abandonment issues and how they affect you today
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
abandonment issues and how they affect you today
Hi Everyone,
Sorry for this long post, but I just would like to get feedback from others...A friend of mine told me a story that really rung true for me. He was organizing a church dinner and a female volunteer had made arrnagements to meet with someone else to do some baking. When the other person did not show up on time at the church this female volunteer got on the phone to call the other person and began screaming at her that she was late etc. My friend said this woman had been abandoned when she was young and cannot take it when someone breaks a promise (trust). Though I was never completely abandoned as a child, I was shipped from one parent to the other when I was a teenager -my parents divorced at that time. I would like to know if other people react this way when someone lets them down?
Patk
Sorry for this long post, but I just would like to get feedback from others...A friend of mine told me a story that really rung true for me. He was organizing a church dinner and a female volunteer had made arrnagements to meet with someone else to do some baking. When the other person did not show up on time at the church this female volunteer got on the phone to call the other person and began screaming at her that she was late etc. My friend said this woman had been abandoned when she was young and cannot take it when someone breaks a promise (trust). Though I was never completely abandoned as a child, I was shipped from one parent to the other when I was a teenager -my parents divorced at that time. I would like to know if other people react this way when someone lets them down?
Patk
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Patk 
Hi Everyone,
My friend said this woman had been abandoned when she was young and cannot take it when someone breaks a promise (trust). Though I was never completely abandoned as a child, I was shipped from one parent to the other when I was a teenager -my parents divorced at that time. I would like to know if other people react this way when someone lets them down?
Patk
My friend said this woman had been abandoned when she was young and cannot take it when someone breaks a promise (trust). Though I was never completely abandoned as a child, I was shipped from one parent to the other when I was a teenager -my parents divorced at that time. I would like to know if other people react this way when someone lets them down?
Patk
right now, i have to remember that my expectations of others does not obligate them in any way to do what i want or expect. it is my reaction to and my ability to see it is my issue that gets me through. not perfect, but trying very very hard.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
yeah, I have some serious abandonment issues which are being healed with my recovery work. I've known about them for a long time but never knew why. Now I realize it's due to emotional abandonment at infancy.
I started to realize something was going on whenever I was out with someone, and they'd excuse themselves to the bathroom, I'd ask in a panic: "you're coming back right?" For some reason, I thought people were going to leave me at a restaurant, function, etc. I made sure I always had money on me, just in case. And if people broke up with me, it felt like abandonment. No wonder i've been so clingy at times! I also went the other direction, I guess in an effort to protect myself.
With my CoDa work i'm gaining an understanding about these things and the tools to help me on my way to emotional recovery. I like what Wicked said:
i have to remember that my expectations of others does not obligate them in any way to do what i want or expect. it is my reaction to and my ability to see it is my issue that gets me through.
peace.
I started to realize something was going on whenever I was out with someone, and they'd excuse themselves to the bathroom, I'd ask in a panic: "you're coming back right?" For some reason, I thought people were going to leave me at a restaurant, function, etc. I made sure I always had money on me, just in case. And if people broke up with me, it felt like abandonment. No wonder i've been so clingy at times! I also went the other direction, I guess in an effort to protect myself.
With my CoDa work i'm gaining an understanding about these things and the tools to help me on my way to emotional recovery. I like what Wicked said:
i have to remember that my expectations of others does not obligate them in any way to do what i want or expect. it is my reaction to and my ability to see it is my issue that gets me through.
peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 215
I have serious abandonment issues. I spent two years in rigorous therapy. Much better coping skills today, because I learned to recognize the emotional triggers before I react. I am not perfect at it but much better. When I was a kid, mom died, I got passed around alot and my dad is (still to this day) infamous for never keeping his word. One of my older siblings walked out and disappeared....so I really fly off the handle when people don't check in. A note, a phone call, a text. I learned that my HP is in charge of those things so I am less aggitated than a few years back.
We are not unique! Love it.
We are not unique! Love it.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
I have had a bad case of abandonment anxiety all my life, mostly when I´m in a love relationship.
It has to do with my insecurity and self-esteem. I feel OK in most areas of my life, but I tend to take rejections badly.
It used to be worse. I´ve been dealing with this in both AA and therapy. I know where it comes from. Sometimes I feel it´s too much bother to work on this now because the triggers are so many, sometimes when I´m in a really good mood, I think it´s one more thing to work on... and learn.
I tend to keep men not too close for fear of being hurt and I get attracted by men who have abandonment issues. Just ended a relationship with one and I must admit I feel relieved.
It has to do with my insecurity and self-esteem. I feel OK in most areas of my life, but I tend to take rejections badly.
