Growing

((((Frog 2hop))))

I am so sorry things have turned out this way.

Have you checked out the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers or Friends and Family of Alcoholics section? I only mention that because there are people who post over there who are in very similar situations.

I can't imagine how scared you must be for your kids! Where is their dad?...ect.

Whenever you feel affected by his actions...like you would naturally in this situation...it may help to get the perspective of people who are going through it with you. Even though you are moving on with your life and you seperated 2yrs ago...he is still greatly affecting you and the children.

It may be time, during this stress, to give alanon and alateen another chance.

Are you an adult child of alcoholic/addict parents? Just curious. You don't have to answer that.

This thread was originally about the Three Rules of the Alcoholic home.

Like I mentioned before....please feel free to start your own thread about any topic of your choice.

Growing

I found this at nacronline.com:


"The process of recovery re-structures our lives in some very fundamental ways. We had learned silence, and in recovery we learn to speak the truth. We had learned not to feel, and in recovery we learn to feel. We had learned either not to need other people at all or to be excessively dependent on other people, and in recovery we learn to need other people in appropriate ways. These are significant changes. But, they are not irreversible changes. We can go back to silence, emotional numbness and unhealthy relationships. Recovery is necessarily therefore a new way of life. It is a daily pressing on. It is the day-at-a-time practice of the disciplines of recovery that makes it possible for us to continue to heal, grow and change."

I thought this was an interesting description of don't trust, don't feel and don't talk...as well as what healing in these areas looks like, in recovery.

Wascally Wabbit

But for the grace of God, I would still have to live by those rules if it werent' for alanon.

Growing

I hear you Wabbit!

You know...I think the reason I find it so hard to find to set boundaries with my recovering A mom is because I have come right up to that wall of don't trust, feel or talk.

I have moved away...but when it comes to setting verbal boundary lines...I am finding it hard to break those rules.

But I can imagine the payoffs when I do....looking forward to those...when I face those fears and become my own parent who says, "NO...this isn't good for Growing." Then I will know the "ownership" of my self-worth. My new sense of self-worth is in the seed phase right now....I think....LOL.

she hasn't bothered me about visiting recently....which...even THAT lack of consistency is classic...but...I figure my HP is looking out for me on this one...giving me more time to get strong.

Funny how easy it is for me to walk away, physically....For some, THAT is the hard part...not for me...it is easy for me to run away...hard to stop...hold my ground...face the person...and state my boundaries. So, as it stands...I am just avoiding those people I ran away from.

GiveLove

Maybe you could borrow Uncertain Me's avatar to look out for Growing's best interests, rather than mom's best interests

Having someone looking out for my protection helped a lot, even if she was (sshhhhhhhh) imaginary.

Growing

You know...I got alot out of your post about.....

Artemis....wasn't it?

I am going to educate myself on her...looking forward to it.

GiveLove

"The Goddesses in Everywoman" by Jean Shinoda Bolen is a good reference. An eye-opener for identifying all different kinds of personalities in women. Helped me figure out my narcissistic stepmother too....

Laan

Hi there,
Well, I am still living with an alcoholic - my dad.
From my point of view, living with him is so very difficult. I feel like we are at the end of the line after so many years of drinking. We are basically trapped in a terrible place (it's easy for people to tell us to get out, but believe me, we have tried!)
I think you have done well by getting out! Yes, trust and emotions are unstable, but the damage that is done by staying is far worse!

GiveLove

Hey Laan,

Welcome -- sorry you find yourself in such a situation.....alcoholism is horrible, isn't it? So many people tangled up in its web.

But there are a lot of good people here who have lots of experience and ideas. Tell us more about your situation...maybe we can help.

Hugs for now

LucyA

Hi all, I've nothing really to add to this thread, ecxept to say thank you to you all for posting. I'm trying to help my 10 yr old nephew who's living with his A dad, and this has been really helpful to me in trying to understand stuff. Thany you x

dolce7dolore

For years I've known that my parents were alcoholics, especially my mom.

I had to come home this weekend from college, and I'm forced to hash up old memories and to deal with them being drunk the second I walk in the door.

