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The surviving parent and their behavior

Old 10-06-2009, 07:15 PM
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The surviving parent and their behavior

Here is my story in a nutshell.
My mom died a drunk when I was 16. Dad, who is not an alcoholic, remarried a
year and half later to a very strongwilled, independant woman. Step family
chaos ensued and I left home when I was 21 and never looked back.

Dealing with an active spouse allows me to feel what my dad must have felt like with my mom. Hopeless, fearful, frustrated, angry.

I love my dad to pieces, I firmly believe he did the best he could, but we never talk about my mom, at all. Im being serious when I say that in the last 25 years or so, we might have talked about her 10 times...if that. Once my dad remarried, it was like mom never existed.....

I know my dad loves me and forgiven me for my antics with drug abuse, so Im grateful for this. I dont know what Im getting at, but I guess, it seems my dad was more involved with my stepfamily then with my brother and myself. Like, he was more comfortable and so on.

My brother doesnt have a good relationship with my dad, im more forgiving.

Any thoughts on this, if I made any sense?

As I get older, I analyze more, and I feel jipped by mom's death of course, and by my dad's abandonment of me. Im new to this feelings process.

Thanks.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:24 PM
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Well I can relate a bit. My mother moved us away from my "Dad" when I was 3 mos. He was a cocaine addict and a smuggler. Never met my dad, he died of an overdose when I was 5. My mom remarried and fought tooth and nail to give me the best shot at a normal life. I don't know if I can ever forgive my dad for allowing his addiction beat knowing me, but am forever grateful my mom had the courage to leave. Unfortunately I got his genes and am an addict myself w/ a child. That is one of the biggest inspirations I use to get sober, I will NOT be like my dad! Don't know if this helps at all, but be grateful for all you have and never look back, only ahead, that's what I'm trying to do, Peace!
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:29 PM
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Hi..wow, what a story! God bless you, sounds like your child has a great shot at living a decent life. Like yourself, I want the chaos to stop with me, I want my daughter to have a decent chance at life.

I suppose lamenting doesnt help anything, but Im just curious as to what makes people tick. I guess, Im saddened that I didnt have that rosy relationship with my dad.

I am grateful that my dad loves me, for sure. I put him through hell with my active addiction. And now, I am getting a taste of what he went through with my mom slowly killing herself. What a horror show.

Thanks for replying and take care of yourself, one day at a time.
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Old 10-07-2009, 03:55 AM
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Originally Posted by soconfusednow View Post
Hi..wow, what a story! God bless you, sounds like your child has a great shot at living a decent life. Like yourself, I want the chaos to stop with me, I want my daughter to have a decent chance at life.

I suppose lamenting doesnt help anything, but Im just curious as to what makes people tick. I guess, Im saddened that I didnt have that rosy relationship with my dad.

I am grateful that my dad loves me, for sure. I put him through hell with my active addiction. And now, I am getting a taste of what he went through with my mom slowly killing herself. What a horror show.

Thanks for replying and take care of yourself, one day at a time.
I'm sure you're dad loves you! He wouldn't still by you're side if he didn't...might try some counseling by yourself and maybe, hopefully w/ dad. Sometimes we gotta let this **** out! I feel ya about not having that relationship w/ your father, but hey, it could be worse...and you still have today! Hope today's a better day!
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:41 AM
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wow,

I guess my problems seem trivial in comparison...

My mom was never around until last year, but she commuted
so I saw her on weekends, but she was more like a distant aunt

What she did do was leave us (siblings and I) alone with our AF day in and day out

I'm still angry at her for "abandoning" us, and still fear she'll get up and leave the family like she threatened to a couple of times.

since recently 5/7 of us in the family are in recovery, in our respective programs

What bugs me is that I still have a chance to make up with my mom,
I'm still young

I opened up to her for one thing that was really bothering me (which was REALLY hard)
but it's so hard talking to her.

I always went to my dad when I had a problem, since he was around, but I'm cutting him off as much as possible when we live in the same house

now whenever my mom tries to talk to me about something serious I clam up, I guess I'm still angry at her for being gone until I was well into my teens

Where am I going with this rant? I dunno

I guess with parents, nothing works out perfectly (sounds simply but it's really hard to get into my head)

Anyway, I hope this might help somebody out there somehow
(at least to gain a different perspective, since your posts gave me a different perspective)

peace out

DM
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Old 10-09-2009, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by discontentmiser View Post
wow,

I guess my problems seem trivial in comparison...

My mom was never around until last year, but she commuted
so I saw her on weekends, but she was more like a distant aunt

What she did do was leave us (siblings and I) alone with our AF day in and day out

I'm still angry at her for "abandoning" us, and still fear she'll get up and leave the family like she threatened to a couple of times.

since recently 5/7 of us in the family are in recovery, in our respective programs

What bugs me is that I still have a chance to make up with my mom,
I'm still young

I opened up to her for one thing that was really bothering me (which was REALLY hard)
but it's so hard talking to her.

I always went to my dad when I had a problem, since he was around, but I'm cutting him off as much as possible when we live in the same house

now whenever my mom tries to talk to me about something serious I clam up, I guess I'm still angry at her for being gone until I was well into my teens

Where am I going with this rant? I dunno

I guess with parents, nothing works out perfectly (sounds simply but it's really hard to get into my head)

Anyway, I hope this might help somebody out there somehow
(at least to gain a different perspective, since your posts gave me a different perspective)

peace out

DM
Life is too short. You might get in a crash and die tomorrow. Nobody is given tomorrow, remember that. Do what you can why you still can. Hope you can begin to work things out, things could always be worse!
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