jazpoppy

My mother is an alcoholic. I am an addict and I think alcoholic but not to her extent. She is diabetic, she lost her left leg (below the knee) due to diabetic complications. She is blind in one eye and losing sight in the other. She is in a nursing home (at 51 years old) trying to learn to walk better on her prosthetic leg. She was sent home in Oct 2007 {had the amputation in Aug. 2007} was walking well with a walker, when she got home, she decided to drink again after 6mos sobriety in the hospitals and rehab(nursing home). She is again in the rehab/nursing home because she kept getting drunk and falling down at night when I was not there. I was there a few times and tried to get the EMTs to take her to the hospital but SHE refused, they knew she was drunk. I call social services to come talk to her, but they didn't convince her to stop drinking. She tells me she wants to drink herself to death. I was her only life-line to food, supplies, I bandaged wounds on her "good" leg, took care of her stump, helped her walk on her walker without falling. I was blackmailed to buy her vodka (I was lay-ed off, lost my car, and my home, so I have to use her car). She said I could not use her car if I did not bring her vodka. I was living with an alcoholic abusive boyfriend whom I have left, but he keeps tracking me down (another added stress). I am trying to stay off Opiates (besides methadone for chronic pain and maintenance program). I hardly get to meetings because my mom "needs" me to run around for her all the time to get her food stamps setup, Medicaid/Medicare setup again in a new county. I have a 10 year old son to take care of, he lives with me part-time at my mom's, and with his dad most of the time due to the situation, I don't want him exposed to my mother. I am doing OK with my sobriety program, but its VERY HARD. My mother calls me names (b-word, c-word, bad daughter, bad nurse (I am not a nurse)), demands my attention in the middle of the night when I need to be sleeping so I can go to work the next day, but I get hardly any sleep. I lost my job (got lay-ed off). She was happy about it! More time for me to do things for her! She had home health care professionals coming to the house to clean, do physical therapy on her, alcohol and depression counseling, but she kicked them ALL OUT! I am at my wits END! I left her in the nursing home and I refuse to live with her because she says she is going to drink again when she leaves the nursing home and goes home. I am going to stay with my SOBER father and is SOBER fiancé during the week (I will find a job in that area to pay rent), and I will stay with my SOBER boyfriend during the weekends with my son. Do any of you think I am being a BAD DAUGHTER by just walking away (she has a friend as power of attorney that can sign her checks and pay her bills for her, and has other friends that can get her food). Please tell me if I should put myself back in that home where I cannot get any rest, or if I should stay away until she is willing to GET HELP with her alcoholism, depression, and downright narcissistic ways?

Thanks

Jaz

JT

There is nothing wrong with saving yourself. Separating yourself from the worst of the craziness is all you can do. Nothing is permanent. If she wants to play by your boundaries (you are going to establish some aren't you?) then the relationship does not have to end.

Sometimes it takes some distance to regroup and it sounds like you have grabbed on to that to save yourself.

Hugs!

Growing

Welcom Jaz!

Glad to see you....

I was so relieved when I read the end of your thread.....Please stay away and save yourself....you did all this for your mom and she abused you...now you wonder if you are a bad daughter? NOOOO! You are not a bad daughter! Put your sobriety first...it looks like you are doing this. I am so glad! Good for you taking care of yourself! Read the sticky post about guilt. We cannot live our lives being controlled by false guilt. You have already done so much. I would like to see you away from this utter chaos. Once you have taken care of yourself...you could begin a relationship of sorts with her...on your terms...or not...its up to you.

I just seperated myself from my toxic relatives...I moved far away. I did this to get some peace in my life...there were certain relatives of mine who wouldn't honor ANY boundaries that were set.

I had to take the focus off of what my toxic relatives needed and focus on what I needed. You can care from a distance...but you should not be responsible for the day to day activities of another adult/enabling.

My dad drank up until the day he died from throat cancer...sometimes the alcoholic is determined....

I am sending care and prayers your way! Take care of you! Keep coming back and keep us posted.

MrsFox

Oh my lord..no no no no you are NOT being a bad daughter if anything you are being a great daughter by helping her, even though its enabling her. You need to have distance between the two of you. As long as she knows she has something over you she will use that to her advantage to get whatever she needs. My mother too is an alcoholic and she would buys me stuff all the time to fill that hole of wrong doing that she knows she has done. No you shouldnt go back, she is a grown women who will somehow find a way to get the things she needs and the things she doesnt. Thats to me seems to be the problem with most women with alcoholic parents, women tend to be more the caring take care of type (not saying men don't either, just most men would cut it off and be done with it). Women are easily to get attached and it being our mothers its hard for us to say no to them and to walk away. You have a little boy you need to worry about, and your own sobriety. It's hard at first but will get easier. I wish you luck

Wascally Wabbit

Alcoholics and addicts alike place blame for their misery on everyone but themselves. Then, especially parents, try to make you responsible for them even though they will take no responsibility themselves! How is this being fair to your child? It's terribly skrewed up thinking on their part.

My mom does this. I just calmly tell her that I can't help right now, but perhaps next month I can come over and help. I really force myself not to get emotional. I state what I have to say and if she doesnt' accept that, then it's something she will have to get over. I am no longer bullied into things.

I always hear the sad stories every time I talk to her. I hate it for her. But, there is a limit as to how much I can do and still maintain my sanity and my health.

Alcoholic parents POISON their children with lies. Then when we grow up and we're all messed up, and they BLAME us for being the way we are!
HA!
I learned a long time ago that when someone dumps a pile of crap in my lap, to stand up and brush it off.

I am sorry you have to go through something like this. I hate alcoholism.

It only gets worse. And worse, and worse.
Sit down with a counselor or a really good friend, or pastor, and talk about what this is doing to you and what options you might have to save your life from this mess. Get away from it. It will only make you insane.
Good luck honey.

jazpoppy

Thank you everyone who has replied with the best advice! Staying away from the active alcoholic is the ONLY way for me to stay sane and stay SOBER MYSELF! Thanks again and God bless you all!

Luv

Jaz