things you can in the way that you know how to do that.
You have put the wheels in motion and those wheels will turn wether you stress about it, or you do not stress about it.
Instead of just worrying, how about putting a plan in place for yourself?
I do not know your work so don't know exactly what nature that plan would take, but perhaps a 'safety' plan for your serenity.
When yo usee the person next, or think you will, do some deep breathing and chose not to engage.
Just a thought
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
First of all document everything that happens with this person and your employers response, be sure to put down dates, times, witnesses, etc.
I found that documenting problems had a calming effect while also providing ammunition for my bosses and for human resources (and attorneys if it ever come to that).
Also make it clear to this person that you are documenting their abuse and talking to management and HR, if they know you are not going to put up with their crap it is likely to stop.
I found that documenting problems had a calming effect while also providing ammunition for my bosses and for human resources (and attorneys if it ever come to that).
Also make it clear to this person that you are documenting their abuse and talking to management and HR, if they know you are not going to put up with their crap it is likely to stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Hi, thanks everyone!
Linda18, what kind of safety plan? Like a plan to get another job?
Hmm, as for not engaging, I've already only been speaking to her
(she's like an assistant manager) when absolutely necessary,
for many months. Still the abuse continued on in other ways.
Hi Willybluedog,
I just did document everything, in my formal complaint,
going back to last November. I had 3 pages of stuff,
but made it very concise and businesslike.
I have good reason to not be too worried, but yet
I still am. I think it's very important to not let this
assistant manager know anything, as I have come
to believe that she is a psychopath. The only thing
that's going to do me any good is to get out of
her clutches altogether, so I'm requesting that -
I don't want anything further to do with her.
Fortunately it is possible to do that, and still
be able to my do job, because we are all basically
like interchangeable parts on my job. BUT this
assistant manager has got Boss #1 (referred to
below)totally hoodwinked, and he loves her no
matter what.
__
It's a small company with no HR department. I've been with them
a long time. I basically have 2 bosses: Boss #1 is the main one,
and Boss #2 varies between being a boss and an assistant manager.
When Boss #2 and I both work under Boss #1, she is an assistant
manager - same as the psychopath assistant manager.
Boss #2 is a kind and caring person, and she also is married
to a company bigwig, whose job does involve dealing with
employees. She's the one who talked me into making the
formal complaint, not just for myself but for everyone
else who was too afraid (there have been many) to come
forward. She hand carried my letter herself, down to the
office, to give it to her husband.
Yet I'm still nervous, because I don't really know how vindictive
or not, Boss #1 may be about it. I told Boss #2, I know what
happens when you go over the Boss's head. She said he is out
of town right now, and won't be back until October, and somebody
else already made a complaint.
So you see, my continuing to obssess is probably more
about my own co-dependence. Ugh!
PS: Oh yeah, Boss #2 also said to me that Boss #1
won't be with them much longer, as he's getting too sick
to work (which I knew), but it's anybody's guess how
much longer he can hang in there. He refuses to
quit.
Linda18, what kind of safety plan? Like a plan to get another job?
Hmm, as for not engaging, I've already only been speaking to her
(she's like an assistant manager) when absolutely necessary,
for many months. Still the abuse continued on in other ways.
Hi Willybluedog,
I just did document everything, in my formal complaint,
going back to last November. I had 3 pages of stuff,
but made it very concise and businesslike.
I have good reason to not be too worried, but yet
I still am. I think it's very important to not let this
assistant manager know anything, as I have come
to believe that she is a psychopath. The only thing
that's going to do me any good is to get out of
her clutches altogether, so I'm requesting that -
I don't want anything further to do with her.
Fortunately it is possible to do that, and still
be able to my do job, because we are all basically
like interchangeable parts on my job. BUT this
assistant manager has got Boss #1 (referred to
below)totally hoodwinked, and he loves her no
matter what.
