Kirsty

I am seriously messed up, I feel like I am going craazzeee..

Ever since I was 16 I've always had my nose in a self-help book, had therapy, reiki, reflexology, went to mediums etc trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how to fix me.

Well I now know what was wrong with me I was co-dependant and only found that out when I had a breakdown through it last year and turned to alcohol. I went to AA because I thought I was an alcoholic, even though I wasn't addicted to alcohol or obsessed by it. A couple of weeks ago I left AA, after going to CoDA and reading their big book, relief thinking so THAT'S what's been wrong..

But I can't get past thinking that im really 'thick' and 'stupid' you see althrough school I wouldn't really listen in class I used to zone out and live in fantasy I guess this was a coping mechanism, when I was 16 I wanted to leave the children's home which I was in, which had been the best place for me, but i wanted to be independant and get my own place asap, which meant I left school without doing my GCSE's, I guess that's where the complex comes from.

I'm not liking myself right now because im in self-pity mode, being so self-centred, its just that having this complex, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy I think, therefore I am...ugh!!

I've thrown myself into recovery, working the steps, developing a relationship with my higher power which is God, I was never brought up with a faith and gee it really helps! It just feels so hard doing all this on my own, no boyfriend or family, ive got really good friends but they dont understand recovery.

I keep thinking I'm not going to 'get' this, that im not going to be able to recover like others are.

Kirsty

I've been reading alot of recovery books, Pia Mellody, Mellody Beattie and Janet G. Woititz. I feel this overhelming grief and loss at times, this is normal for early recovery right?

GingerM

It is normal for early recovery.

Imagine that someone you cared about very much, but haven't seen in a long time, died a year ago, and you just found out. That's the beginning stage of recovery. You start to see where, when and how you lost the essence of "you". Now you need to find you again.

In addition, how you lost "you" is pretty painful. And you have to drag it all out, lay it on the floor, figure out what you want to keep and what needs to get filed in the round file, you have to completely reorganize everything, which means taking a very close look at a lot of really painful things. Grief and loss are very much expected at this stage.

I can promise you that if you keep going, if you really work on it, the grief and loss will slowly dissipate and you will be amazed at how peaceful and happy you can be.

guiab

Kristy,
Recovery does take time and patience.
"It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it"

I know know that starting on the path to recovery was a BIG step in recovery. You are here, and you are working the steps and reading - that is progress right there.
Are you attending al-anaon meetings - I find them to be immensely helpful.
Take care.

Ceres

"A couple of weeks ago I left AA, after going to CoDA and reading their big book, relief thinking so THAT'S what's been wrong.."

I know eaxctly how you feel! I didn't realize I was a codependent until 2 months ago!! I was born one and had no clue. I'm reading Melodie's "Codependent no more" I should have been given this book when I was 12! I know I can get past this. I have no intentions of living my next 30 years the way I've seemed to have wasted the first 37.

I have some real hope now. Even tho I am prone to depressive episodes lately!