On the edge of my seat
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 43
On the edge of my seat
Hey all!
I'm in a place that I've never been before with this process. I recently got hit with a wave of guilt/blame/shame/threats from AM, and responded really calmly and honestly. ie "That hasn't been my experience. I'm sorry you feel that way, I can't talk about this now." And then responded to the frantic email a few hours later in the same way. This second part is where I usually get hooked, after I hold my boundaries and her reactions escalate. Anyway, I didn't this time, and was prepared for more to come at me, all set to get out of the way and let her crisis roll right by. But that's not what happened--she hasn't responded in any way, hasn't emailed or called (wierd for her). I'm feeling totally on edge, double-checking my door lock, listening to strange sounds and having a hard time sleeping, sure that she's up to something awful to punish me and half-thinking she's dead.
I know that she's not dead (someone would have noticed) and know that there's not that much she can do to really hurt me that I can't either protect myself or detach from. But I feel trapped in this state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any advice on how to chill the heck out?
I'm in a place that I've never been before with this process. I recently got hit with a wave of guilt/blame/shame/threats from AM, and responded really calmly and honestly. ie "That hasn't been my experience. I'm sorry you feel that way, I can't talk about this now." And then responded to the frantic email a few hours later in the same way. This second part is where I usually get hooked, after I hold my boundaries and her reactions escalate. Anyway, I didn't this time, and was prepared for more to come at me, all set to get out of the way and let her crisis roll right by. But that's not what happened--she hasn't responded in any way, hasn't emailed or called (wierd for her). I'm feeling totally on edge, double-checking my door lock, listening to strange sounds and having a hard time sleeping, sure that she's up to something awful to punish me and half-thinking she's dead.
I know that she's not dead (someone would have noticed) and know that there's not that much she can do to really hurt me that I can't either protect myself or detach from. But I feel trapped in this state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any advice on how to chill the heck out?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey P&H! What is the worrying going to do for you? Is it going to change her behavior?
This part sucks because you are so well trained to be on standby for damage control. What's really happening is now that your boundaries are in place, a reality you never before considered in all your years growing up is revealing itself: your AM CAN manage fine without you. You're so used to the other reality that you accepted for so many years that this new one is so uncomfortable that it feels wrong. Really, when have you ever experienced a quiet evening after one of your AM's attempt to pull you into her drama?
Whether this is the calm before the next storm, whether she's wracking her brain for a new strategy, or whether she's actually maturing as a result of dealing with a consequence of her own behavior, you are more than amply prepared to handle whatever may come. If there's any benefit to being an ACOA it would have to be that, IMO
FWIW I had similar anxiety when I started cutting my parents off. What happened in fact was they managed just fine without me, which actually hurt me all over again. I almost couldn't believe it; my well-trained brain kept waiting for that other shoe to drop. It took some time for it to sink in. Afterwards I sobered up and realized that all that time and energy I spent trying to fix their problems... was wasted and stolen. It took me to a whole other level of recovery - going from understanding to experiencing.
This part sucks because you are so well trained to be on standby for damage control. What's really happening is now that your boundaries are in place, a reality you never before considered in all your years growing up is revealing itself: your AM CAN manage fine without you. You're so used to the other reality that you accepted for so many years that this new one is so uncomfortable that it feels wrong. Really, when have you ever experienced a quiet evening after one of your AM's attempt to pull you into her drama?
Whether this is the calm before the next storm, whether she's wracking her brain for a new strategy, or whether she's actually maturing as a result of dealing with a consequence of her own behavior, you are more than amply prepared to handle whatever may come. If there's any benefit to being an ACOA it would have to be that, IMO
FWIW I had similar anxiety when I started cutting my parents off. What happened in fact was they managed just fine without me, which actually hurt me all over again. I almost couldn't believe it; my well-trained brain kept waiting for that other shoe to drop. It took some time for it to sink in. Afterwards I sobered up and realized that all that time and energy I spent trying to fix their problems... was wasted and stolen. It took me to a whole other level of recovery - going from understanding to experiencing.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I have had similar anxiety, poetry. Detachment is something that takes a lot of practice, and at first it feels very unnatural and anxious.
These are new skills you're exercising, and new reactions you're getting.....both very different from how you're wired.
All you can do is keep practicing. Get on with your life, with your day, and let this go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let her take her own journey. Get a secondary lock if you're thinking she'll invade your space. Change your routine a little if you think you'll run into her. These small evasive maneuvers shouldn't interfere with your main task, which is to LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND LET HERS GO.
Big hugs,
GL
These are new skills you're exercising, and new reactions you're getting.....both very different from how you're wired.
All you can do is keep practicing. Get on with your life, with your day, and let this go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let her take her own journey. Get a secondary lock if you're thinking she'll invade your space. Change your routine a little if you think you'll run into her. These small evasive maneuvers shouldn't interfere with your main task, which is to LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND LET HERS GO.
Big hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
I can so identify with this, P&H.
I apologize for telling this story again, to those who already know it:
My codie mom (very very affected by AF) has expected me to take care of her since I was very young -- be her cheerleader, wailing wall etc. She is terrible with finances, deeply in debt and continues to make bad choices. But she got in the habit of expecting me and my brother to be her financial caretakers too.
A month or two ago, just days after she sent me an e-mail about how she and her friends were talking about going on a cruise for their birthdays, she asked me for $380 to pay her health insurance. I said no. And I didn't sugar coat it like I have in the past either. I just said, "I'm sorry. I really can't."
She went *crazy*. Nasty nasty e-mail to me about how much she's always done for me, I'm so ungrateful, I just don't care about her etc. etc. Normally, I would have jumped right in and done what she wanted. But I didn't. I didn't do anything. I didn't respond.