It's almost ironic because I went to my room and started writing and this came out "I went away to college, thinking that things would be better, but no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work and try, no matter what, I am always alone." So I decided to go to a forum, and I came upon this one. I can't deny that when I read this post I had a bit of a break down and a revelation. Nearly every word of this is true for me, and about 11 out of the 13 signs someone else posted on this forum.

So I guess... I'm just saying thanks to the OP.

DesertEyes

Hi there dolce, and welcome to this wonderful forum

I'm sorry your parents are alcoholics. Mine were too and it just sucks. Take your time and browse thru all the posts here, there's lots of great info and suggestions. You don't have to be alone anymore if you don't want to. There's many people here who have felt that way and found a way out.

welcome again.

Mike

Growing

Glad to see you Dolce! Welcome to a great group of people! Keep coming back.

caliroz

Just today my dad told me I would tell the whole world something. I can't even remember what it was as it was something about him and it wasn't something anyone else would even care about but he considers me the blabber mouth especially now that Facebook is around. Well, I'm not indiscriminate but secrecy is different than privacy and sometimes we have to talk about things in order to gain support from others. Right now, what matters is helping my brother who was just diagnosed with lymphoma but there goes Dad reminding me to "not talk."

caboblanco

even don't make eye contact

caliroz

That is such a helpful way to look at things. Just this weekend I stewed in silence as hours of my life drained away. My only surviving brother is very sick with cancer and I'm trying to help but I noticed when I help, then they just need more and more. They being my parents who are trying to save him but also trying to save their own lifestyle. My helping doesn't mean my house and life fall apart while they maintain the same life style. Hard lesson to learn this weekend with Tony so sick but I have no choice but to continue to set boundaries even as I try to help for my brother's sake.

EveningRose

I have this experience over and over, being able to relate to every word here. I felt the same moving back home after years away. Realizing nothing had changed.

NWGRITS

Growing up in an A home has affected every aspect of my life. And it's just recently (within the past few years) gotten to where I recognize that I have been paralyzed by my fears and my experiences. I can't talk to people. I don't like it, don't wanna do it, no-thank-you. And you can laugh at me because I'm an Avon lady. Talking to people is crucial to maintaining a client base, and I freeze when it comes to talking to strangers. I love my products and I believe in them, but I don't believe in myself. I think that everyone is going "Ugh, look at that woman. She couldn't possibly be any good at this. I don't want her to talk to me." I hate myself for that. I have the voices in my head telling me that I will never amount to anything, and that I'm wasting my time trying. That's my mother still living rent-free up there after all this time.

I'm always happy when these older threads get resurrected. They seem to be there just when I need them most.

Payne

Stressed to the max and learning how to be me in a wonderful relationship, the other day I punched a wall due to some frustration. Then I went through the motions:
How do I cover up what I just did?
I'm the worst person ever to lose my calm!
If I just lie this can all go away.

Then I stopped, I breathed and I asked myself; Do you really want to lie? No. Do you really want to let that habit come back? No. You're stressed and haven't been taking care of yourself enough are you really that bad for losing your calm? No. Could you have done better? Yes. How? I could have talked about what was bothering me, and let him help me. So what do you do now? I tell him.

I then called him and told him we needed to go out and away from the dog related stress at home to dinner. He eagerly agreed. We spent about three hours out. I explained why the stress of having a "grumbly to aggressive" dog in the home is so hard, that having grown up being abused, that type of energy spirals me out of control. I told him what happened and what pushed me over the edge. All the while he sat smiled and listened. When I finished, he laughed.

Then grabbed my bruised hand and told me he understands and will do what he can to help, and that he appreciates my honesty. I didn't die, he didn't hate me, simply for being human. Many days I feel I have moved past "Don't talk, Don't trust, Don't feel" then a moment hits when I am not the healing phrases I repeat, and I am completely human and suffering and I fall back into old habits.

However, with as terrified as I was to be human the other day, I see the steps made that, even though I started the spiral, I did not finish it, I did not give in to it. I took my lessons and implemented them. Super scary, Super satisfying.

AuntieSoso

Wow, this is an old thread, but this post - wow. I, too, can walk away easily. So easily. I can walk away from a friendship in the blink of an eye, and would actually prefer to do so vs. talking things out and saying to someone "I am angry with you about the way you treat(ed) me." My next step is to work on boundaries of what I will and will not accept (if I decide to keep a friendship going).