Another bit of peace
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Another bit of peace
I have mentioned that my family objects to my children, calling them 'out of control.' I have had plenty of friends tell me that's ridiculous, and they're quite nice kids, and very respectful and polite. I hear this from teachers, too. When we take them out to dinner, people often approach us to tell us how well-behaved they are.
But I keep hearing from my family strong insinuations that 'everyone' thinks they're badly behaved, and that everyone else is just too polite to say so. By everyone, I assume she means extended family, whom we see twice a year.
Tonight, I went to a dinner at church, and met my uncle there-- one of the ones who presumably has such a problem with them. My younger boys were playing tag in an empty part of the church hall, nowhere near anyone. He just sort of smiled and said boys are full of **** and vinegar. They need to run and get all that energy out. Later, he noticed a couple of old ladies giving them looks, and said, of the old ladies, "It's probably been awhile since they had little boys."
Once again, I'm seeing how far afield my family is, and getting another little bit of peace that I don't need to worry so much about what they say; and the realization that either they're just assuming everyone thinks like they do, or they're flat out lying.
But I keep hearing from my family strong insinuations that 'everyone' thinks they're badly behaved, and that everyone else is just too polite to say so. By everyone, I assume she means extended family, whom we see twice a year.
Tonight, I went to a dinner at church, and met my uncle there-- one of the ones who presumably has such a problem with them. My younger boys were playing tag in an empty part of the church hall, nowhere near anyone. He just sort of smiled and said boys are full of **** and vinegar. They need to run and get all that energy out. Later, he noticed a couple of old ladies giving them looks, and said, of the old ladies, "It's probably been awhile since they had little boys."
Once again, I'm seeing how far afield my family is, and getting another little bit of peace that I don't need to worry so much about what they say; and the realization that either they're just assuming everyone thinks like they do, or they're flat out lying.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey EveningRose 
I hear what you're saying about family painting the world as though it were divinely aligned with their personal prejudice and bias. My AF was like this. His AF was like this. No room for "different" opinions, perspectives, etc. If you wanted to survive in that family, you had to fit in or become scapegoat (the latter being a stronger option really, because at least you kept listening to your instincts about this family and your mind remained open to alternative ideas).
Keep modeling for your children that your FOO's opinions are just some opinions that are out there. And like all opinions, you have to use your gut to decide whether they're trustworthy or not. Break that cycle of, "it must be true if family said it." In the context of abuse, that's a half-step away from, "it must be okay because family did it."
You'd never hear this from an alcoholic parent, but here is a quote of wisdom from a parent to their child that I sincerely hope to remember when I am a parent: "I would hate for you to believe something just because I said it."
I hear what you're saying about family painting the world as though it were divinely aligned with their personal prejudice and bias. My AF was like this. His AF was like this. No room for "different" opinions, perspectives, etc. If you wanted to survive in that family, you had to fit in or become scapegoat (the latter being a stronger option really, because at least you kept listening to your instincts about this family and your mind remained open to alternative ideas).
Keep modeling for your children that your FOO's opinions are just some opinions that are out there. And like all opinions, you have to use your gut to decide whether they're trustworthy or not. Break that cycle of, "it must be true if family said it." In the context of abuse, that's a half-step away from, "it must be okay because family did it."
You'd never hear this from an alcoholic parent, but here is a quote of wisdom from a parent to their child that I sincerely hope to remember when I am a parent: "I would hate for you to believe something just because I said it."
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