There was a long period of silence that lasted a couple of weeks. Honestly, that couple of weeks was one of the hardest things I've been through. I constantly thought about contacting her. But I didn't, because a) I was still angry about this and b) I knew that's what she really wanted me to do, and I'm determined not to play this game anymore.
After a while, she emailed me and asked if I was speaking to HER yet. I said, I never stopped speaking to you.
We're on decent terms now but it's been rough. As my therapist says, we are relearning the "dance." I know she has no idea what's come over me, but I'm determined not to put up with or enable her behavior any more.
I constantly repeated to myself my reasons for doing what I did (not gonna put up with this anymore; know I'm doing the right thing, etc). And I also knew that if I "gave in" I would be angry at myself. I thought about it and decided that I would rather HER be angry at me than ME be angry at me.
So give that some thought. Did it feel good to respond that way? I know it did. You know you did the right thing and you know it was an important step in the right direction. Why don't you write down some of those thoughts and maybe keep them handy for moments when you're feeling weak?
If you are really worried about her well-being maybe you could ask someone (another relative or friend) that you trust to make sure she is OK and let you know. If this could be done on the QT that would be even better.
Stay true to what you know you need to do. This is most likely her playing on your worries regarding her health -- that's what she wants you to do. Don't play her game anymore.
Hugs. Best of luck to you.
I apologize for telling this story again, to those who already know it:
My codie mom (very very affected by AF) has expected me to take care of her since I was very young -- be her cheerleader, wailing wall etc. She is terrible with finances, deeply in debt and continues to make bad choices. But she got in the habit of expecting me and my brother to be her financial caretakers too.
A month or two ago, just days after she sent me an e-mail about how she and her friends were talking about going on a cruise for their birthdays, she asked me for $380 to pay her health insurance. I said no. And I didn't sugar coat it like I have in the past either. I just said, "I'm sorry. I really can't."
She went *crazy*. Nasty nasty e-mail to me about how much she's always done for me, I'm so ungrateful, I just don't care about her etc. etc. Normally, I would have jumped right in and done what she wanted. But I didn't. I didn't do anything. I didn't respond.
There was a long period of silence that lasted a couple of weeks. Honestly, that couple of weeks was one of the hardest things I've been through. I constantly thought about contacting her. But I didn't, because a) I was still angry about this and b) I knew that's what she really wanted me to do, and I'm determined not to play this game anymore.
After a while, she emailed me and asked if I was speaking to HER yet. I said, I never stopped speaking to you.
We're on decent terms now but it's been rough. As my therapist says, we are relearning the "dance." I know she has no idea what's come over me, but I'm determined not to put up with or enable her behavior any more.
I constantly repeated to myself my reasons for doing what I did (not gonna put up with this anymore; know I'm doing the right thing, etc). And I also knew that if I "gave in" I would be angry at myself. I thought about it and decided that I would rather HER be angry at me than ME be angry at me.
So give that some thought. Did it feel good to respond that way? I know it did. You know you did the right thing and you know it was an important step in the right direction. Why don't you write down some of those thoughts and maybe keep them handy for moments when you're feeling weak?
If you are really worried about her well-being maybe you could ask someone (another relative or friend) that you trust to make sure she is OK and let you know. If this could be done on the QT that would be even better.
Stay true to what you know you need to do. This is most likely her playing on your worries regarding her health -- that's what she wants you to do. Don't play her game anymore.
Hugs. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi Poetry
I've been there - the silence can be deafening.
As takeincareome said the game or the dance is changing.
It helped me to think of it as a power struggle, a tug-of-war. Even though you don't want to be, you are still engaged. You want to be able to drop your end of the rope and walk calmly away. You've dropped the rope but there's still a single thread that is attaching you. You've taken the required action and now your own emotions are betraying you. I've been there, keep strong, these feeling will pass.
I've been trying to think what worked for me and helped me to cut that final thread. For me, time and distance was the answer. I had to be ruthless with myself, any time I thought about my alcoholic family, I actively changed my thoughts. It helped to think about worse case scenarios and to realise that the world would not come to an end if I was not involved. Other people could cope with any crisis just fine, I was allowed not to be involved. For me, letting go took practise (I'm still practising).
Just give it time and believe that the anxiety will pass. It does get better and easier with time.
IWTHxxx
I've been there - the silence can be deafening.
As takeincareome said the game or the dance is changing.
It helped me to think of it as a power struggle, a tug-of-war. Even though you don't want to be, you are still engaged. You want to be able to drop your end of the rope and walk calmly away. You've dropped the rope but there's still a single thread that is attaching you. You've taken the required action and now your own emotions are betraying you. I've been there, keep strong, these feeling will pass.
I've been trying to think what worked for me and helped me to cut that final thread. For me, time and distance was the answer. I had to be ruthless with myself, any time I thought about my alcoholic family, I actively changed my thoughts. It helped to think about worse case scenarios and to realise that the world would not come to an end if I was not involved. Other people could cope with any crisis just fine, I was allowed not to be involved. For me, letting go took practise (I'm still practising).
Just give it time and believe that the anxiety will pass. It does get better and easier with time.
IWTHxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 43
Improving!
Thanks to everyone for your feedback. A combination of time, detaching, and focusing on my life is really helping. The silence continues, but you know what? I have a thesis to write. And laundry to do. And friends who want to watch the playoffs. And I need my sleep and my relaxation time to not be stressing-about-mom time. Who knows what she'll do next? It doesn't really matter, because I can't control it, and it'll only be my crisis if I let it be. Meanwhile, my own life is stable, happy, busy, and deserving of more attention. And maybe a little housecleaning 
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by PoetryandHums 
Thanks to everyone for your feedback. A combination of time, detaching, and focusing on my life is really helping. The silence continues
T
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