__
It's a small company with no HR department. I've been with them
a long time. I basically have 2 bosses: Boss #1 is the main one,
and Boss #2 varies between being a boss and an assistant manager.
When Boss #2 and I both work under Boss #1, she is an assistant
manager - same as the psychopath assistant manager.
Boss #2 is a kind and caring person, and she also is married
to a company bigwig, whose job does involve dealing with
employees. She's the one who talked me into making the
formal complaint, not just for myself but for everyone
else who was too afraid (there have been many) to come
forward. She hand carried my letter herself, down to the
office, to give it to her husband.
Yet I'm still nervous, because I don't really know how vindictive
or not, Boss #1 may be about it. I told Boss #2, I know what
happens when you go over the Boss's head. She said he is out
of town right now, and won't be back until October, and somebody
else already made a complaint.
So you see, my continuing to obssess is probably more
about my own co-dependence. Ugh!
PS: Oh yeah, Boss #2 also said to me that Boss #1
won't be with them much longer, as he's getting too sick
to work (which I knew), but it's anybody's guess how
much longer he can hang in there. He refuses to
quit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Well it sounds like you are covering all your bases at work, is there a local or state agency you can contact?
Would preparation for a restraining order be appropriate since you believe she is a psycho?
Also is she just nuts or is she targeting you for a specific reason that you could use (sexual orientation, religion, age, size, color, etc.) in your complaint.
Interestingly right after I responded to your initial query I read an article on workplace bullying on ***** business, you should take a look, it is very interesting.
Would preparation for a restraining order be appropriate since you believe she is a psycho?
Also is she just nuts or is she targeting you for a specific reason that you could use (sexual orientation, religion, age, size, color, etc.) in your complaint.
Interestingly right after I responded to your initial query I read an article on workplace bullying on ***** business, you should take a look, it is very interesting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Taralom 
Hi, thanks everyone!
Linda18, what kind of safety plan? Like a plan to get another job?
Linda18, what kind of safety plan? Like a plan to get another job?
I was thinking along the lines of not being alone with the person, making appointments to talk to them and having an agenda for yourself so if your fear takes over, you can still keep to the points you had to talk about.
As I have no idea what your work is, or the environment in which you work, it is hard to make firm suggestions. I do not know if you are professional, blue collar, tradesperson or what, so I don't know if you may be on a building site or in a classroom or an office. You can take the thought that I have and adapt it if you like it, or you can leave it here if you like.
I was also thinking that ensuring on the days you know you have to work with the person, making a lunch date with a friend half way through, keeping your mobile on you so you can ring someone if it gets too much for you. I don't know if you work in an office or outside or what, but I work in an office environment and I have written on my pin board a message to myself.. easy does it, and how important is it? I keep my door closed on bad days.
Just ideas to try to keep you sane while this is going on. Your own 'sanity safety' plan
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-03-2011 at 11:47 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Willybluedog
Well it sounds like you are covering all your bases at work, is there a local or state agency you can contact?
Would preparation for a restraining order be appropriate since you believe she is a psycho?
Also is she just nuts or is she targeting you for a specific reason that you could use (sexual orientation, religion, age, size, color, etc.) in your complaint.
Interestingly right after I responded to your initial query I read an article on workplace bullying on ***** business, you should take a look, it is very interesting.
Would preparation for a restraining order be appropriate since you believe she is a psycho?
Also is she just nuts or is she targeting you for a specific reason that you could use (sexual orientation, religion, age, size, color, etc.) in your complaint.
Interestingly right after I responded to your initial query I read an article on workplace bullying on ***** business, you should take a look, it is very interesting.
,I don't know about an agency; I think I'd rather work things out
within the company.
I haven't thought about a restraining order, but will keep that
in mind. She could probably get a hold of my phone number,
but that's about it. We start our shifts at different times, so she
couldn't follow me home or something. My address would not be
available to her, "out in the field." I am not listed in the phone book.
