helpacoa

this is my first time seeking outside advice regarding my parents' alcoholism. both of my parents are alcoholics. my father is good at covering up his problem because he takes care of his responsibilities during the day when he is sober and avoids commiments in the evening when he drinks.

my mother started attending AA 10 years ago after drinking herself into a coma. she is a binge drinker, when she drinks she is unable to do anything 24/7 until she decides to sober up again. she has a variety of excuses for "relapsing" all of which boil down to a "life is too hard to deal with" attitude. she relapses for months at a time at least 2 times a year. she has not had a job for 18 years.

my sister and i are exhausted by the drama. we have tried listening to their problems, being compassionate, being stearn, confronting them with how this effects us, etc. nothing works. recently my sister informed them that she has been advised to cut contact with them to find serenity in her own life. as ususual when we tell them how negatively their drinking effects us we were attacked. they call us names, tell us we are a source of the problem by perpetuating fear and resentment with our attitudes, and tell us that they don't need us in their lives (when in reality their greatest fear is that we will reject them and actually cut them off).

i recently took this very hard as i just had my first child, their first grandchild. i have wanted them to be part of his life because they are great people when they are sober, but am having a hard time being anything but angry as i feel this now affects my son. how do i deal with this? is it finally time for me to walk away and cut communication?

dothi

How would you describe this anger? Toxic? Overwhelming? Scary? Or more like just irritated? Disappointed?

Your parents' behavior sounds very typical - self-centered, unable to take responsibility for their actions, projecting the blame onto others, etc. The anger you're describing sounds very reasonable - I think most ACoAs experience anger when we realize how unfair our parents have really been. At least you've got a good perspective on the situation, from the sounds of it.

It'll be a few years before you really have to worry about your son interacting with them. While you could cut all contact like your sister, is there any way you could limit contact instead? Start restricting your visits to sober times only. Let your parents know that you're willing to visit them when they're sober, and if it turns out they're not sober, reinforce your limits by getting up and leaving. In addition, the moment you start to feel blamed/exhausted/run down/fed up/etc, you could also just get up and leave. What's most important is how interacting with them is affecting YOU. Ultimately if maneuvering them is too exhausting or emotionally overwhelming for you (thus, taking away from your ability to focus and provide for your son), IMO you would be a responsible adult to avoid seeing these people.

crystalprincess

i agree. my counselor and i just discussed what i will do when my partner and i decide to have a child. she suggested that the atmosphere would be very toxic for the child, but i do also agree with you dothi, that visiting when they are sober is a good idea. my brother lets his daughter stay overnite with my parents (my mom is not an alcoholic, but IS codependent) and i know it bothers him a bit. They cannot let my dad babysit or be alone with their daughter, because he will obviously be drunk. This is sad; you would think sad enough that he would come to his senses and STOP DRINKING.

Anyways, I think yourself and your sister need to break away from the family and live your own life. You can't fix or help your parents, they have to want to do it for themselves. Both my brother and I moved away at a young age. We both still see our parents about once a week (Sunday visits) and it has been made clear that a) no verbal abuse will be tolerated b) we hate the drinking and c) the drinking is no longer our problem to deal with. Since the boundaries were set, I am treated like a friend and adult by my father. Anytime I feel uncomfortable, I leave. It's hard to just cut your parents out of your life, because they ARE your family and brought you into this world. And like you said, they are great people when they are sober.

Best of luck,

helpacoa

Thanks for your response. This is exactly what my husband has advised.

To answer your question, I think I am angry because I'm disappointed that they couldn't be there for me during one of the most important times of my life (the birth of my son) and instead found a way to instigate yet another fight with my sister and I. I also feel terribly disappointed in myself for getting my hopes up that this big event would make a difference. If they can't get it together for their first grandchild, can they get it together for anything? I feel like a child getting my hopes up that they will be my happy, sober parents, but for good this time. Unfortunately, it never is for good. If anything they get it together for a few months and then they just put us through the ringer again.

I am so tired of setting myself up for heartbreak over and over again, being expected to forgive them each time they come back and tell me they are sorry. This time I'm putting my foot down. I'm not answering drunken phone calls or going to visit until they sober up again...and I guess I just accept that this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

Thanks for the advice.

crystalprincess

It sounds like you have a very kind and understanding husband!

I can relate and let you know that you are not alone when you express your feelings of disappointment and “setting yourself up”. It’s heart-wrenching, especially in the situation of a new grandchild!! Now they are not only hurting you, but *might* end up bruising any relationship they might have with your son (that’s if they are lucky enough for you to grant them a relationship). It’s a tough call. On one hand, you don’t want your child to go through what you did. On the other hand, your child will get to an age where he has a right to choose if he wants a relationship with his grandparents. And to turn the whole scenario into a fight and make you feel guilty is just a manipulative tactic to turn the attention back on you, to somehow justify their behavior.

I am 30 years old and lived away from my parents for 14 of those 30 years. I have lived in many different places in many cities and countries. They have NEVER come to visit me. Ever. There is always one excuse or another. This past year my boyfriend and I got a house together and they said they would come out. I truly believed them. I was so happy and overjoyed, it was as if I was a child at Christmas. I did feel like a child. And when they didn’t show I had the huge disappointment of a child. Some stupid, minor excuse kept them from coming last minute. This is mild in comparison to your situation. My brother has a child and they drive to visit her. (Which makes me feel even worse because I don’t feel good enough, think they love him more, etc. Very childish thoughts)

Anyways my point is: you tried. But you can’t keep beating yourself up and being drained emotionally and mentally over your parents’ choice of life and alcoholism. It sounds as if you have a great husband and sister, and with them; a strong, healthy support system. Surround yourself in a healthy environment with people that are positive. Your child will thank you for it. And who knows, maybe it will be a true wake up call for your parents. But maybe not – either way don’t beat yourself up over it. I know this is easier said than done, we want nothing more to share with our loved ones the miracle of birth and creating another living being. I have never had a child but it nearly brings tears to my eyes the very thought of how powerful the experience must be. How about your husband’s parents? Are they sober? If so, you may be able to find strength in them as well. Good luck with everything.

atalose

Helpacoa,

It sounds like you have a very loving, caring and understanding husband standing by you, that is wonderful, a blessing in it self.

It also sounds like you have an alliance with your sister in regards to the situation with your parents is not healthy for both of you.

Have you and your sister attended any al-anon meetings?

In al-anon I learned how to deal with the alcoholic in my life, I learned how to NOT fight with or expect too much from this person. I learned survival tools I desperately needed in order to maintain some kind of relationship with this person.

It was strange at first using those tools, the yelling the anger and the chaos was far more familiar to me then simply walking away before all that started. I used to stand my ground plant my feet firmly and yell back, get sucked into the chaos but now I know I have the choice to simply walk away and not feel guilty. The alcoholic changed in time because I changed. Learned how to keep it simple and walk away. I learned how to NOT react to my emotions at the very moment I was feeling them. I learned how to control my emotions in front of the alcoholic.

Al-anon truly helped me to learn new ways of coping not only with alcoholics but life.