LucyA

if I was to say to my nephew something like "look, I know what it must be like at home at the moment and I want to help you where I can"? He doesn't really open up to me, but there isn't usually the opportunity for him to do it without my children being around. Basically what I was thinking of doing is creating the opportunity for him and talking to him about his dad, drinking, and his own feelings. I have to be careful though because he's very defensive about his dad, he wont admit theres any problem at home (but he phones my parents constantly telling them what his dad is/isnt doing etc)
I just want him to know that I really do know what it's like at home for him, that someone cares, not just for him but for his dad too, but that as a child he deserves so much more from life. Any thoughts friends?

I posted this on the friends and family forum, but I thought maybe you guys maybe have been there and might be able to help from the childs point of view, which is what I need really. Am I sticking my nose in too far?

GingerM

I don't know if it would help in the way that you're hoping it would help, but I know from my own experience that when one adult told me "I know there's an elephant in your living room, and if you want to talk about it, I'm here" it made me feel not so crazy. I may have never talked to the adult about the issues, but certainly it helped in that it gave me a point of reference from outside my family indicating that what I was living in was not "normal".

I think just letting him know that there is an adult who recognizes that it isn't all rainbows and unicorns at home is useful in and of itself, even if he can't open up to you (for whatever reason).

AbsentFriend

I remember each and every time an adult was kind to me growing up, and treated me like a real person, even if I couldn't express my gratitude at the time.

I would empathize with the situation rather than declare anything about the parents as individuals. Chances are, both parents are playing a role, and may bring out the worst in each other, even if they are more "normal" around other people or in other situations.

What they have is a broken family system. For me, understanding that each person in the marriage is playing a role and not necessarily being their authentic selves, that they were behaving out of hurt and fear, helped me to feel my own feelings without as much of the guilt for blaming them. (This is at 27, mind you - I'm not sure the best way to explain it to someone younger.)

LucyA

thanks, theres only one parent involved here though, my nephews mum died eight months ago. I wouldn't 'declare' anything about my brother to my nephew I don't think, just reinforce that I care about his dad too but can't change him.

LucyA

Ginger, I'm not sure how I hope it would help, I just want to be there for the little one but I don't want to make it worse for him by not saying something I could have, or saying something when I should have shut up. Does that make sense?

DesertEyes

Hi there Lucy

When I was a child there were a few adults who took the time to reach out to me, in the way you have done for your nephew. For me, it wasn't the words they said to me. In fact, I don't remember a single word of any our conversations. What made the difference to me was their _actions_. They never belittled me, insulted me or yelled at me. Heck, they were never angry at me at all. They showed up when they said they would, they overcame the challenges in their life with dignity. They practiced what they preached. Basically, they were decent human beings, nothing more.

My suggestion is that you be the best person you can be. That effort will be deeply noticed by your nephew, and that is what he will remember about you 20, 30 years from now.

You can do things like attend al-anon meets to learn more about how to help him, and your brother. You can find meets that are associated with al-ateen, and attend those meets on your own. Sooner or later your nephew is going to want to know where you're going, and you can offer to let him see for himself.

They say the program of recovery is one of attraction, rather than promotion. I found that rule works just as good when raising kids, they are far more interested in who I _am_, than in what I say.

Whadya think?

Mike

AbsentFriend

Oh, I'm sorry. In that case just being there is going to be a huge deal for him right now. Letting him know that he can be sad or happy or angry or whatever he wants to be, and that you can sit in it with him and not be afraid of his emotions or your own. Because what his Dad is doing right now is being afraid of his own emotions, rather than feeling and managing them, and that can be scary for a kid.


Couldn't agree more. Absolutely. And kids (including teenagers) are so smart, they know what the grown-ups around them are feeling even if the grown-ups themselves don't know. A parent or caring adult might never tell an outright lie to a child, but if he/she holds back their own feelings, or disguises them with anger and defensiveness, the child WILL feel betrayed and on edge. Never underestimate the emotional attunement of a child.

GingerM

Maybe it's too early for me to be reading clearly, but I didn't see it - what age is your nephew? I was thinking he was in his teens, but other things you say make it sound like he's younger. His age should make a difference in how this is approached.

GiveLove

Hi Lucy,

I know that, as a child, I hung on to those moments when someone would express an interest in me as a person. I still remember the first person who offered to me that I could come and play in her yard (and on her piano) if I felt like I just wanted somewhere different to hang out (in hindsight, a thinly veiled way of saying, "if things get too awful at home, you can come here)

But even more than that, I remember the one who said a particular shirt "looked really nice on me" and the one who gave me a book because she'd noticed I was interested in a subject, and the one who pointed out that I was smart, and had I thought of being a veterinarian? When someone expressed in interest in me, it gave my self-esteem a huge boost that helped me deal with the stuff at home.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing, pondering gentle ways to help your nephew get through his childhood with self-esteem intact.

Hugs,
GL

LucyA

He's almost eleven

GingerM

mmm. At 11, I'm not sure if saying flat out that his father has an addiction is a good idea. It would depend on how mature an 11 year old he is.

But letting him know that you're there for him, setting a good example for him, trying to include him in various activities away from his father are all very good ideas.

At 11, I don't think I would have believed anyone who told me my parents were alcoholics. At 16 I would have wondered. At 18 I would have known. But at 11, anyone who offered to remove me for a while from my own house to go enjoy being somewhere sane would have been more than welcomed!

LucyA

He's pretty mature, outwardly anyway, and he knows whats going on around him. He knows his dad drinks till he 'falls asleep', he tells his dad he isnt looking after him like he should, he goes to the pub to tell his dad to come home. I think with him knowing this he needs to know a little more about the disease, someone mentioned a leaflet appropriate to his age and I'm looking into that (a UK one in case there are numbers he can ring)

sailorjohn

Sister Joan Mary. 1st grade. She was so sweet to me, I can remember a handful of teacher names, none of them before 4th grade, but I remember her. That was 45 years ago. Kindness leaves an indelible mark on a child, as does cruelty. Without getting into what's going on with the parent, let the child know that you're there for them.

BayAreaPhoenix

My chime in here. I grew up with dysfunction/mental issues - amounts to the same thing. there was a time when I withdrew from those around me as I didn't want to hurt my Mom (or set her off) by reaching out, but just knowing there were adults who cared that I could reach out to, made all the difference. And, when I did reach - no recriminations about why they hadn't heard from me in so long, etc. No guilt trips, just total acceptance and unconditional love - it gave me a place to breathe and it was the biggest gift each of them gave me.

Do what's in your heart. He's heading to a difficult age on top of it. But, just knowing his aunt - and sister of his father - is there, will be all he needs when/if he's ready.

God bless you for caring about your nephew. You are a huge gift to him!