She is targeting me specifically because I am resisting her, even
with showing my displeasure by not speaking to her. She is
a minority herself, and I am a female caucasian. She doesn't
discriminate by race or gender; she abuses everybody.
I believe that psychopaths are indeed mentally ill. I've learned
that there is a biological aspect - the lack of oxytocin receptors -
but that by itself doesn't explain all of it. Autistic people, for example,
also don't feel emotions the way we do (as I understand it), but
they don't have the same predatory nature.
No, there is something else wrong with them in addition to the
lack of oxytocin receptors. in my opinion.
She has all of the symptoms of a psychopath - every one of them.
I've known this person for a long time.
Do you have a link to that article? I couldn't find it
on ***** news.
Anyway, I want to be able to make this serenity now thing
second nature, I wish I already had that down pat.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Taralom,
I could not find the link but I searched "workplace bullying" on ***** and in the last week there are a bunch of articles, the best seems to be from USA today 5 days ago also check out the Workplace Bullying Institute.
I feel really bad for you, I have found in the past when it is a white person up against the minority usually the white person loses because of lack of status to pursue litigation.
Do you have any idea what the laws are on tapeing conversations either voice or video?
One other idea, you could ask your regular supervisor if on the occasions when this woman acts as your superior is it allright to get your assignments in writing.
Another idea Lindsey Novak is a workplace advice columnist for creators syndicate her email is linseynovak******.com she answers all emails. I have read her advice for about a year now and she seems to know her stuff.
Hope this helps,
Bill
I could not find the link but I searched "workplace bullying" on ***** and in the last week there are a bunch of articles, the best seems to be from USA today 5 days ago also check out the Workplace Bullying Institute.
I feel really bad for you, I have found in the past when it is a white person up against the minority usually the white person loses because of lack of status to pursue litigation.
Do you have any idea what the laws are on tapeing conversations either voice or video?
One other idea, you could ask your regular supervisor if on the occasions when this woman acts as your superior is it allright to get your assignments in writing.
Another idea Lindsey Novak is a workplace advice columnist for creators syndicate her email is linseynovak******.com she answers all emails. I have read her advice for about a year now and she seems to know her stuff.
Hope this helps,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone,
I went in to my office today to get my check, and so far so good.
Nobody wanted to interview me about my letter of complaint,
and I got a work schedule for September and October.
I guess I have to pretty much wait until Boss #2 comes back
in a month, to find out what her bigwig husband said or intends
to do. It's ok because Boss #1 is also gone until October, and
this psychopath assistant manager only works under Boss #1.
So I have to just be extremely discreet, and work very well with every
body else in the meantime.
@Linda: I don't work in an office but it doesn't matter because the only solution is to get away from her permanently.
@Willybluedog: I live in a "two-party" state, meaning it's illegal to secretly
tape someone. Anyway, the only thing that's going to work is for them to let me have nothing further to do with her, and still keep my job. Or else
get another job.
I'm gradually starting to feel better, but am still not happy about doing
this neurotic fear thing to myself.
I went in to my office today to get my check, and so far so good.
Nobody wanted to interview me about my letter of complaint,
and I got a work schedule for September and October.
I guess I have to pretty much wait until Boss #2 comes back
in a month, to find out what her bigwig husband said or intends
to do. It's ok because Boss #1 is also gone until October, and
this psychopath assistant manager only works under Boss #1.
So I have to just be extremely discreet, and work very well with every
body else in the meantime.
@Linda: I don't work in an office but it doesn't matter because the only solution is to get away from her permanently.
@Willybluedog: I live in a "two-party" state, meaning it's illegal to secretly
tape someone. Anyway, the only thing that's going to work is for them to let me have nothing further to do with her, and still keep my job. Or else
get another job.
I'm gradually starting to feel better, but am still not happy about doing
this neurotic fear thing to myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH
Posts: 31
bully
Hi,
I'm returning to this board after a long absence....
