jety75

First I want to say thank-you for the kind words and encouragement I recieved from my first post. It feels strange to have my feeling acknowledged without judgement or anger.
Since I posted yesterday I have felt guilt and sickness in the pit of my stomach. As crazy as it sounds I feel like betrayed my family by saying these things out loud. It feels like I have hurt them. Has anyone experienced this in the beginning? If so how did you work through it?

readyforhelp

Jety,
I first wanna congratulate you on the ball that you have set in motion with posting and acknowledgement and that is GROWTH. Growth is only ever a very good thing. Next, I empathize with your relationship to your parents. I think one of the few differences between us is that I was the oldest.
Your guilt appears to stem from codepency, IMO! Still worrying about pleasing the parents and making them happy. I am 37 now, both parents have died, but if they were still alive, I would be right there with you. Feeling guilty too. When I first got into counseling many years ago, my mother's reaction was to personalize it and feel bad that she had done something wrong. Which really is irrelevant but codepency is codepency. It's a hard habit to break especially as time passes us by.

My heart is with you, the best of luck to you, and keep on postin'! It does the spirit good.

GiveLove

jety, that's really, really common.

As soon as we step out of the dank little cocoon of denial that we've been in so long, it feels really uncomfortable. It did for me -- it was just as you say, feeling like I'd betrayed them somehow. I had decades of habits of just "taking it," being put down, having a blanket of secrecy thrown over everything....and suddenly I wasn't going to play that game any more. Yeah, it felt really strange and not at all good!!

Know that this is normal, and is NO reason to stop making those small, careful steps forward for yourself. You're at the beginning of the trip...it does get much easier, day by day, as you continue to do the right thing for yourself. In effect, you're developing NEW healthy living/thinking habits to replace the ones that don't work for you any more. It's tender and soft...but it doesn't stay that way forever.

:ghug3

guiab

Jety,
Here is the choice:
A) Talk about alcoholism's impact on you, find peace with the past, make a better future for yourself, create relationships based on love and trust and not on guilt and fear, and maybe reach out and help others.
B) Not talk about alcoholism's impact on you. Nothing changes and no body gains. Nobody.
Shame and guilt are part of what keeps alcoholism going from generation to generation. Its not like you are shouting your family's issue from a rooftop. This forum, Alanaon, and Alateen, are based on anonymity for a good reason - we don't judge and we are here for each other.
And you are not alone. A quick check of the forum's front page shows that over 600 people have been here in the last 24 hours talking about addiction and recovery. Over a 100 are online right now, from all over the world.
You are helping your family - you are healing yourself.

Lenore

jety, I have had similar feelings. When I first started therapy, my therapist had to keep telling me that I wasn't betraying my family by discussing how I felt because I spent half my time saying how lovely my mum is when she's sober!

There are some very good responses here. It isn't unusual to feel this way and you're not alone. It takes time to quash those bad feelings, but they can go away. You're doing a very positive thing for you and your family, as grewupinabarn has said, by making these big steps to heal yourself. I wish you all the best xx

LaDita

Definitely.

I felt alot of shame and as though I was betraying them when I first posted about my mom and the people who raised me and for a few days I decided to have the posts deleted and not mention it again. But then, I think, after seeing as how they've treated me/talked about me I wonder why I didn't do this sooner.
I would love to find that happy medium where I neither feel bad nor glad about talking about them.
I have had this problem in writing my memoir; how much to say? How much to to leave out? Will they kill me/never speak to me again if I mention the abuse?

tpersis

its ok...
do not feel guilty at all, I could see how you would.

I feel guilty because I already lost the addict in my family- my mother.
BUt being on here is such a sense of relief, it feels good to be surrounded by others that are going through similar things as you.
Let it out, its the first step, and do not feel guilty for your feelings and concern.

jety75

It's funny because on a common sense level I know this is about me, not my family. I know we are all here not to trash our families or the alcoholic themselves, but to share stories and experiences in a safe environment. On another level (not logical) it's a fear that I can never go back to the "dark little cocoon" GIVELOVE mentioned if i fail at working through my feelings. By fail I mean returning to my old pattern of "sweeping everything inder the rug" or falling into the trap of " "Get over it, it's the past"
I think it helps knowing that many people had similiar thoughts and feeling at some point throughout their journey and it will be ok.

AbsentFriend

Yes. Especially when I showed up for my first ACOA meeting - I was literally shaking.

It gets better, especially as you hear and relate to other peoples' stories. When you finally speak, no matter how small your share, you'll be surprised how many people are affected by what YOU say, too.

I agree with some of the above posters - by helping yourself, you help your family.

Done_With_It

Oh yea, *Raises Hand* If I post about myself I tend to feel bad later, like I shouldn't have problems or waste anyone's time on me. I prefer to be Little Miss Perfect, or not have any problems, nothing affects or bothers me.
BUT if I post or talk about my Mom or anything that affects me like that, after I get over the anger it makes me sick to my stomach I feel so bad. I have to really talk myself through it a lot. I feel like I am betraying her..

I just keep talking myself through it. Talking to others I know I can trust, and I read a lot. I think it helps to find people who you can trust no matter what, sometimes you are going to be right and sometimes wrong in what you say, but you just need to say it.
When you find people who will just listen to you without judgement, you eventually begin to trust yourself.
There are some amazing people on this site, keep talking you will find them.

SonofaMess

First of all hi.

I dealt with that for a long long long time when I was younger. My whole family really taught me how to hide my mothers problems well. In fact it was the only time they showed any effort to "help" me with anything. They didn't want anymore embarassment for themselves than they felt they already had.

Anytime my mothers bs was out in the open due to god knows what, I felt guilty. And felt like I let everyone and my mother down if I even spoke about it once or twice here and there.

Then it got to the point where I said "blank" it. At first it was hard and I still felt that guilt but I was finally honest with people when they would ask questions or when it came up for whatever reason. And ya know what? I feel a lot better and almost have no sense of guilt about it anymore. even if other people don't understand.

I spent all those years worrying about it, but now? I feel much more at ease compared to what I used to. It might take a little bit of trying it out but I think you'll lose that guilt soon enough and realize your doing the right thing.

Good luck.

Wascally Wabbit

I believe guilt is the weapon of choice for the alcoholic.
They guilt you in to taking care of them, guilt you into covering for them and on and on it goes.
My mom is the A. She's been sober for 30 yrs, but the anger in me is something I still have to work on!!

I learned that if I don't talk to someone, I will explode. Why should I let guilt stop me from getting sane again?
It's all part of the process.

When my mom comes to visit, my old mantra used to be, "She packed her bags and we're going on a guilt trip".
Not true any more. At least I can recognize the manipulation and refuse to take part in it.
Keep posting. You will grow if you want to. It's hard at times, but oh so worth it for the freedom.