It used to be worse. I´ve been dealing with this in both AA and therapy. I know where it comes from. Sometimes I feel it´s too much bother to work on this now because the triggers are so many, sometimes when I´m in a really good mood, I think it´s one more thing to work on... and learn.
I tend to keep men not too close for fear of being hurt and I get attracted by men who have abandonment issues. Just ended a relationship with one and I must admit I feel relieved.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The GREAT White North
Posts: 315
I HATE when people say they are going to do something and they don't follow through. That is one of my biggest irks.
I never attached it to my abandonment issues. Thanks for the thought.
Hmmmm
I never attached it to my abandonment issues. Thanks for the thought.
Hmmmm
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
I have those... abandonment and tossed-around-ment issues. Have trouble dealing with people who say they'll do something and then don't... lots of trouble. I exactly abandon them right back.
Didn't know that was a thing. Hmm.
This actually happened to me lately... the original incident happened in July, but it resurfaced last week, and all the anger came back quicklike. I resented the individual for alleging that I had been the one to not follow through, when they had promised to call within 2 days and finally contacted me last week. After a week (back in July) I figured they were no good and scratched them off the useful list. Still wouldn't talk freely when I did talk to them... don't think I will either.
Sorry to be in your adult children forum, I was just poking around, seeing if I could learn anything useful. I thought it was for people who were taking care of their addicted parents... that's what I get for assuming. I left mine alone a long time ago.
Take care y'all, back to reading.
TB
Didn't know that was a thing. Hmm.
This actually happened to me lately... the original incident happened in July, but it resurfaced last week, and all the anger came back quicklike. I resented the individual for alleging that I had been the one to not follow through, when they had promised to call within 2 days and finally contacted me last week. After a week (back in July) I figured they were no good and scratched them off the useful list. Still wouldn't talk freely when I did talk to them... don't think I will either.
Sorry to be in your adult children forum, I was just poking around, seeing if I could learn anything useful. I thought it was for people who were taking care of their addicted parents... that's what I get for assuming. I left mine alone a long time ago.
Take care y'all, back to reading.
TB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
I definitely have some abandonment issues.
If someone doesn't do something they say they are going to do or doesn't show up when they are supposed to my automatic reaction is to pull myself away from that person and cut them out (emotionally).
If someone doesn't do something they say they are going to do or doesn't show up when they are supposed to my automatic reaction is to pull myself away from that person and cut them out (emotionally).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Kimm992
I definitely have some abandonment issues.
If someone doesn't do something they say they are going to do or doesn't show up when they are supposed to my automatic reaction is to pull myself away from that person and cut them out (emotionally).
If someone doesn't do something they say they are going to do or doesn't show up when they are supposed to my automatic reaction is to pull myself away from that person and cut them out (emotionally).
I'm really starting to lose hope in humanity to be honest... it's fun being a young misanthrope! Sorry... I'm not usually this negative, but I just can't help it with what's going on right now, off topic, anyway...
Yes, I do have big abandonment issues, and I have no doubt that it comes from the emotional abuse from my parents (my mother once literally walked away from my bedside when I was crying hysterically just a year ago... she was completely sober). Sometimes there are people out there that you meet that simply aren't reliable. Some are, and I have no idea how to tell if I'm overreacting or not. I've never screamed at someone for not following through with their word like your friend, but I've never been physically abandoned, so I'm sure she was much worse to another degree.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
No.
I *do* have abandonment problems
maybe enough to call it an 'issue' ...
but I'm of the opinion that the screaming mimi fits
I've seen people pull
is nothing more than immature bad manners.
If you hurt me ...
(*you* meant figuratively, of course)
and I CARE about you ..
I withdraw.
Luckily, I've had a few years
to work on it...
so thwe best I can do at this time
is to wait until the initial 'charge'
subsides.
Then I will come talk to 'you'
about what is wrong.
It was never a problem until
coming up close to ten years ago
a boyfriend was killed in a drunk driving accident.
After that one, (meaning, that trauma)
if you don't show up when you say
I'm more apt to freak out that you're dead.
I just got out of a housing situation
with a screamer.
What an empty
sad
horrifying
person she is to be around.
I *do* have abandonment problems
maybe enough to call it an 'issue' ...
but I'm of the opinion that the screaming mimi fits
I've seen people pull
is nothing more than immature bad manners.
If you hurt me ...
(*you* meant figuratively, of course)
and I CARE about you ..
I withdraw.
Luckily, I've had a few years
to work on it...
so thwe best I can do at this time
is to wait until the initial 'charge'
subsides.