I also have a bully for a boss and filed a formal EEO complaint against him.
While I was proud of myself for doing so, it got to be quite a stressful situation for me. It felt like my supervisor was in turn doing whatever he could to catch me doing something wrong and it felt like he was out to get me fired. He would discipline me for things he didn't discipline anyone else for.
Despite the fact my union steward has won several grievances against said supervisor- he has no experience in the EEO process.
I felt as if I was walking on eggshells and my job performance suffered.
Long story short- the postal attorney and myself reached an settlement. And I am very much relieved because July was the court date in Boston. I couldn't afford an attorney. It would have been myself and my union steward vs. the postal attorney, supervisor, plus 2 postmasters.
At this point I feel very relieved that I didn't have to go to Boston for a hearing. Another woman has filed a complaint against same boss and said she will take hers further.
The irony is that supervisor's boss (the postmaster) is a woman. Apparently the stewards from both the rural carriers and city carriers have joined together in filing an EEO complaint against the postmaster for creating a hostile work environment. And our supervisor is one who is part of that complaint! lol.
The way I look at it is I got paid money because my boss is a jerk. Karma is in play because he hates women and his boss is a female and he feels she is creating a hostile work environment.
This is in no way to discourage your efforts at all. It takes a lot of courage to step up, especially when others do not bother to do so because they are afraid of retaliation.
My sponsor reminded me I have choices. I needed to either leave or learn to accept the work situation and change my attitude towards it. Whenever an incident would happen- I would tell myself to not be so shocked- this is what bullies do- they bully.
This process took over a year and I admit sometimes I allowed it to rent too much space in my head. And he simply isn't worth it.
I feel as if I have a clean slate. Supervisor has been acting decently towards me lately. I know this won't last because a tiger doesn't change its stripes. (or is it a leopard doesn't change it's spots?) Anyway, my serenity certainly isn't going to depend upon his behavior.
I wish you the best of luck.
laurie
I'm returning to this board after a long absence....
I also have a bully for a boss and filed a formal EEO complaint against him.
While I was proud of myself for doing so, it got to be quite a stressful situation for me. It felt like my supervisor was in turn doing whatever he could to catch me doing something wrong and it felt like he was out to get me fired. He would discipline me for things he didn't discipline anyone else for.
Despite the fact my union steward has won several grievances against said supervisor- he has no experience in the EEO process.
I felt as if I was walking on eggshells and my job performance suffered.
Long story short- the postal attorney and myself reached an settlement. And I am very much relieved because July was the court date in Boston. I couldn't afford an attorney. It would have been myself and my union steward vs. the postal attorney, supervisor, plus 2 postmasters.
At this point I feel very relieved that I didn't have to go to Boston for a hearing. Another woman has filed a complaint against same boss and said she will take hers further.
The irony is that supervisor's boss (the postmaster) is a woman. Apparently the stewards from both the rural carriers and city carriers have joined together in filing an EEO complaint against the postmaster for creating a hostile work environment. And our supervisor is one who is part of that complaint! lol.
The way I look at it is I got paid money because my boss is a jerk. Karma is in play because he hates women and his boss is a female and he feels she is creating a hostile work environment.
This is in no way to discourage your efforts at all. It takes a lot of courage to step up, especially when others do not bother to do so because they are afraid of retaliation.
My sponsor reminded me I have choices. I needed to either leave or learn to accept the work situation and change my attitude towards it. Whenever an incident would happen- I would tell myself to not be so shocked- this is what bullies do- they bully.
This process took over a year and I admit sometimes I allowed it to rent too much space in my head. And he simply isn't worth it.
I feel as if I have a clean slate. Supervisor has been acting decently towards me lately. I know this won't last because a tiger doesn't change its stripes. (or is it a leopard doesn't change it's spots?) Anyway, my serenity certainly isn't going to depend upon his behavior.
I wish you the best of luck.
laurie
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