MrsFox

So my mother calls everyday even when she is drinking and after friday I decided to stop enabling her or dealing with it all together. So I didnt get any phone calls all weekend. She did call monday I let the machine pick it up. It was my son's birthday so I did let him call her so she could say happy birthday and when he was done I hung up the phone. So I guess since I let him call her she took that as I want to talk to her and all is well, cuz she called today and left two messages one stating that she had called her dr's and they said she does need a blood transfrusion. To help you all understand there has been something going on with her health for the last 2-3 yrs. She is losing blood and there not sure where it's going to, they have done all these crazy test and nothing is turning up. On top of that she has a real bad itching problem, she said it feels like there are bugs under her skin biting her. I looked into this and some of her other not so odd symptoms and it sounds like Cirrhosis. But what do I know. Any way so since she loses her blood somewhere they have to give her a transfusion every 6 months or so. So when I got the next phone call her message said that she wouldnt be able to get the transfusion because she doesnt have any insurance. Are you kidding me?!?!?! If she doesnt get it she will die. SO now I'm torn. I don't want to deal with the drama anymore...oh and mind you when she called today she had been drinking. I have told her for years trying to find some middle ground with this that if she is going to drink whatever but DON'T call me when your drinking, or come over obviously. And she doesn't listen Grrrr..I'm ready to lose my mind. But I guess I have to realize that she is a grown women and needs to fix this herself. It's just hard. I suppose there is no easy time to let go. I sometimes feel it is more draining to ignore her than to deal with her. A friend of mine lost her mother on friday, and when things like this happen I wonder do I cut her out and not deal with it and see her when she's already passed, or do I deal with it and have her in my life for the next few years (if that) I dunno. It's a hard to decide.

Growing

I am so sorry you are going through this...this is terrible.

I will be praying for you and your mom.

I don't see how you can help your mom get the transfusion...I can understand that you are struggling with whether to be a part of her life or not...as she is going through these health problems...but just like you are not responsible for her addiction (the three C's) you are not responsible for her health condition...either pro or con. You can't make her stop drinking and you can't make her get well.

It comes down to what is your motivation? If supporting her through her illness is something you want to do...then do it. But you won't be helping your mom by being motivated by false guilt, alone. By all means...do what you need to do for your own peace...if that is help her...then so be it. Just make sure your motivations for doing it are right...for you.

"I'm ready to lose my mind. But I guess I have to realize that she is a grown women and needs to fix this herself. It's just hard. I suppose there is no easy time to let go. I sometimes feel it is more draining to ignore her than to deal with her. A friend of mine lost her mother on friday, and when things like this happen I wonder do I cut her out and not deal with it and see her when she's already passed, or do I deal with it and have her in my life for the next few years (if that) I dunno. It's a hard to decide."

I have heard that it is possible to deal with the alcoholic without letting them drive you crazy...I know some people in my alanon home group have achieved this. It has more to do with you than her. You can change your reactions...leave when you've had enough...set boundaries...like, "Mom if you xyz in future...I will (leave immediately..ect..fill in the blank"---but then you have to do what you say. Basically, detaching with love.

But if you find yourself feeling crazy about it....feeling overwhelmed and snappy...then you won't be helping her in that state. It would be best to leave her alone while you focus on yourself. It more depends on how YOU are doing and if you are in a condition to support someone else through their illness...with her still drinking.

Wascally Wabbit

Growing, this is the VERY crux of detachment. Learning that is hard, but eventually we finally get it. For me, the detachment has come slowly as I realize that every time she "makes" me feel guilty, it is ME that just handed her the power to do so.

I have gotten so much better at dealing with the criticizm, the pity pot mentality and all the other BS. I simply don't listen to it! Sure, she can rattle on and on, but I tune her out. I have also told her a time or two when she is harping on me, that, "If you continue to talk to me like that, I will get in my car and go back home where I don't have to listen to it." It worked too. She wanted so bad to just keep on. But, I drew my boundary line and dared her to cross it. This issue is my smoking. I never smoke around her. Ok, MY BAD, but, griping and harping is not going to make me quit, it's just going to make me mad. And I have a right to get mad.

So, Mrs. Fox. Your mother is extremely ill. What can you do?
If you feel you need to help her, you will need a few alanon tools. Learning to detach is a biggie. You can practice this.

Get to a quiet place, sit down, relax. Visualize a time she was spewing awful things at you, and how it made you feel.

Now, relive that moment. Only this time, picture her in a mental hospital on the second floor. She is holding on to the bars on the window, and screaming at you while you are down on the sidewalk, outside of the mental hospital. You look up at this person, screaming and acting crazy. What do you see now? How do you feel now?

This has been a method I practice a lot. You might find one or two that work for you.

I also come here and vent. Venting helps tremendously.