Then I will come talk to 'you'
about what is wrong.
It was never a problem until
coming up close to ten years ago
a boyfriend was killed in a drunk driving accident.
After that one, (meaning, that trauma)
if you don't show up when you say
I'm more apt to freak out that you're dead.
I just got out of a housing situation
with a screamer.
What an empty
sad
horrifying
person she is to be around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
((barb))
This is how my abandonment issue manifests today: I'm in an LDR at the moment. Twice yesterday my g/f had to hang up quickly from our phone call because she was on her way out (church, a sporting event). I was happy that she was going to get out of the house see people, do something fun. A few hours later, I found out that she didn't do those things (fell asleep, changed her mind). Instead, she stayed home and did things at home. I on the other hand had plans and went out and had a good time. BUT... I'm feeling angry at her because: she didn't do what she said she was going to do. I know that behind the anger there's something else, I"m assuming it's the abandonment thing rearing it's ugly head. I haven't gotten there yet.
Processing... this is where i've gotten thus far: she cut our conversation short because of her plans, which later changed. I followed through with my plans, went out and had fun. Now I am angry because she cut our conversation short... which is in fact possibly a god-send, as i've felt an argument brewing!. She's the one who is supposed to have a mental illness. Who's really the crazy one here?
Grateful for SR and this thread, a safe space to help me process this stuff.
This is how my abandonment issue manifests today: I'm in an LDR at the moment. Twice yesterday my g/f had to hang up quickly from our phone call because she was on her way out (church, a sporting event). I was happy that she was going to get out of the house see people, do something fun. A few hours later, I found out that she didn't do those things (fell asleep, changed her mind). Instead, she stayed home and did things at home. I on the other hand had plans and went out and had a good time. BUT... I'm feeling angry at her because: she didn't do what she said she was going to do. I know that behind the anger there's something else, I"m assuming it's the abandonment thing rearing it's ugly head. I haven't gotten there yet.
Processing... this is where i've gotten thus far: she cut our conversation short because of her plans, which later changed. I followed through with my plans, went out and had fun. Now I am angry because she cut our conversation short... which is in fact possibly a god-send, as i've felt an argument brewing!. She's the one who is supposed to have a mental illness. Who's really the crazy one here?
Grateful for SR and this thread, a safe space to help me process this stuff.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I can't tell the difference between abandonment...
... and betrayal.
They 'feel' the same for me.
I understand that whole story, evm.
I know that when it hits *me*
I have to 'pull it in' ...
that's how I think it.
I have to literally
stop the World
and get back 'inside' myself.
Becasue if I'm worrying about
what someone else could be doing
then I'm 'out there' someplace
and not 'in here'.
I had to make it my top priority
to 'be in here'.
Right here.
Where my hands are.
It's the only thing I can do.
... and betrayal.
They 'feel' the same for me.
I understand that whole story, evm.
I know that when it hits *me*
I have to 'pull it in' ...
that's how I think it.
I have to literally
stop the World
and get back 'inside' myself.
Becasue if I'm worrying about
what someone else could be doing
then I'm 'out there' someplace
and not 'in here'.
I had to make it my top priority
to 'be in here'.
Right here.
Where my hands are.
It's the only thing I can do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
evmdimples -
Anger is a secondary emotion. One can't feel anger unless one feels something else first. Often, anger is a "hiding" reaction - we don't want to/can't cope with feeling the real emotion, so we become angry.
I would guess that you felt your trust was violated, which, upon closer inspection, often feels like the person lacks respect or affection for you. ACoAs often come with a lot of lack-of-trust issues. After all, who could we trust during our developmental years? Anything that comes close to feeling like our trust has been violated often leads to an anger response.
While that all sounds very clinical, please don't think that I am in any way not sympathetic to your plight. My own trust issues are perhaps 80% dealt with. The remaining 20%? Well, there are some triggers for me (someone blaming me for something I didn't do and holding me responsible for it, someone telling me I don't know what I'm talking about or am stupid, etc). The closer the person is to me emotionally, the more weight the trust-violation will have.
For instance, I not only accept, but expect to get cruddy customer service anytime I have to call customer support (and am always surprised when I get good customer service). This doesn't upset me because 1. I don't know these people and 2. I already "trust" that the experience will be a negative one.
But if my husband doesn't do what he said he'd do? I am disappointed (which can also lead to anger), sometimes sad (also leads to anger), sometimes unable to do what I need to do (also leads to anger), sometimes scared (like when he says he'll be home at X time and is late) which also leads to anger.
