jazzz

I'm going crasy here!

Both my mother and my father are alcoholics. I'm one too, and I've been sober for 6 weeks (wow!). I'm very determined to keep being sober because I really really don't want to end up like my mom and dad.
I thought I had such a perfect childhood. Mom and dad were always acting like everything is in control and we've never talked much about emotions. Everything was always "fiiiiiiiiiiine", when inderneath the surface everything sucked!! My mom was always this great people pleaser, she always knew how to talk to people outside the family but when it came to her own feelings she was very protective. My dad, omg! He must be one of the most closed person I've ever met. "how's it going? where are you? all good? - fine then, see you!" He's very uptight and formal. Even with me, his son. Our relationship is very complicated.
So to better get by, my mom and dad always drank too much. Daddy being one of those who hides it. And mom just drinking waaay too much when she drank. In recent years it's gotten so much worse. All the kids out of the house except me (I have an older brother and sister) they started drinking alot more. this was 10 years ago. I'm 28 now. They started fighting and shouting and yelling at eachother. My mom started to get psychotic when she drank, she once threatened to kill her sister while under the influence. Me and my siblings tried to tell them to get help and treatment or we didn't wanna see them. So they did, eventually, but they both started drinking again after treatment.
They can't stand eachother. There's no love left in that relationship, if there ever were..so now they've moved apart. But mom, who has just been to treatment again, guess what...she hits the bottle as soon as she is out! Now she's calling my grandmother, where my dad and I live at the moment (I live in the basement apartment and my dad and grandmother upstairs), telling her what a monster my dad is, that she's ruined her life, stole money from here etc etc...she's a complete lunatic shen she drinks and I just can't figure out how she doesn't see it. Btw she works but has gotten one last warning..still she drinks!!
I'm just so freaked out, angry, sad!! HOw did this happen to my family?? I used to think we were such a great family, just goes to show ha? I'm ****** up and I find it hard to talk about...sometimes I wish my mother dead 'coz I don't see a way out for her. She is sooo independent, can't even use a credit card and now she's pleading for my dad to come home and save her.
The man she hates.......it's just so ****** up!! I hate my mother!!!!! Sometimes I hate my father!!!

I needed to say this. Sorry for the rambling.

GiveLove

It feels good to vent sometimes, doesn't it?

How are YOU, jazzz ? Congratulations on your sobriety. That's the heavy lifting, right there. Although you can't change your parents choices, you can -- and HAVE -- changed your own, which is brilliant. You can make it so the buck stops with you, and choose not to live your life as they have.

Forgive me if I don't address them.....they are adults and are choosing their own road, sad as it is. And if their behavior messes with your head, it may be best to stay the he** away while you're struggling with your own recovery. That can't be helping things.

Do you have any plans? Goals? Dreams? Have you explored talking to a counselor or coach or someone to help fix the things that life with them has broken? Helped me, anyway. We ACOA folks carry a pretty heavy burden around; makes everything else in life harder.

Good to have you here!

tromboneliness

Ya -- that sounds pretty bad. Not entirely like my situation, but when things are driving me crazy, it usually boils down to: I'm getting preoccupied with things that are out of my control. The whole "we're powerless over people, places, and things" idea.

The way I like to visualize it is to turn it around: How many people are there who control me? That is, when they say "Jump," I ask, "How high?"

Well, there isn't anyone who controls me, where I do everything they say, wait for their next command, etc. Sure, there were (and are) huge control issues with my parents -- but there isn't anyone who really "controls" me, at this point. That makes perfect sense -- so why should I think I have control over others, my parents or anyone else? Obviously, I don't! They're going to do whatever (stupid/destructive/self-destructive) things they're going to do. There isn't a d*mn thing I can do about it.

BUT the flip side of this -- not frequently emphasized -- is that because I have no control over these people, I also have no responsibility for what they do. That realization is tremendously liberating -- instead of constantly worrying about what others (e.g., my crazy parents) are going to do, I just say to myself, "Self, your parents are grownups, and they'll do what they want to do. They're old enough to make their own decisions, even if they're not good decisions. Let them do it -- and if other people in the family think blah-blah-blah, let them think what they want; that's their problem, not yours."

Does that make sense? As my parents get old, it seems increasingly as though society expects us to take responsibility for "helping" them -- but hey, if they refuse help, insist that it be given only on their terms, and otherwise insist on being total PsITA, I'm going to assert my own autonomy and stay out of their lives; their self-imposed train wreck is not my doing.

T

Rancorous

Sounds a lot like my family, my father was very uptight and the central drinker of my family and formal and my mother is kinda like yours except she doesn't drink, shes a biblethumper instead.

Anyway, my advice to you is to just get your own life on track. You've already started by getting yourself sober, don't stop until you're able to be completely away from the situation. That is the advice I first received when I first started posting and its some of the best i've ever had. Lurking around isn't a bad idea either, I personally do a lot of that. Welcome to the board. =)

jazzz

Yes it does feel good to vent! I know I can't control my parents. It's just so frustrating sometimes to see people you love destroy themselves. My parents acting like children. Hey, I'm the child!!

I do have plans. And goals and dreams. I've just started an education which I hope to finish. And I'm a musician and I hope to get involved in a lot of projects..I'm already involved in some so thats cool..I've thought about attending some meetings but I'm not sure yet.

Thanks for the replies, all of you! It helped. I'm in a better mood today, it's just pretty up and down when I'm trying to quit the booze myself.