I haven't covered all the various scenarios that can lie underneath the anger, but perhaps something in here might help you figure out what's lying beneath yours. Scared she's pulling away from you perhaps? Fear is a huge anger generator.
Once you can find what's underneath the anger, I recommend you say it out loud to yourself. There is something that happens in the process of saying something out loud that helps us to process the information. A sample would be something like "I am angry because I am afraid that her cutting me off so abruptly to go do nothing means she is pulling away, and I don't want her to pull away from me." Simple statement of fact.
Anger is a secondary emotion. One can't feel anger unless one feels something else first. Often, anger is a "hiding" reaction - we don't want to/can't cope with feeling the real emotion, so we become angry.
I would guess that you felt your trust was violated, which, upon closer inspection, often feels like the person lacks respect or affection for you. ACoAs often come with a lot of lack-of-trust issues. After all, who could we trust during our developmental years? Anything that comes close to feeling like our trust has been violated often leads to an anger response.
While that all sounds very clinical, please don't think that I am in any way not sympathetic to your plight. My own trust issues are perhaps 80% dealt with. The remaining 20%? Well, there are some triggers for me (someone blaming me for something I didn't do and holding me responsible for it, someone telling me I don't know what I'm talking about or am stupid, etc). The closer the person is to me emotionally, the more weight the trust-violation will have.
For instance, I not only accept, but expect to get cruddy customer service anytime I have to call customer support (and am always surprised when I get good customer service). This doesn't upset me because 1. I don't know these people and 2. I already "trust" that the experience will be a negative one.
But if my husband doesn't do what he said he'd do? I am disappointed (which can also lead to anger), sometimes sad (also leads to anger), sometimes unable to do what I need to do (also leads to anger), sometimes scared (like when he says he'll be home at X time and is late) which also leads to anger.
I haven't covered all the various scenarios that can lie underneath the anger, but perhaps something in here might help you figure out what's lying beneath yours. Scared she's pulling away from you perhaps? Fear is a huge anger generator.
Once you can find what's underneath the anger, I recommend you say it out loud to yourself. There is something that happens in the process of saying something out loud that helps us to process the information. A sample would be something like "I am angry because I am afraid that her cutting me off so abruptly to go do nothing means she is pulling away, and I don't want her to pull away from me." Simple statement of fact.
Peaceful
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 310
Abandonment issue's are not a joke! They come and go... Mine are so bad, it seem just when I began to trust a person I lose them in some kinda of way!
Sometime I sabotage before getting close to people, the fear of abandonment is horrible. I really do not have any suggestions because I'm working on mine through prayer.
Sometime I sabotage before getting close to people, the fear of abandonment is horrible. I really do not have any suggestions because I'm working on mine through prayer.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
As a child I had a recurring dream that I was separated by force from my mother at some sort of airport/train station. I would wake up sobbing and cry myself back to sleep.
As an adult, my fears manifested themselves through an almost insane need to keep hold of any relationship I had, no matter how toxic. I would never quit, but I would re-invent myself, change my behaviour, my attitudes, my thoughts to what I was either certain my partner wanted or what he actually demanded of me.
My exabf would regularly threaten me with leaving. I went through some 'out of body' experiences whereby I became an emotional wreck at the thought he had walked out and was never coming back.
I think I was afraid of being alone, unloved, unloveable.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As an adult, my fears manifested themselves through an almost insane need to keep hold of any relationship I had, no matter how toxic. I would never quit, but I would re-invent myself, change my behaviour, my attitudes, my thoughts to what I was either certain my partner wanted or what he actually demanded of me.
My exabf would regularly threaten me with leaving. I went through some 'out of body' experiences whereby I became an emotional wreck at the thought he had walked out and was never coming back.
I think I was afraid of being alone, unloved, unloveable.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
I can relate to what many of you are decribing, and I never thought of it as an "abandonment issue", but I can see how it would fit.
Growing up my dad used to ALWAYS make promises and never keep them. I have so many memories of it being his weekend to pick us up, and sitting on the porch waiting for him, running every time the phone rang just knowing it was him calling, and it never was. Months would go by with no contact.
When someone would tell me they would call, and then never did, it used to ruin my whole day. I would get so angry or depressed over it. I never understood why.
Its not as bad as it used to be. But it still happens.
Growing up my dad used to ALWAYS make promises and never keep them. I have so many memories of it being his weekend to pick us up, and sitting on the porch waiting for him, running every time the phone rang just knowing it was him calling, and it never was. Months would go by with no contact.
When someone would tell me they would call, and then never did, it used to ruin my whole day. I would get so angry or depressed over it. I never understood why.
Its not as bad as it used to be. But it still happens.
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